Beautiful and Clever and Funny As Sin

Fanfiction: Pirates Of The Caribbean, pre-CotBP

Characters: Norrington, Groves, Mary-Sue (OC)

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own the Pirates of the Caribbean characters, movies nor any nouns or proper nouns associated with such.

A/N: Written for The Broken Compass Forum's drabble prompt 'worst-Mary-Sue-parody'. Not really a drabble, more whatever you call those thousand word ones? Not actually intended as a story or to make sense. This is what you call free time.

A/N (2): Lule means 'flower' in Albanian, so it kinda fits both prompts, yes?

Lule had to be the most annoying creature Captain James Norrington had ever seen. There was, to begin with, her absurd mockery of a name that she enjoyed flaunting in people's faces: Lule Misty Bellamary-Sue Compton. And then there was the fact that everyone in the whole town of Port Royal and the entire Royal Navy was completely taken with her. Everyone, that is, except for him. And there did not seem to be a single thing she could not do.

Even Lord Grenmeister, ninety years old, in the service of the King since age twelve, fought against Blackbeard himself, served in the Indies and black Africa, could not top the annoying brat for a story. And she could back all of them up with perfectly credible sources. Yet there wasn't a scratch nor a scar on the creamy satin skin she was fond of routinely and 'accidentally' displaying. Norrington had seen her fall from a fourth-story window onto the cobblestones on the back of her neck with his own two eyes and allowed himself half a second's worth of hope that God had finally given the horrible miscreant what she deserved. But then she had leaped, literally leaped, By God!, up and began to laugh, her dress conveniently ripped down the front to give the onlooking Navymen quite a show.

She had somehow managed to outfight William Turner, something that Norrington would have said was impossible, she could outdrink any man Norrington knew without so much as a slur in her voice, she could outswear Kibbins, confuse Mullroy, sing like a Siren, run rigging like a monkey, pick any lock, rob anyone's pocket, come through any ordeal without appearing the faintest bit ruffled, always have the perfect remark for any situation and seemed to possess the ability to read minds.

Oh, yes...and then there was the disastrous Gillette incident. Dear God. He had no idea how he was going to deal with that.

Not that Lule hadn't been 'falling prey to emotion' and 'succumbing to dashing men's advances' at a rate of several men a week since she'd arrived in Port Royal, but...Andrew? Who next? Weatherby Swann?

He propped his forehead in his hand. And now the stupid coquette was loudly and dramatically insisting she was pregnant. And of course, it was Gillette's fault, it had to be.

Maybe no one's ever told her how a woman gets pregnant, he thought dryly. Play wife with half the Navy and then blame the closest person, that'll do it. What Gillette ever saw in her...

Said maudlin ingenue came sashaying past, delicately cradling her stomach where the faintest of swellings was visible. Even pregnant she dresses like a whore, Norrington thought despairingly.

"Charming, isn't she?"

Norrington turned and fixed Groves with a murderous glare, seriously considering strangling him.

"Sir? What's wrong?"

Norrington blew his breath out through his nose, trying to calm himself. How was it that he seemed to be the only sane person in this part of the world? Had they all lost their minds?

"Lieutenant, what is she doing here?"

"She wanted to come along, sir." There was no disguising the brightness in his voice. Norrington dug his nails into the rail.

"And you allowed her this?" His voice was higher than usual, overly polite, and very strained, but Groves did not appear to hear the warning signs.

"Well, I must admit, I was a little worried for the baby, but she says it'll be alright, she knows what she's doing. It'll be good having someone around to watch our backs."

For the first time in his life, James Norrington was actually tempted to start screaming. "To-to watch our backs?" he choked.

"She's a better fighter than any I've ever seen and she has such a talent for always showing up just when and where you need her most!"

Lord Save Us, what's she done to Theodore!?!?!?!

"She's beautiful and clever and funny as sin..."

That was the final straw. No bragging, knocked-up, flirtatious, glory-getting, half-pint, snake-eyed whore of a bratty know-it-all was going to inspire that worshipful tone in Theodore Groves' voice. He was going to do something about this insanity.

Spitting ink, Norrington strode off across deck, vowing that he would put an end to all this.

"Sir? Where are you going?"

"I'm inquiring after Miss Lule, Theodore, she didn't look quite well," Norrington snarled sarcastically.

"Oh, of course."

Now where had that horrible creature gotten to? You wouldn't imagine she could move so fast. Aha. Voices. That was Lule and...oh. Norrington swore and went to stand out overlooking the rushing plumes of water off the starboard bow, bleak thoughts predominating in his skull.

After awhile, he heard a door open behind him and he turned to see Lule and a young officer he didn't know coming out of the Cuddy, the man hurriedly stuffing his shirt down into his breeches.

"Oh," he said, turning red, "Sir."

Norrington stared at him, a vein pulsing in his eyelid. "Get."

The officer went.

"Captain Norrington," Lule trilled, as though he hadn't just caught her in the middle of something highly immoral.

"Miss Compton. Walk with me?"

"Of course." She slipped her sweat-slick arm through his and his stomach churned.

Norrington led her artfully toward the stern, inquiring, "I do hope you are feeling well."

"Yes, very, thank you. I thought the baby might keep me a little under the weather, you know, but I've been doing wonderfully, you needn't be so worried. You all do worry so, and like I keep telling Theo, I've been through so much worse."

Theo?

"But I'm sure that's not why you wanted to talk with me, James."

Oh, I'm James now, am I? And here I thought you'd skip straight to Jamie.

Until this very moment, he hadn't any clear idea what he was planning to do, but the sugar-sweetness in her voice revolted him as much as it infuriated him and before he could stop himself or even think about what he was planning to do, he had shoved her roughly back against the railing, aligning the back of her neck with the breadth of the wood. He muttered one quick prayer for the innocent baby's life, and threw his weight back against her head. There was a sickening snap and her skull lolled loosely on her shoulders. He stared at her for one, horror-struck second, appalled and amazed and exultant at what he'd done, then he pushed her away from him and she flopped over the side into the sea.

"James? Have you seen Lule?"

Norrington turned around, a puzzled smile growing on his face. "No...No, I haven't, Lieutenant. I do hope she's alright."