Disclaimer - The Mentalist belongs to Bruno Heller and CBS. Not me. Obviously.

A/N - Hello again, my wonderful readers! Here I am with another story, and it's one that's already been done to death, I'm afraid. I know everyone's excited about the upcoming finale, but until it arrives, may I please present to you my humble attempt to get Jane and Lisbon together a little sooner. Let's all hope the finale lives up to all the hints and expectations surrounding it, but for now, please enjoy my little attempt to give our favourite pair a helpful push in the right direction.

~ Good and Drunk ~

Jane couldn't sleep.

No matter how hard he tried, and no matter how many ridiculous methods he used to try to drop off, he just couldn't seem to manage it tonight.

Which, he thought idly to himself as he stared up at the ceiling of his Airstream, wasn't really that unusual for an insomniac like himself. In fact, Jane had probably spent far more night-time hours awake in the last ten years that he had asleep. Obsession, guilt, even nightmares had combined over the years to make sure that any rest at all had to be well fought for. He had to admit though - even if only to himself - that he had hoped that now that Red John was out of the picture, he would find sleep much easier to come by.

That, it had turned out, was sadly not the case.

Jane sighed deeply and without relief, closing his eyes briefly as he rolled over for what must be the hundredth time tonight. If anything, the truth was that he probably had just as much to worry about now as he had back then as well. It was a different kind of worry, sure, but worry nonetheless.

When he'd first arrived at the CBI ten years ago, he'd just lost his first chance at a family. He'd been a mess, there was no doubt about it; he'd been hell-bent on revenge and not too bothered about how he achieved it. Now, after his first few months at the FBI, it seemed set that he was about to lose his second family as well.

It had always just been the five on them; him, Grace, Rigsby, Cho and of course Lisbon. They'd been a family - an unconventional one, sure - but a family nonetheless. And then slowly that family had separated and deteriorated back into their separate lives again. Rigsby and Grace, along with Ben and Maddy, were their own family, and Cho…well, Cho was making the FBI his own. If he wasn't leading a team by this time next year, Jane would seriously start to question Abbot's sanity.

And Lisbon…

Lisbon was clearly ready to start making a family for herself too.

Jane sighed again, trying in vain to forget the look on Lisbon's face when he'd gone round tonight with the cannoli, only to find Pike there with her instead. Jane forced the image to the back of his mind as best he could, but quickly gave up on the idea of sleep. He swung his legs out of his bed and glanced at the clock, slightly annoyed that it was only 2am. He wasn't going to get any sleep though, that much was certain. Because even if he was somehow able to stop his mind from brooding about his own loneliness long enough to drop off, he knew that his dreams would be inundated with images of Lisbon and Pike snuggled together on the couch, eating the cannoli he'd gotten for her.

I want you to be happy, he'd said, and he'd meant every word.

But she was choosing Pike. And damn it, a large part of him wanted her to.

Pike was the safe choice, the choice that would give her the life she deserved. Because Jane knew that as sad as he was about losing her, she deserved to be happy. And if that meant being with someone else, being somewhere far away from him, then so be it.

The thought felt bitter and painful in Jane's brain but he stubbornly stuck by it. He hated himself for thinking it, and at the same time he hated himself for wanting the opposite. It was the ultimate Catch 22, and no matter how he looked at the situation, Jane knew he was going to lose out, because he honestly couldn't see a way for Lisbon to stay here with him without it making her miserable.

Pike was the man who could give her the life she deserved, the man she had chosen to be her new family, and although Jane hated the truth in that particular thought, he couldn't deny it.

What he needed, Jane realised as he rubbed a hand tiredly over his face, was to stop thinking altogether. In fact, it was the only way he could see himself getting through the next few hours before work without having a breakdown.

Well, that settled it, he decided after a moment's consideration, dragging himself off the bed and moving towards his wardrobe with the intent of getting dressed as quickly as possible.

He would stop thinking.

Well, first he would get dressed, then he would drive over to the nearest store open at this time in the morning, then he would buy a ridiculous amount of alcohol, then he would get drunk off his ass, and then he would stop thinking.

It was stupid, he knew it was, but maybe it was time for him to be a bit stupid. He'd been smart all his life, and look where it had got him.

Jane shook himself violently, plan firmly fixed in his mind, and set about getting ready, all the while thinking that Lisbon was going to be pissed when he didn't turn up for work in the morning for what might well be her few days in Austin.

She probably wouldn't miss him, he thought bitterly, not really. Might as well start to get used it.

It took until 3.03am before Jane was drunk enough for his brain to start to feel numb and disconnected from his body. By 4am, he couldn't remember why he'd started drinking in the first place, and by 6.30am, he could barely remember his own name.

Good.

With his heartbeat pounding loudly in his ears, Jane staggered out of the door to his Airstream, the cool air sobering him up slightly, but certainly not enough to stop him from wandering over to the FBI building, which thankfully was not a long walk. The buzz of the alcohol was way past the point of pleasantness now, and apart from constantly suppressing the urge to throw up, only three thoughts continued to reverberate around his whiskey-addled brain. One: Lisbon was probably going to move to D.C. Two: Jane didn't want Lisbon to move to D.C. Three: He wanted to pass out on a real couch.

So much for not thinking…

Since he couldn't do anything about one and two, Jane had decided the least he could do was accomplish problem three. Which meant breaking into the FBI building at 6.30am, in spite of being so drunk that his limbs weren't working properly.

Meh, Jane thought drunkenly. Easy.

And, as it turned out, it was.

After dodging the security guards and avoiding all the agents who had obviously pulled all-nighters at the office, Jane finally staggered over to his couch and collapsed on top of it face down. He couldn't help but think, as he lay there with his head spinning uncomfortably, that maybe this was the stupidest thing he'd done in a while. The buzz from the alcohol was already starting to wear off, and despite his best efforts, he still hadn't managed to stop thinking about how screwed up everything was.

At least it had confirmed one thing; Lisbon definitely deserved better than him.

God, the only reason she had moved to Austin at all was because she'd been a term of his contract with them. No matter what happened to her career at the FBI from here on in, that would always be the case. Lisbon wouldn't escape the mutterings every time she got a promotion, no matter how much she had earned it by her own hard work and dedication. He had pigeon-holed her, and all because of his selfish desires to have her close to him.

Somewhere in the back of his cloudy mind, Jane suddenly wanted to say sorry to her.

Without thinking too much about how stupid this was going to be as well, Jane fished his phone out of his pocket and scrolled down until he found Lisbon's number. He managed to sit up once the phone started ringing, but it did little to make him comfortable, although the alcohol was doing a reasonable job of numbing his body to the point where it didn't really matter.

"Hello?"

"Lisbon, I'm sorry," Jane mumbled without preamble.

"Jane?"

"I'm sorry, Lisbon," he repeated, his words slurred. "I screwed up and I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're leaving and I'm sorry for wanting you to go."

"Jane…what are you talking about?" she asked, and she sounded panicky to Jane's practised ears. "Where are you?"

"Couch," he muttered in reply. "Not as good as my old one…"

"Are you drunk, Jane?"

"I hope so," he replied. "I just…wanted to say sorry. For messing up."

"When did you mess up?"

"Always mess up," he mumbled. "I'm just a messer-upperer. Pike's not. Pike doesn't mess up."

"Jane…"

"I killed Red John, and I'm not sorry for that," Jane rambled, his words almost slurring into one. "Not at all, but Lisbon, I killed him. I did that. I know I'm not a good person, I know that, and Lisbon, you deserve someone good. You always have."

"Jane…"

"Pike's good."

"Pike's an idiot," she replied.

"Pike is an idiot," Jane agreed drunkenly, her words not really registering in his whiskey-soaked mind. "But he's also good."

"You're an idiot too, Jane," she replied irritably, though even drunk, Jane could tell that she wasn't really angry with him.

Jane closed his eyes. "I'm sorry, Lisbon. I really am, but D.C.'s a stupid place, and you really will be bored there. And I don't want you to go, even though you should."

"You should be sorry," she said. "Anyway, for your information, me and Pike are no longer me and Pike. Thanks for that, by the way."

She didn't sound too upset, Jane couldn't help but think, although that didn't really make sense even in his drunk mind. Strange…

"I don't know what that means," Jane mumbled. "My brain's all fuzzy, Lisbon. And I feel sick. And this couch is lumpy…"

"Just stay there, Jane," Lisbon ordered. "I'm on my way."

"Kay," he replied, though her words barely registered with him. "You should bring the cannoli back too. I don't want you to have them if you're going to share with Pike."

"I'm not going to, Jane," she replied, clearly annoyed, although Jane found that with all the alcohol running through his system, it was difficult to care. "Will you listen to what I'm trying to tell you? He-"

All Jane could think though, as Lisbon continued to talk, was that his head was spinning so fast that it was beginning to make him feel dizzy and sick in equal measures, and that maybe the time had come for him to finally pass out on the couch.

"Goodnight…Lisbon," he mumbled, before allowing the phone to drop through his fingers, and letting the darkness finally claim him.

A hard kick to his shins woke him up about half an hour later, although his mind took a lot longer than usual to catch up to what was going on. Jane's head pounded in rhythm to his beating heart, and his mouth tasted dry and weird. Apart from the sudden pain in his leg though – which was clear and sharp and painful – Jane couldn't help but feel confused. What was going on, and why did his head feel fuzzy…?

"You really are an idiot!"

"Hmm?" he mumbled, swallowing hard. He blinked his eyes open, but grimaced when sunlight glared at him. When had it become morning? "Lisbon? That you?"

"What the hell were you thinking, Jane?" Lisbon continued, and Jane got the distinct impression that she was purposefully speaking louder in order to annoy him. He wished she wouldn't; he already felt like he had a marching band performing loudly between his ears.

"I wasn't thinking," Jane slurred eventually, the words coming less easily than he would have liked. He groaned and buried his head further into the couch, intent upon blocking out the sun altogether.

"That much is obvious," she said, frowning down on him. "Try to sit up. I'll get you some water."

She sounded mad, so Jane decided to do as he was told despite his urge to crawl into a hole and never come out. He didn't remember much about the last few hours, but that fact that he stunk of whiskey probably had a lot to do with why he felt like crap.

"Here," Lisbon said when she returned, handing over the glass of water. He took it without complaint, his eyes still closed against the sun as he downed the water like a man dying of thirst.

"Where am I?" Jane asked hoarsely after a long moment, finally opening his eyes and squinting around the area.

"How much did you drink?" Lisbon asked incredulously.

"A lot," Jane mumbled, his words still slurred. Despite the severe lapses in his memory, that much he did know. "Still little drunk now, I think. Am I least wearing clothes?"

"What?" she frowned, looking adorably flustered in Jane's opinion.

"Am I wearing clothes?" he repeated with a slur, squinting up at her.

"Yes," Lisbon replied with a frown.

"That's okay, then," Jane replied. "Could be worse."

She got angry then. "Worse?! Jane you passed out drunk after breaking into the FBI. How could it be worse?"

"Could be naked as well," Jane shrugged somewhat drunkenly. "I'm in the FBI building?"

She glared at him. "Yes. And it's almost seven now, which means that Abbott will be here in about five minutes."

"No he won't."

"Yes, he will – "

"No, he won't," Jane interrupted firmly with a shake of his head. He nodded behind her. "He's already here."

"What – ?" Lisbon turned round and then promptly paled when she saw her intimidating boss marching towards them. Someone must have already given him a heads up, Jane thought idly, because he looked mad...

"Lisbon, Jane," Abbott began, standing with his arms crossed beside the couch. Lisbon stood straighter, and Jane couldn't help but think that she looked ready to salute him. Had he been less drunk, he might have joined her.

"I've had about ten calls in the last hour about you, Jane," Abbott stated, anger, amusement and disbelief all fighting for prominence in his eyes. "Something about breaking in to the FBI at night and skulking around like a hobo." He frowned deeply and stared down at Jane. "You're drunk, aren't you?"

"Actually, I'm only a little bit drunk now," Jane slurred, gesturing wildly with his hands in Abbott's general direction. "So no need to get mad…"

"Jane," Lisbon hissed. "Shut up."

"Get him cleaned up," Abbott ordered Lisbon, ignoring Jane. "I want him out of here before he causes any more trouble." Finally, he turned to Jane, and he couldn't help but feel the odd urge to run away. "Be back here tomorrow bright and early and on time for once, and if I so much as smell a drop of alcohol on you again, I'll have you both out of here so fast, you won't even have time to say 'unfair'."

"Got it, boss," Lisbon said, ignoring Jane altogether. "Won't happen again."

"See that it doesn't," Abbott replied sternly before turning around to glare at the rest of his agents. Jane knew he must still be drunk, because he hadn't even noticed the audience that had gathered. "Back to work everyone. Show's over."

"Ha," Jane mumbled eventually, as everyone began to make their way back to their desks. "The show's never over when there's a Jane involved."

"Come on then, wonderboy," she said with a roll of her eyes. He could tell she was still angry, but Jane had spent the better part of last night brooding over her, so he was a little angry too. "Let's get you back to your trailer."

"But I'm comfy here," he whined, sounding pathetically like a child even to his own ears. He continued regardless. "The seating in the Airstream isn't very comfy. I like this couch better. S'not as good as my old couch though..."

"Up, Jane," Lisbon barked, the anger back in full force. "Now. Or so help me, I will make you."

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied, trying for nonchalance but probably coming across as more pathetic than anything else.

He slowly pulled himself up of the couch, but wobbled when he tried to stand on his own two feet. Lisbon grabbed at his arm though to keep him steady, and he was glad for the help for once because his head was pounding so hard that he wasn't sure he could even take one step without falling over.

"Come on, Jane," Lisbon said softly, and she sounded so kind that Jane did his best to follow her lead.

It took them twice as long as it should have done to arrive back at Jane's Airstream, and by the time they did, Jane was ready to crawl back into that hole again.

"Head hurts, Lisbon," he mumbled as she guided him through to door.

"I know, Jane," she replied. "Look, why don't you take a shower and freshen up a bit. I'll see if I can find you some aspirin."

"Top draw, right side," he muttered, before taking her advice.

He took the longest shower of his life, and ended up staying in for an extra five minutes even after all the hot water had run out. By the time Jane was dried off and in clean clothes, he felt much better, though the fuzziness in his brain still suggested that the alcohol was still swimming through his system. Maybe he needed to sleep it off…

"Jane, you done?" Lisbon called from the kitchen area.

"Yeah," he mumbled in reply, reluctantly making his way away from his bed and towards her. She deserved another apology he supposed. God, he was such a mess.

"Lisbon, I'm – "

"Shut up, Jane," she interrupted. "Sit down, take these, and most of all, shut up for once in your life."

"Okay," he mumbled, taking the pills from her and swallowing them dry. He slowly made his way over to the small seating area, and sat beside her. He suddenly felt the urge to run again, but Lisbon deserved much better than that. He sighed instead. "What's up?"

"What's up!?" she retorted angrily. "You got drunk off your ass and broke into the FBI. What the hell possessed you? Was life just too boring for you here? Had to just spice it up a bit, piss a few more people off–? "

"No," he replied sullenly.

"What then, Jane?" she challenged. "What made you think that getting drunk was a good idea – "

"You did," he replied quietly, closing his eyes as he waiting for the aspirin to work.

"What?"

"You made me think it was a good idea," Jane replied tiredly, his head still swimming. "Or rather, you and Pike did – "

"There is no me and Pike," she replied. "You've already made sure of that."

"What?"

"Those damn cannoli," she sighed angrily. Lisbon turned away from him, but Jane kept his gaze fixed on her. What the hell was she on about...?

"I…I don't understand," he muttered.

And he didn't. He really had no clue what was going on for once, and it was not an experience he was particularly enjoying. It sounded, though, like Lisbon and Pike had broken up, but that couldn't be true. It just couldn't...

"I broke up with him," she told him, finally turning back to meet his gaze.

"What? Why?" Jane didn't know whether to be happy, sad, upset or angry at the news. In the end, he settled for confused, mainly because his alcohol soaked brain wasn't really up to much more than that.

"Because of you, Jane," Lisbon replied angrily, tears building in her eyes. "Because you brought me those damn cannoli."

"Cannoli…" Jane was tired and still a little drunk, and his brain just couldn't catch up.

"I was going to tell you today," Lisbon replied quietly, fiddling with a loose thread on her jumper. "Me going to D.C… it just wasn't going to work."

"Why?" Jane asked, almost holding his breath.

"Because I don't want to be in D.C.," she replied, turning away from him again. Jane, however, wasn't going to let this go until he understood what the hell was going on.

"Why?" he asked again, half-afraid of the answer.

"Because I want to stay here," she told him, and Jane couldn't help but feel like she was punishing him by keeping her answers short and lacking in any useful information. He probably deserved it.

"Why?" he asked regardless. "Why would you want to stay here? Pike is – "

"An idiot," she finished sadly. "He was nice and he treated me well, but he pushed too hard about starting a new life away from here. Looking back on it, I think he must have known."

"Known what?"

"Known what was keeping me here," she replied, turning back to face him. "Known why I could never leave."

"Why?" Jane asked once more, his heart thudding in his chest. "Why could you never leave?"

"Because I love someone else," Lisbon told him, eyes never leaving his. "And despite how much of an idiot that someone else is, I can't imagine ever loving anyone else. I tried to get over him, I really did. I did everything I could to move on, but then he came round to my house in the middle of the night and brought me cannoli."

"Lisbon…"

But she was done playing now, and Jane couldn't prevent a tendril of apprehension from rising up in him.

"Why did you bring me cannoli, Jane?" she asked, a challenge dancing in her eyes. Jane, even drunk, had always loved a challenge, but this was seemed to have too much riding on it.

"Because I…I want you to be happy," he answered finally, hoping in spite of himself that she wouldn't push it. He wasn't sure if he was ready, which was probably the most selfish thought he had ever had, and yet he could no more deny it than he could stop breathing. He was scared...

"And why do you want me to be happy, Jane?" she asked.

Jane frowned, trying to work through the mud in his brain quickly enough to find an answer that would satisfy her.

"Because I care about you, of course," is what he finally settled on.

Lisbon refused to look away though, and she definitely didn't look satisfied with that answer.

"Why?" she pushed. "Come on, Jane. What am I to you? Am I just a colleague? A friend? A sister...?"

"No," he mumbled, and he couldn't help but feel that he was far too drunk to be having this conversation.

"No?" she continued, but she still looked a little angry. "So, I'm not a sister to you. Then what, Jane? Why do you care about me?"

"Because I love you," he mumbled, his voice almost a whisper.

"What?"

It was her turn to sound surprised, and Jane almost rolled his eyes. Really, what did she think he was going to say? Sister, indeed; she knew him better than that…

"I love you, Lisbon," he repeated, bolstered slightly by the alcohol still rushing through his system. "I'm in love with you. S'why I'm drunk. I didn't want to think about you and Pike because it hurt too much. I know I don't deserve you, but I can't help it…"

"You really are an idiot, Jane," she said softly, the anger already fading away from her voice. Jane couldn't read her face for once though, so he had no idea what was going through her mind. It was an oddly scary thought...

"I know," he replied, looking down. "A drunk idiot."

"Definitely a drunk idiot," she continued, moving closer to him. Her voice sounded strange to him, and he was confused and excited and a little in shock by what was going on. When he felt her small body press slightly against his side, he finally allowed his eyes to rise up, meeting her gaze with a certainty that he definitely wasn't feeling on the inside. "You're a good man, Jane. I know you don't think so, but you are."

"I don't want to screw this up," Jane replied hoarsely, still not really sure what she wanted. "You mean too much to me."

"Then don't be an idiot," she mumbled, her own gaze dropping for a moment as her vulnerability began to show through. "Please, Jane, I don't think I can take it anymore."

"I'm sorry," he told her. "I didn't mean to hurt you..."

"No, I'm sorry," Lisbon replied, an odd glint in her eyes that Jane didn't quite recognise as she met his gaze once again. "Because you're definitely an idiot, but then I guess I'm an idiot too, because the truth is, I should have done this months ago."

Then she moved closer and kissed him, and for a moment his brain shut off altogether.

Instinct took over then, and they moved together in the kiss as one, all electricity and love and togetherness. When his brain began to come back to him, and he began to enjoy the feel of Lisbon's lips against his own, Jane couldn't help but think back to last night, to all his brooding about not being able to make Lisbon happy.

It didn't matter, he thought to himself now. She wanted to be with him, and as drunk as he still was, Jane wasn't about to take it for granted anymore. If she truly wanted to have a life with him, Jane was determined to make sure that it was the best possible life anyone could have. Even if he was sure it was the worst decision she had ever made, he would do his best to make sure she didn't regret choosing him, because she was his second chance and he didn't want to screw it up. Jane decided then that he would give her whatever she needed, whenever she wanted it. He would make her happy.

I should have done this months ago, she'd said, and Jane couldn't help but agree completely. He moaned slightly as Lisbon moved closer to him, the kiss deepening as his brain began to shut off again. God, they definitely should have done this months ago.

He really was an idiot. A completely drunk, selfish, ridiculously happy idiot.

A/N - So how was it? I realise that this idea is completely clichéd, but I hope I added enough originality in there for to be enjoyable for most of you. Also, I got Jane really drunk, which is always good fun, and is something that I really wish would happen more on the show. Please, let me know what you think, and until next time, thanks for reading!