Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling and associates own these characters. I am writing this story for fun and not profit.

Rating: M

Summary: Colin knew when he started dating Harry Potter that it would be different than his other relationships. He just didn't expect it to be this different.

Warnings: language, crack, sexual situations—be warned, my darlings: take note of the last two, and enter if you dare...

Author's Note: For Kay, who put out a Crack Porn challenge. Emphasis on the Crack. XD And it's Colin/Harry, because I'm amazing. –preens-

The First Time

Colin keened loudly, writhing furiously on the damp satin sheets. He gasped, "No—no more, Harry! Put—put it—put it in!"

Harry asked anxiously, "Are you sure, Colin? I've only put one finger in already. I don't want to hurt you—"

Although Colin was in a most compromising position—spread-eagled, ankles and wrists bound to the bedposts with velvet ties, body covered in a sheen of sweat, cheeks flushed with arousal, and a silken blindfold covering the upper half of his face—he still managed to give Harry the impression of an imperious glare. "You will hurt me if you don't put it in right now."

Gulping, Harry hastily withdrew his wet finger and fumbled for the bottle of lubricant. He muttered, "Must remember to thank Fred and George for this, after. New lube is amazing."

He shakily squeezed a large dollop into his palm, and reached down with a sigh of anticipation, making sure to cover himself completely. He shut his eyes for just a bit, and prepared himself to the sounds of Colin's short, breathy exclamations. He stroked once, twice, thought of sliding his cock into that deep, slick, warm—

"Too soon, Harry! I was wrong, I wasn't ready, take it out—Ooh, that's the spot!"

Harry's eyes flew open. Colin's mouth was open in a soundless cry, his body jerking at its confinements as his come splattered across his chest. His form sagged slightly, upheld by the ropes, and he murmured, "That was fantastic, Harry. I came too soon, though. Sorry. Take this scarf thing off, will you? I want to see your face when you come inside of me."

Harry made a short series of unintelligible sounds, and Colin shifted in his bonds slightly, his torso straining towards Harry. He called out, "Harry? It's alright if you don't want to take off the blindfold. Just start moving; it's agony just having you rest against my prostate. Please?"

Harry rested a clammy hand against Colin's thigh, and choked out, "It's—it's not—I'm not—me!"

Colin frowned. "You're not you? Harry, take off the blindfold. You're starting to scare me. What's wrong?"

He laughed hysterically. "Oh, I'm me, alright. But me isn't in you."

Colin's thigh tensed up, and he croaked, "Err—what?"

Harry gave a terrified glance to Colin's lower half. "You've got a bunch of freesias sprouting out of your arse."

Colin turned his face away from Harry. "Y'know, I've just put myself in a very vulnerable position, Harry. Because I trusted you. And now you have the nerve to poke fun at me while I'm lying here, tied up and naked?"

Harry reached up and ripped off the blindfold frantically. He pointed downwards and cried, "Look, Colin!"

He glared angrily at Harry, who was pasty-white and didn't have the appearance of a man playing a cruel joke. Something prodded against his prostate, and a sweet smell assaulted his nostrils. With a feeling of morbid apprehension building in his chest, his eyes travelled slowly down his body to rest between his legs. He went rigid in disbelief, and breathed out, "Dear God. I've got a bunch of freesias sprouting out of my arse."

oOo

It was a rather large blur to Harry from that point on. Colin awoke from his self-induced stupor, and starting yelling at Harry to get "those bloody flowers away from his arsehole." Harry snapped into action and pulled the bouquet out, but the second it was removed, another cluster of purple blossoms began emerging from Colin's pucker. He tried again, and the same thing happened. He looked helplessly at Colin, and then it all went to hell in a handbasket.

The velvet ties, which up until that very moment had been supporting Colin, turned to lengths of slimy, limp noodles. Harry noted in his deliria that with the smell of pasta and freesias in the air, it was almost as if they had gone out to a nice Italian restaurant on a date.

Colin, struggling to break free of his doughy restraints, shouted, "Do something; I can't get out of this linguine!"

Without thinking, Harry replied, "Actually, it's fettuccine."

Colin gaped at him. "Thank you, Harry, for noticing something that will make so much of difference in this life or death situation!"

Harry said defensively, "Well, it is fettuccine. Linguine is narrower than this. I'm sorry if I know more about pasta than you do."

Colin sighed heavily and whispered, "Will you please get me out of this fettuccine, then?"

Harry took his wand and muttered a Cutting curse at the noodles. Colin's extremities fell to the bed, and he lay there, boneless. Harry crawled besides him and he cautiously moved Colin's hair back from his sweaty forehead. He pressed a kiss near the smaller boy's ear, and said quietly, "Sorry."

Colin turned to look at him, and reached a hand up to press against Harry's cheek. "No, I'm sorry. I was a bit harsh with you about the pasta. This whole night has just been a disaster, and I have no idea why."

He reached down and pulled the freesias out his arse, resigning himself to another bunch sprouting, but nothing happened. He grinned at Harry, "It looks like the disaster is over, though."

Harry smiled in reply and trailed his fingers suggestively down past Colin's collarbone. "What say you to getting back to what we were doing earlier, then?"

Colin was about to reply in the affirmative when something nudged against his left leg. He looked down and whipped his head up, gazing in horror at Harry.

Harry said urgently, "What's wrong?"

"You've got a cock in between your legs."

Harry relaxed and leered at Colin, "Don't I know it. I plan to use it tonight, too."

Colin shook his head frantically, and answered, "No, I don't think you understand; you've got a cock in between your legs."

Harry's smug grin slowly slid off his face. Almost afraid to look, he peered down at his pubic area.

"Cock-a-doodle-doo!"

oOo

At the feet of a furiously hyperventilating Harry Potter and his equally panicked boyfriend, there lay a small, innocuous-looking bottle. The label was a muted-green colour, and in a soothing font it stated, "WonderWizard's Wild Lubricant: To Bring Excitement to Both You and Your Partner! Brought to You by Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes!"

On the side of the label, there were two sentences, so tiny a Magnifying Charm would have to be used to read it.

It simply said, "WARNING: By 'wild,' we actually mean that it's not been tested enough that we're able to list all the effects. So, have fun, and Owl us if you get anything unusual!"

Unusual, indeed.

FIN.