Fighting Fire with Fire
Okay, so you may or may not know that I hate cross-overs, but the fact is that this was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. I had to do it, even if it meant sacrificing my own morals. I got this idea when my friend showed me a fanfiction of a similar situation between Edward Cullen and Edward Elric. I was inspired. So, here you are, another beautifully cracked out look into my brain! Enter if you dare.
I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Avatar: The Last Air Bender, Assassin's Creed, Portal, Minecraft, World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy, or anything else that I mention in passing anywhere in this fanfiction.
It was a beautiful, sunshiney day, the kind where the only clouds in sight were the big, fluffy white ones that were all pretty and the sun was cheerful, beaming down all warm and comforting-like, but it wasn't too hot out. There was a pleasant breeze and the birds chirped, giving an ambiance of peace and beauty. That's of course why we find Kelly inside, glued to her computer screen. She's writing fanfictions of course, what else would she do with her time? Actual work or exercise or even doing something beneficial to the community would be an awfully large amount of effort, so she sat in the dark, blue eyes fixated on the luminescent square of the monitor.
"THAT'S IT!" she exclaimed, sitting up straighter. She had terrible posture. "I shall now announce out loud the conclusion I have come to! Because I am the writer of the fanfiction, that means I have all the power! In a sense, I can practically become God!" Kelly usually had outbursts of this nature, where she proclaimed her omnipotence after voicing her thoughts aloud. It was all quite normal. "So, what should I do? I SHOULD SUMMON HOT GUYS!"
So, with a fangirl clap and a sprinkle of imagination magic stuff, there was a loud sounding of an invisible gong and two hotties appeared in a swirl of smoke and flames. Hottie #1 is a tall, sexy redhead wearing a black cloak. He has venom-green eyes, inverted teardrop tattoos, ridiculously spiky hair and an evil grin that makes fangirls melt...it's Axel! Got it memorized? Hottie #2 is a pale emo with shaggy black hair that fell carelessly around his face and into his honeysuckle eyes. You know how chicks dig scars? Well he's got a sweet one that covers his left eye, and another one that looks like a starburst on his chest...it's Prince Zuko! Oh, sorry, Fire Lord Zuko.
"...where am I?" That was Zuko; trust him to be the suspicious one. Tch, Fire Nation...
"You were summoned here by me!" Kelly giggled and hopped up from her perch on the broken computer chair that she should really get around to fixing. Using her newfound god powers, she waved her arm and suddenly they were no longer in her bedroom, but in a TV studio, complete with the crowd of screaming, kyaaa-ing, foaming-at-the-mouth fangirls. Kelly was given her own microphone and a pretty sweet couch to lay on, you know the kind that you think of ancient-timey royal types lying on while someone fed them grapes. Axel and Zuko were each given one of those unnecessarily large armchairs to sit on, like the ones you see on Oprah or whatever the hell show that was. Kelly wouldn't be able to tell you because quite frankly she didn't watch TV, why should she when she could get the anime she wanted from the internet with far fewer commercial breaks? Who cares, Kelly then addressed the audience of fangirls at the studio and the readers at home.
"Welcome one and all to my show! It doesn't have a name or purpose, but who cares because there's hot guys; look!" The author swept a hand towards her captives—I mean, guests!—and the crowd erupted in catcalls, kyaaas, giggles and squeals. A monitor appeared out of nowhere behind Zuko and Axel and showed a meter that read 'SQUEAL-O-METER' and was currently registering a 7. Kelly smiled evilly; this was so freaking sweet.
Kelly resumed her hosting duties; it was her world, after all. "So, since Axel and Zuko have so generously decided to join us, there's only one question left: who's the better fire-wielder?"
The crowd instantly erupted into screams of "AXEL!" and "ZUKO!" and the two fire masters themselves looked scared of the fans, but confident in their abilities. Axel, of course, was the first to speak on the matter.
"Well, it's obviously me. I mean come on—that kid couldn't compete with me! He's a pale little stick of a thing, and obviously can't handle dealing with fire without getting burned." The crowd instantly shut up, save for quiet gasps and one soft, "Oh, shit!"
Everyone looked to Zuko to see how he would react. His eyes were closed and his jaw was clenched shut. Then, he stood up and said, "Listen you, Alex right?" Zuko smirked as Axel's eyes narrowed. "I'm the Fire Lord, so I'm better automatically. Do you have a title? Besides, you're no one to call me skinny, and chicks dig scars." With that, he ripped his shirt off and flaunted his chest scar, and instantly the SQUEAL-O-METER registered a whopping 8.8.
"For your information, I do have a title, you little bastard," Axel growled.
"Yeah? What is it?" Zuko sneered.
"...Th...The Flurry of...Dancing Flames..."
"FAG!"
"HEY! Who's the one with the massive bromance with the Avatar, hmm? Your girlfriend looks like a man, too!"
"No she doesn't!"
"Yeah, she really does. And you didn't deny the bromance..."
"Yeah, well...at least my best friend knows my name!"
The crowd erupted in gasps, and even Kelly was rendered speechless. Zuko's outburst caused Axel to gape at him, enraged while everyone waited with baited breath to see what would happen next. Axel took a deep breath, then smiled evilly.
"At least my mom never abandoned me."
Oh shit. It just got real. Now it's personal. The crowd exploded in "ohhh!"s and whoops and chanting. Kelly's TV show has now become a cross-over between Jerry Springer and Oprah and whatever the fuck else. Kelly didn't care because this was just too damn fun. One of the more faint-hearted fangirls had already passed out at this point, so there was a team of paramedics adding to the mayhem in the studio.
"That's it you ginger fruitcake, you're going DOWN!" Zuko screamed.
"Bring it ON, angsty-McEmo-muffin!" Axel growled, grinning sexily. Two more fangirls went down, and for the record Axel wins in a name-calling contest.
Zuko roared and punched towards Axel, sending a vicious pillar of flame towards him. Axel spun his chakrams in front of himself, fanning the flames away, before sending a whip of fire to trip Zuko so he could own him completely. Zuko expertly evaded getting owned, because while the fire whip was too fast to avoid, he used his epic break-dancing abilities to not lose his balance. He began firing a relentless barrage of flames towards Axel, who dispersed them all while looking extremely bangable. Kelly realized somewhere in the middle of this fire-fight that she was awful at writing fight scenes.
"You fight like a girl! Are you afraid of getting your dress dirty?" Zuko sneered.
"Okay, first of all; it's a coat and second of all; your 'Fire Lord' robes are far more dress-like, and you can't even pull them off," Axel scoffed, then smirked. "The topknot doesn't work, either."
Zuko narrowed his eyes. "I'll have you know, all my fangirls love my skater hair!"
"Yeah, but your hair can't compete with mine!" Axel turned to the crowd of fangirls and ran a gloved hand through his vibrant spikes and the SQUEAL-O-METER registered a nine point five. The redhead grinned at his opponent. "Take that, shorty."
"Well, sooorr-rry I'm not freakishly tall and anorexic!" The teenage boy snapped.
Axel rolled his venom-green eyes. "Again with the weight thing? I told you, you're skinny."
"Yeah, but I actually get shirtless screen-time!" Zuko grinned. "All your fangirls have is their imagination."
Another ooh resounded through the crowd. However, all Axel did was smile. "That's okay, my fangirls have a great imagination! They're very vivid." The crowd erupted in cheers and applause.
Kelly, at this point, had to interject. "Guys, the point of this is not to fight, because I love you both and this is my world so everyone who doesn't love both of you can just suck it. Don't you want to tone it down just a bit?" Everyone just looked at her like she was crazy. "I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU GUYS! GO AT IT, KEEP IT UP!" She cackled evilly, then giggled and clapped as she chilled on her comfy couch-throne-thing. Axel and Zuko both looked at her, then at each other, then shrugged, then commenced with the trash-talking.
"You're just a no-name peasant who has to tell people to memorize his name in order for them to have even a clue who he is!" Zuko shouted, then smirked. "Everywhere I go, people know exactly who I am, and I'm worshipped for it. I'm a hero; you're a villain. I'm going to win in the end."
"Hah! Who was a villain in book one? Who was a villain for most of book two? Who was a villain until halfway through book three? You're not the big hero you think you are, Zuzu. You just jumped on the Avatar bandwagon," Axel scoffed.
"It's not who I was leading up to my epic acts of heroism, it's how I changed over time," Zuko said sagely.
"...You get that from a fortune cookie?" Axel asked. "Or did you steal it from your tea-drinking uncle...that you betrayed?" Once again the crowd fell silent. Three more fangirls were out of commission, and the crowd was rapidly thinning because all of them had to go find their computers and go on Twitter and Facebook to recount the epic events that were currently transpiring, and none of them were cool enough to have phones with a data plan. This was mostly due to the fact that Kelly didn't have a phone with a data plan, and this was her world.
Zuko stood with his head bowed in shame. Then, in his most tortured voice, he said, "I was confused...I was being manipulated by those who thought they could control me, and who were using my wants and emotions against me...It's all part of my angsting, tortured soul character bio..." He covered his face with one hand, looking like he was about to break down crying. The crowds' awwwwws were matched only by their squeeees, and the SQUEAL-O-METER went up to a nine-point-eight. Zuko grinned victoriously from between his fingers. "Top that, Ginger."
"My dick's bigger than yours."
SQUEAL-O-METER = 10.
Thirty-eight more fangirls went down. One of the paramedics went down, too; a fangirl in disguise. Kelly nearly had a heart attack and an orgasm and choked on air all at the same time. It was sick. In a good way. Zuko slapped the palm of his hand to his forehead.
"Okay, that was the worst, not even original. And anyway, you have no proof!" the Fire Lord spat, embarrassed and flustered.
"Do you really want to put that to the test?" Axel sneered. "I'd be more than willing to prove it to the world..."
"This is a family show!"
"No it's not..." That was Kelly and Axel in unison.
"Yes, well this is rated T and is not going to go higher than that!" Zuko huffed.
"I don't fucking know about that, boy-o," Kelly mused from her throne. "There's a whole shit load of cursing and dirty words in this goddamn fanfiction, so it might have to be bumped up anyway if people bitch about the foul language. Vagina."
"...vagina?" Zuko and Axel asked in tandem.
"What? I thought there was a lack of female in here with all these fangirls passing out." Kelly made perfect sense. "So, Axel, you were saying that your dick was bigger than Zuko's? Can I see?"
"No."
Kelly pouted, and one of the members of the audience called out, "Shut DOWN!" Kelly decided to respond by reaching into a cooler (sitting conveniently near her throne) and grabbing a snowball. This she hurled into the audience again at random, shouting, "FROSTBOLT!"(1). When someone called, aghast, "You're not a mage!", Kelly responded by grabbing a hammer from a tool box (sitting conveniently next to the cooler) and chucked it randomly into the audience and screamed, "HAMMER OF WRATH!" The audience decided then to quit while they were sort of ahead and not comment of the fact that Kelly was even less of a paladin than a mage.
Zuko chimed in. "Unoriginal and frankly disappointing jokes from a creative standpoint aside, I'm still better than Axel."
"Oh yeah? How's that, Sparky?" Axel chuckled.
"I'm a main character. Your character is a sort of ambiguous villain, while my character is central from the very first episode. You weren't in your series from the beginning, and frankly aren't even your own person. You're a Nobody," Zuko pointed out. What was left of the crowd rumbled in agreement, because they frankly couldn't say that Zuko was wrong at this point.
Axel grinned, though, and said, "Doesn't that mean that my character is innately more likeable because my fanbase rivals yours and I'm not even a main character?"
"...that doesn't even make sense," Zuko muttered.
"It totally does, though. But, moving on, I'm more awesome than you because I have an X in my name. Xs are so much cooler than Zs!" Axel was right; Xs were pretty fucking awesome.
"Okay first of all, Zs are way better than Xs, and second of all you're seriously resorting to comparing our names now?" Zuko threw his hands in the air in frustration. "This is supposed to be about who's the better fire-wielder!"
"We both know that at this point it's evolved to simply who is the better character," Axel grinned. "It's me, by the way. And Zs suck; all the people in your family with a Z in their name is a loser."
Zuko glared at the Nobody. "You don't have a heart."
Axel furrowed his brows in confusion. "So?"
"You claim that your fangirls love you, but if you have no heart how do you know? And what's more, how can you love your fangirls back?" Zuko challenged.
However, Axel was ready for him. "My girls want to jump my bones. What's love got to do with it?" Kelly spontaneously broke out dancing like a white girl and singing, "What's love got to do, got to do with it..." Zuko groaned.
"You're unbelievable!"
"Yeah, well you can't even read."
Zuko blinked. "...what?"
"Eh, I figured I'd try it." Axel shrugged.
Zuko shook his head, saying, "Whatever, pedo-man."
"Excuse me?" yelled Axel, aghast.
"Roxas is admittedly fifteen years old, maximum, correct? Xion would be the same age, and you were their best friend...Yeah right," the emo boy scoffed. "We all know you did one of the two of them, and if you're straight then my sister is sane. You're what, twenty-seven? PEDO!"
"Wait a minute, wait a minute," the redhead interjected. "What evidence do you have that there was anything of the sort between me and my best friends?"
"What evidence do the fangirls have? Pure speculation and fanfictions."
"Those are baseless and have no function as actual proof of anything!" Axel protested.
"That's where you're wrong," Kelly said from her throne. "I have to go with Zuko on this one, right girls?" The fans screamed their approval. The author nodded and said, "Sorry Ax, but the jury stands on this one, and according to all evidence you're in love with Roxas and have wild sex anywhere and everywhere because you're sex-crazed." Kelly consulted her laptop. "There is also significant evidence to the fact that one or both of you is a vampire." The author then had a dreamy look on her face. "I'd love for Axel to be a tortured-soul vampire who lusted for my blood..." The SQUEAL-O-METER was registering a six-point-nine. Kelly giggled immaturely.
The two young men exchanged a glance, and then shook their heads.
"I will never understand you girls," Axel muttered.
"Yeah, it's insane. You love the guys who are assholes, the guys with severe emotional issues, and the guys who just are completely insane and are probably serial killers. Why is that?" Zuko wondered.
Kelly however, stifled giggles behind her hand, unnerving her two captives. "You just described the two of you!" she said in a sing-song fashion.
Zuko froze. He smacked himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand, then dragged his hand down his face as he groaned at his mistake. "I hate you." Axel was just laughing his ass off in the background, and Kelly beamed at the pale emo boy.
"I love you too, Zuzu!"
"Wait, which one of us is the serial killer?" Zuko asked, slightly afraid.
"Me, obviously. Or are you the assassin for an elite evil organization hell-bent on destroying the forces of both light and darkness and striving for control of the greatest power in all the worlds?" Axel paused. "No? Didn't think so."
"About that, how come Marluxia is nicknamed the Graceful Assassin, but you're described as the 'assassin who puts his own agenda first'?" Kelly murmured. "At least, I'm pretty sure that's what it says in the opening sequence of 358/2 Days, not sure though because I haven't played it in a while...But it's definitely something along the lines of Axel is the assassin even though Marluxia is called an assassin. How many assassins do you need in one organization?"
"You need at least six for an arrow storm," Axel pointed out. The author blinked.
"Very good point, sir!" Kelly exclaimed.
"ENOUGH!" Zuko shouted. "This is getting fucking ridiculous! There's references to irrelevant video games, 80's pop culture, eating disorders, heresy and/or blasphemy, illegal activities such as murder and pedophilia, the demented fantasies of teenage girls, and bad daytime television! Why the hell am I here? Can I go home?"
Kelly looked like Zuko had just kicked her puppy. The shock and hurt evidenced in her expression was enough to make even the most stoic of people shift their weight uncomfortably from foot-to-foot. She looked like she could start crying at any moment, as though she'd just found out that Santa isn't real, or as though her favoritest fanfiction had been discontinued. You couldn't have seen a more pathetic expression if you'd canceled her email subscriptions to her favorite animes or pushed her pet wolf off of a 64-bit cliff. "You are so mean. You know that? So mean. It's horrible. Why are you horrible? I was just being nice, inviting you over and now you want to leave? You want to make fun of my attempts at parodying all those things I mentioned? Fine, you can leave; in a body bag. Axel, kill him."
"Sweet."
And Axel killed Zuko, The End.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Not really.
Because Kelly is the all-forgiving God that she is here in this world she's created, she decided to forgive little Zuzu because she was able to laugh at herself, unlike some people. Somehow, out of nowhere, they got back on topic.
"Let's get back on topic, yeah?" Kelly asked, chilling once more on her chaise longue, which is what she figured out her comfy couch-throne-thing was actually called after she Googled it. "We still have to decide which one of you is better overall, although I do love the both of you dearly, and consider each of you to be the best characters in your respective universes... Except Riku. Sorry, Axel, but I don't think you can beat Riku, but it's very, very close, I assure you."
"You girls and your emo boys," Axel sighed. Then, he sat in one of the chairs, leaned back and stretched his legs out in front of himself and folded his hands behind his head, the very picture of confidence. "I'm better because, you know, I'm winning." The crowd groaned at the failure.
"DAMN YOU, CHARLIE SHEEN!" shrieked one of the audience members. Zuko facepalmed again.
"I submit that Axel loses points because of his previous statement," the Fire Lord called.
"Seconded!" That was the person who damned the infamous comedian.
Kelly sighed, "Agreed."
Axel frowned. "There's points now?" he asked, chuckling. "When did this actually turn into a competition?"
"The minute I said that thing about how my best friend knows my name, I think," Zuko said, shrugging.
"YOU HAVE FRIENDS?"
"Thank you, Axel," Zuko drawled.
"You know," Kelly mused, "at first I thought that you two trash-talking was going to be amusing enough. Now I'm not so sure...all this not-dying is getting boring." The author sighed and rested her chin on a fist.
The doorbell rang.
"Who could that be?" pondered Zuko.
"Why is there a doorbell in a TV studio?" asked Axel.
"Why are you pretending like any of this is supposed to make sense?" Kelly inquired, dismissively. She strode over to the random door that probably wasn't there five minutes ago. "Who is it?" she called, and then right as she got to the door, she heard it.
"Ssssss..."
"FUCK!"
BANG.
Kelly fell over as a large, blocky chunk of the floor and wall was destroyed by the Creeper, and then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a porkchop and started gnawing on it.
"Pezzo di merda figlio di puttana(2)!" she yelled as she got up and went back to her seat, waving an arm to fix the walls so they didn't have a zombie invasion crisis on their hands. As she lounged on her seat, she was just sort of omnomnom-ing on the porkchop.
"Since when do you speak Italian?" Zuko asked.
"I don't speak Italian. Ezio does," Kelly said around the pork in her mouth. She's laughing stupidly as she's typing that bit, by the way; she's just that mature. I wish I was kidding about myself. "What good are cut scenes if I don't learn to curse in another language while I'm at it?"
"A good point. What good are cut scenes, Axel?" Zuko asked. "I like Ezio by the way. He's got a cool name."
"I'd like to point out that very few of the cut scenes that I'm in actually don't usually involve long, boring, cliché rants," Axel said, attempting to salvage some of his points.
"But come on, some of those cut scenes are completely gag-worthy," Zuko scoffed.
"Well, what is your show besides a very long and involved cut scene?" Axel countered. "What's the good of watching people fight other people when you can do it yourself?"
"Of course, which is exactly why more people watch my show than play your game," Zuko smirked.
"Which is pathetic, by the way...What kind of Fire Lord can a little bitch who can even beat his baby sister be?" Axel asked derisively.
"I could totally have beaten her if she hadn't fought dirty!" Zuko shrieked.
"Pfft, sure you could've," Axel grinned contemptuously.
"Fuck you!" Zuko snapped, irritated. His eyes narrowed as he said scathingly, "At least I survive my entire series."
Everyone just froze. Completely. It was not ok. Holy shit. What's going on? Who am I?
"What did you say!" Axel screamed, enraged.
"I SAID AT LEAST I'M STILL ALIVE!" Zuko yelled back.
At this, of course, Kelly launched into song once again. "This was a truimph. I'm making a note here; HUGE SUCCESS. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction. Aperture Science: we do what we must because we can. For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead. But there's no sense crying over every mistake, you just keep of trying 'till you run out of cake—"
"THE CAKE IS A LIE!" Axel shouted. "AND HOW DARE YOU BRING THAT UP! MY DEATH WAS A TRAGIC AND VERY MOVING EVENT!"
Kelly nodded in agreement. "I cried when it happened."
"That's because you're a psycho fangirl," Zuko scoffed. "And don't get mad at me because you just lost, Axel, take it like a man."
"You know what, little shit, fuck off. At least I still have my honor." With that, Axel left in a swirl of flames and the fangirls squealed themselves to death and Zuko just walked off, shaking his head, leaving Kelly with a room full of dead fangirls, including you, the reader.
"Oh well, bored now. Time to play Dissidia..." Kelly mumbled, walking off into the sunset as she left the mess for someone else to clean up.
The End.
For real this time.
Who won? I say Axel, but what do I know? I just created the universe and wrote the damn thing. There you have it. Leave a review saying who won and if you want me to write another, but know that this took like more than 10 months to write because I kept getting distracted.
(1)My brother's friend actually did this. I died.
(2)This means "piece of shit son of a whore/bitch" and was in a cut scene in Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood.