TITLE: When The Past Comes Back To Bite You On The Ass

AUTHOR: VIDZ

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show "House, M.D." and motion picture "Life of Brian" are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

SUMMARY: this is what happens when a reader has had enough of Mary Sues masquerading as House's kids.

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House was sitting on his couch in an apartment so heavily littered he couldn't move off the sofa even if he wanted to. He was a bachelor and all bachelors are hopeless slobs, right?

He was chugging down whiskey in gallons and gulping Vicodin in fist-fulls because that definitely wasn't a deadly combination that would give him a first-class ticket to the ER at best or, most likely, his own nice cooler in the morgue.

So into watching his cartoon was he that he almost overheard the knocking on the door, even though the door itself barely held on to it's hinges from the powerful impacts.

Groaning, he got up and, even through the trash all over the floor, he rushed to it faster than any cripple should've been able to. But this was House, after all.

"Coming!" he muttered "My eyes are dim. I cannot see. My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled."

Opening the door he found a young Marine standing there.

"What?" House snapped as the burly young man snapped to attention.

"Sir, Gregory House, sir?" the body-builder with the haircut House had always deemed the most horrible and ridiculous asked.

"Yes, what do you want?"

"Did you, sir, 20 years ago when you and Stacy were taking a break, sir, have, for the only time in your life, have unprotected sex with..."

"20 years ago?" House interrupted him "I didn't even know Stacy back then yet."

That stopped the young man "Oh. Sir." he made a few calculations "You're right, sir. Someone obviously doesn't know math. Sir." he huffed.

"I ask again, what do you want?"

"Well, did you have sex with a woman, sir?"

"I don't know. Probably."

The Marine's face then cleared and a big smile erupted. House was disturbed to see the Marine was going to hug him, but then he received such a shock that a hug didn't really matter.

"DAD!... Sir." the man exclaimed and almost crushed House's ribs.

House had only one though while trying to breathe: hold on a minute, wasn't his illegitimate kid supposed to be a teenaged girl, with a chip on her shoulder, problem with authority, listen to rock, play piano and be such an awesome genius that she could solve the hardest medical puzzles even though she was still in high school, even worse, was years to young to have any medical training at all?

Perhaps I'll continue this. Or not. I really don't know and am not sure I even care :)

Either way, leave a review cause reviews are love.