:: Going Under ::
Gensomaden Saiyuki
Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki, which rightfully belongs to Minekura Kazuya.
Rating: R
Pairings: Homura/Goku, hints of Sanzo/Goku
Warnings: post episode 39, language, shounen ai/yaoi, mild lime
Notes: I'm honestly not sure if what follows deserves an R rating, but FFN can be über-strict, so I'm playing it safe here.
Anyway! A random Homura/Goku fic, done to ease writer's block and because I wanted to write a sort of tender scene for this pairing. (And good Lord, did I work on this. I can't remember the last time I went over something in red ink so often.) Raw and unbeta'ed since my main beta-girl actually has a life and I don't want to add on to her stress. But I combed through this the best I could, so I hope it's up to par. Many of the italicized sentences should seem familiar to people here, and that's because they're from episode 39.
Constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated.
All you need to do is follow me.
An odd, pensive sensation washed over him. Not intensely; it wasn't like the waves crashing at sea. It was more like a pond on a breezy day, with little ripples flowing across the water's surface, carrying along whatever was there. His emotions were like that now, spilling over him in gentle trickles. Normally he was a very emotional person. That was what made him so energetic, or so deeply depressed. When he felt something, he really felt it.
Tonight his calm state was very... odd. Shifting slightly, Goku let out a heavy sigh and turned over on his back, one leg thrown across the blankets. The drapes normally covering the glass door across the room were wide open; anyone that wanted to could have easily looked in from the second story balcony, or could have come crashing in as they swung down from the ceiling. Because of his lazy mood, Goku found he didn't care.
The stars were unusually pretty, he noticed. Sitting up, Goku climbed out of bed and padded toward the glass door, pressing his palm against it. Despite the cold he didn't flinch, just pushing harder, trying to nudge it sideways. When it didn't budge he looked down and flipped the latch. The narrow door slid open with a soft swoosh, allowing Goku the freedom to step into the chilly night air. He shivered as the frigidness brushed over his skin, slowly encasing him in a blanket of coolness. He hadn't even taken a step across the threshold, staring into the sky with an expression of mild perplexity.
Little pinpricks of white light reflected dazzlingly into his eyes. There were so many stars, uncountable amounts -- Goku knew; he had tried counting them many times before and had always failed -- and it made him feel oddly insignificant.
Your existence is far more important than you think.
Standing in his place, Goku tilted his head back a little more before he raised his arm. Closing one eye, pointing to a solitary star, Goku began to silently count. To an outside viewer it would seem as though his hand only moved inch by inch, but to Goku it seemed to take miles for the tip of his finger to trace one star to another. He easily lost count, but instead of growing frustrated as he always had in the past, he merely let his arm fall limply to his side.
The moon was cool as well, but not icy. Strange; only weeks ago Goku would have described the moon as solitary, cold and unfriendly. Despite all the miniature companions surrounding it the moon had always seemed so distant. It didn't give brilliant light as the sun did, and it certainly wasn't as warm.
But nor was it cold anymore. Instead it was like a fresh spring on a pleasant summer day; soothing to touch, calming his nerves at the mere sight of it.
Goku wasn't sure if this new perspective alarmed him or not. It certainly did make him think; he'd been doing a lot more of that as of late.
Especially since their most recent encounter.
You are a heresy, just as I am.
Homura confused him. The man spoke in deliberately ambiguous terms, keeping Goku guessing at all of his hidden intentions. It made Homura capricious, and that was something Goku wasn't quite used to. He had known his traveling companions long enough for their interactions to become almost routine. Hell, even Kougaiji was familiar enough for Goku to predict some of the time.
He didn't know what Homura wanted, other than Sanzo's scriptures-- and, for some odd reason, him. Why Homura would want him was beyond Goku; it didn't make sense at all. After all, didn't he already have friends? Companionship certainly couldn't be what he was looking for. Aside from that, Goku wasn't sure what else someone could want. Friends, good food, and fun times... that's all there was to life.
Well, that and the Sun. But Goku wasn't naïve enough to believe that everyone had a Sun. His particular need for that was unique.
All right, correction, he told himself, backtracking. He knew what Homura wanted; he just didn't know what for. But... the fact that Homura wanted him, seemed to need him...
It felt weird to be needed like that.
Watching you, I can't help but feel this impatience.
Why did he want Goku to go with him? Maybe it had something to do with Homura's desire to overthrow the heavens... no. In retrospection, Goku was almost positive it had something to do with that.
But Homura was a god. He had proven on several occasions (well, only twice, but that was two times more than Goku liked) that he had the power and ability to simply force Goku to come along with him. What could he possibly accomplish by letting him and his companions get away every time they met? Yes, he seemed amused by their antics, but how could waiting to complete his goal make him any happier?
He was too confusing. Uttering a soft growl, Goku pressed the heel of his hand into one eye, as though the pressure would magically alleviate all of Homura's quirks and make them clear to the boy.
"Bastard," he muttered under his breath.
"You called?"
Starting, Goku's head snapped up in search of the voice. It had sounded above him, smooth, amused, and familiar. His eyebrow twitched. Just as Goku stepped forward, Homura swung down from the roof and onto the narrow balcony. Goku halted in mid-step. Bi-colored eyes scrutinized him, one gold, one blue, both annoyingly smug.
"What are you doing here?" Goku hissed, backing across the threshold. All he could think right then was that if Sanzo found out...
Rather than answer directly, Homura countered with a question of his own. "Why so quiet, Son Goku?"
He was the only person Goku could recall addressing him by his full name. Oddly enough, Homura didn't call anyone else by their full name, at least not to Goku's knowledge. It made him feel even more important-- and his rising status from Homura's apparent point of view was unnerving.
Unable to think of a question in return, Goku reluctantly replied. "I don't want Sanzo to find you here."
One perfect eyebrow rose. "I wasn't aware my presence meant we were doing anything incriminating."
Goku was about to retort, but Homura's not-so-subtle implication made him hesitate. Why did he care if Sanzo heard them or not? It wasn't as though Goku would be at fault just because Homura had shown up in his room. He took a moment to puzzle over his own behavior.
Then it hit him. "Why were you hangin' around outside my room, anyway?" he asked skeptically. Furthermore, how did Homura even know which room was his? It wasn't like they stopped at the exact same inn and rented out the exact same rooms in every town.
Raising his arms, Homura grasped the top bar of the doorframe. His demeanor was relaxed, as though they were two friends having a casual chat before he went on his way. "You fascinate me, Son Goku," he said, a smirk playing across his features.
He wasn't sure if that was supposed to be a compliment or not. Rather than let himself think about it, he instead accused, "You're stalking me."
Homura sighed. "That's such a crude term. I prefer observing."
That didn't change the perspective in Goku's mind. Narrowing his eyes, he asked, "Why?"
"I still want you to come with me."
Is that how you want it to be? Doesn't it feel futile?
Trying to shake the memories, Goku muttered, "How many times do I gotta tell you 'no' before you get it?"
Shaking his head, Homura said patiently, "I don't pursue you for only one reason."
"Then why don't you just tell me what you want already?"
"Because," Homura said, his lips curving slightly in a leer. "That wouldn't be any fun."
Goku bristled. It was just like him, always toying with them just because he found it amusing. "Yeah, well, I hate it when you're so..." He paused, fumbling for the right word. Secretive, weird, mysterious... "Cryptic!"
Chuckling, Homura released the doorframe to clap his hands. "Well done. The extent of your vocabulary is impressive."
His face reddened. Goku's voice rose as he spoke hotly. "Don't patronize me! You really think you'll convince me to go with you when you treat me like a kid? I'm not a child, damn it!"
Homura blinked at his outburst. At first he seemed uncertain how to react, and when he spoke it was with deliberate slowness. "I wasn't aware your own companions treated you otherwise."
He wanted to say something to that, wished he could, but Goku found he was unable to. The worst thing was, Homura had a point. As far as his role in the group traveling west went, Goku was the child by default. It was just the way things were. Despite the fact they all had their immature moments (even Hakkai, though far less frequently than any of the others) Goku had been pegged as the child. Of course, he knew his part went a lot deeper than that, was much more important, but the initial appearances remained the same.
Taking a hold of the frame again, Homura watched the boy. When it was clear Goku didn't have a response, he smiled faintly. It wasn't a smirk or a sneer, just a knowing smile.
"Was I correct in my assumption?"
Goku took another step back. He wanted to damn Homura for being right, but knew that was unfair. Instead he said with a tinge of bitterness, "I won't go with you."
"Ever?" Homura tried. Goku opened his mouth to say no, never, but for some reason his vocal cords had shut down. "I'm well aware of the fact that Konzen needs you. But I have another question for you, Son Goku: do you need Konzen?"
For reasons Goku felt more than he understood, all the blood rapidly drained from his face. "I don't live for anyone but myself."
"Off topic," Homura reprimanded. There was a sharp edge to his tone that mollified Goku. "Changing the subject only indicates your refusal to answer out of fear."
"Well, what about you?" the boy demanded. "Don't you need me? Isn't that why you keep bothering me?
"Yes." The blunt agreement took him aback. Bi-colored eyes bore into him, the man's expression intense in comparison to his posture. "I need you, Son Goku."
You need not do anything. I'll protect you.
It felt strange to be told he was needed.
Goku was frozen. He couldn't back up anymore; there was nowhere he could go. And, through his confusion, he also realized that despite his silent, urgent willing his legs had locked and now refused to move.
In a choked voice he didn't recognize, Goku whispered, "Go find someone else."
Homura didn't even blink. "There is no one else, and I won't fool myself into believing so."
"There has to be someone else," the boy insisted. "We can't be the only heretics--"
"You are the strongest full-blooded heretic," Homura cut in firmly. There was a glint in his eye that intrigued Goku, even though he couldn't even begin to explain why. "Like me, you have been wronged by the heavens. I empathize with you. There is no one else," he finished, pronouncing each word in his last sentence with deliberate emphasis.
Blood pounded in his ears, making it difficult for Goku to hear anything but his own heartbeat-- and it was furious, slamming against his ribs as several innuendos flew through his head. As always, Homura had kept his speech ambiguous, thus making it easy for Goku to make his own assumptions and interpretations.
It was one thing to feel he was important. It was an entirely different sensation to have his guess confirmed, to know that he was vital in someone's life. Little gestures, small movements, they all said things words couldn't... but on the flipside, words said things that those physical indications wouldn't.
His legs finally began to move, but not in the right direction. Taking a step toward Homura, Goku found himself saying in a slightly trembling voice, "I can't go with you."
"When did won't become can't?" Homura asked quietly, watching the boy's gradual advance. He didn't seem surprised or startled in any way.
Ignoring his question, Goku continued. "I don't need you."
"But you have yet to answer my question as to whether or not you need Konzen," Homura reminded him.
Goku stopped. He was barely inches from the god, his head tilted back to meet Homura's eyes. The ebon-haired man gazed back, betraying none of his thoughts as he stared at Goku with a calm expression. He was unreadable. He was unpredictable.
"You need me." It came out as a statement rather than the inquiry it had been in Goku's mind. His chest felt tight, his lungs constricted from the lack of air. So many things Homura had said to him in the past were flooding his mind, some making more sense than they had before, others only that much more confusing.
As though sensing his bewilderment, Homura didn't play with words. He nodded, his statement simple. "I need you."
Goku grasped the material draped over Homura's shoulder. He briefly thought that it was smoother than he would have thought, almost velvety violet under his fingers. Tightening his grip on the man, Goku pushed himself up on his toes, easily pressing his lips against Homura's. At first the contact was cool-- not cold, not frigid. There was only a brief moment of hesitation before Homura applied some pressure as well, not letting go of the doorframe for even a second.
Goku drew back quickly, his eyes wide but not shocked. Somehow he had half expected Homura to welcome the kiss, though he hadn't been certain on what the man's response would be. It had been positive... and warm.
Was it really possible for the moon to imitate the Sun so well?
A faint smirk touched Homura's lips before he leaned forward, capturing Goku's mouth in a firmer kiss. This time he lowered his arms, slipping one around the boy's waist even as Goku was squirming to get into a more comfortable position, hugging the man's neck tightly. He had the urge to just draw Homura closer, to make sure nothing could get between them. He wanted to be touched.
Alarm flashed through his mind and he abruptly wrenched back, his breath already slightly short. At Homura's inquisitive look he said sheepishly, "Should move inside..."
Rather than make a snide remark as Goku expected him to, Homura nodded and pushed him further into the room. He followed the boy in, not once releasing his waist even as he used his free hand to push the sliding door shut. The door hadn't even thudded against the frame before Homura was on him again, their lips meeting for several brief instances. Goku kissed insistently back, wanting to extend the short meetings, but Homura seemed eager to tease him. A small whine rose in Goku's throat, quickly cut off as the man gave him what he wanted. He was unable to hold back a barely audible moan of pleasure.
Goku knew he was constantly craving for physical contact. He thrived on it; that contact was what kept him going each day, whether it was a playful (but still painful) punch from Gojyo or a solid thwack from Sanzo's fan. Going centuries without any outside relations had been torment enough. Like with his colossal appetite, human touch was something that Goku eagerly fed upon, constantly trying to make up for all the years without it.
That was why, right now, any and all thoughts of what was "right" and what wasn't vanished from Goku's mind. Teeth gently bit down on his lower lip, sending shivers through him as he finally got the hint and parted his lips. The deep kiss that followed drew out another moan from deep within his chest, the sound muffled from Homura's mouth pressed firmly against his. A strong hand pressed against the small of his back, and Goku's spine curved easily beneath the touch. He ground his body against Homura's, the sharp feeling of the man's hipbones igniting the steadily growing lust in Goku's lower belly. His chest felt tight again, but not with anticipation.
As though sensing Goku's urgent need to breathe, Homura broke the kiss, trailing his swollen lips under the boy's jaw. His chest heaved for air as shivers shook the boy's body. He pressed closer to Homura, digging his fingernails into the man's neck as something akin to a purr slipped from him.
The only coherent thought in his mind now was that it felt so wonderfully, amazingly good to be needed.
A momentary image of a bed came to mind, as though the small rational part of his brain was trying to tell him where the most convenient location to be in this situation was, but any chances of the smoky picture forming into something solid evaporated when Homura began to nibble on his ear. Sensing it was a weak spot, Goku nearly melted in his arms. His control slipped as he groaned loudly. His thoughts felt hazy, unable to sharpen in the fire that was pure physical lust sweeping over him.
Even as he was being pleasured, Goku's hands were itching to move. However, he didn't trust himself to keep up on his feet with Homura lavishing so much attention on his skin, so Goku only slid one hand down the man's chest. When he pushed at Homura's cape it slipped from his shoulders easily, the man's pale but powerful shoulders bared to him. Rubbing his palm over Homura's skin, Goku was distracted as the man began to suck on another sensitive spot just behind his jaw.
Pressing his hand against Homura's chest in a weak attempt to steady himself, Goku almost immediately brushed against one of the man's clothed, erect nipples. Homura stiffened beneath his touch, if only for a second. His curiosity piqued, Goku rubbed his thumb over the nipple purposefully. This time it was his turn to revel in the pleased murmur his action elicited.
"You won't change your mind?" Homura breathed in his ear. The man's low tone made Goku start, briefly clutching at him before his hands relaxed.
Breathing heavily, Goku was barely able to gasp out one syllable. "No..."
"Then I won't ask again." Homura somehow managed to slide a hand between their bodies, his palm pressed against the boy's crotch. There was first a gentle touch, then a rough one, and Goku let out a small cry before everything became fluid.
Has he ever really needed you?
There were no colors, nothing but blackness behind his clenched eyelids. The colors weren't what mattered anyway, not even the lack thereof. All Goku cared about was the pleasure wracking his body, making him shudder and claw his fingers down Homura's naked back. Sweat dripped from their bodies, the air thick with the scent of salt and sex. It was a heady smell that gave Goku a dizzying sensation.
Forcing himself to open his eyes, the tremors in Goku's body finally began to die down. His lungs were hardly filled as he gasped unevenly, but he was calming. Homura seemed to be as well.
Quietly, Goku was amazed. Though Homura was the type to favor manners, and Goku had heard that staring was rude, not once had the man taken his eyes off his lover. Gold and blue peered down at the boy through half-lidded eyes. His trademark smirk curving his lips, Homura reached up and brushed his thumb once across Goku's lower lip. Despite the fact that the movement was almost uncomfortably girlish, Goku still managed to smile back.
It had never occurred to him that being needed could inspire that sort of tenderness.
"You jerk," the boy murmured under the touch, closing his eyes.
With a soft snort, Homura eased off him. The mattress gave way under his weight as he made himself comfortable beside the brunette. "You must work on your verbal finesse."
Goku ignored the jab. "Still not going with you," he mumbled tiredly, turning over to nuzzle slightly against the man. He liked the warmth radiating from Homura's skin. It calmed him.
"It was never my intention to persuade you in this fashion," Homura assured him.
Frowning, Goku finally looked at the man. "Do you need me or don't you?" he demanded. It irked him to see Homura returning to his evasive act and speech.
"I do." Without so much as a blink, Homura continued bluntly. "But the fact is this: I cannot be your Sun. You've proven that already, and I've accepted it." He was moving, pushing himself up on one elbow. It gave him the advantage of leverage as he peered mercilessly down at the boy. "And so I ask you again: do you need Konzen? Is your desire for the Sun a need or a want?" When it was clear Goku was too stunned to reply right away, Homura reached out and brushed damp tendrils of hair from his lover's eyes. "Could you live without the Sun and still be happy with a lesser replacement?"
The full meaning behind the last question made Goku's heart contract painfully. He literally winced, unable to keep the man's gaze as he ducked his head, fixating his gaze on Homura's collar bone.
It was incredible. Despite his status as a god, even with his immense power and obvious influence on those around him, even after he had gained something with Goku that not even Sanzo had ever had, Homura still thought of himself as a "lesser replacement."
Goku was sure Homura hadn't meant for it, but now he felt horribly guilty.
At last he muttered, "Sanzo saved me. I can't..." He shook his head slightly. "I can't ignore that."
"Then you need him?"
Goku didn't answer right away, and he was honestly afraid to. Still he forced himself to nod. As attracted to Homura as he was, as incredible as it felt to actually be needed and not just wanted, Goku knew that he couldn't leave the group. There was too much regret that came with that.
Strong fingers ran through his hair, tugging until Goku looked up. Homura didn't seem angry, didn't even appear to be annoyed. He simply nodded and said, "Then next time I will be keeping my promise to Konzen."
Next time we meet, I will take him by force.
With more strength than he really felt, Goku smirked and replied, "I'll beat you before you can even touch me."
Snorting, Homura finally pulled away. "I'll hold you to that, Son Goku."
Goku watched as the man began to redress. An idea occurred to him, one that couldn't possibly ever work and he knew he wouldn't want it to. The fact that he kept thinking about it bothered him, but it was a notion he couldn't shake.
Taking a deep breath, Goku sat up and twisted the blankets in his hands. "If Sanzo had never--"
A hand covered his mouth before he could complete the thought. Blinking, Goku raised his eyes to Homura's, taken aback by the look on the man's face. For a few moments there was only the sound of chains clinking.
At last, without removing his hand, Homura said gently, "Don't toy with such notions. I assure you; I respect your decision."
That didn't change Goku's guilt, but he decided he liked the idea of breathing. He nodded slightly to show he understood, and only then did Homura release him. However, the man didn't move away. Instead he flashed Goku another one of his familiar smirks before he kissed him, pressing Goku's head closer to him. A small noise escaped Goku's nose before he responded just as eagerly as he had earlier. He couldn't help it; he still thrived on physical contact. He always had.
Homura finally pulled back, his hand still pressed firmly against the back of Goku's neck. "Next time," he promised. That was all; he didn't seem to have anything else to say. Even so, Goku understood and he gave another small nod. When Homura released him and departed Goku didn't do anything but stare after him. He was silent; contemplative.
Homura's words were really eating at him now. Before tonight Goku hadn't given much thought as to the difference between need and want. Now, after so many revelations, he realized that the line between them could be worn so thin it was impossible to tell the difference at times.
He felt disconcerted, but the physical content still tingled across his nerves. It was soothing, and that made him think of the moon's cool touch.
Well, it certainly couldn't imitate the Sun, but that didn't mean it was without its own positive qualities. Despite the dull anxiety nibbling at his chest, Goku managed to keep that in mind long enough for him to relax and fall into a dreamless slumber.