Chapter 1:

BPOV:

Knowing that you are self destructing doesn't mean you can stop. I knew I had been in self-destruct mode for a while now. I knew I kept putting myself in situations that were detrimental to me both physically and emotionally. I didn't feel like I was in control of my life anymore. I was just an empty broken shell. I had no more trust or love to give. I didn't want to feel or remember anything.

I know my Mom, Renee, was only trying to help me when she told me that I needed to go live with my Dad, Charlie, for a while. I know she thought that he could "straighten" me out. Of course, she thought that my problems were just teenage rebellion. She thought that life with Charlie, the Police Chief of Forks, WA. would be good for me. She also thought that I wouldn't be able to find trouble in such a small town. She was wrong of course. I don't know why, but danger and trouble seemed to be magnetically drawn to me. It was only a matter of time.

Today was the first day of school. I really hated being the new girl. I would be much happier staying out of the spotlight and fading into the background. "Yeah, like that will happen!" I sighed to myself. I was still undecided about how much I wanted people here to know about my past. That I was a party girl, maybe, but definitely not the reasons why I had turned to partying.

I finished getting dressed and headed downstairs to grab a cereal bar before heading to school. Charlie was on his way out the door.

"Morning Bella. I put some money on the table for you to get lunch. I probably won't be home until after 6. You ok fending for yourself until then?"

"Yeah Charlie, I think I can manage" I said noting that he grimaced when I said Charlie instead of Dad.

"You know Bella, I trust you, until you show me that you can't be trusted. Renee thinks I am being too easy on you. I figure you got enough to worry about right now with the new school and all. So, don't disappoint me okay? It's a chance to start over." He was using his Police Chief Swan voice now.

"Ok Dad" was all I could think of to say.

He really was trying to make life here easy for me. He bought me a truck, so I wouldn't have to rely on him to get around. He was being extremely generous considering everything I had done this last year. I felt guilty. Charlie and Renee didn't know the reasons behind my behavior. Charlie probably thought it was Renee's lack of parental supervision. I wasn't sure that the change in scenery would make that much of difference though.

As I sat there eating my cereal bar and drinking a glass of milk I let my mind drift back to the cause of my "altered" behavior. James. He was the first guy who ever really paid attention to me. I thought he loved me. I was stupid. In the beginning it was great, but it didn't take long for it to change. He only wanted one thing. Once he had that, I was nothing to him. I was less than nothing. I had been easy prey, just another conquest. When he knew that I wasn't going to go all the way with him, he decided to just take what he wanted. I hated myself for being so stupid.

He actually seemed shocked when he finally realized that I was telling him the truth about being a virgin. It didn't take long for his shock to turn to jealousy and rage. I might have been able to deal with that, but he seemed to think that I was such a novelty that I needed to be shared. Sick bastard!

He called his friends over, and one by one let them have a turn with me. At some point I quit fighting and just laid there limp and lifeless. When they were all finally finished with me James came back in, spit in my face, called me a 'fucking worthless whore' and had his friends hold me down while he carved his name into my upper thigh.

"You'll always belong to me baby bell."

I didn't speak to anyone about it. I didn't want anyone to know. I just wanted to die.

I guess my behavior after that was a twisted kind of self defense. I wasn't going to let myself be used again. I decided I knew what all guys wanted- sex. With knowledge was power. I gave myself the power over them. I wouldn't let them use me, because I used them first.

I started going to parties and drinking a lot. The booze helped me not to feel. I was almost happy when I was drinking. It was my drinking and not coming home that worried Renee. She didn't know about the rest of it. I had pushed her to her limits with my last 'episode'. I had been partying with a bunch of college kids and didn't come home for a week. When I did finally stumble home, she already had my things packed and told me I was moving to Forks.

"Well, better get it over with" I said to myself as I grabbed my book bag and headed out the door wiping away the tears that had started falling down my cheeks.

EPOV:

Alice was getting on my nerves today. All morning she was jumping around all excited about the new girl arriving at school today. Her talk, and her thoughts were giving me a headache. Alice was a year younger than me. She had premonitions and I could pick up peoples thoughts. Today her thoughts were screaming at me in excitement. I tried to drown her out with the stereo on the way to school, but now she was literally bouncing up and down in her seat.

"Aren't you even a little bit curious about her Edward?"

"No. Why should I be?"

"Because she is something different. Something new."

"Alice I think the small town life is rubbing off on you" I said as I tossled her hair and headed off to class.

"Fine, be that way. But you will change your mind. I know it."

Alice had been frustrated by her visions, or lack of lately. Then this morning she finally had one that made her think that the new girl was going to be part of our lives. It was only a few quick flashes, and nothing clear. The only thing that had been clear, was a girl crying and my hand on her shoulder. But she only saw the girl from behind, so we still didn't know what she looked like, or why I was standing next to her. Alice's visions changed all the time, so I knew it was only one possible future.

I tried to put Alice and her excitement out of my mind. It was hard to do because the whole school was buzzing with excitement over the new girl. Today was going to be tougher than usual to block everyone out. I could never keep everyone completely out, but I could usually manage to block enough so the voices were only a background hum in my head.

Apparently the new girl, Isabella Swan, had not yet arrived. Nobody knew what she looked like, and everyone was anxious to get a first look. The girls were mostly petty with their thoughts, hoping that she was not pretty. The boys were all trying to picture her, and how they would try to hook up with her. Yes, this was going to be a difficult day.

All morning I had been bombarded by thoughts of Isabella. She seemed to be on the mind of everyone in the school. That's what you get for living in a small town. I knew what she looked like now from the thoughts of others. She was pretty I guess. Nothing too remarkable, but the guys were already lining up for chances to help her or ask her out. Mostly she seemed to cringe away from them. Not that they noticed, they were too caught up in their fantasy to notice her reaction to them. By the time lunch came around I was slightly curious about the girl.

Alice was still bouncing. Apparently her excitement hadn't worn off yet. I groaned and shook my head as I made my way to our table. Jasper, Alice's boyfriend just rolled his eyes at me.

"She will be coming in from that door." Alice said. Then she leaned over and whispered to me, "You will need to help her Edward. So watch closely".

I looked at her and at the rest of my family. Emmett just shrugged. Rosalie shook her head.

"What did you see Alice?" I tried focusing on her thoughts to see if I could pick up on her vision of why I would be helping the new girl.

"Its not clear, I just know that she is going to need your help. And I don't know if its today, or when it is, but she needs your help."

"So, you don't know what she needs my help for, you don't see anything bad happening, you just feel like she needs my help? Why me? What could she possibly need my help for?"

I felt a sinking felling in my gut as thoughts of my past resurfaced and I remembered how desperately I had wanted, no needed, someone to help me. That help never came, at least not when he needed it. His body involuntarily shuddered at the memory.

"I don't know Edward, but I do know it's important!"

Alice was looking upset at my lack of concern. She didn't understand that it was my defense mechanism. Push people away, don't make contact, don't get close to anyone.

"OK Alice. Calm down. I will keep my eyes and ears open".

"Thank you Edward!" She smiled and relaxed a little bit. I just shook my head.

I knew from the thoughts swarming around the lunchroom that she liked to be called Bella. She was kind of quiet. The entire lunchroom population seemed to be waiting to get her attention. I chuckled under my breath.

"You're right Alice. The entire lunchroom seems ready to pounce on her!"

Lunch passed uneventfully. Bella sat with Jessica Stanley and her cronies. She didn't look comfortable. I noticed that every time Mike Newton, or any of the other boys tried to touch her or get close to her she cringed away from them. There was some mild gossip as Jessica was trying to fill her in on who's who. Naturally, she had to explain our unusual family situation to her. To my surprise, Bella didn't seem to take much interest. I couldn't get a read on her thoughts, but figured that was because I was being overwhelmed with thoughts about her from everyone in the room.

I was sure that she would have questions about "the Cullen's". Alice and I were adopted into the family. Emmett was the only true Cullen, but he never treated us as anything less than his brother and sister. In fact they had all welcomed me and Alice into their family so whole heartedly that it made me feel even more guilty that I couldn't respond the way they hoped. I knew better than to get close, and even though I knew they cared, I knew I didn't deserve their love. I was damaged. I would never be good enough to deserve them.

We had only been with the Cullen's for 5 years. It was the longest we had stayed in any one place, but I still didn't trust that it would last. They would eventually see the 'wrongness' in me, and not want me around anymore. If you looked at Alice, you would never be able to tell what our life had been like before. I had tried to protect her from the worst of it. Even she didn't know about everything that had happened back then. It was my shame, my secret, and something that nobody would ever know. Carlisle and Esme knew some, but they didn't know the true extent of what had happened. If they did, they never would have taken me into their home.

"Alice, I don't think she needs my help right now, I am going to class".

Alice pouted, but agreed that lunch had turned out disappointing for her.

"She is going to need your help Edward". But she let it go when the bell rang for next period.

I needed to get away from my own thoughts. I needed to not feel anything

I sat in Biology waiting for the class to start when Bella walked in. She spoke with Mr. Banner briefly and he pointed her towards my table. It was the only empty seat left in the class. Looks like were going to be lab partners. Maybe that was the help that Alice saw.

As she was walking by me to get to her seat she tripped and came crashing down onto my lap. I caught her before her head flew back and hit the table. Her eyes were wide with shock and horror. One of my hands was holding her neck, and the other was wrapped around her waist in an effort to steady her.

Then I was the one to get the look of shock and horror on my face as the desire to tighten the embrace and kiss her took over. There was an electrical current that seemed to run through our bodies. I fought against this sudden desire tensing up.

"Get your hands off me" she hissed. The look she gave me was telling me that at that moment she would like nothing more than to kill me.

"Hey, you're the one who decided to sit in my lap instead of the chair" I said smiling and trying to lighten the mood by holding my hands up in surrender.

Her face betrayed her with its furious blush, and I knew that she was more embarrassed and upset with herself than anything else.

"So, are you ok? Do you need any help, or were you planning on sitting in my lap for the rest of class?" I asked arching an eyebrow at her.

She still hadn't moved. She just shook her head no, and tried to compose herself as she slid off my lap and into her chair. I chuckled again as I looked at her trying to hide behind her hair.

"What?" she said glaring at me with her deep brown eyes. There was also a sorrow hidden deep inside those eyes. And suddenly I wanted to make her happy. I wanted the sorrow to go away.

"Nothing, I was just thinking for someone who seems to not like attention you definitely know how to make an entrance".

"Yeah, well, I aim to please" her voice dripping with sarcasm.

She didn't say anything else since Mr. Banner called class to order. I watched her curiously from the corner of my eye and noticed that her blush had returned. She was still trying to hide herself behind her hair.

My thoughts drifted to the sensations I felt when she landed in my lap. I wanted to reach over and move her hair back so I could see her face more clearly. I wanted to hold her to me and see her smile.

I wanted to kiss her… God what was I thinking? What was I doing? I must be channeling the thoughts of Mike Newton or one of the other boys in class. What I was thinking was not even remotely possible for me. Not after what I went through for years, and have spent years trying to move beyond. Never again. I could not, WOULD not let myself get close to anyone.

Fuck that shit!

It was hard enough walking through the halls and having to hear all of the gossip that never seemed to go away. I think the latest rumor is that I am a player, and too good for the local girls. Of course, I still hear the rumors speculating that I am gay as well. Let them think what they want.

It's pretty sad when you really think about it though. They are all so caught up in their little high school drama's that they don't know anything about me, or anyone else, at all. They see and hear what they want to hear. Being a Cullen has it's advantages though. They are in awe of the money and status. They seem tolerant of the fact that I am different, because of who I am. Like money explains everything. If they knew the real me they would be just as repulsed as I am. But I am a good actor. I can hide it all away and show them what they want instead. It's not that hard.