A few days ago I knew a normal life. At least as normal of a life a girl with two dead moms and a series of failed "relationships" could be. A few days ago I didn't have to walk around, heavy with guilt over being in love with my best friend's boyfriend. A truth I've lived with for nearly a year now. It was something I kept quiet, and hidden from everyone else, but a few days ago I broke my silence. The secrecy of my affection kept the guilt at bay.
When I told Lucas that I loved him, it was not just the haziness of blood loss that caused such confessions to dribble out of my shaky mouth. At that moment it seemed only deserving that if I was going to die, the boy I was so hopelessly in love with should at least know about my feelings. No matter how unfair the statement might be to everyone else. I'd be dead, what the hell would I care? Well, the joke is on me. Turns out I didn't die, and now I'm left with only the foggy memory of my admission and a Get Well Soon card Lucas had dropped off while I was in the hospital, the second of my two night stay. He left the card with my father, signed only, "Love, Lucas." Never stepping foot in the room. I still don't really know what to make of the gesture.
It is terribly difficult for me not to be around Lucas right now. Over the summer we were one anothers support group. Now that he was finally with Brooke, that had changed. She simply could not accept our friendship, and out of loyalty to her I respected her wishes not to hang around with Lucas, even though I ached for him everyday. Brooke was the one who would get him through his loss, not me. She was his girlfriend. I was not jealous. Maybe under different circumstances I would have been, but more than anything I just wanted to comfort him the way he had comforted me throughout my many emotional breakdowns. The funeral was this morning and I couldn't even make it to that because of my damn, gimpy ass leg.
On our way over to Lucas' house, I knew I wouldn't be able to face him, not just yet. I would say I was there to see Karen. Which was a half-truth. I could not possibly imagine what she was going through. I tried thinking of how my life would be without Lucas, but it was too heart wrenching to even toy with the though. Three seconds in, and immediately Brooke found me as my father walked over and thanked Lucas for saving my life.
I'm sorry I haven't checked in lately. I've just been with Lucas and Karen.
Yeah, of course.
She wished me well, and I ran off to find Karen as fast as I could crutch away. Whatever guilt I felt before was only amplified now. I passed Lucas on my way. He looked at me, mouth agape, as if he had just seen a ghost. His expression quickly changed to a comforting, slight smile, an acknowledgment of my presence. My stomach dropped, and for a moment I paused before continuing my short journey to the kitchen.
Brooke sent me a text about some party at the school. I didn't want to go, it seemed too soon and way too inappropriate for such an event. But I went, in hopes of having a moment with Lucas. We needed to talk, otherwise I'd be living in complete agony. Sure enough, he showed up. And he looked really upset with Brooke when I spotted them together.
I shuffled off to the library, which in my mind I now called our place. The moon was the only source of light in the room. It seemed like I was spending all my days and nights in a vast darkness that just kept growing. I took this quiet moment to replay the kiss, and the expression on Lucas' face when I announced it was just in case he couldn't get me out, like he promised. He appeared upset, and in my state it was comforting to know that someone out there would notice, would care if I died.
We gotta stop meeting up like this.
I wondered if he saw me come in here, or if like me, he found contentment in this library where we've shared two stolen moments.
I never did thank you. My throat felt tight all of a sudden.
Hey, its okay. He breathed out. Lately it felt like that was all Lucas ever spoke to me. Promises of hope. That everything was okay, or at least was going to be alright some time. He was the only person I ever believed when he uttered that kind of assurance. Even in his dark moments, Lucas truly had confidence that life would work itself out.
God, I'm such a girl. Surprisingly to myself, I hadn't cried over what had happened that day at school. It would only figure that now the tears would show up.
You love me.
I couldn't believe he jokingly just blurted that out like that. Is this the way its going to be now, a big joke?
That is so not fair. I lightly smiled.
You probably just want to kiss me again. Did he want me to kiss him again?
Dude, shut up! I thought I was going to die, and you took care of me so… and you know we…
Yeah, I know.
Once upon a time Lucas and I were on the cusp of being a we. Ever since the summer, when we were spending every free moment together, I found myself replaying everything that went wrong between us. Things I should have said, but didn't. Not only to him, but to Brooke as well. If I had only been honest with her from the get go about my feelings for Lucas it wouldn't have been as messy. That's just the way it is with us though. Apparently Lucas and I were just one big mess.
He gave me that solemn, understanding smile again.
If I told you I loved you would you hold it against me? Back to the joking.
Luke, when I said that… I didn't know if I should truly confess now or just lie. It would be easier to lie.
Because I do, Peyton. He proclaimed before I could make up my mind.
I looked up at him, the boy I thought of every night before I went to sleep. The only boy I've ever truly been in love with. And he looked right back at me. I could tell these words were not pretend. He loved me. He loved me back. Thoughts were rushing through my head faster than I could process them. Had he loved me all along? Has he just been hiding with Brooke like he was before?
Luke, what about Brooke? I spent the better half of my summer vacation wishing that Brooke would meet someone, and decide not to be with Lucas. Even though I knew he wanted to be with her. It was selfish, but I just couldn't help it.
Before I came in here, I told her I needed to be on my own for a while.
This was hard to follow. If he needed to be alone, then why would he tell me he loved me?
I totally understand. I mean you've been through so much.
He nodded in agreement. Peyton, the truth is, in these past few days the only time I've been able to smile was when I've thought of you. You know, when you told me you loved me I genuinely thought it was because you thought you were going to die. But I've had some time to think. And I've thought a lot about this past year. There's just no way you didn't truthfully mean what you said to me. We've been through so much together.
You're right. I did mean it. But that doesn't change anything.
Here he was, nearly giving me everything that I've wanted and yet I pushed him away. Sometimes I didn't understand myself or the things I did.
It changes everything. Lucas moved his chair closer to mine, and took my hands.
Keith dying has made me realize once again, that life is short, Peyton. Don't tell me that its too short to live as a bad person. Because we are not bad people! I can't understand why your loyalty to Brooke means you and I aren't allowed to be happy.
Aren't you happy with Brooke? It was only a couple months before that I had to convince him to forgive her for sleeping with Christ Keller. He was emotionally obliterated by seeing them together. Certainly his feelings for Brooke weren't fabricated.
Some days. He chuckled. Mostly, Peyton our relationship consists of constant arguments about you. About my feelings for you.
This was news to me. I was aware of Brooke's insecurity. I was not however aware that she talked about it openly with Lucas. The Brooke I knew would never admit such things to a boy. Especially not a boy she was in love with.
She knows? I couldn't understand why she would stay with someone who she knew for a fact had feelings for someone else.
Yes, and no. I've always denied it whenever she's brought it up.
I turned my head away from him. It was as though I could feel the shame his love for me carried. I didn't want to feel that. Love was not supposed to be shameful. Life couldn't be that tragic, could it?
I love Brooke, Peyton. I really do. But its different. For every day I feel a connection with her, I can recall a score of days I felt that for you. We get each other.
We're the same way. I finished for him, slowly bringing my hand to cup his broken face.
Now the tears were rolled down my face. The dampness on my cheeks swept away by Lucas' thumb, which then swept across my lips.
We're okay right? You and me?
Come here. He whispered, leaning in to touch his lips to my own.
A few days ago I felt more alone than I ever had in my entire existence. A few days ago the boy I loved, loved another. Now I know the truth. The boy I loved loves me back. No matter how complicated or messy things were about to become in my life, back to my point in the tired love triangle, I was going to fight for Lucas. When I die, I want to know that I loved someone as much as I possibly could. That is something I learned, and would like to say thank you to the shattered young man who put a bullet in my leg. In every tragedy there is a shed of light, even if its just the fading light of a half-crescent moon.