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Warning/s: No Beta-reader. Typos. Grammars. Non-Pro. M***G! Self-edit only. What else? Oh, OOC and SD is NOT mine. ^_^
"Code Blue" is generally used to indicate a patient requiring resuscitation or in need of immediate medical attention, most often as the result of a respiratory arrest or cardiac arrest. When called overhead, the page takes the form of "Code Blue, the floor, then room" to alert the resuscitation team where to respond. Every hospital, as a part of its disaster plans, sets a policy to determine which units provide personnel for code coverage. Frequently these teams are staffed by physicians, respiratory therapists, pharmacists, and nurses. This phrase was coined in this tertiary level hospital which I have worked for the past nine years. Nine freaking years. The term "code" by itself is commonly used by us, me, medical professionals as a slang term for this type of emergency, as in "calling a code" or describing a patient in arrest as "coding". Pathetic to some—but it's the goddamn protocol. The use of codes is intended to convey essential information quickly and with minimal misunderstanding to staff, while preventing stress and panic among visitors to the hospital.
So, what the hell am I sulking about these thoughts? Not much really, its just that I've had seven "Code Blues" for the past twenty-four hours in my shift. And to a 'normal' individual, while it might seem a feat to achieve, it is not for me. It is probably nothing as compare to my other co-physicians who has been on their 36th or 48th hours of duty and with almost ten or even fifteen code blues happening simultaneously. I clacked my tongue a bit wistfully, no, I'm not bitter about it. In fact, I am very much thankful—because for most people us here, who lives and thrives in this white-walled building called as the hospital, me on a 24-hour shift, with no sleep, no proper break time or meal, no bath or changing of white coat and clothes underneath, and with seven code-blues almost simultaneously, is considered to be as benign or, non-malignant. In layman terms, the day is nothing but a 'walk-in-the-park'.
I sipped onto probably my fifth can of coffee as I walked with my eyes a bit blank but very much knowing and familiar with my surroundings as I let my feet dragged me back to where I'm supposed to be. To a normal individual, one can regard me as probably 'sleep walking', but I aint of course. I know what's happening around me as my eyes carefully darted from here to there as a pool of nameless faces come forth at me within the wide aisle of this wing. I felt a small pain throb at my temple and I could only ignore it. Heck, I should ignore it. A hospital is no place to be sick… for me that is.
"Doctor!"
I automatically stopped to turn to my left slowly and saw a nurse from the medicine department approach me, a smile on her face. Just one look and I knew, that she probably has been on duty since yesterday, what with her disheveled hair and her crumpled uniform, still she manages to give her lips and cheeks colour and probably, no, not probably—most likely as well that she hasn't eaten this morning yet. A normal individual could say that it's the worst. But for us and her working here, its not. It is our version of the word normal. When you look like crap because you have been running around from patient to patient and to every goddamn room who calls on you as if they've lost their feet but haven't really, that is normal.
I gave her my usual smile. "Let me guess, you're on your third shift already?" I managed a small grin. I saw here flushed a bit as I could only stare right back at her with my very own blue eyes. She chuckled and nodded. "H-hai! You're a good guesser, Doctor!" She cheered up. A pause. "Saa, I just want to thank you for helping us a while back on the floor. We were short staffed and two of my colleagues are just newly graduates." She sighed and still smiled, relieved that one of her patient who just went on an arrest was finally lifted up from the brink of death and is now stable. I nodded. Help? Not really, in this field, we don't really often regard our actions as helping, it is more of service. We don't really 'give' help, we, the healthcare workers 'offers' our full-time service to those who are in need of it. And to give real service, you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity. I guess, it is often true when they say that your customers doesn't really care how much you know, until they know how much you actually… care. She smiled one more time before tucking both of her hands inside her pocket. "Saa, I must be going now doctor, I guess, I'll see you around?" I nodded and shrugged. Of course, we'll be seeing around, I ordered a lot of blood tests for that certain patient. I smiled cheerily. "Sure, no problem. And oh, I'll be needing those cardiac profile. You think the lab can deliver in less than an hour?"
She nodded her head affirmatively and smiled back. "Definitely. They know its on STAT mode." I nodded back and waved off our goodbyes. I went back to walking as I drank from my can of coffee only to realize that it was already empty. I clacked my tongue and toss it on the nearest bin, it went out. I felt my eyes widened a bit as the corner of my lips curved up into a smile. Ah, such nostalgia. I scratched my nape and picked up the can instead and dumped it inside. The point is, I used to be an athlete back in those years. Yep. I'm pretty much into sports—basketball to be exact. And funny because, I don't seem to miss a shot back then, but today is different though…
The purpose of this place is to improve the healthcare and living conditions of the people. And that resolve as well, is mine. When I was young, I never liked the hospital. I can even remember the time when I was five years of age and is in very much dire need of a booster shot. I would ran around and wailed and cried and screamed, making the doctor ran after me with a syringe on her hand. I wouldn't want her to catch me, in short I would always make life uneasy for her, if that alone can save me from the shot. My parents would held me tight, would try to hush me and coax me that it'll all be over and that afterwards we would all be going to my favourite fast food to eat—it has always been like that, well, for another two-three more years or so. Even the smell of the place somewhat brings sickness in the pits of my stomach as the stench of alcohol, medicine, and newly polished floors and walls with the highest concentration of antimicrobials would stick inside my nose and make me feel nauseous. In short, I was the never that kind of kid who would want to be inside the white-walled building full of sick people; old, young, the senile and even the notorious ones that at one point in my life, I think, deserved their conditions. Hah, I know I'm mean.
I have always believed that I was born to be an athlete. I played for my team as if I am the only one who is capable of bringing them to victory—and boy, was I one of the best. Well, at least a few people would tell me so. And I believed them. Of course I don't let it get into my head, I would play as to what they expect of me and after all those glorious years in high school and even in college, I knew, right then and there that this is probably the life and path I would want to choose. I have always wanted to pursue a career in my chosen sport, and probably another secondary degree either in Arts or Communication—but whatever reason or set of reasons that has happened, and maybe, just maybe, it is true when they say that the world indeed may have been a tad bit playful on my part—I found myself instead in the field of what I thought, I hated the most. Science. Particularly—the health sciences.
It was unnerving, I couldn't remember what and how did it happen. But maybe, that one memory in my teenage years was the main reason to blame since even up to now, it would still poke a tiny bit of pain and wrenched in my chest, every time my mind would stop to wander about it. It was that fateful day I lost my dear grandmother. I grew up with her—she was my Father's mother. We all lived together under one roof, we were the typical, happy, simple, and fun-loving family. And I was that spoiled kid who would somewhat always get what he wants when he wants it—especially with my grandmother. So maybe, when she suddenly left us, left me because of a terminal illness, at my young age of 18, I was utterly devastated. We brought her to the hospital—we had stay there for like, forever. I would help by staying with her in the room after class-like almost every day. The reason as to why our Coach would berate me every time I failed to show up during practice. But, isnt that family comes first? I had tattoo the mantra in my head like a curse, so as not to let the guilt consume me for not making basketball, the sport I loved so much my priority then. Still, I would join occasional practices then, half-heartedly, and I could only thank the talent that has been bestowed upon me because I could still play as if I have been practising all my life. And during back then, nothing probably more is important to our team and the whole school than to win the Nationals.
It was during my last year in High School when we were able to make it to the Nationals, it was exhilarating, the game between my team and the other teams was ecstatic, it brought much fervour and life into my whole system. We almost made it on the qualifying rounds but lost to another rival team in my small town. But it was all good. To be able to reach that far during that time is quite a feat for me already, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Well, I should correct that—because I would want to have it in another way, like it's fine with if we just didn't make it to the Nationals and my grandmother is healthy. That's good vibes for me, I'd be very happy of course.
But of course, it isn't the case, because right after the Nationals, when I came back to Kanagawa, just a few days after we barely made it, my grandmother left us. Probably the turning point in my life when I was struck by the realization that I want to find the cure to this illness who took away the vigour of my beloved grandmother.
And so I find myself queuing on the line that directs itself in the field of health sciences during my college years and the rest is what they say as… history.
But of course, I wasn't feeling bitter just because I wasn't able to toss the can in the bin—I was just trying to reminisce the good ol' days when the orange leather meant so much to me. I stifle an incoming chuckle, as I pressed the up button of the elevator instead. I stifled a yawn as the elevator door opened, my eyes widened. A man stepped out of the elevator with a big vase full or red roses, my eyes instinctively followed him—my mind suddenly wondering. 'Wait a minute, what day is it anyway?'
"Doctor, are you coming in?" It was Helen, one of the senior elevator personnel. I blinked back, nodded and stepped inside as a few people gave way to accommodate my full stature and built. "Helen, what day is today?" Helen simply darted her eyes on me from the side as I gave her my usual smiles, leaning back a bit.
"It's a Friday, doc." A pause. "Been busy, huh?" She added, but her lips almost held that ghostly kind of a smile. I shrugged and grin. "Friday, huh." I furrowed my brows just as the door halted a short stop, opened, and in came a fellow resident. Our eyes met and I instantly unleashed that smile. He, as well, looked a bit surprised to see me but of course, even though we both work in the same hospital, we barely see each other because of the flood of admissions, work, and reports to accomplish every single day.
I heard him snort a bit. "Good to see you around." He said, his brows furrowed a bit, eyes busily scrolling on his phone. "Likewise, Hanagata-san." I simply nodded and just as the elevator door ding opened, we both went out and went opposite ways. I stopped on my tracks though and heard again another surprise. "Happy Valentines, Sendoh." And he strut his way off to the Neurology Department. He paused though and turned around again, as if he suddenly remembered something that I didn't. "Oh, and happy birthday too." He held a small smile and walked off.
I was left to there to gape a bit as the sudden realization dawned unto me. Maybe because I have been too busy lately. Or probably because I am busy myself that I barely have the time to know and be aware of the fact that today is a Friday and that today as well is Valentine's Day and well… I rolled my eyes and scratched my head. Seriously?! Today is my freaking birthday indeed. I mean, I can't believe that I almost forgot! 'Jeesh, Happy Birthday to me, I guess.' I walked on ahead, determined to get to my office, and as I opened the door, my eyes widened once more, as if the previous encounter with Hanagata wasn't enough.
"Surprise!"
"Happy Birthday, Sensei!"
"Happy Birthday! Happy Valentines!"
"Happy Birthday, Sir!"
Poppers. Balloons. A colourful signage. DIY designs and small colourful stuffs. Oh, there's food on the table as well and… well, more food. I sighed and instantly curled up the corner of my lips into a smile. I looked meaningfully at Trina, my secretary. She had that goofy grin on her face as she held a V-sign on her fingers. I could only shrugged. "Sensei, don't give me that look! We've literally been racked preparing all of these!" She playfully guffawed. I simply chuckled a bit and rubbed my eyes tiredly and went inside. I looked on to see two of my Med Reps from a trusted company, Eiri and Amy, and the maintenance guy who always cleans my office, Pancho. Of all them, I like Pancho's way of cleaning, he is just thorough and organized. They were all cheery-eyed and smiling.
"So, Sensei, Trina here literally bothered us because she really wanted to give you a surprise!" Amy joked. Trina flushed a bit and gnarled at Amy who simply laughed boisterously. Eiri handed a small paper bag and shook my hand. "This is for you, Sensei, from our company!" He grinned. I took the bag and nodded at the four of them—suddenly coming up with no inkling as what to say. I scratched my forehead and grinned. "Guys, hey…" I chuckled. They all laughed. "T-thanks a lot, I guess. This is really a surprise." I eyed Trina who simply smiled at me and put up a thumbs sign.
"You deserved this Doc, you've always been busy, really!" Trina added.
"And she's always worried." Amy joked. Trina blushed as we could all only laugh. I was aware of the fact that my secretary, Trina, once confessed to me that she has a crush on me and I, on the other hand, could only blink back and smiled at her. That was a year ago. Besides, she's only 22 and I… well, I'm 32 plus I'm already…
In short, it was just admiration, and funny because it had me thinking of all the events when I was in high school. Those confessions and crushes, and the whole Ryonan school screaming my name every time we play—it was nostalgic. Such fun times. I sighed. Ugh. For some reason, seems like nothing's changed but everyday feels different as well.
"Trina is right, Doc, you're always on rounds, and you got a handful of patients every day. You should enjoy the day!" Eiri muttered back. I chuckled and walked on to place the paper bag on top of one unoccupied table and shrugged. "Well, I guess age happens when you're busy trying to save lives." I rallied back and they all laughed. "And make money!" Amy added and she laughed. I rolled my eyes at her and shrugged. "I think you guys makes more money than I do?" I reiterated playfully and they all simply muttered all the mundane things possible.
"Well, we should eat already!" Amy hollered. I simply nodded my head and soon afterwards, we were all busy digging in on our food while chatting randomly.
"Trina, I don't think we can eat all of this?" I told her as I placed down my glass of soda. Trina mumbled a few incoherent words before an idea struck my mind. "Oh, maybe we should just call in some few people from the other department."
And just like that, after a few minutes, my office is suddenly full of other people as well. Funny because, they seem to all know that it is indeed my birthday today.
"Teme, Spiky, how come we know? Your smug face is all over the bulletin board! Hahah!" A certain redhead doctor from the Pedia Dept hollered. Oh. Oh? I must have forgotten to tell you, but some of us turned out to be professionals after all. For instance, there's Sakuragi Hanamichi who, miraculously, turned out to be a doctor and a paediatrician to boost! I remembered, the reactions of the whole of Kanagawa back then, it feels like the end of the world has been announced. Hanagata is one of the top neurosurgeons in our hospital, together with Fujima Kenji. Maki Shinichi is in the Internal Medicine department surprisingly, Kiyota Nobunaga as well. I, well, I turned out to be a cardiologist. Guess who's with me though? You wouldn't believe it… I cannot, either.
"Yo! Hahahah! Happy Birthday, Spiky-boy! Ugh, I had three code blues and one DOA at the ER, so much for toxicity!" We all turned at the door to see that smirk ever-present on his rough face.
"DOA? What's your case?" Hanagata muttered amidst the noise. He's always the serious one.
"Suicide. Ingested a bottle of Penicillin tabs… love-problems." The newcomer sneered.
"You should have been there, Sendoh." Maki muttered, a smile on his lips.
"Like…why?" I asked back. Really wondering though. I yawned a bit. Must be because I'm sleepy already, I can't seem to get the statements already.
"Like duh, you're the cardiologist? You're the heart doctor." Kiyota reasoned. They all laughed.
Obviously, that was… stupid. But somehow I found myself chuckling along. Kiyota grinned at me.
"Ugh, people nowadays…" I heard Kenji Fujima shuddered. We all chuckled softly, and shook our heads.
"Anyway, I'm here because its Happy Heart's Day to all and its Spiky's birthday! And because I'm hungry. Haha! Happy Birthday, dimwit!" He laughed and grinned smugly. The others chuckled as well. I could only smile and grin in return.
The ever resilient…
"Nyahahah! You always show up at the right time, Micchy!" Sakuragi hollered and we all laughed. I chuckled and nodded at my colleague. "Thanks, Mitsui-san. Help yourself, please." I offered. Mitsui entered and playfully elbowed me and soon after we were all eating and happily chatting.
This is us. This is our simple happiness. To be able to save and help as many lives as we can, those at the brink of death, and have a small get together or some sort is enough for us, to get us for the day, for tomorrow is a whole new story and episode.
I stared and laughed again with the crowd inside my small office…who would have thought, that we, the once great basketball players from small town Kanagawa would turn out to be life-saving dudes in the future. I remembered we all laughed and got drunk one time just because we couldn't believe what fate has gotten us into. Well, we all have our own reasons as to how things turned out to be. Of course we all didn't walked the same paths, but for some reason, our roads diverged, and somehow, somewhere, we all found one another at the crossroads. We all changed. When you think about it, we're all different people all through our lives, and that's okay, that's good. You've gotta keep moving so long as you remember all the 'people' that you used to be.
It was getting a bit crazier and funnier already, reminiscing the good old days, when we all used to be heated rivals on courts, the drama, our good ol' coaches, the athleticism, the pride of our schools and teams, the Nationals, the collegiate levels, the love prospects and the whatnots, when we all got a call from our respective departments. I, also found myself standing up immediately as I hurriedly grab my stethoscope and strode off the room, barely responding to Trina's gambatte, sensei!
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but it is love that leaves a memory, no one can steal. I stood there, with eyes blank, my left hand on his shoulder, as my right hand held onto the diaphragm of my stethoscope against his still and unmoving chest. The electrocardiogram machine whirred a few more before giving away the tracings with nothing but a solid flat line. The room was silent and the air was heavy, just like any other usual days. I must have spent a good few minutes staying in that position when I felt a hand clutched one of my arm, I was made to look. It was my patient's daughter. She clung to my arm tightly—grasping as if that action alone can bring her deceased father back. I choke back my usual apprehension at times like this. I stood up straight and stared at the lady nurse whom I just talked to a while ago. "Time of death, 10:58 am…" I muttered a bit lowly but firmly. She nodded and scribbled onto the chart. Soon after, there were sobs. I felt my hand form a fist. But in this profession, in this so-called 'job', one cannot wear his heart visibly on his sleeves. I quietly exited the room and talked with the still sobbing daughter of my patient. Of course, I know there is no way in this world that my words could console her, lest alone, comfort her… and that my endless 'sorry' would let alone bring her father back. I stood there in front of her not as Sendoh Akira, which was my real name. That is not the point. I stood there, in front of her as the doctor. The name I choose. It's like, a promise I made.
She nodded tearfully as I carefully explained the events that had cause her old man to succumb to cardiac arrest. It was unnerving and seemingly pointless at this time, but it is the protocol.
"I'm sorry…" I muttered softly as I placed a firm hand on her shoulder. She kept sobbing and nodding and I had to thank the lady nurse for approaching us and consoling her for I had another call in my beeper. I tried to regain myself again despite what just happened and strode off with big steps to where the intensive care unit was having yet another code blue. For some reason, people fear death more than pain. Its strange that they fear death. Life alone hurts more than a lot than death, for at the point of death… the pain is over.
It was the usual scene, nurses running to and fro, machines ecstatically beeping, sending over the board signals. The ICU is a place of high patient acuity, complex pathologies, and multiple 'unknowns'. These characteristics requires staff to display unique qualities and high levels of critical thinking, both as individuals and as part of the team. It is the constantly changing and chaotic environment that drives the whole staff to this specialty. Trust indeed is a big word inside this room were war seems to rage on, aside of course from being confident in making decisions and having effective communication.
I arrived just in time to see the usual scenario on one ICU room. The head nurse, greeting me instantly as I could barely nod back in return. "What's our situation?" I muttered as they gave way to me while they continue to pumped oxygen on the seemingly delirious patient.
"He was admitted to intensive care two days ago, for respiratory decompensation due to pneumonia…"
Three hours has passed since then. Another death. Again, wails of despair and sobs filled the room. I could only blankly looked at them and approached the eldest son to talk about it. Good thing he was the sturdy type as he patiently took my every word in. In this life, we never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don't disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms. Or I would like to believe so, as I partly remember my beloved grandmother. Its just that sometimes, our heart needs more time to accept what our mind already knows.
After the ICU incident, I was called yet again on the floor for another emergency, and two other more after that—one benign, the other malignant. The latter of course, we need to wheeled down and be admitted to the ICU ward for further observations. Hanagata, Maki and I saw each other quite a number of times after our small gathering in my office, mostly because of these patients. I actually have ten patients at hand, two expired, making it eight—but had two admissions after a few, making it ten yet again.
I went to do another few more rounds, covering for some of Hanagata's patients since he has a major on-going surgery at the moment and he is supposed to be the head neurosurgeon. I tap the pen on the table as I read solemnly on one chart, oblivious to the nurses chattering at my side.
"Hey Doc, are you going out on a date today?" One seemingly asked me and giggled, as she prepared the medicines I ordered. I simply twitch my lips and scribbled something on one corner and signed—handing the chart back to her. I shrugged and yawned a bit. "Depends. But I'm afraid not. Been a long day." I muttered back and gave them a lopsided grin. My hair falling already atop my forehead like short fringes. I saw the two girls giggled back and chuckled as I quietly left their station. I looked at my watch and almost felt a smile crept on my lips. Just two more hours and I'm off til tomorrow. Now, this is something to look forward to. "Bye Sensei, Happy Birthday!" They chorused and I could only looked back and waved at them.
I went back to my office, nodding my thanks to a few well-wishers and colleagues along the way. The time was 5pm. Funny, because while most people outside seemed to be celebrating the dreaded 14th of February in the normal way, I… rather, we here in the four corners of the white-walled hospital is competing against the so-called race of time. It is often said that the hospital alone shows what war is—this is a place where the battle against life and death always ensues and that the clock is the most scared and sacred thing there is. It's still weird though, because I must be the only person in the world who's looking forward to going into hospital because this alone is duty itself. Still, I can't wait to get it over and done with at the same time. And the irony of it, the truth of it all is that airports have seen more sincere kisses than wedding halls probably, and the walls of this place have heard more prayers than the walls of churches.
I sighed to myself as I grab a hold on the stethoscope on my right hand, feeling the weight of carrying one such as this. I approached the door to my office and instantly, I saw Trina—she has tidied the room. Pancho as well is there. She greeted me and I noticed that she was probably getting ready to leave, after all it's about time. "Sensei!" She beamed. I nodded and smiled at her. "Are you okay? You guys never came back after all, sensei." She worriedly muttered. I simply nodded my head off and said nothing. "Yeah, been terribly busy." Silence. I saw Pancho paused for a bit but continued vacuuming one area nonetheless.
"Sensei, please do not go home late, you should leave already, it's your birthday after all!" She joyfully exclaimed. I snorted and c at the wall clock. Maybe she is right. I decided that I would be leaving a few minutes from now. Trina stated a few appointments the day after tomorrow and I could only nod in my appreciation in return. Trina waved her goodbye after a few more yakking as I simply held a few papers in my hand.
A few minutes more and I was left inside my room, everything is now still and quiet. I momentarily buried my face inside my palm and tried to take in a breather. Today, I learned that the universe has to move forward. Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love. Whether it's a world or a relationship, everything has its time. And that… everything ends. I sighed heavily, stared at the various paper bags and flowers that sits quietly atop my other desk. Gifts. I smiled wistfully. I then pushed back my chair and soon afterwards, quietly exited my office- removing my off-whitish coat that has my name stitched at one corner and with the word Cardiologist underneath that displays itself as if in emblazonment.
I went down from the eleventh floor to the lower ground via elevator. As I finally strode my feet off, somewhat feeling a bit excited as well to end the day and call it quits for now, my eyes darted forwards, a bit blank to some, but I was focused of course, I found my other hand reaching at my back pocket, trying very much to look for something. I furrowed my brows and paused. Seriously? Where are my damn car keys? I paused and looked inside my small body bag. None. Not inside my pockets as well. I tried to remember as to where I put it when a voice broke down my reverie. "Something wrong, doctor?" The lady guard asks and I could only shrugged and smile at her in return.
"My keys…" I muttered softly. I was about to say something else, when someone's voice literally made me turn around.
"Today is the oldest you've ever been." A snort.
I felt my eyes widened when right then and there, I saw another pair of cerulean blue eyes staring back at me and for some reason, all my tiredness were swept away. I guess it's true when then say that when you meet someone special, you'll know. Your heart will beat more rapidly and you'll smile for no reason. Anyone can make you happy by doing something special, but only someone important can make you happy without doing anything.
Just a while back, I learned the complexities of life and the whatnots; that the life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living, and that probably the reason why people seemed to hate death is that because the former is a beautiful lie, while the latter is nothing but a painful truth. Still, we all thrive to go on and continue living, for life is simply a brief intermission, between birth and death, and so we might as well enjoy it.
I smiled. "I cant find my keys." I muttered back as I found myself stepping forward. He frowned, probably heard something funny back there but I could only wonder. "Seriously? You don't know…." I paused for a bit and scratched my nape. "Could you not just let me enjoy this moment of not knowing something? I mean, it happens so rarely." I grinned and chuckled.
Maybe I really have been busy, I have been on duty since yesterday morning and to be having my 24th hours on shift is the next excruciating thing ever. I saw him rolled his eyes off and I could only laughed softly. "How could you forget?" He said indifferently. I saw him reach something behind his pocket and toss something up to me, my reflex seems to be still doing good as I was able to catch it with one hand. My eyes widened a bit. My car keys. He frowned. "You didn't brought your car yesterday, you took the cab."
Oh. Oh? So that's it. I must have looked pretty lame to him. I simply grinned back. I looked up to him and somehow found myself stepping forward.
When our space is just a few inches away, I found myself reaching onto him and burying my head in between his neck and shoulder. Now, more than ever, I felt it—the weight of the shift has finally engulfed me as if I had the weight of the whole world onto my shoulders. I found myself nuzzling my head onto him as I heard him gasp a bit.
"I missed you." I said in my husky voice. I heard him snort a bit and even though I know that I am dead tired already, everything has been relieved of off me, and I was glad. "I lost two patients today…" I muttered as I found myself holding onto him as if trying to regain what has gone off. Silence. I felt his hand behind my back and I knew right then and there that it was all okay now.
"You cannot save everyone…" I heard him muttered softly. Silence. "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for the others and the world remains and is immortal."
And in that instant, I found myself smiling genuinely this time, and for that I choose to go on. I felt him pushing me off gently this time, our gazes suddenly met and I could only wonder the past twelve years that I have been with him, how special he is to me. Its like when they say that sometimes, what makes people special is not the happiness you feel when you are with them, but rather the pain and longing you feel when they are away from you. Rukawa Kaede. Just like me and everyone else, he became a doctor too. And not just some physician, he's an Anaesthesiologist! If everyone thought that Sakuragi being in pedia department is the end of the world, the moment Kaede became an anaesthesiologist, it was pandemonium. I could only chuckle to myself. But most of all, we got married and he became my husband as well.
"What are you looking at, doaho?" He stated back in his monotone voice. "Nothing… I never thought that it was possible to miss someone terribly." I saw his eyes widened a bit as his ears flushed a bit, I chuckled amusedly. Silence. I reluctantly let go of him as I knew it was time and that he needs to be in the OR soon.
Having both a career in medicine is a demanding one. It constantly seems like there is just not enough "together" time. And without time together, the level of communication in the marriage relationship suffers. Kaede and I would try to resolve disagreements immediately, and always with honesty. In the end, it is important to avoid unnecessary arguments and nit-picking with a spouse; in the end I never really cared if it's just five minutes or a whole night. I just want to see him and be with him.
I stared at his softened gaze as we held each other's hands. I was about to say something when he beat me to it. "Happy Valentines, Akira." He muttered. I somewhat blinked back at him, I honestly thought that he must have forgotten that it is my birthday too, but I found myself waving it off nonetheless. I nodded my head, smiled… and bent down to kiss him, like I've been doing for the past years. There's a certain moment, between a glance and a kiss, where the world stops for the briefest times. And the only thing between me and him is the anticipation of his lips on mine.
I aversely pulled away, revelling the softness of his lips and the tingling sensation it left on mine. Who would have thought something so small could be so everlasting. Something so minute would be the thing I spend most of my days waiting for… I spent the next few moments staring at the person whom I dedicated my whole life onto…
"Are you alright? You looked kind of pale." I muttered softly. Kaede simply gasps a bit, he looked quite a bit surprised there, but he nodded his head. "I-I'm fine." He smiled a bit. I simply grinned back and pulled him closer to give him a quick kiss on the forehead.
"I gotta go now." He said a bit lowly and I could only sighed and agree with him. I looked at him as he started stepping towards the elevator that will lead him up. He paused to look back. "I'm sorry, I wasn't able to buy you something." He smiled a bit, and I think I just fell in love. I shook my head and shrugged. "No big deal. Its not important." I grinned, and then paused.
"Look, I'll fetch you tomorrow morning when you go out." I saw him gasp a bit, as he wasn't probably expecting that. "But, are you sure you're going to be awake by then?" He almost raised a brow, quite unsure if he's hearing the right words from me. I chuckled and nod my head. "Yeah of course, I promise. I'll set five alarms." He rolled his eyes and I laughed a bit and paused. "Five alarms, huh." Kaede repeated. I chuckled and continued by asking him, "So, since its…Valentine's Day as well, maybe we should probably go out on a… date?" I grinned and saw him lift the corner of his lips as he nodded. "Yeah, I think I'd like that." He muttered back softly. I smiled back at him. "Great. I'll see you tomorrow then… I love you." I saw Kaede got inside the elevator as he nodded his head and raised a hand to wave back—and mouthed that he loves me too. I grinned back like a Cheshire cat.
The elevator door opened and I waved him off goodbye. I on the other hand went straight to the parking lot and got into the car Kaede and I both share. Pressing the open button, I hopped inside and started the engine with one push. A certain small rectangular box sitting on the passenger seat caught my attention. I held it with one hand and wondered the lightness of it. I decided to ignore it for a while as I drove off and exited the parking lot…
Driving onto the main road for about fifteen minutes already, I halted to a stop just as the lights turned red and yawned. My eyes caught sight of the said small box and interest got the best of me because I found myself opening it. I must have gaped for so long to have the cars behind me honking in sheer annoyance because I literally got stuck there inside my car, on the road, staring at that tiny and rectangular plastic material in sheer disbelief with one hand and with a tiny piece of paper on the other that read: the only thing better than having you as my husband is our son having you as his daddy, happy birthday.– KR
I tried to choke back an impending sob as I started moving the car only to pull it over to one side. I felt my hands grasping on the wheel as my forehead touches it; my lips curving up into a smile. I had learn that satisfaction of one's curiosity is one of the greatest sources of joyfulness in life; happiness is a journey and not a destination and for that, the best way to pay for this lovely moment is to enjoy it, and so today I am choosing to be grateful.
For some reason, I found myself dialling his number because I wanted to hear his voice, and just as when I heard him answer my call, I knew right then and there that I want no more than to turn around the car and go back at the hospital and wrap him around my arms.
"Yes?" I heard him mutter on the other line. My lips curve up into a smile. I felt myself gulped involuntarily. "Have I told you that the moment I saw you, I knew we'd fall desperately in love, get married and have… kids?" Silence, but I knew Kaede is listening. I heard him softly snorted on the other line and right then and there, I am thankful for the good life.
"Akira…" I heard him muttered softly.
"Hmm?"
"I think you're going to be a great…" He paused. Silence ensued between us, but I know he must be smiling from the other line."Thank you, I know you are too. I'll be there tomorrow, Kaede. You take a rest if you're not doing anything, got it? You wait for me, okay?" I heard him softly hned on the other line as I could only grinned in return.
Today's chapter showed me that sometimes we must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, and lose in order to gain. But life is like the change of seasons… sometimes the sun shines and everything is bright. But somewhere in our journey, we also needed the storm for rearrangements-the rain to wash away the pain, and when the leaves leave, they make place for a new beginning… more like, a better one.
Losing those two patients a while ago, I felt pain—I felt like blaming myself. I felt incompetent, unskilled, ineffective and amateurish… but most of all, it left me with nothing, I felt vacant and hollow…
...until a baby fills a place in my heart that I never knew was empty.
-END-
Notes: This is pretty nonsensical. *laughs* I mean, it doesn't have a definite plot and all. I'm sorry if you just wasted your time reading this long and plotless story. Hahaha. I really am NOT well-versed when it comes to writing one-shots. One-shots are *hard* for me to write, I must say. I might bring this story down after a few weeks or so, hahaha! Not really sure. Even on the title itself, I feel reluctant and hasty. I cant remember as well the reason as to why and how the heck this idea came to be. I just thought of writing something for V-day and Sendoh's bday and this is what came up! lol, I know, you can kill me now. Nonetheless, I guess I just pretty much missed working in the hospital. Yeah! I've worked in the hospital for almost 8 years. (I'm not a nurse or a doctor, though—I'm a lab scientist) ^_^ Before I ventured out in teaching I used to work in the hospital and I must say that its really a warzone inside. But it is fun and very fulfilling as well. Nevertheless, hoping that I was able to impart a small inspiration in this particular fic.
Notes2: Waaah! You guessed it right, it has an M***G! Lol! But, this is NOT the mpreg fic I have been telling you about! I still have another M***G fic which is basically a Multichap that I haven't finished writing as well yet! -_-
WheninOsaka: Tsk, very bad, haven't start anything about it yet! You could say that its on hiatus!
MyGirl: Wrote probably 10 pages of CH14 already, I might be able to squeeze it in this month, because I am still currently writing my post-grad paper! . This fic is just the result of being unproductive for the past few days in my thesis! -_- As you can see, it really reflected the unproductivity in me with this story. Hahaha! *slumps*
Still, reviews and comments are highly appreciated! Basically missing everyone already! Hugs! 3 -JP