The Way We Were

by ibreak4CSI

[GC angst] Grissom left the lab three years ago, after he and Catherine broke off their relationship. He is back in town for the holidays, and runs into her one afternoon...

Summary: Grissom left the lab three years ago, after he and Catherine broke off their relationship. He is back in town for the holidays, and runs into her one afternoon...

Notes: This isn't a Christmas fic, but it does take place on Christmas eve. I am not really a fan of sad fics, but I absolutely love this song and had to do a fic about it.

Also, to clear up confusion, I made it to where Gil moved away before he ever grew a beard.

Rating: PG-13

Category: Angst, just to warn you

Disclaimer: CSI and the song "Same Old Lang Syne" do not belong to me. Neither does the title. It belongs to a very good movie.

--The Way We Were--

I had arrived back in Las Vegas on December twenty-fourth.

One day until Christmas, and I had absolutely no one to go visit.

Well, maybe that wasn't entirely true. There were a few old friends I could drop in on and be welcome.

But I knew I probably wouldn't be welcome by the one person I longed to see.

I don't know why I had even come to Vegas. There was nothing here for me to do that I couldn't do elsewhere.

But I knew what I had come for. I wanted to remember. I had come to relive what were the best eight months of my entire life. That one period in my life when I had been truly happy; when Catherine, Lindsey, and I had been a family in everything but name.

That time that seemed so long ago, even though it had only been three years. In ways it seemed like less, but in most it seemed like so much more.

As I pondered, I drove to the nearest grocery store. I still loved to cook my own food, and I was very thankful that this hotel had a stove so I could do so.

Pulling into the closest parking space, I turned off the engine. As I stared at the faded green sign, I was overwhelmed by memories. I used to shop here all the time. I remembered the Thanksgiving I spent with Catherine and Lindsey. We had gone shopping here.

The faint sounds of the laughter and teasing we had shared echoed in my ear as I exited the rented Tahoe and slammed the door harder than necessary, as if I could slam the door on the memories as easily.

As I neared the entrance, I felt a small wetness on my cheek. Turning my gaze toward the sky, I realized that it was snowing. How ironic, it could snow on the one Christmas where I really didn't give a damn.

I resumed walking, for I was getting chilled, opened the door, and stepped inside.

I didn't need a cart, as I was only picking up a few things.

After five minutes, my basket was half full and I had everything I needed.

I went ahead and strode to the frozen foods section for future reference, as I was going to be here for a few days.

As I neared the area I wanted to go, though I stopped in my tracks.

Met my old lover in the grocery store,
The snow was falling Christmas Eve.
I stole behind her in the frozen foods,
And I touched her on the sleeve.

Somehow, I knew who it was without even seeing her face.

She was standing there, only ten or so feet from me.

She remained oblivious to my gaze as she stood, facing away from me, leaning over slightly to compare items. She was dressed in a classy black leather jacket. Black dress pants and boots completed the ensamble.

She grown out her hair a few more inches and had it curled; it fell in soft, strawberry blond ringlets down her back. I could visualize those locks framing her face, and was overcome by a longing to actually see it, not just picture it.

So, moved by a force stronger than I could resist, I softly padded up behind her. When she still remained oblivious to my presence, I gently reached out and touched her on the sleeve.

She didn't recognize the face at first,
But then her eyes flew open wide.
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse,
And we laughed until we cried.

The jerk of her body told me that I had startled her, and she quickly spun around to see who it was.

It took her a whole half-second to recognize me, even with the beard. Her eyes flew open, and her jaw dropped in a silent gasp.

I saw her mouth form my name, though no sound emerged.

I attempted a small grin.

"Hi, Cath."

The nickname slipped out, but she didn't seem to notice.

Her mouth moved again, but this time, sound came out.

"Hi."

She went to hug me, but had forgotten her purse, so she dumped half the contents of it on the floor.

Maybe it was good to relieve the tension, or maybe we were both so overcome by the emotions of seeing each other again that we were a little bit hysterical. Or possibly a little bit of both. Either way, we laughed alot harder than the situation called for. We laughed until there were tears streaming down our faces.

We took her groceries to the checkout stand,
The food was totalled up and bagged.
We stood there lost in our embarrassment,
As the conversation dragged.

As we composed ourselves, the awkwardness of the situation sunk in and the conversation dragged.

She gestured to the half-full cart.

"Well, I'm done here. So..."

It pained me to see the way we were so awkward around each other. We hadn't even acted this way when we first met. There had just been and something about us, and we had just...clicked.

"Me too. So, should we check out?"

"Sure. Lead the way."

She gestured toward the general area of the check-outs, and we started in that direction.

We checked out seperately, and hardly a word was spoken except some minute small talk.

"Would you like some help carrying out your groceries?"

I only had one bag, and she had three, so it was simply a logical offer.

"Sure. Thanks."

We each took two, and walked back out the doors, where the snow was coming down even more rapidly than it had been when I came in.

I stopped when I realized that Catherine was no longer beside me. Turning back, I found her standing right outside the entrance, open mouthed, staring at the sky.

I guess I had been right about it not snowing in Vegas.

"It's beautiful."

I nodded, knowing that it really was.

The bright smile on her face made my heart feel light. Even though I was not the cause of her happiness, the dullness I had seen in her eyes was now replaced by a dim sparkle.

When she started moving again, I dropped into a place beside her.

After we deposited the groceries in the back of our respective vehicles, it seemed that the silence, which had been comfortable for a while, ever since we came outside, grew tense and strained.

"Listen, I know you probably have things to do, but if not, do you want to go out for a drink? You know, catch up and things?"

"Are you sure your husband would be okay with that?" I asked, referring to the wedding ring I had immediately spotted the moment I laid eyes on her.

"His name's Justin." She said with a slight smile. "And yes, he will be fine with it. We are just two friends going to talk about all that we have been doing since we last saw each other."

"Sure. Where do you want to go? There doesn't seem to be an open bar around here."

She gestured to the small section of the bigger building that boasted a neon blue and red OPEN sign.

"Who says you need a bar?"

"Lead the way, then."

I said cheekily, feeling better, as the tension between us was already slightly diminishing.

We went to have ourselves a drink or two,
But couldn't find an open bar.
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store,
And we drank it in her car.

Catherine started updating me on all of Lindsey's achievements since I had left, as it was a relatively safe subject that wouldn't bring up any unnecessary memories. She was now sixteen, and quite a headstrong girl.

I made a comment about her taking after her mother that landed me with a smack on the head.

"What? I meant that as a compliment. Knowing what you want and going after it can be a good thing."

"Damn right it can! Besides, I was never that bad..." At my look, she relented.

"Okay, well maybe I was, but still. Now that I'm a parent, I know better."

"Yes, well I expect when Lindsey reaches your age, she will know that too. But as of right now, she's still a teenager."

"Good point."

Catherine grabbed a six pack of beer, and we took it to the register. After a five minute arguement, - that was all in good spirits, of course - by which the teenage cashier probably got her amusement for the day, Catherine wound up paying the bill. In my head, I made a sarcastic comment about her definitely not being as stubborn now, but I didn't say it out loud, as I didn't know what injury that might land me with.

We headed back out to her Denali, and climbed inside. She started the engine and let the heater warm the interior.

I had once heard alcohol refferred to as fun in a bottle. But for me, it was more like angst in a bottle, because the one time I got drunk in the past three years - after all, a famous entemology lecturer does not have much time to be intoxicated - my thoughts had turned to Catherine.

And thus, my sad attmept to drown my memories had backfired, and I had wound up drowning in them.

After that, I had stayed far away from alcohol, making exceptions only for the occasional glass of wine.

Until now, that is, because I had a feeling that I would need it, no matter if it brought back memories or not.

We drank a toast to innocence,
We drank a toast to now.
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness,
But neither one knew how.

Each of us took a beer and opened it. We toasted to nothing in particular, and took a drink. I took a long swig, as if by filling my stomache with the liquid, I could fill the void in another area inside of me. She seemed to be doing the same, and that somehow, absurdly, comforted me.

She said she'd married her an architect,
Who kept her warm and safe and dry,
She would have liked to say she loved the man,
But she didn't like to lie.

After a couple of drinks, the silence grew to be annoying, and I asked her about her life. She automatically assumed I was talking about her new husband. And I guess I was, though I was interested in other things as well.

"'We have been married a little over a year." She said with a smile that let me know that she really was fond of him.

"Congratulations." I said.

She shook her head, knowing that I didn't truly mean it. "Don't lie, Gil. Please."

"Does he make you happy?" I asked.

A small smile turned the edges of her mouth upward, but I got the feeling that it was sort of a sad smile.

"Yeah. He's good for me and Lindsey. He's nice. Not the scum I used to be so prone to."

"That's good."

"He's an architect. And he's really a good man. Linds really loves him."

"But do you?" I knew the answer before I even asked the question, but I asked it anyway.

She looked down, avoiding my gaze for a moment. That would have answered me even if I hadn't already known.

She brought her head back up and took a drink of her beer, before gazing out the now slightly foggy windshield.

"Honestly Gil? He is nice, handsome, wonderful to me. I'm very fond of him..." Her gaze turned to meet mine and I saw the tears shimmering in her eyes, threatening to spill over. "But no. I don't love him." A couple of the tears did fall then, sliding down the lovely, soft cheeks of my former lover.

I couldn't quite stop my hand and it went out of it's own accord, my thumb brushing the tears away. She sat stiffly as I did that, and I could tell that it awakened long-dormant emotions that didn't need to be awake.

So I pulled away, now slightly embarassed. I finished my beer and she did too. I took out a second one for both of us, taking care not to let my hand brush hers.

I said the years had been a friend to her,
And that her eyes were still as blue.
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I saw,
Doubt or gratitude.

"Gil?" Her voice was hesitant.

"Mmm?"

She swallowed audibly, and I knew that whatever she was about to ask was hard for her.

"Do you still find me...attractive?"

My head swiveled toward her, startled.

"Not like that. I just need to know." I didn't ask for a more detailed answer and she didn't volunteer.

"In that case, Catherine, yes I do. Your hair is still the same enchanting shade of strawberry blonde. You don't seem to have gained a pound since I left, and your eyes are still the most bewitching, beautiful blue I have ever seen."

In those eyes, I wasn't sure if I saw doubt or gratitude.

"I'm serious, Cath." I said, letting my sincerity show in my voice. It was the truth.

She gave me a small smile and turned away. That was the last we spoke on the subject, and I could only hope that I had given her whatever answer she wanted.

She said she saw me in the record stores,
And that I must be doing well.
I said the audience was heavenly,
But the traveling was hell.

She made a feeble attempt to lighten the atmosphere by asking about me.

"Well, by now, I have pretty much gotten used to an audience. Of course it still bothers me," I answered truthfully.

"But I just try to concentrate on the fact that whatever I am sharing will hopefully affect some people who will put it to good use, and the world will be a slightly better place than it was. The only thing I can't seem to get used to is living in hotels. It's terrible."

She smiled a little with me, and we both reached for another bottle; an automatic action, not really even thinking about it.

We drank a toast to innocence,
We drank a toast to now.
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness,
But neither one knew how.
We drank a toast to innocence,
We drank a toast to time.
Reliving in our eloquence,
Another 'auld lang syne'

"To what was and what will be." I toasted. All at once, toasting to what we were and what we were now. Showing my appreciation and loving for how it used to be, but that I accepted how it was now.

She made the toasting gesture back to me and I took a sip of the liquid, not able to think of something else to say.

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired,
And running out of things to say.
She gave a kiss to me as I got out,
And I watched her drive away.

Just for a moment I was back at school,
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home,
The snow turned into rain

"Gil?" Her voice stopped me as I was reaching for the door handle.

I turned back to her, and found her face only inches from mine. She still smelled the same, and the subtle, sweet aroma aroused many dormant memories.

"Goodbye." Her voice broke and she pressed the softest of kisses against my lips.

She pulled away, and we shared a long look, knowing that this could very well be the last time we ever saw each other.

"Goodbye, Cath." My voice was husky, and I held her gaze for a few more seconds before moving to exit vehicle. I stepped outside, the cold air seeming even more so after being in the heated interior of her car. The engine started when I got several paces away, pulled out of the parking place then onto the road.

I stood and watched as the familiar Denali faded from sight, not noticing or caring that the soft, fluffy flakes of a couple minutes ago had morphed into cold, wet, angry droplets that pelted mercilessly against my face and mixed with the clouds of vapor that emerged from my mouth.

Now thoroughly soaked, I turned to slowly make my way back to my own vehicle.

I didn't really even feel the biting rain. I was aware of it, of course, but seemingly unable to feel the pain. At the moment, I was comfortably numb; partially from the alcohol, partially from the defensive emotional barrier I had hurridly built, protecting myself, as had become a habit, from the pain that came from losing her.

Although I knew that wasn't true.

I couldn't have lost her, because this time I never really had her.

The End