Ch 1: Midna's New Groove
(Twilight Realm)
Midna brushed a lock of fiery red hair that was clearly more special than yours out of her glittering amber eyes. She gazed at the mundane hordes of clearly less interesting people passing by as she made her way to the castle where all the less important nobles, if they could be called that, were waiting.
As she entered, she slowly turned her head; next to her was a barrel-chested lad with white hair and sparkling cerulean eyes. Man was he dreamy, she thought. His eyes like blue pools, his arms like shriveled string beans, his chest…oh god the way his chest seemed to cave inward, the way his forehead sloped like a Neanderthal's…..
"MIDNA NOTSAKURAYAMAHAMITUSBISHISONY NINTENDOJAP!" One of the Nobles-if-he could-be-called-that snapped, eyes squinted like a hawk. " THIS IS THE DAY OF YOUR CORONATION AND YOU'RE LATE! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! WHY AM I SO ANGRY? I MUST BE OUT OF NICOTINE GUM!!"
Ignoring him, Midna turned back to where the sexy boy had been, but he was gone. He was so dreamy it turned out he was actually a figment of her imagination. She sighed, and wondered if guys like that really existed.
(Light World)
"OH LINKY POOOOO!!" came a voice like the sound of a dove being eaten by a cat. Link had only been awake for about 2.1 seconds and already he was beginning to hate this day. Heck, if he could have a penny for every day that Iliad made his life miserable, he could buy another house somewhere else, but that simply was not the case, not to mention his saving skills weren't that great, but that's another story.
He pulled the covers over his head, but it failed to drown out the human version of a rooster in the morning. "C'mon, gorgeous, I know you're in there, I nailed up the windows last night." This came as a surprise to the Fierce Deity, but he had more important things on his mind. "But Iliad-" Iliad interrupted him: "No buts, it's a perfect day for beating up bad boy bullies and hateful hooligans. Besides, you got another letter from Princess Zap." "Again?" asked Link. "Yep, it's labeled URGENT, she wants you to save the world." replied Iliad. "Not again" thought Link. "That's how she labels all of her letters, and didn't I save the world just last week?" "No dear, last week you saved the universe, last month you saved the world." replied Iliad.
"Fine." grumbled Link as he threw off the aluminum covers and slipped on his metal pants and iron boots (and you were afraid this story was getting too normal) and clanked his way over to the titanium door and turned the knob before clanking his way over to the stairs. As he was attempting to make his way down, he heard a loud WUMP followed by "MINK, MELP ME!" Link raced down the stairs to find Iliad under a mountain of his dirty laundry. "MINK, MELP ME!" she repeated. He quickly dug her out and she threw her arms around her hero.
"Oh, Mink."
"Iliad, you can talk normal now."
"Oh Link."
"Ye-ah, now I gots to go save the world, so you wait here while I do that." he said, running toward the door. "Hold it right there, mister." the blond said, to Link's despair. He slowly turned around to face his captor. "First you have to have breakfast. Big boys have to eat." she said in a very condescending tone. As it turned out, breakfast was a delicious combination of burnt celery, cremated hot dogs, and fried bread. Link would have snuck it to the cat, but he was tired of having to take him to the vet, so he just tossed it out the window as soon as Iliad turned her head. But as he did, a black hole appeared in that part of the world and absorbed the food tossed into it, but then it disappeared just as quickly.
"That was freaky." said Link, and then got up and left.
(Twilight Realm)
Zit had just gotten up and was heading to the kitchen when a black hole suddenly opened up above him and out came a plate of stuff that fell all over him. "Ah Boobs, I got this shirt washed just last week." whined Zit, but then he noticed that the stuff from the plate was food, and he realized it would be a shame to let it go to waste, so he picked up what looked like a hot dog and took a bite. "…Stacey, did you put shit in my lunch?" asked Zit as he tried to spit out all the remains of Iliad's death-on-a-plate. But as he lay there on his knees, vomiting, he looked up and noticed a giant fart bubble hovering above him. But before he could complain about food poison-induced hallucinations, it swallowed him up. "What am I doing here?" asked Zit. "I know how you feel, I don't like the Royal family much either." said Danongorf before Zit could tell him that he was only vomiting. "Why are you telling me this?" asked Zit
He didn't catch all of what Danongorf was saying but he remembered hearing something about 'The Prophecy is false,' 'Bush is a liar' and also 'Free Hat!"
"Become my servant and I will give you whatever you want." said Danongorf. Zit thought about it, then said "Do I get free health insurance?"
"Yes"
"INCLUDING Dental?"
"Yes"
Zit thought about it again and said "Ok, but I better not be betrayed and left to die." "Oh you won't." said Danongorf, crossing his fingers behind his back.
With that, Danongorf dropped Zit back onto the balcony. Zit didn't notice any difference in himself except that he was now wearing a ridiculously over sized helmet, so he looked over at a jar and decided to test out his powers and stared at it for a moment. Nothing happened. He stared harder. Still nothing. So he picked up a heavy object and brought it down on the jar and it smashed into microscopic pieces. "I AM powerful." he said, flexing his chest out. It was then that Midna came out of the castle and spotted him. "You're helmet is so big." she said in amazement. "So you'll go out with me then?" asked Zit. "It's gonna take more than a big "helmet" to win my heart." replied Midna.
Zit slapped Midna.
Midna slapped Zit.
Zit slapped Midna
Slap
Slap
Slap
Slap
Slap
This went on for 12 hours. But finally, Zit got tired of slapping and turned Midna into an imp.
"Oh yeah?" said Midna as she pulled a fused shadow out of her ass and put it on her head, but before she could use it, Zit picked her up and threw her a HELLUVA far through the portal and she went flying into the woods.
"AFTER HER!!11one" barked Zit to his minions who came out of nowhere.
(Light World)
Link had stepped outside of his home and was immediately ambushed by the little brats of Ordon and was now being forced to entertain them with his fighting techniques.
"Show us that move where you flex your muscles." said Bitch.
"Oh please. The slap?" muttered Mao.
Link lazily raised his arm, pulled it back behind him, and let it fly across the scarecrow's face.
"WOW, that's so amazing, Link." said Beth stupidly.
"I've seen that one before. Now show us that one where you use your sword." said Tao.
"You mean the poke?" asked Mao
Link unsheathed his sword from his scabbard and everyone ooh'd and aah'd, seeing the twirling green and blue blades. He held the sword back for a moment before poking the scarecrow. "Wow, that's the most awesome thing I've ever seen" said Tao. Then he turned to see a piece of string floating off in the distance. "PRETTY STRING" said Tao as he took off after the floating yarn, flapping his arms like a chick that just hatched. The others followed. Link ran into the forest after them when, out of the forest, materialized two shadow beasts enveloped in a poopy shell of fecal dung. On their arms they wore swastikas.
"Vhat ez ues dozing valking vou va vorest!!" the first one yelled
Link couldn't think of a reply. He collapsed into the dirt.
"Arz ues the jew" the other one asked
" Uf curz hay eez! Hay's proobly here bacuz hay woz landing too mash maney!"
" Oaa caz hay dadn't warsh his hands enuff! Keel da unsaitory dumbass!"
Link tried to lift himself from the dirt but the smell of the poop armor overpowered him. He was helpless as the first poop nazi descended upon him and farted in his face. The sound of Link screaming mixed with the sound of wind escaping the monster's ass sounded as sweet as the London Symphony Orchestra, which was the last thing Link heard before a quick trip to unconscious land.