There were only a few ways to look at the past few weeks and Kahlan had looked at them from all the points of view that she could muster.
It wasn't enough that for more than a week she had been two people or, as Zedd insisted, she had been no one. Her own person wasn't there, just two magical conceptions that looked very much like her. Not the true her, however. Two polarizing selves, both of her but neither of which were her, and therefore events that happened to her 'selves' did not actually happen to 'her'.
Zedd tried to explain the detailed intricacies of the magic, but the more he did, the more it went round and round in circles. She listened as patiently as she could, and by the end still she had only the vaguest idea of what had happened to her.
On the other hand, she was able to listen to Zedd's talk of the magical analysis without much underlining emotion other than utter confusion. Once she asked Richard what had happened, in as little a technical manner as he could provide, she found that it harder to simply let the words wash over when the understanding of exactly what she had done hit her. What was obvious to everyone was just being known to her, and there was no minting the words or watering them down. Both 'selves' pregnant! And apparently by one of her selves' own words, "multiple times" with the prince. Even though the magic removed the blame from both her and Richard and Prince Feirin, just the idea was enough to be embarrassed about.
Good lord! She thought. I don't know what's worse, that both of my selves decided to do it or that they both decided that in less than a week!
During the initial discussion, Richard had given her a look that told her he wasn't finished entirely with his side of the story. For her own sake, she was glad he ended talking when he did, or to put it more accurately, she was glad he skimmed over a part or two. It couldn't have been more strange then to hear of her own 'selves' sudden needs to satisfy themselves then it would have been to remember them both.
The parts of the story that were omitted only became clear later when she and Richard were alone and it was assured, with thick walls and a large heavy door, that only their ears would hear what he said. In his defense, Richard himself was flustered once he knew she didn't remember, or couldn't remember, and gave her only the bare essentials of what they did. Still, it was a moment she wasn't going to forget any time soon. It was clear that she had had an impact--no, not her, one of her selves--and that her sexual powers, untested in that area before now, had made his eyes light up in a way she hadn't seen before.
In the same way she felt embarrassed earlier, she also felt a hint of excitement. After all, there was no denying his memories.
There was, however, a bit more than denying Prince Fyren of his memories. It wasn't something that Kahlan approved of, but then again, she didn't exactly disprove either.
"Zedd," She corned him just afterwards. "Zedd, what did you do?"
He gave a smile and patted her on the shoulder. "I figured that the poor Prince doesn't need the taunting."
"Zedd, I think that there's been more than enough magic for one week," She said, though her voice wavered a bit. "What happened,… happened, in some form or another,"
"Child, I know that, more than anyone."
"So then why?" It wasn't that she was complaining, but even the Prince needed someone to stand up for him. But Kahlan only told herself that. A part, larger than she would care to admit, was more worried for something closer to the heart. 'Are you going to take Richard's memories of me away too?' She thought.
"The fact that neither woman should have ever existed outside of the person standing in front of me today." Zedd lead her into the hallway, away from the others. "The fact that you're standing here, defending the man who took your throne, says more about the whole woman you are than anything else that's happened this last week."
Kahlan still did not feel assured.
"Kahlan, I know the reason the Confessor part took a mate so quickly. The logical being that she was made the logical reasoning that she was of a dying race. The only way to rectify that was to mate with someone who met the qualifications as quickly as possible and to sire a child. For her, the decision had no emotional attachments at all. It was only logical."
It should, Kahlan thought. It does.
She looked up into Zedd's eyes and saw a hint of sadness behind them. "And that's why I took the Prince's memory of that…night away."
She didn't understand. "Because she made a logical decision?"
"Because bringing a child into this world cannot be a logical decision. It takes more love and compassion then you will ever know…until you have one yourself."
"So Prince Fyren--"
"The Prince was Confessed, so everything he did was based off the Confessor's logic, which was, as I said, flawed to the greatest degree. And when neither parent has a single emotional bone within them, there can be no love," Returning to his normal cheeky self, Zedd gave her a wink, "Also, I just didn't think he should remember anything besides being terrified at seeing you return. Some prince. Prince of Rats Fyren,"
Though Kahlan didn't say it, Zedd saw the silent question hanging in her eyes. And what about Richard's memories?
"And as for Richard…"He gave out a long sigh, "I'm just too tired to do any more magic today." It was a lie. In all technicality, he should have taken Richard's memories away as well. A part of Kahlan wanted that, but another part of her said, let it be. It's over now.
And here was where Kahlan found herself at one of two viewpoints.
Either, she could view her love life as bad, even for a Confessor. There was enough supporting evidence for that. It wasn't enough to be possessed by a spirit, have the Seeker Confessed, and or even be split into two parts of herself. No, what made it more frustrating was half of the events that put her in such situations left her without memory or, even worse, with the memory but desperately wanting to forget what happened.
It wasn't so much that Kahlan was shamed that her body had been used and seen, but that she felt both left out and not in control. Even when he was Confessed, Richard still had the memory of rolling around in the leaves before she came to her senses and stopped it. Unlike her, he didn't have to deal with the self resentment and loneliness that came after. And now, again, Richard had the memory of a night with her. He didn't know what it was like to hear about one's own love secondhand.
She supposed that was what annoyed her the most. That all the times her body had been intimate, she was never actually present in both body and mind. All she truly had were small moments of kisses and embraces, and these only came at times of a near brush with death or long departure.
Or, Kahlan thought, she could view her love life with humor.
There simply was no way to look at her without laughing at the irony. Even as a Confessor, even after all that she'd been warned against, she still brazenly wanted it all with the man she loved. Not a mate, no, she wanted that night of love and hopefully passion to be with Richard. HA! If only the ancient Confessors could see her now! Their jaws would surly hit the floor.
It had to be humorous. How else could all this have happened to her, all the times she and Richard had gotten so close, only for it to never actually turn out the way she wanted? And what other way was there for her to deal with the fact that she was apparently good at love-making, without ever having tried it? Thought about it, yes, fantasized, sure, but no practice. Yet the way Richard smiled at her…well now. That was something.
Kahlan took the latter approach, if only because the former was way too depressing.
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTS characters.
Author's note: Sickness has robbed my mind from me and taken my nose hostage, which is why this is so late. Flu season is truly the worst.
I like this chapter, if only because I spent paragraphs just going from one idea to the next. Not much of a story at all, I know, but I did like the idea of Zedd just erasing Prince Fyren's memories. I think that's something he'd do. why not?