Felt like doing something cracktastic to show my support for hating Twilight

Felt like doing something cracktastic to show my support for hating Twilight. That's right beeyotches. Complain and you get shot. There's something called a BACK button you know. Yeah, hate me if you want, I don't care if I don't know you.

BELLA'S NIGHTMARE

Bella looked around herself, recognizing the familiar La Push beach. Jake waved to her, he said something about volleyball with the Cullens. She was so proud that they had all worked out their differences and reached an agreement on how to live. She smiled and ran to them, her friends, her allies, the ones she loved more than anyone… Her family.

After a refreshing game of volleyball, Edward took Bella aside. He had told her something about "getting the truth off of his chest." She wondered what it was all about. Perhaps he was going to tell her that he knew a way to be human for her! She was giddy at the thought.

"Bella, you know… I've been here only a little while longer than you, right?" She nodded and said yes, wishing silently for him to hurry up.

"Well, some things-er-happened before you joined us in Forks."

"What do you mean Edward?" she asked, blinking her eyes twice and pouting a bit.

"I mean, Jacob and I… we were lovers." Bella was in shock.

"Still are, babe," Jake said, wrapping an arm around Edward's waist. He had that smile that you would see on that male enhancement commercial. "In fact, Ed… you tell 'er the news."

"Oh Jakie," Edward sighed, kissing his lover's cheek boldly. "Well, you see Bella, we're expecting," Edward explained rubbing his stomach with a blush.

"How is that even possible?! You're both guys!" Bella shouted in disbelief.

"There's more than one hole Bells," Jake said, still smiling proudly. Bella suddenly felt sick.

"But how can Ed… be… with child?"

"Simple, when you turn into a vampire, you lose all your balls and become a sparkly, manly, girl." Bella felt even more sick now.

"But what about the whole vampire werewolf thing? Don't you guys smell like shit to each other?" Bella knew it had to be a joke.

"Most of the time we do. But I found that Edward smells more like cherry blossoms and vanilla," Jake said, taking a wiff of Ed's collar. Edward giggled with embarrassment.

"Oh honey, not in front of everyone," he said with girlish glee.

Jake smiled and told Bella, "The reason we're telling you this is because we… we want you to be the godfather."

A bloodcurdling scream woke Edward from his trance. Though he couldn't sleep he could rest his body and mind by settling into a relaxing trance. But having that trance broken was like ripping off someone's armpit hairs. It hurt like a bitch.

"BELLA! BELLA! IT'S OKAY! NO ONE'S GONNA HURT YOU!" Edward screamed in desperation, holding his manic girlfriend.

"Get away you pregnant freak!" Bella shrieked, slamming a pillow against Edward's head. Edward was taken aback.

"Pregnant? How can I… A MAN…! be pregnant?" Edward asked in confusion.

Bella sighed with relief. "Oh, it's just a dream." She stood and looked out the window, hummed a bit, then turned back to Edward.

"You're not… Jacob's lover or anything, are you?" she asked.

"No."

"And are you by any chance a-"

"No Bella, what ever you're going to ask me just don't bother, the answer is no."

"…so you still have your man business?"

Took that last line from "What Happens in Vegas." Funny movie, funny movie. Flame me and I'll send Chuck Norris after you. And a few Tellitubbies.