** Thanks to Joe P. and Sam S. for contributing to the madness, and for adding ideas I never could have thought of on my own. Begin the KarpFest.**
A teenage boy named Tom sat on the front porch of his old yellow house, staring into space and waiting for something, anything, to happen. Cauliflower Town was always so quiet and uneventful; he hated living there. Today was supposed to be the first day of his wonderful Pokemon adventure, but everything had gone wrong. He glanced up into the tree across the street and glowered at the Metapod staring down at him. What was it staring at, anyway? He grabbed a rock and threw it at the ugly green bug. It ricocheted off the cocoon Pokemon and broke the window in his rival's bedroom. Tom cursed and stomped moodily into the forest.
"Not enough starters," he muttered, walking toward the moss-covered boulder near a tiny stream. He had gone there almost every day since he'd moved to Cauliflower Town with his parents three years before. As he moved closer to the water, a horrible rasping noise filled the air. He peeked around a tree and, upon seeing nothing, stepped forward into the clearing. Something hard and slimy flew up into the air and hit him in the back.
"Karp... karp... k-arp!" exclaimed the breathless Magikarp flopping inches from his face. "Karp! Karp!" It soared up again and landed right on top of Tom's head.
"Get off!" He grabbed the dirt encrusted fish and tossed it back into the river. It twisted and twirled on its way to the water. He sat up and leaned against a tree, then gazed across the river and into the sky... Until something heavy and wet fell into his lap.
"Karp karp karp, Magikarp karp karp," the Pokemon gasped, flopping aimlessly and splattering the boy with water. It saw his backpack on the ground beside him and burrowed inside.
"What the fuck?" he yelled, yanking the fish out by its tail fin and flinging it into the water one last time. He got to his feet and ran back home, hoping the horrid Magikarp wouldn't jump after him.
The next morning, Tom woke up and hurried to Professor Maple's lab down the street. He had told Tom that he would have more starter Pokemon shipped overnight from his lab in [insert color here] Town. Tom strode into the lab and waited in the lobby for the professor to arrive.
"Good morning, Mr. Ato," a voice called a few minutes later. "Come on into my office."
"Are the Pokemon here yet?" Professor Maple sighed and opened a cardboard box next to his desk.
"I wish you weren't so impatient, Tom. I understand you're excited, but please remain calm. Your mother told me that the pharmacy ran out of the pills you need, and I'm sorry, but everything's going to be fine. The Pokemon haven't arrived yet, but I can give you your five PokeBalls now, since you're so anxious. You should go wait outside until the delivery truck pulls in." Tom nodded solemnly and took the PokeBalls from the professor. He wandered outside and around the outskirts of the woods, examining one of the PokeBalls. It was red and white and shiny and...
"KARP, KARP, KARP!" The stalker Magikarp had reappeared on the riverbank; it jumped and flipped through the air and... knocked the PokeBall out of Tom's hands. It hit the ground and, in a stream of light, it was gone. One... two... three... Magikarp was caught!
"NOOOOOOO!" Tom screamed, falling to his knees and wailing at the motionless PokeBall. "Go a-way! I don't want you, Magikarp!" He grabbed the ball and hurled it as far away as he could. It opened and flew back to him as the orange menace re-emerged. Tom sprinted back to the lab, hoping to leave the flopping terror behind.
"Tom, what's going on?" Professor Maple asked, searching the area for an attacking Pokemon. "What are you screaming about?" Tom bent over and tried to catch his breath.
"K... k... kar..." Then he could hear it, slowly coming to get him. Flop-gasp-flop-flop-splash.
"KARP! K-ARP! Magi-Magi-KARP!" It landed pathetically at Tom's feet.
"Help me, Professor! It hit the PokeBall and..."
"I'm terribly sorry, Tom. But it seems you've... found your starter Pokemon."
"No, please, Professor! I... I can't DO anything with a Magikarp!"
"You caught it, you care for it. You're this Pokemon's trainer now. And since you have a Pokemon now, why would you need two?" The Professor held the door open for Tom and the Magikarp jumped into his arms.
"Karp," it said, content at last. The lab assistants cackled as Tom walked by carrying the dripping, loud, bony fish. It greeted each person as they passed.
"I feel sorry for you, Tom, I really do. I'll give you... ten more PokeBalls to help you with your misfortune."
"How's that going to help? I can't battle with this..."
"Karp."
"Oh, shut up, Magikarp!"
"Maybe you'll get lucky again."
"You call THIS lucky?" The professor removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
"Take one of those PokeDexes over there on that table. Good luck on your journey. I'm sure everything will work out fine."
"Yeah, whatever. When this piece of shit evolves, I'm going to make it eat you." He marched outside and stuffed the Magikarp into his backpack, hoping other trainers would take pity on him and refuse to challenge him.
Before setting off on his Pokemon journey, Tom Ato rested at home. During dinner, he held his head in his hands and wished that somehow he could go back in time and never meet that stupid Magikarp to begin with. His mom set dinner in front of his face and she sighed.
"What's the matter, honey? You've been quiet all day. I thought you'd be happy to finally go on your journey to become a Pokemon Master!" He lifted his head to look at her.
"I was," he said, "but now I wish I never got this stupid Pokemon!" He motioned to the Magikarp splashing sideways in the kitchen sink. Tom's mother lifted her pan and smacked him in the face.
"TOM ATO!" she huffed. "I thought I taught you better than that! He's done nothing to you!"
"Except ruin my dreams," Tom sighed.
"TOM!"
"You know..." He looked away from her. "I'm not hungry." He stood up and sulked to his room. A few minutes later, his mom appeared in the doorway with the PokeBall; Magikarp was back in its new home.
"Here," she said. "I have to clean the sink. Let him be with you."
"Thanks," he replied.
"Don't forget: he's your Pokemon now. It's your duty as a trainer to always CARE for your Pokemon." Tom's mother went back downstairs and he sighed.
"Maybe," he whispered," I can catch another Pokemon as easily as I caught Magikarp." He rolled onto his side and smiled. A new day was dawning (in a few hours, anyway). He fell asleep, dreaming of what new adventures awaited him.
That night, Tom awoke with a start; his legs felt cold and his bed was wet. He blinked, trying to drive himself out of confusion. In his ear he heard a dark rasp, and cold breath was flowing down his neck.
"KARP!" Tom smashed his face on the floor.
The next morning, Tom awoke on the floor with Magikarp flopping next to him
"Return, damn it!" he said bitterly. He quickly dressed and ran downstairs to the kitchen where his mother was cooking eggs.
"Morning," she called sweetly.
"Hey," he replied.
"You know, I think you should leave and take on the world, just you and your Pokemon."
"Yeah right, Mom. Me and this piece of shit against the Elite Four," Tom answered, rolling his eyes.
"Well, you should at least try," she pleaded, scraping all of the scrambled eggs onto a single plate, as if saying that she didn't want him to stay any longer.
"FINE!" Tom stormed back up the stairs and packed his clothes, then grabbed Magikarp and started walking out the door.
"Wait, here's ¥1,000 to get you started."
"Thanks, Mom." He stepped out the door to begin the journey that would lead him ultimately nowhere because the last gym and Victory Road were both in the next town. He didn't even make it out of Cauliflower Town before his rival, Jack Offer, walked up to him with a stupid smile plastered on his face. "What the fuck do you want?"
"I heard you got a Pokemon yesterday. Well, I got one, too. Wanna battle?" He reached for his PokeBall.
"I hear you like Mudkips," Tom taunted, watching as the PokeBall opened to reveal a strong-looking Mudkip. Tom groaned as Magikarp forced its PokeBall open and flopped to the ground.
"Karp, karp! Magi-karp!" Before Tom could grab Magikarp and run, Jack called for Mudkip to use Bubble. The attack missed because Magikarp used Splash and flew up onto Tom's head. He threw the fish back into the battle.
"Magikarp, use Hyperbeam!" Tom yelled, but Magikarp didn't know Hyperbeam and continued splashing in the dirt.
"Mudkip, Water Gun!" The stream of water sent Magikarp spiraling into a tree.
"KARP!"
"Your Magikarp is unable to battle anymore, so I win!" Jack called as his returned the Mudkip to its PokeBall. "See you when you improve, if you can!" He began walking into the forest and toward the world that awaited him.
"You... you IDIOT!" Tom screamed, pointing at the unconscious fish. "I hate you Magikarp! I only have ¥500 left! I can't buy ANYTHING with that!" He returned the Pokemon to its ball and started walking toward Emerald Mold City again. He immediately found the Pokemon Center and healed Magikarp, although he had spent the entire trip debating whether he should or not. Then, upon leaving the building...
"KARP!" The Pokemon broke free of its PokeBall and flopped around in Tom's backpack, soaking all of his clothes and guidebooks.
"Why, Magikarp? Why do you have to ruin everything?"
"Karp? Karp-karp-Magikarp." Tom groaned and continued through the town to Route 572. From far way he could see a sign; maybe it was a Trainer Tip that could help him find a way to keep the stupid fish in its PokeBall. But no. The road was closed. No route, no Pokemon; no Pokemon, no battles; no battles, no victory, no money. Tom howled in anger and tossed the stress ball he'd brought past the caution sign. At least, he thought it was his stress ball... The PokeBall hit a tree and hit something in the tall grass. With a flash of light, the ball disappeared. Tom waited, ecstatic that the reign of Magikarp was about to end. He counted to ten before walking into the grass to retrieve the ball.
'Bye-bye, Magikarp!' Tom thought, throwing the PokeBall to see his new Pokemon. It opened and, in less than three seconds, Tom's hope evaporated. Sitting on a boulder on the other side of the clearing was an Abra.
"Karp? Magi-Magikarp." The Abra did not respond, but continued its nap instead. Tom scowled and clenched his fists as a vein popped out of his forehead.
"Can't I catch any decent Pokemon?" he yelled. The Abra woke up and teleported to the far side of the road. "Wait, come back! Don't run away!" It fled again, this time into the tall grass. Tom crept toward its hiding place before returning it to its PokeBall.
"Magikarp," the orange Pokemon remarked, flopping lazily in the backpack.
"Well, at least you aren't a coward," Tom sighed, attaching the PokeBall to his weird magnetic belt. "But it might be because you have no way to run..."
"Karp."
"I guess we're going on Route 312, then. Let's go." Tom walked back through Emerald Mold City to the open route on the other side. He came to the Crimson Fjord River and took off his backpack, then dumped Magikarp into the water. Tom watched in disbelief as the fish sank. "But you're a water Pokemon! You have gills! SWIM!"
"Karp, karp, kwarp, warp, arp..." Bubbles started rising to the surface, and Tom reached into the river to retrieve Magikarp. "Magi-karp." The fish sighed and relaxed on the river bank. Tom growled and stuffed the fish back into his backpack, which he balanced on top of his head.
"You're useless Magikarp."
"Karp."
"How are you ever going to win any battles if you can't attack? You can't even swim! And if you don't win, you'll never evolve!" The Pokemon stayed silent and motionless in the bag, resting precariously over the water in the bag. "Do you want to be called useless forever? Do you want to always lose?" Magikarp still didn't speak, but simply waited for its master's harangue to end. After all, there was nothing it could do to make things better; it was just a Magikarp.