Alright, since everyone and their brother keeps bugging me about a better disclaimer, I think it's time I finally make one. Two years after I wrote the damned thing. On top of things, aren't I? -_-
ANYWAY, here it is: This fanfic is a crossover of the manga and the original anime. It was part of an AU fic I was going to write but ended up not. Envy is anime!Envy, but he has a relationship with Lust more like manga!Envy. This is basically Lust's manga death in the anime-verse.
I can remember that moment perfectly. The day a chasm opened up in my chest. I remember the way my heart stopped, the way it felt not to breathe. The world could have stopped completely, and I never would have noticed.
"Lust is dead." Pride's voice was as level as always. No hint of emotion: no sorrow, no disappointment, not even his usual amusement. It was a damn good thing he wasn't amused, too, or I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from killing him right then and there.
Gluttony's face fell the moment he heard those three words. His eyes began to waver, and with a heavy thump, he plopped to the ground. His lip began to quiver, and it wasn't long before he started crying. Tears rolled down his face and pooled on his stomach, dribbling down to the ground. I'd never seen Gluttony sad before, but right now… He looked devastated.
"No…" I whispered; my voice too quiet to be heard.
"The Flame Alchemist finished her." Pride continued; his voice still utterly calm. So brutally, insanely calm… How did he do it?
"L-Lust…" Gluttony hiccuped miserably from the ground. "L-L-Lust…" He moaned, raising a fleshy hand to wipe his tears. There was a stinging sensation in the backs of my eyes, but unlike Gluttony, I was better at resisting my emotions.
"Lust… Lust is dead." I repeated. The words felt foreign in my mouth, and as soon as they'd rolled off my tongue, I could feel myself slowly caving in. Maybe it hadn't sunk in well enough until now, but saying it aloud pulled it out of the realm of fantasy: it made it real. Lust was dead. She was gone. Forever. My friend –the only person I'd ever considered a friend – my sister, was dead.
Already memories were searing through my mind. I could remember the day I'd first entered this forsaken place. The day I met her, the fascinated look in her eyes when she first saw me. The way she taunted and mocked me; ignored my threats. That lazy way she had of lounging about the base, the way she'd always kept Greed in line. I remembered the way she'd stepped in to help me in battle. She'd saved me when I'd been reduced to a parasite, trapped beneath the rubble and just waiting to die. She was my sister. My best friend. I'd loved her like family, like real family. She'd made me feel special –like I was important, like I mattered to someone other than myself. And now… Now she was gone.
"Dammit…" I hissed, my nails digging into my palms; leaving tiny crescents in my skin. "DAMMIT!" I screamed. Pride looked over at me in mild surprise, and Dante fixed a disgruntled look on me. "Why don't we go kill that bastard now!" The scream tore at my throat, firing furiously at Pride. My blood felt like it was on fire. I had to destroy something, or kill something; at least do something! I couldn't stay here, knowing that the man who'd killed Lust was still alive, probably congratulating himself about it! I wanted to shift –needed to –so bad, but I couldn't. Not here, and not now. And even if I did, it wouldn't change anything. Lust would still be dead. Gone. Forever. God, it hurt so much just to think about it…
"Lu-L-Lust…" Gluttony sobbed pitifully.
"That bastard colonall is still alive!" I roared, whirling to face Dante. "He killed Lust! We can't just let him get away with that! We can go down there –I'll go down there! I'll do it myself! Finish him off, I'll make it look like an accident, I swear, just let me do this –" Dante raised a hand, her icy gaze silencing me. Seething, I took a deep breath and waited for her to speak. Or tried to. All I could think of was the many terrible things I would do to that worthless bastard who'd killed Lust. I'd make him pay for what he'd done… Accident? By the time I was done with him, they'd know there'd been nothing accidental about it!
"Pride… Why did you let him live?" Dante asked quietly, her voice exasperated as she looked tiredly toward Bradley.
"I believe he can still be of use to us." Pride replied calmly. God, I wanted to smash that relaxed look off his wrinkled face. He was still talking, but I didn't hear a word. I didn't care either.
I knew that look on Dante's face. It was the same look she'd had when Hoenheim had told her he was getting rid of me. It was a look of silent agreement; she would forgive Pride, and we would all move on. She wouldn't avenge Lust. She wouldn't bring her back, either. She would just let things be.
It was right then when everything became too real for me to handle. Pain, like a fire, consumed me. It was like that Xing brat's kunai piercing me again and again, or a billion blades running through my Philosopher's stone. It was being trapped where no one can hear your screams for help. It was being tossed out of your home into the rain, watching your family throw you away. Having them call you a mistake, admitting they never should have created you.
It was Hoenheim and Dante –Mom and dad -abandoning me all over again.
It was just too much. Biting back a scream, I stormed out from the room, not bothering to look back. It didn't matter. Who was going to call out to me, tell me to come back or chase after me? Not Dante. Certainly not Pride –if he did, I'd kill him –and Gluttony wasn't in any state to either. It was just me, now. Me against the world, again, just like it had been before I'd come here. Before I'd met her.
I couldn't take it anymore. The scream tore from my throat, rippling through the silence. I didn't cry –I never cried, not even now. Falling to the ground, I sat there, unmoving and silent. Lust was gone… Gone, gone, gone… And there was nothing I could do about it.
What happens to a homunculus when they die? It's not like we have a real heart or a real soul to fall back on. When we die… Where do we go? All the souls inside us –gone. Our bodies disappear- gone, too. Eventually, the memories of us will fade too, like we never even existed… And our souls… They were never there to begin with. When we die, we're not really dead… We're just… Gone. Thinking about it made my chest ache with an unbearable pain. Gone… Lust was gone, forever. And as always, I was powerless to do anything about anything. What would killing the coronel do, anyway? Lust would still be dead. She'd still be gone. I still would never see her again. I didn't know what hurt more, knowing she was gone, or knowing that now I could never see her or hear her again. Never again would I see that sly smirk of hers or hear her laugh. No more missions together. No more sneaking out during Dante's speeches to fool around and waste time. I'd never see her face again.
I sat there and waited. What I was waiting for, I can't say. Maybe I was waiting for Dante to come get me, or for one of my "siblings" to come for her. Maybe I was waiting for the pain to go away, and for the emptiness to return. Or maybe I just wanted to stay here in the darkness for awhile.
In the silence, in the dark, where I was the only one there, I could imagine that I was gone too. And then, maybe, the pain inside me would finally go away...
Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone…