The number was dialed. All I had to do was press the little 'call' button and wait. It all seemed so unreal, I had a plan. I was in school, yeah I was still living at home with my mom, but I'm only nineteen. I closed my eyes, letting out a heavy sigh. I set the phone down on the blankets around me, locking the screen so I didn't accidentally push a button I didn't want to. Like the 'call' button. I threw my head back on the pillow, smothering my face with blankets.
"Melanie-..what are you doing?" My bedroom door opened and my mom stopped in the doorway. I uncovered my face sitting up. She wore her work uniform, it almost seemed to be the only outfit she had. Scrubs.
"Debating on ruining my life or not." I mumbled.
"What classes do you not what to go to today?" She came in and sat on the foot of my bed.
"Eh, all of them," I laughed. "How late are you gonne be tonight?" I asked, swinging my feet off the bed to sit next to her.
"I should be off by eight." She answered.
"So more like ten?" She glanced up at me with sad eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm just, you know, mentally preparing for my future." I gulped, looking at the stack of books for my nursing classes. My mom had been 2 years older than me when she had gotten pregnant with me, and my dad divorced her when I was 5. I haven't seen or talked to him since. My mom was a trauma nurse here in Oregon. She was just starting when she got pregnant with me, now I wondered if I could be as strong.
"Dinner is in the fridge, lasagna. Just has to be heated up. Don't worry about saving any for me, I'll eat at the hospital." She stood, realizing what time it was. "Get to class, Melanie." She pinched my arm, giving me a side hug. I didn't say anything as she left, I had a lot on my mind. I feared if I began to say anything it would all just come flying out, and I really didn't want that.
I waited until I heard the front door close before I found my phone, unlocking it and again staring at the number. I needed to do it. Pushing 'call' I let out a small cry.
"Hello" Oh God. He answered. Now what? Speak! Come on! "Hello?" USE WORDS!
"Hey, um Ben?" I stuttered on my tongue.
"Yes, that would be me. May I ask who is calling?" He sounded busy, I called at the wrong time.
"Yeah, uh this is Melanie, we um, hung out at Ryan's Fourth of July party?" I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I hadn't made the call.
"Hey! I was wondering when you'd call, Ryan said you asked for my number. Sorry, I had to rush off without getting yours." He laughed. "I was actually asking Ryan for yours when he said you asked for mine."
"Oh, yeah, how funny." I sounded awkward, oh God what a creep. "Hey can we maybe go out or something? I wanna talk."
"Yeah, um, do you have plans this morning? I'm free in about an hour, we could go get breakfast." He sounded a little concerned at the urgency in my tone, but I was thankful that he got the hint.
"Great, I'll meet you somewhere? How's the sherry's on 99?" I questioned.
"Sweet, I look forward to this date." I could tell that he was smiling.
"Date?" I mocked. "No one said anything about a date."
"Oh can it not be a date cause it's breakfast?"
"No," I paused. "it can still be a date." I hung up, jumping from the bed. I had an hour to get ready. Not being a huge girly girl who does a ton of makeup and take 2 and half hours to get ready, I still figured it would take me longer than an hour. I mean the shower alone took 45 minutes, I had just woken up! I needed to stand there and let the warm water wash over my achy body.
Once out of the shower I decided to speed dress and just throw on some leggings and a long tank top. Nearing the end of August in Oregon meant the weather outside was most likely warm but you never really knew. So unpredictable. I pulled my long brown curly hair down from the messy bun it had fallen out of in my sleep. I fixed the bun, putting it back up. Anything I did would just result in it going back to curly. I pulled on a pair of blue laced flats, grabbing my keys and heading out. If I had had more time, I probably would have put on at least some foundation and mascara. Ben would just have to deal with a baggy eyed almost 20 year old college student. I then remembered I lied.
I stopped with my hand on the door handle. My mouth going dry. I had told him I was 22. Would two years really matter? I gulped realizing it was too late for a 'would it matter' scenario. There was a 'thing' and it wasn't going anywhere. No matter what. I continued out the door going to my little blue, four door Ford Focus. I climbed in, not thinking about anything but going. If I even began to think about thinking about what I was about to do then I would just climb right back out of the car.
"Just go." I groaned, speeding down the street. I didn't live far from the Sherry's that I requested we meet at. In fact I was there in 10 minutes and found myself actually waiting for Ben.
"Hey, sorry, traffic was pretty bad." He climbed from his big white jeep. "Shall we?" He motioned for me to go into the restaurant first. We went in sitting in a booth on the far side. "How are you? How's school?"
"You know, it's school. I'm thinking about taking some time off and just focusing on work." I picked up the menu, looking it over.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, haha. They all say that if you take time off then you won't go back and I am living proof of that." He took a sip of his water. I laughed, picking an omelet that made my mouth water just at the sight of it. "I was going to be an EMT, did I tell you that?"
"No, you didn't. What made you take time off?" I thought of my reason to quit school for the time being.
"Kailynn." I looked up, meeting his gaze. He laughed; I'm sure at the weird look I was giving him. "My daughter," He clarified. I quickly looked away, feeling my tongue swell in my mouth. I couldn't speak. "I'm guessing I didn't mention that either." I shook my head, continuing to look down. "It's kind of a long story, but I uhh, I really like you Melanie and I will tell you anything you want to know."
I nodded, glancing up at him and then back down at the menu. This could not be happening. He had a daughter!
"She will be 3 on October 8th." He spoke, folding his own menu and putting it on the edge of the table. "I have sole custody of her, and her mom is not in the picture. We were just starting out at being adults and well we got caught up in it. When she got pregnant, she decided to get rid of it without even telling me." I found myself staring at him, almost intrigued by the story. "Her mom then somehow convinced her to give the baby up for adoption, you know in place of the other option."
"Are you two ready to order?" A waitress with a name tag that read 'Amber' came up to the table.
"Yeah umm.." I stuttered looking back at the menu. "Can I get the Denver omelet?"
"Sure, thing. What kind of toast would you like? And hash browns?"
"Wheat toast and yes on the hash brown. Oh and some orange juice please." She nodded, writing everything I said down on her little notepad.
"And for you sir?"
"I'll have the eggs benedict with bacon. Crispy please." Ben spoke. "And some coffee." The waitress left going to get the coffee for Ben.
"So did you adopt her?" I sipped the orange juice when the waitress brought it along with the coffee. "Your daughter?"
"Not exactly, I just proved that she was mine and Sarah had to sign over all her rights. She didn't want to be a mom." I nodded taking a deep breath. "Are you okay, Melanie? You seem, I don't know, nervous."
Here it is. Now or never, I needed to tell him. But how could I tell him now knowing that he has a daughter? I closed my eyes. "Ben, I uh, we…" I swallowed hard. "I'm not twenty two." I let out a sigh. "I'll actually be twenty next month." Ben laughed, leaning forward to say something. "But it gets worse. I wasn't on birth control." I blurted. Ben's eyes went wide. "I know, right, scary, but it gets worse. I wasn't on birth control and well now..I'm pregnant." I gave a dry laugh, panic rising in my throat. I watched as something worse filled into Ben's eyes; fear. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I don't expect anything from you, I just thought that you should know that you're going to be a dad but ha! You already are!" I blabbed on, not able to stop the words from spilling out of my mouth. "I'm ruining this!" I bowed my head, covering my eyes, wanting nothing more than to be somewhere else.
"Wow." I heard him breathe the word like he had been holding his breath the whole time I was talking. The waitress came out with our order setting it down in front us. Ben nodded in thanks but neither of us moved to eat. "Melanie…?" I looked up finding Ben staring at me with sad eyes.
"Ben I'm sorry-"
"Don't, you didn't plan this. I mean, it's okay, we're going to be okay." He smiled. "We're having a baby, congrats Melonie!" He almost bounced in the booth with excitement. What is going on, I thought to myself. He was happy about what we had done. "Have you told your mom?"
"No." I managed to choke out that one word before he continued.
"Are you 100% positive that you are pregnant?" I reached into my back pocket pulling out a small square picture. I slid it across the table to Ben.
"I'm 8 weeks, I've already been to the doctor. I have a follow up in 3 weeks." I let out a heavy sigh. Feeling as though my world was caving in, I decided there was nothing more that I could do. I had made a decision and this was the result. Now I'd have to face the consequences. I stood quickly making my way to the bathroom to vomit as my nerves overcame my emotions. In other words: I had royally fucked up.