So last night CAPSLOCK_LIES hosted the #ltmdrinkinggame, and it was quite fantastic and everyone should join next time. CAPSLOCKERS got stuff done, and we all thought we were hilarious. recoilandgrace, divakat, and Village Hall, this is for you.

ONCE UPON A TIME EVERYBODY WAS IN VEGAS AND EVERYBODY WAS HITTING ON FOSTER EXCEPT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY MATTER. LIKE CAL AND REYNOLDS. CAL WAS CHECKING HER OUT SUBTLY-OKAY NOT SUBTLY AT ALL, BUT HE DOES THAT ANYWAY TO EVERYONE SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.

ANYWAY GILLIAN WAS HELLAHOT AND TOO PROFESSIONAL TO COMPLAIN, PLUS ALSO SHE SAW THAT CAL WAS WAY TOO PREOCCUPIED WITH MISS TTOTT TO FOCUS ON THE CASE. TRUTH OR HAPPINESS, NEVER BOTH, AND CLEARLY HE CHOSE HAPPINESS. HAPPINESS FOR HIS LIBIDO. NOT HAPPINESS FOR HIS HEALTH AFTER THEY GOT BACK TO DC. AND R-DAWG WAS TOO CAUGHT UP WITH VEGAS FEVER WHICH IS LIKE BEIBER FEVER ONLY WITH VEGAS. HE EVEN BOUGHT THE T-SHIRT. AND THE POSTER. AND THE CARDBOARD CUT OUT. WHICH WAS WEIRD BECAUSE HOW DO YOU HAVE A CUT-OUT OF THE VEGAS SPIRIT? ANYWAY THEY WERE ALL INSANE.

SO GILLIAN DECIDED TO TAKE MATTERS INTO HER OWN HANDS AND DO HER OWN INVESTIGATING. SHE HAD SUPER SMART DETECTING SKILLS, SO SHE KNEW ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO WERE NOT KIDNAPPERS OR KILLERS. BUT SHE WAS SUSPICIOUS OF THE MAN WITH THE RUSSIAN ACCENT AND SHE DECIDED TO TRAP HIM. BECAUSE SHE IS A NINJA AND WINS EVERYTHING.

BESIDES, THE RUSSIAN-ACCENTED MAN TOTALLY HAD THE HOTS FOR HER. IT WAS HIS KRYPTONITE. AT LEAST SOMEONE APPRECIATED HER GORGEOUSNESS. SO FOSTER PULLED A BOTTLE OF VODKA OUT OF HER MAGIC MARY POPPINS PURSE, TUGGED DOWN THE BODICE OF HER DRESS, AND SASHAYED HER WAY DOWN THE HOTEL HALLWAY.

WHEN SHE KNOCKED ON HIS DOOR, HE LET HER IN RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE DUH VODKA IS IRRESISTIBLE TO RUSSIANS AND GILLIAN FOSTER IS IRRESISTIBLE TO EVERYONE. SO GILLIAN POURED HIM SIX DRINKS AND HERSELF A SHOT AND THEY SAT ON THE GROUND AND DOWNED THE VODKA.

THEN GILLIAN USED HER ~FEMININE WILES~ (READ: DAZZLING GOOD LOOKS AND VODKA-POURING SKILLS) AND HE CONFESSED EVERYTHING INTO THE TAPE RECORDER SHE HELD OUT. SHE WAS MUY EXCITED AND SHE PATTED THE RUSSIAN GUY ON HIS HEAD AND HE FELL ASLEEP RIGHT WITH HIS FACE ON THE RUG.

GILLIAN YELLED, "YIPPEE! GO ME!" BECAUSE SHE WAS UN POCO TIPSY AND POPPED OPEN THE DOOR. A LESSER WOMAN WOULD HAVE TRIPPED, BECAUSE INTO THE ROOM TUMBLED CAL AND R-DAWG, DRUNK OFF THEIR REAR ENDS. THEY WERE SAD BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT GILLIAN WAS HAVING SEXYTIEMS WITHOUT THEM AND THEY HAD FINALLY COME TO THEIR SENSES, SO CLEARLY THE SMART DECISION WAS TO GET TOTALLY SMASHED. SO THEY DID, AND CAMPED OUTSIDE THE RUSSIAN MAN'S DOOR TO PROTECT HER WITH THEIR DRUNK VIBES.

GILLIAN ROLLED HER EYES AT THEIR SMOTHERING AND THEN PICKED THEM UP, ONE IN EACH ARM, AND WALKED THEM BACK TO THE FLOOR THEIR ROOMS WERE ON. SHE HAS BICEPS OF COMPASSION AND ABS OF BEING KIND, SO SHE HAD NO PROBLEM HAULING THEIR DRUNK SELVES UP THE STAIRS. (SHE WAS TOO TIPSY TO THINK OF THE ELEVATOR.)

GILLIAN PUT REYNOLDS IN HER BED AND PUT THE SHEET OVER HIM, ALL THE WAY UP PAST HIS EYEBROWS BECAUSE THAT'S HOW SHE'D SEEN PEOPLE ON TV DO IT. ONLY SHE FORGOT THAT THOSE KIND OF SHEETS ARE FOR DEAD PEOPLE. THEN SHE PUSHED CAL ONTO THE FLOOR AND TOSSED THE COMFORTER AT HIM. "YOU CAN USE THE VODKA BOTTLE FOR A PILLOW."

THEN SHE REMEMBERED ABOUT THE SHEET AND DIDN'T WANT R-DAWG SUFFOCATING, SO SHE PULLED IT BACK OFF HIS FACE AND TUCKED IT IN AROUND HIS SHOULDERS AND THEN KISSED HIS FOREHEAD AND PATTED HIS ARM. "SWEET DREAMS, DUDE," SHE SAID. SHE PATTED CAL, TOO, BUT WITH HER FOOT.

THEN SHE PULLED ALL THE PILLOWS AND THE EXTRA COMFORTER INTO THE BATHTUB AND MADE A COZY LITTLE NEST THERE AND CURLED UP AND MADE SOFT LITTLE BIRD NOISES TO HERSELF.

AND THEN THE POWER WENT OUT.

THE END?

A very wise woman once told me, "Never apologize for CAPSLOCK." This is me not apologizing.