A/N: Here's a little story about what happens when I have too much free time to think about these types of things. Hehe. This is based more on the movie than the books, like the quotes I guess. It also focuses on Klaus! Hooray Klaus!
Disclaimer: Now why would Daniel Handler write fan fiction about his own books?
"What's that up there?" Klaus asked.
"That's the tower, which you are never to enter," Olaf moved his face close to Klaus and raised his one eyebrow, "under any circumstances."
Klaus moved his head back and widened his eyes. Olaf had bad breath.
Klaus couldn't help but recall that memory from his first day at Olaf's house while he cleaned the floor near the tower steps. Olaf had yet again assigned an outrageous amount of chores to be completed for the day. In order to complete them all, the Baudelaire orphans split them up. Violet and Sunny worked in the main room while Klaus worked alone in the back of the house. As he scrubbed the floor surrounding the tower stairs, he grew frustrated and angry about his dire situation. His parents were dead, his house was gone, and he and his sisters were forced to live with an awful guardian.
Tossing the discolored rag into the bucket of dirty water, Klaus sat down on the bottom step to think. Looking down, he observed his hands. Once soft and delicate, they were now red, cracked, and dry. His blue sweater had dirt stains and was torn at the cuff. Sighing loudly, he flopped back. Klaus shushed himself immediately when he heard giggling escaping from the forbidden tower.
What is he doing up there? Klaus thought. He sat up and listened harder. That was definitely giggling. Quiet as a mouse, he inched slowly up the creaky wooden steps. The giggling became louder as Klaus crept further up the steps. His foot hit a creaky step, causing him to stop short. The giggling continued, obviously not hearing the nosy orphan ascending the stairs. To play it safe, he slipped off his clunky brown shoes. He continued his climb in socks. They were white when he first arrived, but they had acquired a thin coating of brown dirt on the bottom from not being washed. They smelled bad too. It was quite a climb to the top, but Klaus persevered through it. The door was closed, but there was a key hole just pig enough for a reasonably attractive twelve year old orphan to spy through. Klaus covered his mouth and grabbed the banister as not to let the giggler know he was there – or fall down the steps at the sight. Holy cow! Klaus stared through the key hole at Olaf who was doing the unthinkable.
Olaf sat at a tall vanity elaborately decorated with gold and silver. A large amount of stage make up – and regular make up – was displayed in special holders. A showcase of wigs was next to the vanity. There was one with long, bright pink hair. Olaf selected one next to it. It was dark brown and shoulder length. Slicking back the hair he had, Olaf adjusted the brown wig. He began brushing it and styled it into a messy bun.
"Oh don't you look wonderful now," Olaf said in a high pitched girly voice as he admired his appearance in the mirror. He picked up a small compact and began spreading powder on his cheeks and nose. He applied purple eye shadow on his eyelids and then put on eyeliner and mascara. When he was finished with his eyes, Olaf selected a shade of bright red lipstick. He began spreading it on his disgusting mouth. When he was finished, he puckered his lips and kissed the mirror, leaving a mark.
Klaus was doing his best not to burst out laughing. He knew better than this, but sometimes it can be hard to control yourself, for example if someone is wearing an ugly hat. The thought of laughing turned to the thought of puking. Olaf had stood up and Klaus noticed that he was only wearing a pair of underwear. Turning his head, Klaus looked around for a spork to gauge his eyes out with. Being nosy, he turned his head and looked back through the key hole. Olaf was pulling numerous things out of a large closet.
Olaf dug through his closet, smiling when he found what he was looking for. He emerged with a purple dress with white polka dots. Rummaging through a drawer, he found a pair of pantyhose. He struggled to get the pantyhose onto his disgusting, hairy legs. The reason he was struggling was because he, like most men, had never worn pantyhose before. He finally pulled them on and had them adjusted just the way he wanted. Olaf next slipped the dress over his head tied the ribbon in the back. It fit awkwardly because it was made for a woman, not a man. Admiring himself in a full length mirror, he smiled. For a finishing touch, he slipped on a pair of black Maryjanes.
Klaus couldn't help but laugh at his guardian's horrible outfit. He looked like a moron. He was tempted to climb back down the steps and notify his sisters of Olaf's actions, but decided not to move in fear of getting caught.
Olaf walked to the side of the room where Klaus couldn't see. He emerged a few minutes later with a mannequin. The mannequin had a picture of the hook-handed man taped over the head. Olaf held the mannequin tightly and began singing to it.
"Oh, Hooky," he sang in a high pitched voice, spinning around as he tried to dance, "it is I, Shirley, you're beautiful wife. La la la!" Spinning around, he slammed the mannequin against the door and began kissing it passionately.
The impact of Olaf slamming against the door caused Klaus to lose his balance. He tumbled backwards and fell down the steps, managing to grab his shoes on the way down. Before long, he landed on the floor and knocked the bucket of water over. It spilled all over, getting on his pants.
"Klaus, are you okay?" Violet, carrying Sunny, rushed into the room when she heard her brother crash down the steps.
"Orphans!" Count Olaf emerged from his tower and barreled down the steps. "What is this noise?"
The Baudelaires stared at their guardian. He had obviously forgotten what he was wearing.
"Um, Count Olaf?" Violet asked, a small giggling escaping her lips.
"What?" Olaf asked. He looked down and noticed his attire. "I was – I was… get back to work now." He thumped back up the steps in anger, almost tripping because of his shoes.
"Klaus, are you okay?" Violet asked again.
Klaus responded in laughter. "I saw the whole thing. I was up there. It was so funny." He was on a ball on the floor laughing.
"Okay, well, Klaus," Violet wasn't quite sure of what to say. "It was kind of weird seeing him like that. I hope they we never see him dressed in drag again."
"Yeah, it's not pleasant," Klaus replied, collecting himself and putting his shoes on.
Little did they know, but they would see him dressed in drag very soon – too soon.
A/N: Well, what did you think? I know you're dying to tell me in that review you want to leave:)