A/N – Don't know where this came from. My first attempt at something resembling humour. I'm considering making this multi-chapter. Let me know if you want it to continue... Reading is great, reviewing is greater, especially if it's constructive criticism...
T-rating to be safe. Will prob stay in the K+ range really.
Oh and for anyone wondering, I'm not lying about the readers' poll and the results.
Disclaimer: not mine, not mine, and, not mine...
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5... 4... 3... 2... 1
"Pepper!" Tony's voice boomed from upstairs.
It was right on cue. She reached across the sofa and grabbed a cushion, burying her face in it to stifle her giggles and cover the huge smirk. She knew she had about 15 seconds before he appeared at the bottom of the stairs.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. He bounded down the steps just as she had anticipated. She schooled her face into impassivity and waited.
"What is THIS?" He shoved the offending object towards her, shaking it slightly for effect.
"That would be your costume for tonight, Mr Stark."
"And I reiterate: what is this? Is this some sort of joke?"
"It is not a joke, it is exactly what you asked for."
He looked at the suit, then back at Pepper, then at the suit again. He eyed the tailored waistcoat, the breeches, the cravat, the neckerchief and, oh god, and the stockings.
"How is this what I asked for? I remember specifically asking..."
"To be dressed as the sexiest man in literature." She finished for him. "I didn't forget, Tony. I believe you reminded me daily for a week after receiving the invitation."
"Potts! You are avoiding the question!"
It was rare that Pepper was able to turn the tables on Tony, and so she took great delight in this moment. She took in the slit eyes, flaring nostrils, slight tremor of his muscles and, best of all, the exasperated tone.
"You can't work it out? I thought it was obvious." She said matter-of-factly and raised one eyebrow. She thought that perhaps she should have been an actress given the performance she was putting on. She wanted nothing more than to fall about in fits of laughter. But that would have ruined the plan, and currently the plan was working perfectly.
"How on Earth are these the clothes of the sexiest man in literature? Are these the clothes of Casanova?"
"No."
"James Bond?"
"No."
"Then who? Because I'm all out of possibilities." He said, completely flustered.
"Mr Darcy."
"The ponce from 'Pride and Prejudice'? How is he the sexiest man in literature?"
"If you'll permit me, Sir, Miss Potts is indeed correct in her choice of costume for you this evening." Jarvis cut in making Tony wary. "He was voted the fictional character women would most like to date in several different polls."
"Jarvis, did Miss Potts put you up to this?"
"I assure you she did not, Sir. I independently checked the information and have a number of articles and a few dissertations from reputable sources which all..."
"MUTE!"
Tony couldn't move. He felt like he was being tricked and did not want to play along.
"I am NOT wearing this."
"Fine. We don't have to go. I'll cancel shall I?"
"No, no, no. Don't cancel!" It had taken him months to get her to agree to go to a function with him and would be damned if he let this opportunity go without a fight. "I just don't want to wear this, Pepper. I mean, look at it! It's, it's... It's not me. And I doubt it will fit."
He was clutching at straws. He knew it, Pepper knew it.
"Your tailor guaranteed that it would fit. As for it not being 'you': he is rich, you are rich; he has an amazing house, you have an amazing house; he has women chase after him, you have women chase after you. I think that is enough. Besides, where's the fun in going as someone too like yourself?"
There was only one thing left for him to try.
"Fine, well if I don't like your costume, I'm going to change into my 'other' suit."
Pepper had only agreed to go with him under the proviso that she got to choose their outfits. He'd jumped at the proposal, his only demand being that if he went as the sexiest man in literature, she had to go as the sexiest woman.
"OK."
"OK?"
"Yes. Now if you don't mind, I want to go finish up a few things and get ready. Happy will be here in two hours, and I'm assuming you will need all of that time to get dressed."
She had him. Tony gave her one last look before turning and heading back to his bedroom. When she knew he was no longer coming back, she let her poker face crack. The fun was only beginning. She was looking forward to this evening, had been since the moment he'd proposed it. Her costume was going to be equally tortuous, but not for her. One of the wonderful things about working for Tony was that no one had batted an eyelid when she'd ordered it. There was no way Tony would be going as Ironman.
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Pepper had been right. The clothes fitted perfectly, and they were taking forever to put on. He'd followed the instructions his tailor had thoughtfully included, though they hadn't made it much easier. There was a reason people had needed servants back then he surmised.
"Jarvis. Can you find a video demonstration of how to tie a neckerchief?"
"Of course, Sir."
"And while you're at it, can you tell me what makes Mr Darcy so desirable? 'Cos frankly," he glanced down at the stockings and breeches, "I don't get it."
"I believe the reasons are many, and varied, Sir. One theory I have formed is that women like the brooding, strong, silent type."
"Humph. Strong I can do. Brooding and silent? Not on your life Potts. Jarvis, is there any indication that Pepper desires him?"
"Miss Potts has a copy of the novel in her desk, Sir, and she has watched the mini-series multiple times."
Tony finished tying the neckerchief and stood back, admiring himself in the mirror. It wasn't too bad, in fact he did look rather dashing he had to admit, much to his chagrin. He still felt uneasy about Pepper getting the better of him; he wanted to wrest back control of the situation. If she held even the slightest fantasy about this character, he was going to play on it for all it was worth.
"Jarvis. Bring up some images of this Darcy fellow. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this perfectly."
Several images appeared. The hair he could do. Sideburns? He had some glue-on ones somewhere from when he wanted to go out incognito. Clean shaven?
"Oh well, here it goes." He muttered as he wandered back into his bathroom.
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Slip. Slip. Slip. He was on time she noted.
"Slippers Pepper? You couldn't have made one concession to the costume gods and let me wear proper shoes?"
He looked around the living room but didn't see her. Pulling at the jacket trying to will it to be just a tad longer, he wandered towards the kitchen.
" I know you're a perfectionist, Pep, but..." He trailed off as he saw something delightful come into view and a lustful grin tugged at his mouth.
There were a pair of very high heeled patent black leather stilettos on top of the counter. As he rounded the corner, he saw more black leather creeping up long legs.
"Geez Pep, those are some shoes even..." He stopped dead.
She wasn't just wearing patent leather knee high boots. Oh no, the leather didn't stop there. It didn't stop anywhere. It covered her from head to toe. Reclining on his kitchen counter was...
"Miaow." She said, and speared a grape with one claw ended finger then sucked it clean off.
The grin that had been forming had morphed into shock. He was standing in his kitchen in the most ridiculous clothes he'd ever worn – ever! – while she was poured into the sexiest outfit he'd ever seen. It was absolutely faultless, from the ears to the sharp claws to the whip wound around her body.
"So good of you to be on time, Tony."
He was sure she purred.
She stretched in the most feline way he'd ever seen a woman move, slipped off the counter and took the proffered glass of wine from Dummy. She scratched him and he whirred in appreciation. Slowly, deliberately, she sauntered over to Tony and offered him the glass. He took it and downed it in one gulp. Pepper was a good two inches taller than him tonight which made him uncomfortable. She moved so she was invading his personal space and circled round him, eyeing him up and down like he was a mouse she had just caught.
"Potts! What do you... Where did you... Catwoman? She's not a literary figure!"
"Hmmm. Semantics." She said, dismissing his outburst. She continued her inspection and returned to his front. She lifted the same finger that had been used to spear the grape, and put it under Tony's chin, forcing it up and to the side. "You shaved. Very good. I'm impressed. Now, Happy is waiting for us outside. Be sure to grab your gloves from the counter. And," she continued in a whisper, leaning forward so her mouth was right by his ear, "if you're a good boy all night, I might just let you scratch me behind the ears at the end of it."
She spun around and walked out. Tony wanted desperately to say something, anything that would let him have the last word, but he couldn't form a single word. He stalked over to the counter and out to the car. Happy was there holding the door open for Pepper. She went to get in but just before she did, she turned, brushed her hand along the side of his face to hold it in place, and kissed him firmly on the cheek leaving behind a perfectly formed set of red lips.
Tony swallowed hard, so hard his ears popped. He was sure it was his brain exploding.