The Fellowship of the Stake
Part One
Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Lord of the Rings Crossover Fic
Spoilers: Heavy season 7 on Buffy, Through The Two Towers on LotR (though,
yes, I've read the books.)
Disclaimer: Yes, I realize that I'm mentally disturbed. And that this
should never, ever have been written. However, I just couldn't resist.
Those Turok-han just looked way too much like Orcs, and that final scene in
this week's episode looked far too much like Pre-Balrog Moria to pass this
chance up. The only profit I'm getting out of this is my perverse
amusement, and perhaps the perverse amusement of other degenerates like
myself who should really have been culled from the ranks of humanity long
before ever getting access to the internet, and yet managed to slip through
the system. Therefore, to those of you I've just described: enjoy, r&r,
please. (Legal jargon subtitle: please don't sue, I'm indigent.)
This takes place immediately following this week's episode, or at least this chapter does, being written the night of February 18, 2003. Probably, I won't include any future spoilers after this, because I'll be so far ensconced in my crackheaded storyline that it just wouldn't work.
*** Buffy didn't bother trying to sleep that night. But then, would YOU be able to sleep with an army of those.Chaka Khan things flashing before your eyes every time you closed them? Instead, she remained in bed, looking pale and wan, until the wee hours of the morning. Being thus bored out of her skull, she decided to go see if she could find something to kill. All the way, anyway. Vampires, numbskull; this isn't a Faith reincarnate thing about to happen.
She slid out from under the covers and made her way silently to the closet. Who knew what evil was lurking within? Buffy almost started at what looked like a moving shape in the closet, before she realized that it was exactly what she'd been looking for; her leather jacket that Angel had given her, on a hanger in the middle of the closet, against the back wall. She slid it off the hanger, hands shaking visibly, and shrugged into it; apparently, Spike wasn't the only one getting back to the fashion basics of years long past.
Then, she armed herself; a girl couldn't leave the house these days without the proper accessories, which for Buffy consisted of her favorite piece of jewelry: that silver cross she'd worn since before she could remember, which wasn't that long ago since the rap on the head the shaman guy had given her had blanked her long-term a little bit. She knew it had something to do with Angel, though. A wistful sigh escaped her lips as she maneuvered the clasp into place and then picked up the only other thing she'd be bringing with her: a pointy stick, of course, and slid it into her right sleeve for safekeeping. Figuring it was easier to sneak out the window than have to deal with questions and prying from a large number of teen-age girls, not to mention Xander, Anya, and Willow, she slid out her window and climbed down the tree that had been her method of escape so many times before.
Once she was on the ground, she took a few seconds to get to her front yard, from which she stood facing Revello Drive. Toward the school, or toward the larger cemetery that wasn't just across the street from the school? She decided to hoof it toward the school for starters, and then hit the cemetery before doubling back home. By then, she'd have to have killed some tension.
Meanwhile, something strange was occurring in the Cemetery. It involved a shimmery blue light, which appeared out of nowhere. Out of that shimmery blue light blundered a few hairy-footed individuals, as well as a willowy fellow with pointy ears and a rather attractive, yet rugged human. All of them looked scared out of their minds as they took in the pavement, the lack of forests, the carefully engraved tombostones, not to mention those bumpy-headed fellows that were blundering toward them. Said bumpy-headed fellows soon found themselves flying through the shimmery blue light into a land filled with sunshine and other things not conducive to a long unlife.
Soon after, the shimmery blue light disappeared, leaving the party stranded and rather frightened. However, there couldn't help but be lots of hugging and joy, as apparently the shorter pair hadn't seen the taller pair in a very long time.
It took Buffy all of about twenty minutes to patrol the area outside the school, add a few more dust bunnies to the terrain, and double back just in time to see the disappearing blue light. Naturally, she got a rather large case of the wiggin's, what with the big icky vision she was still seeing every time she blinked. So, of course, being the wise and intelligent person she is (and note the heavy sarcasm here) she decided to investigate. Alone. She did so, and was rather startled to see two childlike figures, as well as two taller ones, all talking in what sounded sort of, but not exactly like British accents. "Great, the world's being invaded by midgets now," she thought with a loud groan she probably hadn't meant to allow. However, all in the party she was observing heard it, and they stopped talking amongst themselves immediately.
"Uhh.." Buffy stammered. She found herself staring at the motley crew, and none too little of that attention was being given to the girly blond with the weird ears. He had to be some sort of demon or something, but god he was good looking.
"I beg your pardon, my lady," piped up the darker-haired of the two that were actually taller than Buffy; the Slayer found herself in the unique position of actually being taller than someone above the age of thirteen, for once. "We seem to have gotten lost, could you tell us where we are?"
"Uhh.. You're not in Kansas anymore, I can tell you that much."
"What is this.'Kansas' you speak of?" piped up the paler of the two short ones; his eyes were an interesting blue color and Buffy couldn't help but notice a resemblance to that guy Dawn had posters of plastered all over her wall.
The Slayer groaned, frustrated, and immediately set about trying to figure out what to do with these four. Since they didn't seem to be minions of the first, or anything like that, she decided she'd take them home and see what Dawn and Willow could do to help them. Duty to the people, or whatever. Besides, these guys were all carrying weapons, and they looked like they knew how to use them. Though, Buffy couldn't help but notice three unusual things: the shorter two were barefooted and had hairy feet, and they all smelled ripe and had rather archaic clothing on.
But, no matter, she'd smelled a lot worse, and they seemed like an alright group, though they all seemed in desperate need of haircuts and personal hygiene. She mentally resolved to see to it that they got bathroom priorities and a haircut each (except for the blond, who seemed impeccably well-groomed despite the grungy condition of his companions).
So Buffy brought home four new additions to the household. They arrived in the middle of what must have been a very disconcerting conversation for the four gentlemen:
"If you sneeze and fart at the same time, is it a snart or a feeze?" Xander inquired.
"You can sneeze and fart at the same time?" Dawn replied in a confused voice.
"No, no, you've got it all wrong. Both of you." Anya piped up.
She didn't elaborate, as Buffy stopped them all with a rather loud, "HEY! There're some new guests, I guess.. This is." she gestured at the party, then looked back at them. "I haven't got your names yet.."
The shorter one, who seemed to be in charge of the party, stepped forward, and rattled off introductions before the others could speak. "I am Mr. Underhill, and these are my companions, Strider, Sam, and Legolas.."
Buffy laughed in Mr. Underhill's face, as did all the others except for one very confused, non-English speaking individual. "Get real, what are your names?"
"I've just told you-"
Underhill was cut off by the dark-haired human. "He speaks truth, milady; our names are the ones he just gave you."
Dawn and Willow both immediately started for the bookshelf, where a large volume bound in red leather was immediately lifted down, followed by three smaller volumes, both hard-backed, and each containing a map. These, they brought to the table in the living room, where the newcomers were waiting.
The red volume bore the title uThere And Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale/u By Bilbo Baggins, and the others all had no writing on the covers. Dawn instinctively opened the third of the four volumes and spread a map on the table. It was labeled in an archaic script, though legible even to the Scooby gang; however, at the sight of it, all four of the newcomers started.
"Why, that is a map of our homeland!" cried the hitherto silent shorter individual, who had a likeness to one of the actors who'd been in that movie with Brendan Fraser about the caveman.. Blast from the Past, Buffy's mind eventually supplied.
Willow was the only one who could manage to talk. "Then you're. Eless- Aragorn.. And Frodo Baggins, and Samwise Gamgee, and Legolas Greenleaf.. Whoa."
Xander chimed in then with a hint of his usual wit. "Wow, this is like, a geek's dream come true."
The four Middle Earth natives just looked bewildered.
***
To be continued, I'm losing my creativity at the moment. REVIEWS!
This takes place immediately following this week's episode, or at least this chapter does, being written the night of February 18, 2003. Probably, I won't include any future spoilers after this, because I'll be so far ensconced in my crackheaded storyline that it just wouldn't work.
*** Buffy didn't bother trying to sleep that night. But then, would YOU be able to sleep with an army of those.Chaka Khan things flashing before your eyes every time you closed them? Instead, she remained in bed, looking pale and wan, until the wee hours of the morning. Being thus bored out of her skull, she decided to go see if she could find something to kill. All the way, anyway. Vampires, numbskull; this isn't a Faith reincarnate thing about to happen.
She slid out from under the covers and made her way silently to the closet. Who knew what evil was lurking within? Buffy almost started at what looked like a moving shape in the closet, before she realized that it was exactly what she'd been looking for; her leather jacket that Angel had given her, on a hanger in the middle of the closet, against the back wall. She slid it off the hanger, hands shaking visibly, and shrugged into it; apparently, Spike wasn't the only one getting back to the fashion basics of years long past.
Then, she armed herself; a girl couldn't leave the house these days without the proper accessories, which for Buffy consisted of her favorite piece of jewelry: that silver cross she'd worn since before she could remember, which wasn't that long ago since the rap on the head the shaman guy had given her had blanked her long-term a little bit. She knew it had something to do with Angel, though. A wistful sigh escaped her lips as she maneuvered the clasp into place and then picked up the only other thing she'd be bringing with her: a pointy stick, of course, and slid it into her right sleeve for safekeeping. Figuring it was easier to sneak out the window than have to deal with questions and prying from a large number of teen-age girls, not to mention Xander, Anya, and Willow, she slid out her window and climbed down the tree that had been her method of escape so many times before.
Once she was on the ground, she took a few seconds to get to her front yard, from which she stood facing Revello Drive. Toward the school, or toward the larger cemetery that wasn't just across the street from the school? She decided to hoof it toward the school for starters, and then hit the cemetery before doubling back home. By then, she'd have to have killed some tension.
Meanwhile, something strange was occurring in the Cemetery. It involved a shimmery blue light, which appeared out of nowhere. Out of that shimmery blue light blundered a few hairy-footed individuals, as well as a willowy fellow with pointy ears and a rather attractive, yet rugged human. All of them looked scared out of their minds as they took in the pavement, the lack of forests, the carefully engraved tombostones, not to mention those bumpy-headed fellows that were blundering toward them. Said bumpy-headed fellows soon found themselves flying through the shimmery blue light into a land filled with sunshine and other things not conducive to a long unlife.
Soon after, the shimmery blue light disappeared, leaving the party stranded and rather frightened. However, there couldn't help but be lots of hugging and joy, as apparently the shorter pair hadn't seen the taller pair in a very long time.
It took Buffy all of about twenty minutes to patrol the area outside the school, add a few more dust bunnies to the terrain, and double back just in time to see the disappearing blue light. Naturally, she got a rather large case of the wiggin's, what with the big icky vision she was still seeing every time she blinked. So, of course, being the wise and intelligent person she is (and note the heavy sarcasm here) she decided to investigate. Alone. She did so, and was rather startled to see two childlike figures, as well as two taller ones, all talking in what sounded sort of, but not exactly like British accents. "Great, the world's being invaded by midgets now," she thought with a loud groan she probably hadn't meant to allow. However, all in the party she was observing heard it, and they stopped talking amongst themselves immediately.
"Uhh.." Buffy stammered. She found herself staring at the motley crew, and none too little of that attention was being given to the girly blond with the weird ears. He had to be some sort of demon or something, but god he was good looking.
"I beg your pardon, my lady," piped up the darker-haired of the two that were actually taller than Buffy; the Slayer found herself in the unique position of actually being taller than someone above the age of thirteen, for once. "We seem to have gotten lost, could you tell us where we are?"
"Uhh.. You're not in Kansas anymore, I can tell you that much."
"What is this.'Kansas' you speak of?" piped up the paler of the two short ones; his eyes were an interesting blue color and Buffy couldn't help but notice a resemblance to that guy Dawn had posters of plastered all over her wall.
The Slayer groaned, frustrated, and immediately set about trying to figure out what to do with these four. Since they didn't seem to be minions of the first, or anything like that, she decided she'd take them home and see what Dawn and Willow could do to help them. Duty to the people, or whatever. Besides, these guys were all carrying weapons, and they looked like they knew how to use them. Though, Buffy couldn't help but notice three unusual things: the shorter two were barefooted and had hairy feet, and they all smelled ripe and had rather archaic clothing on.
But, no matter, she'd smelled a lot worse, and they seemed like an alright group, though they all seemed in desperate need of haircuts and personal hygiene. She mentally resolved to see to it that they got bathroom priorities and a haircut each (except for the blond, who seemed impeccably well-groomed despite the grungy condition of his companions).
So Buffy brought home four new additions to the household. They arrived in the middle of what must have been a very disconcerting conversation for the four gentlemen:
"If you sneeze and fart at the same time, is it a snart or a feeze?" Xander inquired.
"You can sneeze and fart at the same time?" Dawn replied in a confused voice.
"No, no, you've got it all wrong. Both of you." Anya piped up.
She didn't elaborate, as Buffy stopped them all with a rather loud, "HEY! There're some new guests, I guess.. This is." she gestured at the party, then looked back at them. "I haven't got your names yet.."
The shorter one, who seemed to be in charge of the party, stepped forward, and rattled off introductions before the others could speak. "I am Mr. Underhill, and these are my companions, Strider, Sam, and Legolas.."
Buffy laughed in Mr. Underhill's face, as did all the others except for one very confused, non-English speaking individual. "Get real, what are your names?"
"I've just told you-"
Underhill was cut off by the dark-haired human. "He speaks truth, milady; our names are the ones he just gave you."
Dawn and Willow both immediately started for the bookshelf, where a large volume bound in red leather was immediately lifted down, followed by three smaller volumes, both hard-backed, and each containing a map. These, they brought to the table in the living room, where the newcomers were waiting.
The red volume bore the title uThere And Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale/u By Bilbo Baggins, and the others all had no writing on the covers. Dawn instinctively opened the third of the four volumes and spread a map on the table. It was labeled in an archaic script, though legible even to the Scooby gang; however, at the sight of it, all four of the newcomers started.
"Why, that is a map of our homeland!" cried the hitherto silent shorter individual, who had a likeness to one of the actors who'd been in that movie with Brendan Fraser about the caveman.. Blast from the Past, Buffy's mind eventually supplied.
Willow was the only one who could manage to talk. "Then you're. Eless- Aragorn.. And Frodo Baggins, and Samwise Gamgee, and Legolas Greenleaf.. Whoa."
Xander chimed in then with a hint of his usual wit. "Wow, this is like, a geek's dream come true."
The four Middle Earth natives just looked bewildered.
***
To be continued, I'm losing my creativity at the moment. REVIEWS!