A Confession of a Man Hater

Note: this is inspired form the latest chapter. No flames please even if I don't know what it is. XD. Don't kill me for this…

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

Here I am at the camp healing injured Shinobi's and in the middle of the war one of them have just given me a love letter. I told him that I already have someone I love and he just accepted my rejection. He said he knew. I just smiled and remembered the time before this war starts. I remembered Ino and how we argue about love.

She ruined my short break from work at the hospital by asking me why on earth I rejected another suitor. Typical Ino, always concerned about my love life when in fact she cannot fixed her own love story. I mean she always told me to accept the love they offered me when in fact she did the same. Her reason, because she is busy and is already in love with someone. Ha, she did not tell me who but I can see it that she was getting much closer to Chouji. You can't fool me pig! Haha. In return, I gave her my own reason for turning down those guys.

"I am a very busy person and you know that we are ninjas that need to protect our village. And… one of the rules says that a ninja must not show any emotions." I always remind her that but, she will add to my statement.

"A ninja must not show any emotions DURING BATTLE OR INFRONT OF ENEMIES." She emphasized. I sighed and leave her alone.

Nurses and doctors usually hear us argue about it every day and they knew it was normal for us. They knew me very well since I work here at the hospital ever since Tsunade shishou trained me. For them, it is usual to see the Haruno Sakura beat the crap out of guys who tried to court me and ends up in the hospital bed. They also knew my favorite victim, the hero of Konoha, Uzumaki Naruto.

Ever since Pain attacked the Hidden Leaf Village and was saved by Naruto, he was given more respect and admiration from the citizens. He gets what he deserved but one thing that never change about him, his humility, courage and… being so annoying. That's the reason why we always have this kind of situation where he was sent flying throughout konoha.

People started to call me man hater.

If you have death wish, annoy or woo Sakura. Guaranteed and proven to be true.

Some other thinks of me as a lesbian.

I don't care as long as they never get into my nerves, they are safe. I am feared by many especially boys whom I sent flying above. I always tell them that I don't need a man.

Yeah right, I don't really need a man in my life since I'm a tough ninja and can protect myself.

However, I know I am lying to myself.

I'm a real woman by body, heart, mind and soul. To tell the truth, no matter how strong a woman she seems to stand alone for herself or how contented she is being alone, she needed someone beside her family.

She needed a man.

I needed a man.

Deep inside, I am longing for a love that I always dreamed of. A love, that could teach me things in life that the academy or war could not taught. That is to know the feeling of happiness, contentment and peace when you rest beside the one who truly love you during the night. The feeling of being in love and be loved. The sound of two heartbeats, that moves in sync. The smiles, appreciation, assurance, hope and love that you can receive from someone that could remove all the worries and pain the heart carries. One simple 'I love you' that could lift your heart and spirit up the sky.

I need somebody to be there for me and never leave me alone. Somebody that would protect me, someone who could understand me and someone that could make me feel safe and secure in his arms. I wanted somebody to show and tell me how important I am and will care for me. Isn't it great to wake up every morning thinking for the day ahead with somebody who care and sleep peacefully at night thinking having you in his dreams?

But, I know that it was just a mere wish that hopeless romantics think.

Another words that escape through my mouth as an excuse for not having romantically involve is that:

"Love was just an illusion."

Yeah. This is the thoughts of broken hearted persons. This are the words stated out of bitterness from failure, anger and pain one can experience from a painful breakup or in my case, rejection. You see, I was ten when I first had a crush on the last Uchiha. Sasuke was my first crush and eventually first love as it grew over time in the academy and during missions. He was the one to break my heart when he left the village for revenge and power. I pleaded to him to never go or take me with him but what did I get, a simple thank you and then, he knocked me out and leave me in the cold bench. You know the rest of the story.

I never open my heart again thinking that he will be back to Konoha as Naruto promised me. But then, I never knew that I have a change of heart. I just want him to come back because he is a friend and nothing more. I fall out love to him after I've seen that the Sasuke I knew was long dead.

Truthfully, I am just really afraid to love again.

I am hurt in the past by just a simple and young love but what more of true love? I wanted to love but afraid to be being rejected again and left alone. I never wanted to feel the feeling of loss of the one you truly love. Call me weak I don't care. This is the real me, hiding from the tough and violent woman everyone knew.

I am very pessimistic that I always told myself that in every love story, it is only in the beginning where one or two could be happy and at the end is pain if love was not enough or really not meant to be. I may take physical pain from battles and heck, I am not even afraid to die. What scares me the most is for my love is put into waste and my heart will be left just in pieces that no one could ever fixed.

I am afraid I admit.

I am afraid to be hurt.

In every time I see couples, two emotions emerge on my heart. I am happy for them but also feel sad for I knew that there will come a time where they will feel the pain of loving. I always see picture of me having the same feeling yet will be discouraged seeing myself crying and left alone. I always question why people kept on loving when at the end they will just suffer? Many said that it is better to love and be hurt than never have love at all. Is it true? I don't know.

I want to know, but I am afraid.

In every time I see old couple, I feel happy for them that their love prevails. Their love guide them together and grow old together with full of love and happiness. But, the negative side of me again contradicts. It said that they are just really meant to be and fated to be while people like me (I believe I am one), who will never had a happy ending. That is why; I kept on dreaming and only in dream that I am one of those happy people. Besides, a ninja like me could die in any minute during missions.

There's nothing really wrong to be single. I am just saving my heart from the consequences of loving and I believe that there's nothing wrong with that. Yet, deep within me, I know that there come a time that my heart will be longing for someone to share every feeling this world could offer. There's part within me that want to be relieved from the emptiness and loneliness and I know that it is yearning for someone to fill the gap in it.

I build a boundary in me. I build a wall around my heart and I am waiting for a man that could crack and destroy that barrier I build. I dream of him that could show me what it means to love and be loved.

I always dreamed of that someone before I go to sleep and wonder when he will come into my life. I am anxiously waiting for that someone and by this time, a build an image of him in my mind. I made a perfect man in my dream and I decided to love only him and if he never comes out in reality, then I will keep on dreaming.

I was busy waiting for him that I failed to notice important people around me. I failed to notice the one which is always there for me and willing to make me happy. I failed to notice him and his love because of my childhood antics. I failed him.

Ever since that day at the bridge when I saw him in Kyuubi state, it was the day I feel so useless to him. I felt fear not for myself but for him that I will lose the person who was always there for me. I wanted to help him but I can't do anything. He became an important person in my life and during that time, more tears fall from my eyes than I did on Sasuke when I thought he died when we were young.

Thankfully, Captain Yamato is there and he was able to bring him back to his old self. I healed him. Captain Yamato said something about 'it's not how big you do something for him but how strong you feel for him' or something like that. He also added that the truth is I … he never continue what he is going to say because Naruto was awakened.

He asked me where I got those scars and I lied to him saying that I got from the enemies. I never wanted him to blame himself.

Then, there is also after the pain invasion, he became the hero of Konoha and I feel very proud of him that I held him in a tight embrace in front of many people. I feel so happy for what he did and also that he is alive.

There is also the time that I confessed to him that I love him and I wanted us to be back at Konoha. I wanted to free him from the promise that he made about Sasuke. The confession according to other was just to stop him from running after Sasuke.

But, for me, it is real and it was just that I told him in the wrong time.

I do love him.

I really do and I feel so guilty from that promise. Sai told me that he loves me and it hurts him to the extent that he will do everything just to make me happy. Naruto did not believe me so I run after Sasuke and plan on killing him. However, emotions got in my way and I did not able to do so. Sasuke was still my friend and I also think of Naruto and what he will feel. He wanted to help him from falling into darkness and even pleaded the Raikage not to kill him. He was about to kill me when Naruto came into view. He saved me and I was glad that he did even though he is still mad at me from that confession.

Now, he is training with killer bee to control the Kyuubi while the war is starting. I believed in him that he will do it and again prove to the world what can the former dead last can do. I just hope that this war will end soon and he is safe.

I don't want to lose him.

I wanted to tell him what I feel for him.

I wanted him to believe me.

To believe that I needed him

For him to know that I needed him because I fallen for him.

I love him for what he is and what he is was the one I am waiting for.

He was the one who I believe long time ago break my barrier I built around me. I just didn't notice it.

What I am waiting for is just a few meters away from me. I just didn't look beside me but instead in a faraway land.

I hope it will not be too late for me.

I hope that he will be back alive to where he belongs.

His home…

Cause…home is where someone thinks of you.