disclaimer. The characters are not of my property, neither is the song.
I'm normally a Edward and Bella shipper, but i've been reading really good stories, and this new couple just found a way to my heart.
This happens somewhere in, and after new moon, Edward didn't come back…
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-
Immobilized by the thought of you
Paralyzed by the sight of you
-
I stared at her, my eyes glued to her every movement, how she tidied things here and there, how she brushed her hair, the way her hips swayed with every step she took, my potent werewolf eyes drinking in every detail of her shape, even in the poorly lighted room I could see the way she worried her bottom lip while staring at her abandoned bag full of books by the door, and how I wished it was my teeth instead of hers; her forehead creased in worry –I thought- about her work for the weekend.
The rumbling of the storm outside was the only sound aside our breathings, mine attuned to hers, and I had to smile at the picture she presented; wearing one of my long forgotten t-shirts –I barely used them- shaking from the cold, I asked her about it, and she answered it was useless to use something warmer, she was planning on cuddling with me; and hell, I was ok with that.
"Bells, there's no light, there is no way you are going to read, so, why don't you come with me?" I said patting the spot next to me. I had her with me, after a few weeks of not seeing her, and I wanted to spend every second close to her. She was studying at UDub and I wondered like many other times why she was attending there, she could do so much better than Washington university, I had imagined her at Stanford or Harvard … but I wasn't complaining she was close enough to come visit almost weekly when the work load wasn't too much, sometimes when Sam wasn´t being a jerk about it, I'd run half way there as far as the forest allowed me, and then grab a bus.
I was coursing my senior year and after that I was planning to go with her.
This last thing wasn't as easy as it seemed, graduate and go to college… besides the money issue –I was repairing cars not just as a hobby and was saving money- I couldn't leave the pack behind, and while there weren't any attacks for quite some time now, it was my responsibility. I had arguments with Sam over this plenty of times; we were supposed to stop phasing in order to grow old, but it wasn't happening anytime soon. And Washington was a couple of hours away on bus, and like and hour and 40 minutes on car, and an hour running. I could be here if needed.
-
You build me up
You knock me down
Provoke a smile
And make me frown
You are the queen of runaround
You know it's true
-
While she folded neatly her clothes and counted the steps to walk around my bedroom not to fall, I thought about us, how things had changed. I knew my house was a sort of refuge for her. That first day she arrived, months after seeing her for the first time, her face was paler than usual, unhealthy, her bright eyes were dark, with no shine, her hair fell ungracefully, covering part of her pretty face, and her lips, tempting, full lips, were curved downwards. This was not the Bella I liked, the one I had a crush on, no not at all, this was an empty shell, a zombie-like Bella. I was working in my garage when I heard the sound of her truck and instantly went out to greet her, despite the way she looked, I was happy to see her, and I felt incredible pleased for the real, albeit small, smile when she saw me.
I couldn't help but smile back, there was something about her presence that made me feel good, almost giddy, and I wondered what happened to make her look like that, I knew about the Cullens leaving, I knew about her dating one of them, but I couldn't imagine that such a wonderful girl could be so consumed over breaking up with her boyfriend. I mean, I knew, I had heard from Charlie and Billy how bad she was, but I guess I never really believed it.
But I pushed the thought aside and wondered what she was doing here, at La Push, with me.
I noticed how she looked at me; at first I guessed it was about my growth spur, I had grown several inches in just a few months, and my shoulder were broader… much later I saw that she was ogling me; what a surprise! It took me quite a lot of afternoons to figure that one out… after all I couldn't hope she liked me, I mean, not like that, not at all, I was after all just a childhood friend….
It was weird to watch, she smiled at me when I welcomed her, and then she looked surprised at her reaction, like if she was not used to smile. Feeling guilty about it, and I remember I had to wonder, why someone could feel guilty for smiling?
With time the garage became our space, our own little world, at first I was ashamed at the grease stains all over the place, and at the uncomfortable setting, so different from what she was used to, -I had so little, while he had so much… but I was here, I was with her, he wasn't- But she didn't seem to mind, she was fairly at ease here. She showed me the motorcycles, and told me she was spending time with me, and that made my heart run.
I remembered that day at our garage, when Quil and Embry joked about how much time we were going to spend together while fixing the bikes, before this werewolf thing, when I was a teenager with a huge crush; but even then, it felt like so much more…
And then she was coming by so often, almost everyday and I expected her arrival with so much joy and eagerness... Those were my best hours, the ones I spent with her, even if she was sad, and quiet, really quiet, I tried my best to make her smile and it pleased me to no end that I was able to steal one or two smiles of her…
The most I spent with her the most I hated them, how could they leave her broken like this, Bella was supposed to light the world around her, to make us, the fortunate enough people that were around her to smile, to enjoy life.
And then there was the fact we were like family, sometimes utterly irritating, like if everything I was feeling didn't exist. Like if I was just an irritating little boy she had to put up with; she acted as if I was her brother, and my thoughts were so far from that.
And sometimes useful…her father liked me, trusted me with her, and was glad I was in her life….
Like the first day he saw us together, we were in my makeshift garage working on the bikes, I grabbed her hand and she didn't pull away, and we were both laughing, a sound I thought it was lost on her, the surprise of Charlie when he saw her kinda' happy was huge, and he was always happy to have me in his house.
When we were doing homework I couldn't resist to look a t her, at her every move, the way she chewed the pens while thinking an answer and how she twirled her hair with her fingers when she was helping me with something.
The way she half smiled at me and no one else, how her face lighted when I was around, how she was making excuses to spend the day with me –as if she needed to convince me to be with her- so many mixed signals, little things I loved, but hated so much… it was painful to be the one always with her, the one having her affections, but at the same time, not having them.
That night at the movies was weird, there were moments I was completely happy, others when I wanted to rip that kid's head off. We –Bella and I- had a lot of fun; the movie was exactly what it was supposed to be. A bloodshed, and while part of me was somewhat jealous of the couple in front of us, he hugging and consoling her, another part was glad that I could enjoy this kind of thing with Bella without her going all girly on me. I remembered looking at her for a second, while she stared at the screen
"What?" she whispered.
"Oh, c'mon! The blood squirted twenty feet out of that guy. How fake can you get?" we both laughed at the ridiculous movie. And I could tell she enjoyed being with me, here our relationship started to change, I always wanted to be more than friends, but it was somewhere around those days Bella started to wish for something different too, I could see it in her eyes, even if she didn't recognize it yet.
That Mike guy was sick, and ruined my night with Bella… well sort of... I managed her to acknowledge she liked me, a little bit at least, somehow, and it was funny to laugh at that poor guy that thought had a chance with Bella… yeah right.
While he was throwing up -what a wuss- I was holding her hand, my mind drifting between what we both wanted and what she allowed, and she was making so much better, her cheeks were a little fuller, and her skin recovered a little of color, leaving behind the unhealthy waxy yellowish color, not quite the Bella I fell for -because at this point I was in love, not liking, but loving- but so much better… her laughs weren't completely hollow anymore.
She kept rejecting my little advances, but something in the tone of her voice told me she wasn't completely happy with her decisions, and that little doubt behind her eyes gave me confidence. And I remember that conversation clearly, it was the last time Bella and I were simple humans, with simple uncomplicated lives, teenagers fighting with new found feelings, that night I knew why Bella couldn't let go, why it was so difficult to move on, and why sometimes she seemed older, too serious; that night I knew the truth behind Bella's loneliness, and I understood her. And she was so much more than a simple girl; her life had so many twists and complications… And I simply stopped being human.
"Now, just hold on a minute, Bella," I tried to remain calm, while my heart raced. "Tell me something."
Her face told me she knew where my conversation was going, and the last thing I wanted to do was to make her uncomfortable, so I tried to keep things light.
"What?"
"You like me, right?"
"You know I do."
"Better than that joker, puking his guts out in there?" I gestured to the bathroom
"Yes," she sighed.
"Better than any of the other guys you know?" and I was so impatient to hear the answer to this one, part of me thought it was like that, after all she spent most of the time with me… once again I tried to remain calm.
"Better than the girls, too," she answered.
"But that's all," I said, and for the moment it was a good answer, with time it would be so much more, I knew I just knew.
"Yes," she whispered.
I had to grin. "That's okay, you know. As long as you like me the best. And you think I'm good-looking—sort of. I'm prepared to be annoyingly persistent."
"I'm not going to change,"
I had to think about this one, how to remain there, how to show her my feelings without being too pushy? I couldn't be discouraged, what I felt for her was so much more than what I was supposed to feel at the moment, so much more than a simple teenager love, I wanted the best for her, I wished for her happiness, her joy, and her welfare, I didn't care about me, I would wait.
I knew she had had a big important relationship with him and I wasn't expecting her to forget that easily. "It's still the other one, isn't it?"
I knew I would wait, because she was everything, she permeated my every thought, and I knew her better than herself, I knew what wanted, what she needed.
"You don't have to talk about it, but don't get mad at me for hanging around, okay?" I held her hand tightly "Because I'm not giving up. I've got loads of time."
"You shouldn't waste it on me,"
And I was doing to do something to change the way she thought about herself, she was amazing, worth a thousand years wait.
"It's what I want to do, as long as you still like to be with me."
"I can't imagine how I could not like being with you"
I beamed. Maybe she wasn't at the same place I was, but I was certainly very important for her "I can live with that."
"Just don't expect more"
"This doesn't really bother you, does it?" I squeezed her fingers, I loved the feel of her small hand in mine, but I wasn't going to push her away for such a little thing.
"No"
We discussed the meaning of us holding hands, for her it was a friendly gesture, a support to hold her together, her clutch; for me it was exactly that, nothing more… Just everything she needed, a friend, maybe someday a lover. Just a way of knowing she was real, and was with me, near me.
I traced with my fingers her odd shaped scar, it was always cold; she couldn't say much at the time, after I found out the story behind it, and I thanked my own curse, at least she didn't have to carry with the weight of such a secret in her small shoulders, she could share the burden with me, and I happily took it, everything to keep her from harm.
And when I got sick on my way home, I felt so good, she was worried about me, she did care, of course that was the last time I could act as a kid, after that I had responsibilities, I was a guardian, a werewolf, and my people counted on me –even if most of them didn't know of my existence-.
-
You chew me up
And spit me out
Enjoy the taste
I leave in your mouth
-
After my first phasing things changed, I stopped being a child worried about impressing a girl; no I had to learn to control myself, not to be a hazard, but a protector… "Stay away from her" I was told.
One of the most difficult things I've done in my short life, and I did, just wishing, doing what was best for her. Always for her, everything, all my thoughts, my every breath, every wish, every dream, the beating of my heart, the first and last cell on my body, for her.
Time passed, I thought about her every single minute, my new heightened senses trying to remember everything from her, the rhythm of her heart, her scent, and I told myself it was good enough for now, until I learned some self control, I couldn't help but shudder every time I remembered Emily's face…
I heard from Billy, who heard from Charlie that she was depressed again, and it was all my fault... I had promised! and then I was so scared when I saw her in front of the dark vampire; I had to tell her my secret I couldn´t stand being away form her, couldn't deny the anguish the thought of abandoning her like he did was causing me.
No, I promised I was going to be there for her, and I would stick to it, somehow.
When I did, I was relieved, so pleased with the fact she still wished for me in her life, even when I was a monster, she even tried to be with me thinking I was a murderer, she liked, and wanted me that much.
We started to spend time together again, but this time was no holding back, I mean, it wasn't like I was harassing her, trying to kiss her every minute, I did though about it, but no, she, we could be honest, no secrets, no half truths either. And our relationship shifted once more, this time in a much more visible way.
Everyone around us thought we were a couple and I beamed, because she acted all loving with me, it maddened me too, because she was denying obvious things, but just like before I was ready to wait.
For days, weeks, months… I did, it was almost time for her graduation, and we were still 'best friends' and I never hated that label more, we were not just friends, the tension between us could be cut with a knife; but she was progressing I knew, even if the pack teased me, even if they say she was not getting over them, I knew better.
Wait, wait, I would anything for her, but with each passing day it was more difficult, It was easy to elude my needs when she wanted something so different from what I wished, when my desires were simpler, when holding hands was sufficient; but now when all I wanted to do was crush her against me, feel her cool lips against mine, to memorize every detail of her body, to know every freckle, every scar…to hear her moan.
With my sharp senses, some markers from Bella's body were now obvious to me, and my confidence grew, I knew, with certainty that she liked me, her body reacted to mine. And my own reaction was harder to deny.
And I loved to see the blush on her cheeks, to hear the uneven beat of her heart when I was too close, the change of her breathing when I said something at her ear. And how endearing, she wasn't aware of the effect she had on me, she thought I was so calm and aloof when I was with her, but no, heat consumed me every time I was near her, my cheeks flushed each time I heard her truck near my house, my heart raced each single time her lips pronounced mi name, my palms sweated when she hugged me, her warm breath on my neck… if she knew…
And now she does… yet she is incredibly shy, she can't believe she can turn me into mush, how she can break trough my concentration, and how the timber of her voice can drive me nuts…
Of course she doesn't see me when we are at the phone, every night before going to bed, but most of the time the pack does –they appear innocently around the same our at my door- and when we phase I can see myself, not a trace of manly pride, not an ounce of the authority and grandeur air –as Billy calls it- that always surrounds me, no, with Bella I'm just a boy in love. A boy that dreams with seeing his girlfriend, that awaits impatiently for the weekend and the chance of more than a couple of words.
Even now, when we are an item –Emily's words-, and I don't have to pray to feel this changes in her, to hope she still feels something for me, that her pulse still accelerates near me; when I'm sure I am the one she choose, the one she wants to be with
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There may not
Be another way to your heart
So I guess I'd better find a new way in
-
So I kept pushing, and pushing, she was coming around, she had to, after all I brought her out of her catatonic state and now I was doing everything in my power to erase them from her mind, ok, maybe that was too optimistic, but I was showing her life was worth living, how could she make new memories, and enjoy new things. Maybe she would close and lock that Cullen-drawer, and open it in another moment, when she could be objective about it… I wasn't kidding myself I knew she still loved them, him, but I knew she loved me too, and I was fighting for that piece of her heart that belonged to me, and that I knew, was growing.
The uneasiness she showed with affection displays, such as holding hands and hugging were less and less visible, she didn't struggle to get out of my grasp or scream at Quil or Embry every time they called her 'my girl'… such little details that told me she was starting to deal with the truth.
She had feelings for me, and he wasn't the only one in her heart now; and I could see the war in her eyes when we were alone, to let go, or to continue grabbing her old life, the memories.
And letting go would be so easy, so effortless, she wouldn't be crying and suffering all the time, things would be fun, and we would be a couple of young people…
She wouldn't have to act older; she could just be herself, laugh freely and enjoy the dumb, pointless things we teenagers do.
No death lurking over her shoulder, I would protect her from everything, I wouldn't request anything in return, I don't and never will. I still haven't.
I never asked for anything she wasn't ready to give, her smile, her friendship, her love, her soul, her mind, her body, every part of her she wanted me to have I was – I am- happy to have, at her pace, I waited, and I will, for her.
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I shiver when I hear your name
Think about you but it's not the same
I won't be satisfied 'til I'm under your skin
-
Then I was kissing her, I don't know what possessed me to do it… I just knew I had her soft lips against me and she wasn't pushing me away.
Just a random day, nothing different in our schedule, I was supposed to pick her up, and go for a ride in the bike, well, there were no plans made, but it was a weekend, one with a little of sun, it was just too good to waste; Then she opened the back door and saw me standing there, I could tell she was surprised. Her hair was a mess, her cheeks were flushed from the run from her room to the door, and when I spoke, she was even more surprised, like realizing it was not a dream. How I loved when she mumbled my name in her sleep…
"Mornin' sexy," I said and walked towards her; I cupped both hands about her face and smiled.
Minutes later she was dressed, and we were heading to the rez.
Her hair shining with the little light that filtered through the treetops, her eyes dancing with mirth, her mouth curved upwards, giggling. And I felt it, she was ready, no more waiting, she wasn't holding back, she was enjoying herself, that afternoon, we were just Bells and Jake, a girl and a boy… No complications, no monsters, no myths; just her lips under mine, her arms around my neck.
No pressure, no limits, no fears.
The day we started officially dating was not the day I first kissed her, I knew better. She needed time to process everything that was happening, after such a long time of mourning, a kiss was not going to turn the whole thing around. Even if she didn't mention them I felt a part of her still wished for them.
But if I waited for so long, after tasting her luscious flavor I wasn't to give up.
I promised, and I was going to wait up. It couldn't be too long now.
Then that dreaded day came –I'm grateful now, but back then it was hell- he was back, and she ran to him, crying and sobbing, telling him how much she loved him, and I couldn't stand it… I walked away.
A typical movie night at Bella's we were cuddled on her small sofa, waiting on the credits while I tickled her, when I felt the stench, immediately I was on guard, there was a knock at the door, and I knew there was something wrong a common leech wouldn't bother with knocking…
When she saw him her eyes lighted up, in a way it took me months to achieve, my heart was breaking, I followed her moves, because suddenly it was like if I wasn't present, she was hugging him, the one that sucked the vitality out of her… I looked at her, walked to the back door, and phased in the garden; the last sound I heard was a strangled sob that sounded like Jake, after my broken howl.
Then I was running, and dashing, trying to rip the pain out of my chest.
Hours later Sam was phased too, and was trying to get me home, to talk to her; I couldn't I couldn't face her, I was not capable of hearing those words, I was crumbling just with the image of her leaving me… I felt cold and lonely.
But he, Jared, Quil, and Embry managed to drag me back, and I saw her, in our makeshift garage, our own little world… our refuge.
She leaned up and pressed a fervent kiss to my mouth and when she spoke "I'm sorry…so sorry" her voice was choked with sobs, it was not a joyous moment, but it was honest and full of the emotions that she had denied herself for so long.
Kissing me again, her arms were around me, her hands upon my shoulders, one at the nape of my neck, her fingers tugging at the loose hairs there, begging without words for me to let her in.
And I did. How could I deny her? It was so different from our first kiss, this was full of passion and love. I could feel her love.
My mouth found hers, my hands around her waist. And our mouths danced with one another, breath rushing between us and as the urgency grew, my hands reached up, cupping her face, feeling her, rejoicing in the fact she was with me once again.
She was going to be with me from now one… now there were no doubts; I could be tranquil, and sure that I was the one that won her heart.
I was called to the present when I heard a soft thud, and a low cursing.
"Shoot" and I laughed, it escaped my mind how she was so polite hanging around with me; I cursed like a sailor… "Ouch, not funny Jake" I could see her pouting, her frame half bent her hand outstretched to rub her calf "great… another bruise"
"Are you ok hon?" I asked genuinely concerned "need any help?"
"No!" I chuckled this time, always so concerned in proving she was capable of doing things her own; and I knew, but I loved to take care of her.
"You know I don't mind the bruises" she rolled her eyes and I flashed a smile at her, that she probably couldn't see "maybe I can kiss it better?" I asked trying to sound innocent, but my voice betrayed me, it was low and husky, I wanted her close to me; the distance -a couple of feet- between us was too much normally, now they seemed like miles, I had not see her for 3 dreadful weeks, she was in mid-terms, and her time was very limited.
And I was grateful for the treacherous Forks weather, Bella was stranded with me until next day, when roads were open again, the light was off, gone thanks to a tree falling over some towers, or something and that meant no reading, no studying for some hours. It meant it was just Bella and me; just a girl and a boy in love.
She just shook her head no, and resumed doing her things, running a towel over her damp locks, and giggling about something
"What is so funny?" I asked curious, I always wanted to know everything about her, about her day.
"Nothing really" she stopped "it's silly" and she giggled again… how that sound filled my mind, my heart. "It's just that… you know…" and she blushed. And I remembered then.
The first night she spent in my room; that night after the leech came there was a storm too, not as big as the present, but big enough for Charlie to call Billy and ask him if Bella could stay over. I was thrilled.
And it was the night Bella and Jake became us, not individual actors in a relation, no, a single actor, a unity.
That night we talked, and kissed, talked and kissed again, Bella cried, and I dried her tears, and she promised it was the last time, the last tears she would ever shed over them, and just like I waited, she never cried about that anymore.
That was the night when I realized my life was complete, at the sweet age of 17, I had all of my hearts desires, and everything that mattered was there in my arms and across the house, Bella and my dad.
While I watched her hanging the wet towel on the back of the old desk's chair, I traced her shape once more with my eyes and my memory drifted to the first time I saw her wearing something of mine.
We were kneeling on the bed facing one another exchanging quick, passionate kisses. Her fingers ran down my chest drawing idle patterns, and making me shiver, before rising to cup my face between her palms. And I drank deeply from her lips, my hands dancing from her face to the curve of her waist and then back unsure of were to put them.
Journeying from her lips, my mouth pressed kisses across her throat. I grasped a hand-full of brown curls, holding them while exploring the softness in the curving arch of her neck with my lips. She burrowed her face into the curve of my shoulders, one hand wrapped about my forearm, the other cradling the nape of my neck.
Her eyes widened in a brief moment of shock that she was actually doing this, and I tried to slow down, I wanted her, but things would go as far as she wanted them to.
When I pressed my lips against her bare skin, her lids fluttered close in what I hoped contented desire. Withdrawing from our tight embrace, our eyes met and once more they sought passion in each other's kiss.
Unbuttoning the shirt she wore, I pulled away slightly, hesitating. Softly, reverently, I asked for her permission … "okay?" and her reply was a nearly unintelligible murmur of assent. My eyes drifted downward completing the task at hand. And again, our lips met, heavy breaths journeying between them.
Tearing our lips apart I exhaled deeply and my eyes followed the movement of the material slipping off of her shoulders. Capturing her full lips in another kiss, I closed my eyes; then lowering my mouth, lips whispering upon her flesh. She arched her neck as my lips traveled down the column of her throat. Trailing down her collarbone; halting just above the line of her tank top. Looking up at her, I caught her gaze, needing to see her face and our lips met again.
Her hands hungrily caressed the muscles of my back. We were kissing, lips molding to one another, breathing shared; breaths becoming one. We were lost in the midst of falling clothes, in the heat, in the rhythm of running hearts…and we were falling, slowly … slowly falling down onto the bed.
She insisted on wearing one of my t-shirts, afraid of how ashamed she would feel in the morning. I'm so glad she is not that shy and self-conscious anymore.
-
So come to bed it's getting late
There's no more time for us to waste
Remember how my body tastes
You feel your heart begin to race
-
And then she was here with me crawling into bed, and I fought the shivers her cold skin provoked over my feverish skin. She pressed a kiss on my temple, I tickled her sides, squirming to get out of my grasp, we laughed until she yawned.
She placed her head on my shoulder and minutes later her breathing as even and slow; I could count the beating of her heart, the sound that meant my whole world, and I heard mine too, in perfect synch with hers…
She mumbled something on her sleep, cuddling closer to me, then I heard it "Jake, I Love you" the words that were worth any sacrifice in the world. That could make my heart race.
Feel your heart begin to race!
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