My argument: Zombies vs. Unicorns
At the moment, I have just finished the short-story "A Thousand Flowers" by Margo Lanagan, which is about half-way through the book. As it stands, I am about to give the highest compliment I can to an author: I have not been able to pick this book up for about thirty minutes, now, due to my confused almost-disgust at the thing. Truth be told, I am still a die-hard Unicorn fan (argument made below,) but that one threw me for a loop. Like, a bigger one than the zombie tale before it, (which made me want to stop and savor the exquisite aftertaste, but only for about five minutes) even though I really knew what was going to happen the whole time. So, I have been mulling over my fixation and the reasons behind it for the past half-hour, and have come to the following conclusion:
1. I have always wanted a pony. Man-eating ponies are my favorite (thus my strange obsession with kelpies,) but the fact that a unicorn is a hit-or-miss thing is totally awesome. You know what a zombie wants with you: it just comes right out and says it: "Brains." However, unicorns, it can be argued, don't speak, and are more ambiguous in their desires. Thus, they are more mysterious (and I want a pony,) so they are thusly surperior so far.
2. Humans are boring. That's right, I said it, they are. This is why I get so twisted in knots all the time with normal fiction. Normal fiction being anything without the supernatural. I usually won't read anything like that, and a vastly-seperior argument must be made before I'll consent. Even if it's in the background, I must have some magic and/or mystery in there. (Don't be mistaken: I have been fair in my reading of the anthology, and am giving everyone a chance, for once.) Anyway, so the extended metaphor for humanity as represented by zombies doesn't really appeal to me. I would argue that where zombies represent humanity's social decay and raising of standanrds (requiring more and more brains, if you'll pardon the pun,) as well as the evils of technology and innovation (going along with the rumor that a break-out started with a disease that came into existance due to innovations in biological warfare,) the unicorn represents the human fixation on inhuman beauty, of something divine that cannot be the shape of a man, because to be perfect would be to be inhuman. Thus, it has become a figure both separate from and connected to humanity, in the protection of nobles, the hunted by humans, and so on. Perhaps I'm being dreamy, but I think that would be a valid argument, and perfection is, automatically, better than humans, whom I spend every day with, and whom fascinate me less than a magical pony.
3. Unicorns have one thing that a zombie can make no claim to, and that would be: a song in a motion picture. That's right, "The Unicorn Song" on the soundtrack of "Despicable Me" makes me love unicorns even more, especially since it's just SO CUTE! Sorry. That was a bad argument on my part, but still…. Unicorns. I love them….
4. I am a vain person. Unicorns are pretty, even when they're a hodgepodge of animals all mixed into one. Therefore, even though zombies are, indeed, only one creature, I think Unicorns beat them there.
5. Unicorns are easier to feed. While zombies are eternally hungry for human brains, or even just human flesh, unicorns never seem to eat, except for the occasional virgin, and even then, that's questionable. Therefore, Unicorns win.
There. I have made my crazy argument, and we've all wasted just a little bit too much time on this fantastically intense argument. Nevertheless, unicorns are, and always will be, my favorite.
TEAM UNICORN FOR THE WIN!
(We'll see if this stays up once I finish the book, or if I post a counter-claim to follow it…)