Revenge for Hire
Grandpa Follies
The afternoon was slowly passing in the Juuban district of Tokyo. Hanging around outside the Revenge for Hire office building was none other than Rei and Usagi. Both were wearing their school uniforms and Usagi had on something extra: a baseball cap which she wore backwards and a large dark brown leather jacket (which she stole from the author of this fic…the little thief!). Rei was busy rapping.
"Mother-mother-f$%, mother-mother-f#%$-f%^#," called out Rei. "Motherf*%^, motherf%$#, noise noise noise! One, two! One, two, three, four! Noise! Noise! Noise! Smoking weed, smoking weers, drinking Coke, drinking beers! Drinking beers, beers, beers! Rolling fatties, smoking blunts! Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! Rolling blunts and smoking…" Usagi tapped her on the shoulder and pointed at two junior-high schoolboys as they walked up.
"Hi," asked one of the boys. "Are you the ones who are selling the "special school equipment"?" Usagi nodded and brought out her bookbag.
"Show 'em the goods, Usa," said Rei. Usagi quickly opened her bag, revealing their secret stash of ALL of Ami's old tests, projects, and term papers. Of course, all of them had perfect scores. Rei and Usagi were selling them on the black market. "Whatcha looking for?"
"We need some extra credit algebra homework and two term papers on Japanese history," asked one of the boys. Usagi immediately started looking through her bag.
"How much is this going to cost?" asked the other boy.
"Fifteen bucks, little man!" called out Rei. "Put that cash, in my hand! If that money doesn't show then you owe me, owe me, owe!"
"My jungle love!" cried Usagi.
"Ooh-eee-ooh-eee-ooh!" sang both girls loudly.
"I think I wanna know ya, know ya!" continued Rei. "Yeah, boy!" She and Usagi high-fived each other.
"What are you singing?" asked one of the schoolboys.
"You don't know Jungle Love?" asked Rei, "That song is the mad-note, kid! Written by Queen Serenity herself and handed down to the greatest band in the world: the mother-fucking Time!"
"Who?" asked the other boy. "You mean that band in that movie Prince was in?" Usagi nodded and pointed at him.
"Purple Rain," she replied.
"That movie was so lame," retorted the kid. "Dumb American 80's shit." Rei and Usagi quickly glanced at each other, eyes flashing angrily. Then they grabbed the offending kid and slammed him up against the wall.
"Don't you ever say an unkind word about the Time!!" shouted Rei. "We model our whole lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm the smooth Shinto pimp-mommy priestess looooooves the hunkies! And Silent Usa here is my non-black female manservant! Word up!" Just then Rubius and Kunzite walked by as they headed into the R4H building. Rubius paused for a second.
"Hey, leave those kids alone, you two," he snarled. "And peddle your damn black market test papers somewhere else. Also, just for your information…the Time sucked ass." He and Kunzite went inside, leaving behind two sweatdropping schoolboys and two very pissed off Senshi. Rei smiled wickedly as a tall girl wearing an overcoat with the collar pulled up passed close by.
"Hey," said Rei. "You guys want to hear something really f*%^ed up about those two?"
Petz growled viciously as she got Saffir into position and shoved him face-first into the toilet.
"You son of a bitch!" she shouted as she flushed. "I warned you what would happen if I caught you hanging around any of those trampy Animamates again!"
"Hey! I resent that!" called out Iron Mouse. Petz wasn't listening; she was far too busy keeping Saffir still. Demando, Kunzite, Rubius, Beruche, and Esmeraude all said nothing and stayed back: it was THAT time of the month for Petz. VesVes, Eudial, JunJun, and Black Lady were busy playing on the new PlayStation 2 they'd just bought. Cyprine, Mistress Nine, Tellu, Fiore, Ail, and Ann were nowhere to be seen, but just because they weren't around didn't mean that they weren't up to no good.
"Nothing happened!!!" shrieked Saffir. "Siren and I were just chatting!! She just wanted to know about what's going on with us!!"
"Likely story! Aluminum Siren's the biggest slut of them all!" yelled back Petz as she shook Saffir violently.
"Uh, Petz?" offered Demando. "Would you please refrain from beating my only brother senseless?" Petz glared at him, then dropped Saffir and stormed to her room, slamming the door.
"Now, THAT was entertainment," said VesVes. Just then a knock came at the door. JunJun got up and answered it.
Standing out in the hallway was none other than Michiru herself. She was currently pulling down the collar of her coat and looking around, making certain no one recognized her.
"Whoa!" exclaimed JunJun. "It's the lipstick les herself! Where's your "cousin", the diesel dyke?"
"Hey! Screw you!" retorted Michiru. "At least I'm not some freaky-haired, pre-pubescent exhibitionist like you!" Demando quickly came over and pulled JunJun away.
"Sorry, Michiru," he began. "But your…"friend" isn't here. You might want to check downstairs at the Galaxia Talent Agency."
"No, I'm not looking for Haruka. I'm…" Michiru trailed off and gave Demando a suspicious look. "Hey, why would I need to look for her there in the first place? What goes on down there?" Several villains sweatdropped a little.
"Uhhhhh…" stammered Demando.
"Nothing! Nothing!" called out Nephrite. "Galaxia's not running a brothel downstairs! It's nothing!" He then clamped his hands over his mouth.
"A-ha!!" shouted Esmeraude. "So THAT'S the reason people keep thinking we're called the Dark and Dead Whorehouse! Have you been playing pimp-daddy on the side, Neffie?" Nephrite blanched, confirming everyone's suspicions.
"That would also explain why the Three Lights are always hanging around here," added Black Lady. "Seiya's looking to tap that sweet Tsukino ass!"
"You know, Naru probably won't be happy to hear about this," said VesVes. "Does the name Lorena Bobbit sound familiar?"
"Uhhhh, can we keep this just between ourselves?" asked Nephrite. Esmeraude and VesVes flashed him very unpleasant grins. Meanwhile, Michiru continued.
"Anyway, I'm not looking for Haruka," she said. "I'm looking for the Dark and Dead Revenge for Hire, which is you psychos. I've got a problem."
"Yes, you do," replied Eudial. "But we can't do anything about the fact that you got saddled with crappy powers that only get people wet…"
"No wonder she's known as "Water-Sport Michi"," added Rubius.
"Shut up, baka!!!" screamed Michiru. "Anyways, you're one to talk. How was the service?" Rubius frowned a little.
"What service?" he asked.
"The one you and Kunzite apparently had at the Unitarian Church last week where you got married to each other?" continued Michiru. Half the people in the room broke out into huge shocked facefaults. The other half collapsed to the floor in hysterical laughter.
"WHAT??!!" demanded Rubius. Michiru nodded.
"I overheard Rei saying that you two had a Star Wars theme wedding and were both dressed like Imperial Stormtroopers," she continued while everyone else was screaming in laughter. "And she said that Kunzite's the butch and you're the bitch!"
"I'M THE BITCH??!!" screamed Rubius.
"If you were both gay and married I figure that's probably how it'd all fall together," remarked Iron Mouse.
"I wish somebody had told the rest of us," added Black Lady. "I could've worn my Qui-gon outfit. Damn."
"SHUT UP!!!" screamed Rubius. "I'm the bitch?! Oh, those bastards are dead now!" He rushed out of the room and charged down the stairs, intent on pounding the crap out of Rei and Silent Usa.
"So what brings you here, Michiru?" asked Kunzite.
"I wanna hire you idiots to nail someone for me. Do you know Rei Hino's grandfather?"
"You mean that lecherous midget freak who's always trying to cop feels and look up girl's skirts?" asked Beruche. "Hell yes, I know him! That guy's a total ecchi pervert! I hate him! He tried to get Cooan to star in a porno-flick!"
"You're not the only one who hates his guts," replied Michiru. "Earlier today the Senshi had a meet at the temple and there he was. He was practically drooling over all of us Outer Senshi. Especially Haruka. I think he actually tried to grope her."
"Well, Haruka IS a lot hotter than you," admitted Saffir.
"I heard that!" shouted Petz from her room.
"So you wanna hire us to nail the little freak?" asked Demando. Michiru nodded vigorously. "I think we can help."
The lengthening shadows and setting sun heralded the arrival of evening. Still, the Hikowa Temple was a pleasant place to come to at any time of the day. At least, it was until Eudial's car screeched to a halt, crashing through a small offering box in the process. Eudial, Demando, Beruche, Nephrite, Michiru, JunJun, Saffir, and Black Lady untangled themselves and got out. The air was filled the sounds of crows calling, distant traffic, breezes blowing softly through the trees, and a frolicking cabbit meowing happily as she played in the shrubs.
"What the…?" began Nephrite. "What the heck is Ryo-ohki doing here?"
"Oh, the Succubus Club is having its bi-monthly meeting tonight," replied Demando.
"No wonder Esmeraude didn't come with us," remarked Saffir.
"What's the Succubus Club?" asked Michiru.
"That's the nickname of Morrigan Aensland's circle of friends," explained JunJun. "So far the members are Esmeraude, Kaorinite, Aluminum Siren, Lead Crow, Kei and Yuri from "Dirty Pair", Maya from "Burn-Up W", Minnie-May Hopkins from "Gunsmith Cats", Jessie from "Pokemon", Tifa Lockhart from "Final Fantasy 7", and Ryoko from "Tenchi Muyo". Hey, I heard a rumor that Annapuma and Unapuma from "Dominion Tank Police" are trying to join. Any truth to that?" Eudial shrugged.
"I don't know," she answered. "I DID hear that Usagi Tsukino tried to join and they sent her a rejection letter tied to a brick hurled through her window."
"Ouch," said Michiru, cringing a little. "That's harsh."
"Oh you think that's bad? You should hear what happened to Miaka from "Fuchigi Yugi"," said JunJun. "They replied back to her with a volley of flaming arrows." Several people burst out snickering.
"Whatever happened to that little twerp Chibi-Chibi?" asked Black Lady. "Iron Mouse said she also tried to join."
"I think she got used as the ball in a game of extreme beach volleyball," replied Eudial.
"So where IS that midget freak?" asked Beruche as she glanced around. Nearby was a familiar-looking blond man in Shinto robes raking a bunch of leaves. "Hey," called out Beruche. "Do you know where we can find…?" The man turned around. Much to everyone's surprise, it turned out to be…
"Jadeite?!" exclaimed everyone except Michiru.
"Who's Jadeite?" she asked.
"Did you even watch the first season of the show?" asked JunJun. Michiru shook her head.
"I never saw the point of following the back-story since the Outers never appeared until "Supers". Besides, Sailor Moon's such a ditz I doubt I would've been able to tolerate her earlier days. Such pedestrian pursuits are far beneath a person of my status and breeding."
"Jeez, you ARE a complete bitch," remarked Eudial.
"Meh," remarked Beruche. "The only reason you're rolling in dough is because of Mommy and Daddy. I've heard all about how you lip-sync your concerts!"
"That's a lie!" screamed Michiru. "I'm a professional!!"
"Yeah, a professional con artist…" added JunJun.
"Uh…hello?" said Jadeite, waving his hands to attract everyone's attention just as Michiru took a wild swing at JunJun's head (which JunJun easily evaded, cackling). "Would anyone care to find out just why I'm here?"
"Why?" replied Black Lady. "It's pretty obvious. You're here because you're spying on Rei Hino, a.k.a. Sailor Mars, so you can later jump her, tie her up, strip her naked, and extract some tawdry adolescent sexual revenge on her for whatever she did to you in the past."
"REI HINO'S SAILOR MARS??!!" exclaimed Jadeite, totally amazed by the revelation. Everyone sweatdropped.
"Did you even bother to read the scripts or did Queen Beryl lobotomize you at some point?" asked Nephrite.
"I think he's just a freakin' idiot, but that's just my opinion," commented JunJun.
"Anyway," said Jadeite. "I'm not here spying on Sailor Mars. I'm here spying on the temple itself. Rumor has it that Rei's grandfather is trying to run for that messed-up governor's position overseas in California."
"What the hell?!" cried Saffir.
"That's impossible!" added Black Lady. "He's an anime character, not an American citizen!"
"Oh, come on! If Arnold Schwartzenegger, Gary Coleman, and Gallagher can run for the position why can't he?" replied JunJun. "California's already messed up beyond all recognition so how could it get any worse?"
"Besides, politics isn't about money or talking," said Nephrite. "It's about reaching out to people. Touching them. Groping them!"
"Hmmph, if that's the case then Grandpa Hino should win by a landslide," grumbled Michiru.
"No! Under no circumstances can we allow that to happen!" cried Eudial. "Do you have any idea what the consequences would be? Happosai from "Ranma 1 ½" could easily become his running mate for vice-governor! All women's underwear in California would be declared illegal! Schoolgirls would be forced to dress skimpier than swimsuit models! California would become a safe-haven for tentacled hentai demons the world over!! It would be the beginning of the end of all civilization!" Black Lady, Beruche, and JunJun all squealed in terror. Demando, Saffir, Jadeite, and Nephrite all began smiling at the thought of it all. Michiru noticed this and quickly slapped all four of them.
"We can't let this happen!" shouted Beruche. "Let's kill him!!!"
"Hell yeah!" added Black Lady.
"No, wait," said Saffir. "I've got a way better idea…"
Yuuicharu flung the screen aside and rushed into the room, carrying a huge armful of forms and papers that Grandpa had to sign. Grandpa Hino sat at a desk in the middle of the room. More papers were strewn across the desk and he was currently writing in an accounting book, making notations about the latest contribution he'd received, and hanging up the phone.
"Here's those forms you wanted, Grandpa," called out Yuuicharu as he skidded to a halt. "Who were you just talking to?"
"The demonic cast from "La Blue Girl"," chortled Grandpa. "They just made a contribution of one million yen to my campaign!"
"More hentai demons making contributions?" asked Yuuicharu. "How do you do it?"
"Those tentacle-demons have more money than they know what to do with," replied Grandpa. "I figured I might as well do something with it and put it to a good cause. And what better cause is there than in turning California into the ultimate ecchi state! Hentai fans all over the world will revere me for all time! No longer will I be just a shrimpy Shinto priest. I will be a god!! Serve me well, Yuuicharu, and your reward shall be immense!" Yuuicharu immediately began thinking of Rei. He fell to the floor in front of Grandpa and began bowing.
"I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" he cried. Grandpa basked in his assistant's praise for a few minutes, then trotted towards the bathroom.
"Okay, take five!" he called out. "I need to take a break. Oh, did you get more Preparation H for me?"
"Oh yeah, Grandpa," replied Yuuicharu.
"Good. My hemmorrhoids are really bothering me." Grandpa entered the bathroom and closed the door. Then he paused for a moment. He didn't remember leaving the window open, and did he just see a flash of green outside? Shrugging, he dropped his robes and reached for the tube of Preparation H that was conveniently on the sink…
Yuuicharu was busy daydreaming, imagining Rei and the rest of her friends living in the future California that her grandfather would create. He could just see it – multi-limbed tentacled creatures having their way with cute young schoolgirls, their taut, trim bodies glistening with light fragrant oil…
"Mmmm, hentai demons…!" he hummed. Just then the screen door into the door slid open. Yuuicharu looked up hopefully, perking up immensely as he caught sight of the feminine figure in the doorway. "Rei?!" he called out.
"You wish, you garage-band reject!" growled Eudial. "GET HIM!!!" Yuuicharu staggered backwards in fear as the girls from Revenge for Hire charged at him.
No one was quite sure which was louder: Yuuicharu's high-pitched scream as Beruche, Black Lady, and Michiru knocked him to the floor and gave him an atomic wedgie or the glass-shattering shriek from the bathroom. Grandpa Hino burst through the bathroom door and rushed into the room. By the phrase "burst through" I mean he did not just slam open the door but in fact BURST THROUGH it. Squealing like a pig and flailing around like a chimpanzee covered with swarming fire-ants, Grandpa ran around in a circle a few times, then bolted outside. He wasn't wearing any clothes, either. As he charged outside Demando, Saffir, and Nephrite began snapping pictures from their cameras and running the camcorders, catching every moment of everything. Grandpa Hino was about to become the star of the nightly news. Eudial pulled out her cellphone.
"Hello, police? I'd like to report a three-foot tall naked midget pervert running around outside the Hikowa Temple."
Yuuicharu screamed in terror as Beruche turned on her electric shaver and proceeded to give him a sideways mohawk.
"I think you're doing that the wrong way," commented Michiru as she and Black Lady held him down. "Mohawk's are supposed to be from back to front."
"Not this time," replied Beruche. "I WANT him to look like a bath-brush!" Demando and Nephrite continued to follow Grandpa Hino around as he dashed through the temple grounds, scaring the hell out of a number of people who were passing through. Even Rei's crows fainted when they caught sight of him. Still squealing like a pig, Grandpa rushed down the main stairs and out onto the street, causing several traffic accidents as people nearly fainted trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Eudial, Saffir, and JunJun came back inside. Eudial caught sight of the stricken Yuuicharu, grinned, rushed over, leapt into the air, and landed on top of him, driving her elbow into his ribs in the process.
"Hey!" cried Michiru. "That looks like fun! My turn!" As the four girls began to take turns jumping on Yuuicharu, Saffir and JunJun high-fived each other.
"That was an awesome plan," commented JunJun. "I think Grandpa Hino can kiss his political career good bye!"
"I don't know which part was better," said Saffir. "Nuking his political plans like that or replacing his Preparation H with Ben Gay." Laughing at their success, JunJun quickly joined the others in pounding Yuuicharu flat. Meanwhile, Saffir reached down into Eudial's top (^_^) and pulled out the clipboard she had tucked in there. Eudial quickly took notice of Saffir's seeking hand, grabbed it, snatched the clipboard, and smacked him upside the head with it.
"Bastard!" she snapped as Saffir crumpled to the ground. "No touchy!!!" She quickly regained her composure and read over the clipboard, "All right, Michiru, we had you down for a credibility assassination and an ass-kicking. Will you be paying by cash, check, credit card, or Haruka's car?"
"I got a better idea," said Michiru as she stopped pounding the heck out of the now-unconscious Yuuicharu (who, despite his current unresponsive condition, had grabbed onto one of Michiru's buttocks and was squeezing it with a twitching hand). She reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, and tossed it to Eudial.
"That'll work!!" replied the red witch. Tucking the wallet safely away, she joined back in the pummeling of Yuuicharu. It was the beginning of a long night for him.
And there was much rejoicing (yaaay).
The End