Hey there. Just wanted to say one or two things before you read this story, first, this is the first story that I've attempted and actually finished, so I'm sorry if it's not great. I'd love it it you let me know what you think about it though :).
I wrote this pretty quickly after watching 3...2...1, but didn't do anything with it then but lose the notebook I wrote it in. I just found it again though, and decided to share it, so I hope you enjoy. :D
Myka knew she should have returned the hologram device as soon as she got back to the Warehouse, but something in her subconscious had made her pocket it instead. She excused herself from the others by claiming exhaustion, and as she headed towards the door, a small part of her mind hoped that one of the other agents would realize she still had it, so she would have to give it up. Another, much larger part, willed them not to notice.
She made it out of the Warehouse without being stopped, and the small part of her mind accepted that she wouldn't be. The rest of her mind hurried her towards the B+B, eager now that she was in the clear.
She climbed the steps up to her room, and as she closed her bedroom door behind her, she made sure to lock it. Pete had a habit of barging in unannounced, and while that wasn't usually a problem, she couldn't risk him doing so tonight.
She reached into her pocket for the hologram device, fingers trembling slightly as she pulled it out to look it over. It looked so simple, but it made life infinitely more complicated for her. Since she'd returned to the Warehouse, she'd been able to forget how deeply she missed Helena. Even when she's seen Helena again today, she'd been able to think of it as a sort of closure, a final goodbye.
But now she had the ability – and the privacy – to see Helena at will, to call forth her image and her voice with the push of a button – or rather the twist of a knob. And if Myka was honest with herself, that thought scared her. Not because she would be seeing Helena when they didn't have to talk business; and not because of the things they would say, finally getting a chance to talk about the events that led them to their current situations, no, she wasn't scared of that.
She was scared of how much she wanted it. Yes, she had missed Helena, missed her more than she was willing to admit. So Myka set the sphere down, determined not to use it yet. She couldn't control if she was going to use it, no, the desire was too strong, she would eventually turn that knob. But she was determined to control when she did. She would wait an hour, and maybe an hour after that. She might even be able to fall asleep without touching it, if she got into bed to read while she waited.
As she sat in bed, though, reading the same page of her book over and over without absorbing the meaning of the words, she found that she couldn't wait any longer. "Wouldn't." Myka thought, attemting to convince herself she was still in control of the situation.
She picked the device up from the bedside table, turned the knob, and smiled as Helena winked into existence.
"Need my help again so s-" Helena started, before she realized she didn't recognize her surroundings. "Myka?" She asked, glancing warily at the bed.
"Helena." Myka breathed the name out.
"Myka, how...what am I doing he – what did you do?" Helena asked.
"I…I wanted to talk to you, but I knew I'd never be allowed. So I 'accidently' kept the hologram device" Myka began sheepishly.
"Helena, I've been doing a lot of thinking since Yellowstone, and I wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I never realized the kind of pain you were in. I should have realized, and for that I'm sorry."
"Myka, I cannot have you apologizing for my actions. I had thousands upon thousands of opportunities to share how I was feeling. I never let you see all of me, never fully let you in past my walls. It was impossible for you to know how I truly felt." Helena replied.
Myka looked pained at Helena's words. "But why didn't you let me in?" She asked, "didn't you know how much I cared – how much I care?"
Helena exhaled a long, slow breath. She weighed her words carefully before she replied. "I never let you in because you never cared for me the way I cared for you. Because of that, I promised myself I would never tell you what I'm about to tell you, but as I have lost everything I cared for and gotten myself locked away, completely at the mercy of whoever holds that sphere in your hands, I have nothing else to lose. Myka, I love you. I have loved you for a long time now. I have loved you since I saved your life at that University and you thanked me by insulting my grappling hook." Myka smiled slightly at the memory. "And that is why I never let down my defenses. I would not have been able to confide in you how I was feeling about this world without admitting that you were the only thing keeping me here. Telling you that would mean risking losing you, and I could not bear even the thought of that."
Myka was completely taken aback by Helena's admission. She looked into Helena's eyes, and saw there a strange mix of emotions. Love and sadness, guilt and relief, helplessness and, because Myka had not immediately rejected her, a small but growing look of hope.
"Are all Victorian women so clueless?" Myka asked, smiling at the shock on Helena's face. "You honestly didn't know I loved you? I loved you so much it scared me. I'd never had feelings for a woman before, and suddenly I was feeling more for you than I had towards anyone since Sam. I wanted so badly to tell you, but I thought that if you felt anything for me, it was only lust. I longed for you to give me proof that I was wrong, but our relationship remained where it was, friendship interspersed with occasional flirting."
"I never meant to flirt at all. I was trying so hard not to let any of my true feelings show, but occasionally I failed, and I would find myself flirting with you before I realized what I was doing. When you never seemed phased, or even particularly interested, though, I assumed that in this modern world women were so used to the friendly flirtations from their female companions that you thought it was not anything out of the ordinary. And now you tell me I was wrong." Helena replied, reveling bitterly in the knowledge of what she had just learned.
Myka, it seemed, had the same feelings. " I've never been so ecstatic and so miserable at the same time. I've just found out the woman I admired long before I knew she was still alive – or a woman – loves me as I love her, but I can't touch her, can only sit here in agony while staring at her beautiful, non-corporeal face." She said, smiling wistfully.
"If this is too hard for you to handle, I can go back…" Helena offered. The world might disappear while she was inside that sphere, but if she was responsible for causing Myka pain, she was sure the world would explode around her. She was willing to go back to that dark, timeless, empty place, even if she felt lost there, if it would ensure Myka was happy.
"No, please stay, I'm not ready for you to leave yet." Myka said, pleading with her eyes for Helena not to ask her to turn the knob and make Helena disappear. If Helena asked to leave, she would comply, but Myka didn't want to be alone again so soon after discovering that she held the affections of the gorgeous Victorian genius.
Helena looked into Myka's eyes, filled to the brink with emotions, and she knew she would always do anything the beautiful brunette asked. She was almost sure that she could even become corporeal if Myka asked. But Myka simply asked for her to stay. The hologram device was sophisticated enough to allow her to 'sit', so she settled at the end of Myka's bed, watching her. Myka picked up her book once more, continuing out loud for Helena's benefit.
Helena, though, was not listening to a single word that came from Myka's mouth. She was too busy watching the expressions on Myka's face as she read, watching the rise and fall of her chest and the movements of her lips. She was too busy concentrating on the sounds coming out of those lips, the different tones and inflections, the patterns and the volume of Myka's words to understand the meanings of those words. She listened as Myka grew quieter and quieter as she drifter closer and closer towards sleep.
Eventually Myka's words stopped altogether. Helena watched the rhythmic rise and fall of Myka's chest for a moment before she got up, and moved to lie carefully on her side next to Myka. Tonight, she realized, was a miracle, one unlikely to be repeated again. Tomorrow she would have to go back to reality, back to limbo, where she no longer existed except as a thousand thoughts scattered in ten thousand directions. But tonight, she was here. Tonight she was with the woman she loved, watching the most beautiful creature she had ever seen sleep, which somehow made her even more beautiful. Tonight she remembered how love felt. Tonight everything was perfect.
Not even the worst tomorrow could take that away.