A/N: I know a lot of people aren't fond of character deaths in fics but please give this story a chance. Who knows it may suprise you.

Have you ever lost someone that you loved? Someone who takes up such a big part of your heart that when you lose them it seems like you can't go on?

I have. A year ago I lost my best friend, my boyfriend. My one and only. My forever.

And to this day there isn't a moment when I don't think of him. And what could've been. If I had done something differently, who he still be here today? Standing by my side, holding my hand? Or would he still be gone?

I could waste the rest of my life asking these questions and never getting any answers. But maybe that was easier than accepting that he was gone.

One split second had been all it took to take him from me forever.

I remember standing in the hallway where he had died, and looking at the blood that stained the floor. His blood, that had kept him alive until that bullet pierced his flesh.

Mac had told me that he died quickly, that he hadn't suffered but part of me doubted that. He must have had a few seconds to realise that he was dying, that he would never get to say goodbye. And if that wasn't suffering then I didn't know what was.

I hadn't been with him in the last few hours before he died and that ate at me more than anything. If I had agreed to go to lunch than maybe he would have arrived on scene a few minutes later and he would still be alive. But I had said no to lunch because I was still mad at him for not letting me watch Law & Order: SVU the night before because he wanted to watch the game.

I hadn't been able to watch SVU ever since. Every time I tried to watch it all I could think of was getting mad at him and going to bed angry. And then arriving at the scene just as the corners van pull up. Seeing the look on Danny and Stella's faces. And Mac's when he had to tell me.

And then the funeral. That had been the worst. Seeing the casket being lowered into the ground had meant that he really was dead. That he was gone forever.

The first few weeks afterwards I had just stayed at home, using up all my vacation time because I wasn't ready to go back to work and face it all again. I didn't want to see any dead bodies because I knew every single one I saw would have his face.

The first Christmas without him had been spent at work. I didn't want to go back to our apartment and have to remember all the happy times. Instead I sat at my desk doing paperwork before heading home and eating a bowl of cold cereal for Christmas dinner.

Not long after that had come his birthday. That too was spent at work. As well as Valentines Day, Easter and my own birthday.

And now it was October again. The leaves had fallen from the trees and Halloween was approaching. One whole year since he had died. All his clothes and belongings that I still possessed had stopped smelling like him and it was like he had truly never existed. All I had left were photos and my memories.

I missed him more than anyone could imagine. Unless you have lost someone the way I did you will never truly understand how hard it is to have someone one minute and then not have them the next. The minute you wake up in the morning and for a moment you forget they are gone. You're happy again. But then it all comes crashing back down.

Or when you come home after a long day of work and you expect him to be inside watching the hockey game or cooking dinner. But then you push the door open and it's just you and your empty apartment.

Or even the days when your so busy you forget about everything and you think about how you can't wait to see him when you get home. And then the minute you remember he won't be there, you feel that pang in your heart.

And it seems a million times worse than any break up that leaves you with a broken heart because you can't give it a second try. There is no going back.

There comes a time when every life changes and goes off course. And for me that time had been when Don Flack died.

I stand here in the cemetery and look down at the headstone. Donald Flack Jr. January 15, 1978 - October 17, 2008.

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