Old Habits
Disclaimer: All belongs to Joss and friends. As always, no money. As in I have none, and I'll never of any.
I can't even explain what brought me here. Back to the vampire dens I left behind after I left Sunnydale. I thought that darker chapter of my life was closed, but somehow, I couldn't stop myself from asking around to find this new one. Couldn't stop my feet from carrying me inside.
It all seemed so surreal and dreamlike as I pulled a handful of green crumpled bills out of my pocket and thrust it into the hand of the first grinning vampire I came across. I still couldn't quite grasp what I had done when she took my hand and led me into the back room. It didn't feel real, I didn't feel real. I feel like I slipped into this weird, freakish nightmare and I can't wake myself up.
It wasn't the same as the previous den- only one level is in use for starters. No creaky stairs to creep up, as though I was a boy trying to sneak in the house after curfew. It was still dark and dank and dirty, like you'd expect a place like that to be. The old chair with the extra high arms had been replaced with an old orange sofa- the cushions pulled off to give the same affect. All my field training and all rationalizes that it's to stop the blood flow once the vampire's done feeding. Keep your arm above your heart and all. I don't want to think about that, though. I don't want to think.
The girl- she could have been pretty when she was alive, fair hair, blue eyes, slender figure without really looking starved like most of the girls you usually find in these places did. In a way, she kind of reminded me of Buffy. Right now, I don't want to think about her either. Thinking about Buffy tends to lead to thinking about love, which in turn leads to thinking about...
No, I reminded myself. I came here to forget, if only for the night. I don't want to think about how I'm burning with internal agony. How I'd like nothing more than to curl up and die. It feels like my heart's been ripped out and torn to pieces... Sam....
What would she say if she saw me here? The question doesn't matter because she won't. She won't ever know. I won't ever see her again.... It hurts. God, it hurts. I wish it had been me instead. She was only gone from camp for a minute- down to get water. Her scream woke me up, still does sort of. I'm going through this phase where I wake up and think the nightmare's ended only to have it continue. It happens every night.
The vampire gently- or at least what could pass for gently- pushed me down on the couch, pulls my arm up to rest it, elbow upwards, on the armrest. I barely noticed as she rolled up my sleeve, too lost in my own thoughts.
I looked down at her, kneeling beside the sofa as she stared up at me with her game face, holding my arm still, and it suddenly hit me what I was doing. I tried to pull away, and I, slightly panicked I admit, started telling her no, that I wanted her to stop, that it wasn't right.
The positively frail looking creature was stronger than me on a good day, and I was coming down off a string of really bad ones. It was nothing for her to keep my arm pinned down as she grinned devilishly. "You get what you pay for," she hissed. I could suddenly feel fear grip my heart as I started to realize maybe I had found a vampire who doesn't play by the rules. I wanted to call out to the ones downstairs, but I couldn't seem to make my voice work.
The pain as she bit sharply into my arm was as exquisite as the first time I ever tried this, and adrenalin shot through my system as a natural pain killer. It filled me with an incredible rush as I could feel my heart jackhammering beneath my ribs. I remember I yelled, or at least gasped, and still tried to squirm away. I was scared. I wanted to die, I wanted to be with Sam, but I was terrified of actually doing the whole dying thing.
That happened the first time I paid to have my blood drained too. Unarmed and completely unable to defend myself, I panicked and tried to no avail to get away until I lost myself in the surge of endorphins I didn't know I would soon start to crave. Then, the vampire didn't just pin me down and go ahead anyway- she laughed as though it was the funniest thing she had ever seen.
After a few minutes that felt more like a few hours, the rush passed with the my futile struggles, and the world began to fall away. It brought with it a warm, comfortable feeling. Peaceful. I could hear my breath catch in my throat, feel my racing heart start to slow as it thuds in my ears. My vision started to blur around the edges, creeping slowly towards the middle, followed by darkness. Dully, my mind started screaming at me that it was too much; despite my certainty that this was going to happen. I was going to die and somehow, it wasn't as scary as it was a few minutes ago. In fact, I wasn't afraid at all. I just sort of laid back and let it be.
Then it stopped. I still felt dizzy and weak and all warm and fuzzy, but mild awareness I had of my blood draining away through my arm stopped. I looked up blearily at the still grinning vampire, her fangs dripping with blood. My blood.
"Now see? That wasn't so bad, was it?" She murmured, running a hand through my hair. "Rest. Then leave."
Business transaction done, she pulled away and wandered back out to the front, leaving me alone with the horrors of what I had just done.
Disclaimer: All belongs to Joss and friends. As always, no money. As in I have none, and I'll never of any.
I can't even explain what brought me here. Back to the vampire dens I left behind after I left Sunnydale. I thought that darker chapter of my life was closed, but somehow, I couldn't stop myself from asking around to find this new one. Couldn't stop my feet from carrying me inside.
It all seemed so surreal and dreamlike as I pulled a handful of green crumpled bills out of my pocket and thrust it into the hand of the first grinning vampire I came across. I still couldn't quite grasp what I had done when she took my hand and led me into the back room. It didn't feel real, I didn't feel real. I feel like I slipped into this weird, freakish nightmare and I can't wake myself up.
It wasn't the same as the previous den- only one level is in use for starters. No creaky stairs to creep up, as though I was a boy trying to sneak in the house after curfew. It was still dark and dank and dirty, like you'd expect a place like that to be. The old chair with the extra high arms had been replaced with an old orange sofa- the cushions pulled off to give the same affect. All my field training and all rationalizes that it's to stop the blood flow once the vampire's done feeding. Keep your arm above your heart and all. I don't want to think about that, though. I don't want to think.
The girl- she could have been pretty when she was alive, fair hair, blue eyes, slender figure without really looking starved like most of the girls you usually find in these places did. In a way, she kind of reminded me of Buffy. Right now, I don't want to think about her either. Thinking about Buffy tends to lead to thinking about love, which in turn leads to thinking about...
No, I reminded myself. I came here to forget, if only for the night. I don't want to think about how I'm burning with internal agony. How I'd like nothing more than to curl up and die. It feels like my heart's been ripped out and torn to pieces... Sam....
What would she say if she saw me here? The question doesn't matter because she won't. She won't ever know. I won't ever see her again.... It hurts. God, it hurts. I wish it had been me instead. She was only gone from camp for a minute- down to get water. Her scream woke me up, still does sort of. I'm going through this phase where I wake up and think the nightmare's ended only to have it continue. It happens every night.
The vampire gently- or at least what could pass for gently- pushed me down on the couch, pulls my arm up to rest it, elbow upwards, on the armrest. I barely noticed as she rolled up my sleeve, too lost in my own thoughts.
I looked down at her, kneeling beside the sofa as she stared up at me with her game face, holding my arm still, and it suddenly hit me what I was doing. I tried to pull away, and I, slightly panicked I admit, started telling her no, that I wanted her to stop, that it wasn't right.
The positively frail looking creature was stronger than me on a good day, and I was coming down off a string of really bad ones. It was nothing for her to keep my arm pinned down as she grinned devilishly. "You get what you pay for," she hissed. I could suddenly feel fear grip my heart as I started to realize maybe I had found a vampire who doesn't play by the rules. I wanted to call out to the ones downstairs, but I couldn't seem to make my voice work.
The pain as she bit sharply into my arm was as exquisite as the first time I ever tried this, and adrenalin shot through my system as a natural pain killer. It filled me with an incredible rush as I could feel my heart jackhammering beneath my ribs. I remember I yelled, or at least gasped, and still tried to squirm away. I was scared. I wanted to die, I wanted to be with Sam, but I was terrified of actually doing the whole dying thing.
That happened the first time I paid to have my blood drained too. Unarmed and completely unable to defend myself, I panicked and tried to no avail to get away until I lost myself in the surge of endorphins I didn't know I would soon start to crave. Then, the vampire didn't just pin me down and go ahead anyway- she laughed as though it was the funniest thing she had ever seen.
After a few minutes that felt more like a few hours, the rush passed with the my futile struggles, and the world began to fall away. It brought with it a warm, comfortable feeling. Peaceful. I could hear my breath catch in my throat, feel my racing heart start to slow as it thuds in my ears. My vision started to blur around the edges, creeping slowly towards the middle, followed by darkness. Dully, my mind started screaming at me that it was too much; despite my certainty that this was going to happen. I was going to die and somehow, it wasn't as scary as it was a few minutes ago. In fact, I wasn't afraid at all. I just sort of laid back and let it be.
Then it stopped. I still felt dizzy and weak and all warm and fuzzy, but mild awareness I had of my blood draining away through my arm stopped. I looked up blearily at the still grinning vampire, her fangs dripping with blood. My blood.
"Now see? That wasn't so bad, was it?" She murmured, running a hand through my hair. "Rest. Then leave."
Business transaction done, she pulled away and wandered back out to the front, leaving me alone with the horrors of what I had just done.