So this is my second FF. It doesn't "exactly" leave off where the last one did, because we all know what happened in the finale and I find it hard to "undo" what already happened, so we will just take it from there and hope some good FF helps us survive the unbearable hiatus
It was back in its hiding spot. In a tiny powder blue box, tucked into the depths of a seldom-used drawer in her walk-in closet, covered by the scarves and winter hats. Every night for the last month before she went to sleep, she took it out and held it in the palm of her hand, just like she was doing now. Sometimes she took the two rings off and set them next to each other. Sometimes- almost daring herself- she would slip off Luke's ring, put it down on the vanity, and put on Deacon's ring "just to see if it still fit". She did this now.
Yup, Rayna told herself with a sigh. It still fits. Slowly, painfully, she took a ragged breath and slid it back off her finger.
Up until last year, that ring had been hidden there in that dark little corner for a good long time. She didn't even know why she'd kept it, all those years she was married to Teddy. And then after that accident, she had given it back to Deacon. And the little blue box was empty again.
But now, there were two rings.
Funny when you looked at those small shining circles right next to each other. One was flashy, expensive, a statement to show the world. It was an attention-getter, alright. The other one might not have been flashy or expensive, but it was solid silver, and it would be around for a long, long time. It HAD been around for a long, long time.
Kind of like Luke and Deacon if you put them side-by-side.
Yeah right. If they stood next to each other now, it would end with black eyes and broken bones for sure. Luke had always had a sore spot when it came to Deacon anyway. There'd be no more "good ole boy" slaps on the back between those two if he ever found out Deacon had made his move.
Deacon's words that night in the kitchen came back to her, the way they did often now when she was alone.
You and me, Ray. That's the way it's supposed to be. Maddie, and Daphne, and you and me.
She wanted to say no, that wasn't the way it was supposed to be. She was going to marry Luke Wheeler, and make a life with him, and finally let go of this ridiculous hold to the past Deacon had on her.
But the instant she looked into Deacon's his eyes, everything she'd been so sure of, everything she thought she wanted had been shaken up, and ever since that night she couldn't seem to make anything go back to the way it was before.
And that kiss, well, she still wasn't sure she was recovered from that and it had been a month ago. The man sure did know how to kiss. The kind of kisses that melted your bones, and turned your knees to jello, and sent the butterflies in your stomach swirling. Yes if there was one thing in the world Deacon Claybourne was good at besides picking a guitar and writing songs, it was getting a woman all hot and bothered.
Good grief. Her own dirty thoughts embarrassed her.
She groaned, and fell backwards onto the bed, burying her face in her hands. Then, tired of torturing herself, she put Deacon's ring back in that tiny blue box, and returned it to its hiding place. Luke's ring went into her jewelry box on the bureau, the safe-like one with a combination lock on it. You sure as hell didn't chance a 7 carat diamond getting knocked off the nightstand or left on the edge of the bathroom sink. The thing made her nervous. She didn't know how to tell Luke without hurting his feelings that a small simple diamond would have suited her just fine.
She had never been good about figuring out how to tell people how she felt.
That's what the stage was for.
With a sigh, she turned out the light and climbed into her bed. Alone. With no one but her restless dreams and her divided heart.
The next crisis hit Rayna when they were 50,000 feet in the air en route from Denver to Minneapolis.
"This is a disaster," she said to Luke over the phone. "I don't know what on earth I'm gonna do."
3 sold out arena shows in one weekend, and she was out a lead guitar player.
Luke's voice soothed her. "I'm sure you'll figure something out, Babe. Wish I could be there but I got this show in Seattle tonight, and then another tomorrow in Portland."
"I know," she sighed. "Something will work itself out. And we'll both be home in Nashville for the end of the month, right? I miss the girls so much. I can't wait."
"Yep. And then we can get down to the plannin' of this wedding business."
Rayna winced at the mention of that, because it was the absolute last thing on her mind right now. "We'll talk about that when we get home," she forced herself to sound cheerful. "I gotta go. Phone calls to make, guitar player to hunt up. Talk to you tomorrow, okay?"
"Sounds like a plan. Love you."
"Love you too."
She pressed the off button, and then turned to Bucky, who sitting across from her, going through his own contacts trying like hell to find someone to fill in.
"You got Adria on a plane to San Diego, right?"
"Yes. She was going to call and give me an update when she's coming back once she knows how bad that accident was."
"Good, let me know. I feel awful about her brother. Did you call Craig Drexell? Can he do it?"
"No, he's in Florida on vacation with his family."
"Well great," Rayna grumbled, running down the list of names in her book again, as Bucky did the same. What about Rich Thompson? Did you call Rich?"
"I did. He's on tour with Case Porter right now. Liam?"
"No way. He'd never do it, I'd rather NOT, and I think he's in Ireland anyway last I heard. We don't really…speak."
"What about borrowing Pete from Juliette for a weekend?"
"I can't make that guy play two sets, 3 nights in a row. That's crazy," Rayna shook her head. She and Juliette were back on tour together. It had been better than she ever imagined, being the boss of her own label, her own tour, her own life. The fans were loving it, and they were selling out almost every show. Signing Juliette had been a huge asset, she wasn't too proud to admit that now. It had been rocky at first, but all smooth sailing now. Mostly. Juliette definitely had her moments.
Bucky sighed. "Well I don't know who else to call. We're running out of options, and we have to be ready for sound check by 5 tomorrow afternoon."
Rayna bit her lip and quickly flipped through the pages again, then threw the book aside and started going through the contacts in her phone. There had to be someonewho owed her a favor. Problem was, almost every big name tour had just went out in the last month. It was the beginning of the season. And this was a huge show, she didn't want anyone who wasn't up to par.
She could tell what Bucky was thinking, even if he didn't say it out loud. The expression on his face said enough. Call Deacon.
"No!"
"Rayna, he knows all your songs," Bucky said patiently. "Hell, he wrote half of them. You know he'd say yes."
"I know he would," she grumbled. "That's what I'm afraid of."
Bucky raised his eyebrows. "So….what do you want me to do? I could see if Avery Barkley is available."
"No," she sighed. "Juliette would have a fit and I'm not in the mood to get into a …pissing match with her today. Go ahead and call Deacon and see if you can get him on a plane tomorrow morning."
"You don't want to….call him yourself?"
"Nope," she said firmly. "And make sure he knows it was your idea."
"Okay then. I'm on it." He went to a seat at the other end of the plane to make the call in private.
A few minutes later, Bucky came back. "It's all good. He said he'd do it. I'll get it set up. We can charter a plane so there won't be any worry about delays."
"Oh, Lord help me," Rayna muttered.
She tried to steer her mind towards everything else business and show related, but a little while later, as they were landing, a new msg buzzed on her phone. From Deacon.
I'll be there by 3 tomorrow. Got a surprise for you. You're gonna love it.
By the time the next morning came, Rayna was a wreck. Hardly slept all night- like anyone could in those uncomfortable hotel beds anyway. No matter how much you paid for a penthouse suite, the beds always sucked. She sat up all night, with a notebook in her hand, scratching her thoughts into lyrics on paper. And thinking. Way too much.
She'd forgot how lonely it was being on the road. Sitting in hotel rooms after shows by yourself, eating room service, and watching bad television. It wasn't the same as it had been 20 years ago, that was for sure, when it had been about singing and writing all night, and late night partying, among…other things. Not that she didn't love the excitement of the tour, and the fans, and the performances, but…it was always a high that ended quickly, and she came down from it a lot faster than she used to. Something was missing that made it like it used to be, she just couldn't figure out what it was yet.
Ugh, maybe I'm just getting old.
Anxiously she sat in a plastic chair and waited for the plane to arrive. Then she got up and paced. And sat again. And paced. And went to the window when they announced that the plane was landing.
She should have brought Juliette along, she thought, drumming her fingers on her knees anxiously. Or Emily. Supervision. Supervision would be good. They hadn't been alone together for as much as five minutes since that night in her kitchen.
"Mom!"
She'd never been more surprised in her life when Maddie and Daphne practically ran out of the landing gate. Deacon was close behind them, a huge smile on his face and a guitar case in his hand.
Oh, my poor heart. She clutched a hand over her chest, feeling a few tears gather in the corners of her eyes.
He had brought her babies.
"Surprise, mom!" The girls flew into her arms happily.
"Did you guess, did you guess?" Daphne jumped up and down, holding onto her arm.
"I did not," Rayna said with a delighted laugh. "Not one little bit!"
"It was Deacon's idea," Maddie added, turning to give her father an admiring look. "He even talked to Dad about it."
She wondered how in the hell he had gotten Teddy to agree to that one.
"And they were nice to each other," Daphne had to add importantly.
Deacon hung back a little, giving them their reunion. But he could see it in her face as she hugged them tightly, how much it meant to have them there. He hadn't brought them because he was trying to score points. He brought them because they missed her, and he knew it would make her happy. And that, in turn, made him happy.
She might have been the Reigning Queen of Country Music, but she was a mama first.
Over their heads, he could read her eyes. Thank you.
First thing he noticed was that she was still wearing that obnoxious 7 karat ring, and that stung a little. He'd been keeping a safe distance since everything happened. Giving her time. Not wanting to be that guy that forced her to make a decision.
But he'd waited 14 years. He guessed he could wait a little longer.
He knew her better than anyone. And the look on her face that night when he'd pressed that ring into her hand, he knew. They were gonna be together. She might not be sure of it yet, but he was.
Her impulsive hug surprised him. Her arms around his neck. Her voice next to his ear. "Thank you," she murmured. "You will never know how much this means." It was quick, and then she let go.
But damn, if that didn't hit him right in the heart.
She turned away quickly, and back to her girls.
"Well, this is definitely the best surprise ever," Rayna said firmly. "What do you girls wanna do? I have a few hours before I have to go to rehearsal and start getting ready. We can get checked into the hotel, get something to eat, maybe? I'm so excited y'all are here!" She hugged them again.
Deacon loved watching the three of them together, couldn't hide the grin from his face. To see Rayna and the girls happy was everything to him. He lived every day now for those three smiles.
"Sounds good, I'm starving," Daphne said.
Deacon turned away, to gather up his stuff and hung back a little. Give em their space, give em their time.
Rayna looked back over her shoulder at him, both her arms slung around her girls. "You comin?"
"Nah, I got to get over to the arena and run through stuff with the band," he said. "I got a car picking me up. But I'll catch up with you girls later."
"You sure?" She asked tentatively.
"Yep," he said with a smile. "Have fun. See you in the front row."
"Bye, Dad." Maddie hugged him.
"Bye Uncle Deacon," Daphne jumped up for a hug and a hi-five. "Thanks for bringing us. And letting us drink coffee on the plane like big people."
"Shhhh," he winked. "You're not supposed to tell your mama that!"
Rayna laughed and rolled her eyes.
And the three of them walked away together arm in arm while he watched. With a sigh and a smile he sat down and waited for his ride. He pulled a tattered notebook out of his bag and started writing the lyrics that had been floating around in his head all day.
The best songs didn't always come from broken hearts. Sometimes they came from finding out you still had one that worked.
Maddie was super excited to get to watch the show from their front row seats. Having famous parents was sometimes a pain, but times like this, it was awesome. People thought they got to do this stuff all the time, but her mom was all about the homework and hanging out with their friends, "not famous people", so it was still really fun when they got to do it.
"I can't believe we got to meet Carter Franklin," Daphne said excitedly. "My friends are going to be sooooo jealous."
Maddie rolled her eyes like it was no big deal, but she was excited too. And besides, Carter was super cute. She may have had a tiny crush on him. "He's lucky. He's the same age as me, and he doesn't have three parents telling him he's "too young" to have a record deal. He's like….going to be famous before he can drive."
"You are too young," Daphne said importantly. "Besides, I don't want you to get signed and go out on tour."
"Oh, and why not?" Maddie crossed her arms and scowled.
"Because then you'll get famous and leave me."
Maddie felt real bad then, because she knew she hadn't been the best sister in the last few months. It was getting easier, but things were still hard, and she was still sorting out her feeling about everything. She wanted her mom to be happy. She wanted her dad to be happy too. The problem was: she wanted them to be happy "together". And now her mom was marrying Luke Wheeler. "I would never do that," she said, putting an arm around her little sister. "Because sisters are forever, right?"
Daphne got a little smile on her face. "Right."
"And besides," Maddie added with a wink. "I'd bring you along. Someone has to sing backup for me."
Daphne pointed and jumped up and down excitedly. "Look, here comes Mom and Deacon!"
It had been a really long time since Maddie saw them play together on stage. The last time, well maybe a few years ago, she thought it had been. Before the accident. Before Deacon started playing for Juliette. As Maddie watched them now, the implication of the genes she'd been given really started to hit her. Half from a famous singer, and half from a world class guitar player. That was an awful lot of fame to live up to. Maybe her mom's words from that conversation awhile ago made a little more sense. I don't want you to have to live up to that pressure, Maddie. I want you to know it's because you're talented, and not because of who your parents are.
Still, she vowed as she watched her mom and dad bring the house down one song at a time. That's gonna be me someday. She looked down at her little sister. Maybe they were right though, waiting a few years wouldn't be so bad. Being with your family was nice too. But she'd never admit it out loud.
"This is kind of weird, right?" Maddie said to her sister as she watched them.
"What you mean?" Daphne asked.
Maddie rolled her eyes. The kid was only 10, of course she wouldn't get it.
"The way they look at each other," Maddie said impatiently.
Daphne studied her mom on the stage, and her sister's dad. It was kind of confusing sometimes now. She still called him Uncle Deacon, but Maddie called him Dad. She liked Deacon a lot. He was nice to her, and he was gonna teach her to play the guitar now, just like Maddie. Her dad even said it was ok. But Luke was nice too. She didn't know what he would be called if her mom married him. That was an awful lot of dads. Maybe too many. "Yeah," she said. "I guess."
"Did you ever see her look at Luke like that?"
"I don't think so," Daphne said troubled. "Is that bad?"
"No," Maddie said with a smile, happier than she had felt in a long time. "I think it's very, very good."
The show was explosive. The crowd was crazy, and crazier still even when they realized what a surprise they were getting: Rayna Jaymes and Deacon Claybourne back onstage together for the first time in years.
She was nervous, being out there with him playing next to her again, but it was amazing.
Rayna couldn't even let herself think, she could only feel. It was like it used to be, but 10x better. The fast songs were hotter, the slow songs were sweeter. Before switching to the new stuff, they had thrown some old songs into the set list. They were the songs her and Deacon written together years ago, and the magic was definitely still there. She forgot about everything else, the two rings, the worries about the label, even the crowd.
She just let herself sing what she felt. And let Deacon give her the looks that melted her bones. And maybe she shot a couple of her own his way too.
She never wanted it to end.
My god, she thought after the lights when out and they came off the stage, Deacon's hand on her shoulder. Three nights in a row like this, and I'm definitely going to need a week to recover.
Apparently everyone else noticed too, because when they got backstage, Bucky was waiting.
With raised eyebrows.
"Hey, Buck," Deacon said easily and breezed past him. "Nice to see ya. Thanks for getting me here."
"You too," he said dryly. "Thanks for filling in." He looked at the two of them like a disapproving parent.
Deacon just grinned a cat-ate-the-canary smile and walked away.
As soon as he was out of earshot, Bucky said. "Well. Now I know why you didn't want me to call him. That was…interesting."
Rayna had the grace to blush.
"Oh come on, Buck, it's just a show, right? You know we gotta make it look good on stage," she said lightly.
"Yeah," he said, clearly not believing a word of it. "Just a show."
If that was true, he had some oceanfront property for sale in Oklahoma.
The girls had been sent back to the hotel with her and Juliette's assistant Emily, while Rayna disassembled herself and took a few minutes to unwind. She kept waiting for Deacon to appear in her doorway, but he never did.
Then unable to stand it any longer, she went looking for him backstage, accepting congratulations everywhere she went for "the best show of the year".
"Hey, uh, have you seen Deacon anywhere?" She asked her drummer casually.
He shrugged. "I think he left already."
"Oh," she tried to hide her disappointment. "Okay, thanks."
She snagged her driver to take her back to the hotel, and headed back to her suite, feeling a little blue to be alone after the extreme highs of the night. She stuck her key in the door of the suite and opened it up to hear laughter.
Three sets of very distinct laughter.
Deacon had beat her there. He was there with Emily and the girls, who were eating ice cream sundaes in their pajamas.
"Hey, there's your mama now," he said when she walked into the room, giving her a huge smile. "Some show, huh? You brought the house down for sure."
"Yeah, Mom, it was great," the girls chimed in. "You guys were awesome, people were going crazy!"
"Well thank you," Rayna said with a smile, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach at the sight of him, thinking the fact that out of all the things he could be doing after that crazy show, he'd chosen to come here first, to her kids. Once, she had thought it would be this way all the time. Playing shows, coming home to their family waiting. It was so close now…and yet so far away. "Sorry I'm so late. Took awhile to get everything settled up for the night, and I had to do a couple interviews."
"Well, I just came down to tell the girls goodnight," Deacon said. "So I'm gonna get out of here."
"Well that was….nice of you," she forced a smile.
She watched them inundate him with hugs, and then he gave her a wink, and turned to leave.
"Wait," she said before she could change her mind. "I'll walk you back upstairs."
The surprise was evident on his face. "Uh….okay."
They didn't say a word walking through the halls. Not touching.
He didn't even have to touch her. She was a foot away from him, and she felt like she'd touched an electric fence.
Outside his hotel room door, he waited before going in, waited for her to say whatever it was that was clearly on her mind. He could tell something was, just the way she fidgeted.
He'd always known Rayna better than anyone else. He was the only one who could call bullshit when she said "I'm fine" and she was lying. He knew when she wasn't fine.
"You got something on your mind, Ray?"
"Oh, I don't know," she said with a sigh. "A lot. That was a really good show."
"It was," he said with a smile. "Really good. Like old times."
She laughed softly. "Not quite like old times."
"Yeah. Good thing we got supervision now," Deacon said with a grin. Back in the day, the shows they played, it never failed to end with them running off the stage to practically rip each other's clothes off. More than once it had ended in an empty storage closet or the back of a car because well, a hotel was just too far to wait. They'd been good, Rayna and him. Better than good, in more ways than one. Goddamn amazing. Even after she married Teddy, and he had to accept that she wasn't his anymore, she was always his onstage.
Rayna couldn't hide a smile. "Yeah. Good thing. Thanks for bringing the girls this weekend," she said softly. "Really. You have no idea how much that meant to me."
He nodded. "I don't want you to think I did it because…you know, I had an ulterior motive. Maddie came to stay with me last weekend, and she seemed like she missed you."
"Its good having them here. Wish I didn't have three more months left on this tour. But we get a little time off at the end of this month."
He caught his hands up in hers, entangling their fingers, knowing he shouldn't even touch her because he wanted her so badly.
And somehow her mouth found his first. Tentatively, sweetly. Just like he remembered. She wanted him just as much. He could feel it radiate off of them, like a slow burn.
"You gotta go," he murmured between kisses.
"Why?" she whispered. "Why do I always have to go?"
With a sigh, he took her face in his hands and kissed her once more. Then he unwound her arms from his neck, and found her hands once more. "This is why," he said softly. He held her hand between them. The one with Luke's ring on it. "When you're ready to take that off…I'll be here. Until then…well, you know…I guess you're not mine, are you?"
Her eyes blurred with tears, because she knew he was right in a way, and yet so very wrong. Part of her would always be his. She just…didn't know what to do with that. She quickly swiped her tears away and forced herself to step away from him.
"Good night, Deacon," she said, regained her composure. "Thanks for filling in."
"No problem."
He turned to go into his room, and she turned to leave.
"Hey Deacon?"
He looked over his shoulder.
"Yeah?"
"We're going to go check out that big mall tomorrow," she said quietly. "The one with the rollercoasters. I promised the girls. Would you like to come with us?"
His smile couldn't have gotten any bigger. "I'd like that."
One step in the right direction. One step at a time.
It was so much fun to order room service the next morning with the girls and have breakfast in bed. Rayna picked up the local newspaper on the breakfast cart and thumbed through it. Then she put down the paper and opened her laptop.
"So I called the spa downstairs," she said to Daphne, who was lounging in an oversized hotel bathrobe and stuffing her face with chocolate covered strawberries. "And they're gonna send some people up in a little while to do pedicures, wont that be fun? And then we will go check out this fabulous mall I keep hearing about. "
"Yeah!"
"Mom?" Maddie asked, from where she was sitting on the sofa, engrossed in her phone as always. "Deacon wants to know what time we're leaving. Is he coming with us?"
"Yes," she said carefully. "I asked him if he wanted to spend the day with us. Is that alright?"
"Yeah, that's great," Maddie said, brightening. "What time should I tell him?"
"Oh, I don't know, just tell him to come down around noon," Rayna said absently as she scanned the online news reports on her laptop, looking through familiar sites for a review of the show last night. She needed all the positive reviews she could get.
Oh good lord. There was a review alright. And it was positive….positively comparing them to a modern day Johnny and June, talking about them sexing it up onstage. And a nice big old picture of them slinking up to each other. The magic is back in Rayna James show, it said across the top.
She clicked the X and closed up the sight quickly. Embarrassing! Oh god, if Luke saw that….
Guilt hit her smack between the eyes, as she was sitting there thinking this very thought, and her phone buzzed next to her, with a picture of Luke's face on it.
"Hey, sugar," his deep voice through the phone. "How was the show last night? Did you get that mess all figured out?"
"Oh, it was great," she said cheerfully. "Really, really…great. It's all good. How was yours?"
"Would been better if you were here. But it was alright."
"Yeah….oh, the girls are here," she said casually. "Isn't that great?"
"What, really?" Luke said with a laugh. "Well that's a nice surprise. Teddy bring them out?"
"Ummmm…. no," she said carefully. "Actually…Deacon did."
A long silent pause. That was never a good thing. "Luke? You still there?"
"Deacon is there?" he said levelly.
"Well….yes. I mean he's here, but not…here with us. now." All her words seemed to be coming out in a big old mess. "Just here for the shows."
"He came all the way out to Minneapolis for you to be able to see your kids? Well isn't that just the nicest thing ever."
She winced. Luke had a weird calmness when he was angry. He didn't yell or fight, he just got real quiet and severe. She had never decided if that was a good or a bad thing yet. She always wondered what came after that part.
"No," she said. "He came because Adria had a family emergency and I needed a guitar player. It's just three shows this weekend, and she'll be back I guess."
"So hes playing with you. Onstage." Luke said in a low voice.
"Don't get upset Luke, I told you it's just…doing me a favor. I mean, that's why I'm telling you. Because it's no big deal, and I want you to know."
"Yeah well that better be all he's doing." There was an edge to his voice in that comment.
She didn't like it.
"He brought my kids," she said, feeling a little defensive. "It was a nice thing to do. We're friends, you know that. And parents of the same child."
"Yeah, real nice," he muttered.
"Listen," she said softly. "I'll be home in a few weeks. And you will too. We can talk then."
"You bet. I look forward to it. Missin me some sugar. "
"I miss you too," she said.
She ended the call, and tried to put the worries behind her. A great day with her family was ahead. No time for tears, or worrying about the future. Ever since that accident she had told herself every day to live in the moment.
And that was exactly what she was going to do.
"I don't know, Dad," Maddie said as they got out of the SUV in front of the most ridiculously giant mall any of them had ever seen. "Are you sure you're ready for this? Braving the mall with three girls?"
Deacon smirked. "Can't be worse than anything I put up with from your mom or Juliette."
"Hey now!" Rayna laughed, and reached over and smacked him on the arm.
Daphne was jumping up and down, holding onto his hand. "It's a good thing you're here," Daphne said importantly. "Because Mom and Maddie do NOT want to go on that rollercoaster and I want to ride it sooooo bad. "
"Well, we better get to it, then. Gotta ride that coaster."
The roller coaster ride could be called a success. Rayna thought the girls would die laughing when the little picture at the booth came back.
"Dad, you made that face on purpose." Maddie said with a knowing smile as they examined it.
"No, I was really scared," Deacon insisted with a straight face.
"I wasn't!" Daphne exclaimed. "Let's do it again."
"Again!?" he said. "Are you trying to kill me? "
"No, it was fun!"
"Alright, ok, ok. Maybe we can get Maddie to go with us. And your mama." He looked at the two of them expectantly.
Maddie looked like she could be swayed, but Rayna no way.
"Oh no," she said, putting her hands up. "No way are you getting me on that thing."
"Mom," Maddie sighed. "You are the world's biggest chicken."
"Yes, I am," she said firmly. "And I'm very proud of that fact. Now you go on and go and I will stay right here on solid ground and enjoy the looks on your faces when you whizz by on that big camera thing over there."
In the end they did coax Maddie into going, and she admitted it "wasn't so bad." But Rayna could not be swayed.
She loved watching the three of them have fun together, though. And him. She found herself watching Deacon. His actions, his expressions, the way he was with the girls, all day. He was different. At ease. He had always been at ease with them, but it seemed like he was more comfortable with himself now, and who he was. She'd never really believed people changed much from the roots of where they started, but in the last year he had busted that theory wide open.
So she asked him. As they stood off to the side watching the girls pump quarters into the machines in the video arcade, both wearing shiny new pairs of boots he'd bought them.
"You're different," she said quietly. "What is it that changed you? Was it Maddie? Was it…me? The accident?" She thought about his speech that day at the benefit, about not defining people by their past. Way too much in both of their lives had been defined by the past.
Deacon didn't looked surprised to hear her say that. "I told you I was," he said, laughing softly. "You didn't believe me, huh?"
She sighed. "It's hard to believe people change, you know?" She wanted in her heart to believe it so badly, that he could be the man he swore he was. It hurt to doubt him, but it wasn't just her life in the mix anymore. It was her kids' too.
Deacon nodded, not looking at her, just watching the girls. "You remember what you said that day at the crash site? When you gave me the ring back?"
She remembered. I think we both need to save ourselves now. "Yes," she said. "I remember."
"You were right," he said simply. "I needed to save myself before anything else. "There used to be these…demons," he said. "Always two steps behind me, waiting there if I screwed up. But they're gone now. I don't know exactly when or why, or what moment…they just aren't there anymore. It's not like anything is perfect, but…it's good. I've learned a lot about finding…different ways to deal with things. Like disappointment," he said with a smile. It was a sad smile around the edges.
Her. He meant her. Because he loved her and there was still another man's ring on her finger.
Rayna had to soak that in for a minute. All those dreams they'd had once came flooding back to her. It was all there. She just…was so scared to let herself hope for any of that again. If it failed, she didn't know how any of them would ever get over it. And they would still have to be Maddie's parents no matter what happened. They would always have Maddie between them. She tied the very fiber of their lives together.
There was this feeling you got, when you were so close to everything you wanted. It was kind of like that rollercoaster ride right before you were waiting to go over the edge of the first hill. Terrifying. What if you dropped, and you didn't go back up the other side? What if you just kept falling?
She didn't know if it was worth the risk.
"You're a good father, Deacon," she said softly. "I just wanted you to know that. Whatever happens…with us."
"Thanks," he said, reaching for her hand. "That means a lot. I'm trying real hard, you know? To do things….right."
"I know." She felt like he wasn't just talking about Maddie anymore.
She definitely knew. The more she knew, the harder the choice she knew she had to make was getting in her mind. It was time to put on her big-girl pants and give back one of those rings.
"Uh oh," he laughed at the expression on her face. "I know that look. Trouble."
"You know what?" She said, determined, threading her arm through his. "Let's go." She waved the girls over.
"Go where?"
"I'm gonna ride that damn rollercoaster, Deacon Claybourne. And you're comin' with me."