A/N: I wish this would stop happening, I really do. I keep getting beseiged by evil plot bunnies! My brain has become some kind of evil plot magnet. It's good from a standpoint of increasing the amount of stuff I'm writing, but it is a very very bad thing in that it distracts me from finishing...or ever even starting (shifty eyes)...any of the massive amounts of work I always have. Like my physics. And my calculus. And my econ. And...anyway, this line just popped into my my head on Saturday for no apparent reason, and demanded it become a story. So it did. And this is probably the smuttiest thing I have ever written, which is kind of sad - but you try writing smut with your grandmother staring over your shoulder asking what you're doing every five seconds! I wish I had my laptop already! But until that happens (and probably even after it does, because I would suck at smut), you'll have to be content with this, which is slightly smutty and very angsty and ends fluffily, because my last story was just sad and I couldn't do two in a row.
Disclaimer: Were I to own FMA, Ed and Roy would actually do all the twisted and perverted things my mind imagines on a constant basis. They dont; ergo, I don't.
Just a Kiss
How many times, Ed wondered, had he walked down this hallway? A thousand, ten thousand, even more? A half dozen times a day, even more if it was busy and he got sent out on errands; over the years, it had to add up to an impressive sum. All those thousands of times he walked down this hall, he thought, and he'd never once noticed how long it was. He'd never realized just how long it took to walk from one end to the other, never seen that it stretched on for miles and miles without coming to an end.
Of course, out of all those thousands of times, he'd never dreaded more reaching the end of this hallway. And that in itself was amazing, he thought; there had been any number of times when he had desperately longed to be anywhere but walking down that hall, approaching that office, usually because reaching the end meant delivering another report on another failure, and enduring scathing reprimands for damage costs and mistakes he already regretted. He knew deep in his heart, however, that this would be worse.
Yesterday he'd fallen in love with Colonel Mustang. Today, he walked down the hallway to his office to break up with him.
'This was just a kiss.'
Those were the words he'd used a year ago. It had been a long night; they were both behind on their paperwork, and when Roy in his private office and Ed in the outer office had both put down their pens with a relieved sigh, they realized it was nearly midnight, and everyone else had been gone for hours, even Riza. Roy had offered to walk Ed home, as it was on his way, and it was dark enough and desolate enough that Ed's pride let him say yes even though he hated looking weak, especially in front of Mustang of all people.
Standing at Ed's door, Roy seemed strangely reluctant to leave, and the expression on his face was one Ed had never seen before; it was too open, too unguarded, too honest. When Ed turned to walk inside, Roy stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Before Ed could pull away, Roy leaned down and kissed him.
It was as Ed just stood there, stunned, that the unguarded look vanished, replaced by the more familiar expression of cold nonchalance, and Roy told him, "This was just a kiss. Don't think it means anything more than this. It's not a confession and it's not a promise. It's just a kiss."
After that, he'd walked away. It was like he wanted to prove it didn't mean anything.
'Don't think it means anything more than this.'
The next few weeks, it really did seem as though nothing had happened; Ed almost started to wonder if he'd imagined the kiss. For a few days, he tried to avoid Roy, but he found that Mustang didn't bring it up, or even seem to remember that it had happened. Ed knew that was Roy's way of telling him that it hadn't meant anything; it really was just a kiss. Ed was relieved that Roy was content to let it be that, and nothing more. Ed wanted to let it slip into the past; he was glad Roy seemed to want to do the same.
Ed doesn't know why he went to Roy's house when he came back from Izumi's funeral; standing in the train station watching the rain fall outside, it just seemed too impossible to go back to his tiny, empty dorm room, where he'd be all alone because Al had offered to stay with Sig for a few weeks. He'd started walking, and then running, without even thinking about where he was going, just wanting to find some place to escape.
When Roy opened the door, Ed saw his eyes sweep over him, a sobbing, gasping, sodden mess, and thought Roy would turn him away, and he knew if that happened, he'd really go to pieces, although he didn't know why it should matter. Instead, Roy just grinned and picked him up to carry him into the house.
When they slept together, it was not what Ed had expected, if he'd ever even thought about it. It wasn't tender, gentle, and loving; it wasn't even a conscious choice by either of them. It was a violent, inescapable collision of forces, with all the strength of electricity, magnetism, gravity. It was urgent, needy, desperate; it was tangled limbs and sweat and breath and whispered words and Roy's face above him, so beautiful and perfect.
As he left in the morning, Ed looked back at Roy and said "It was just a kiss," and they both knew what he meant. It was just sex. It didn't mean anything more. It wasn't a confession and it wasn't a promise. It was just something that had seemed like a good idea at the time; it wouldn't happen again.
'It's not a confession…"
Ed didn't harbor any illusions about himself and Roy. When it did happen again, two weeks later, and when it continued to happen despite the voice in his head saying that this was the stupidest thing he'd ever done, when morning after morning started with him in Roy's bed, he knew better than to think they had any kind of relationship. Roy had made it clear from the beginning that this was nothing, and would never be more.
Roy had never pretended that he felt any sense of obligation to Ed. He had never pretended that Ed would be the only one. Ed sometimes saw the Colonel out with girls; sometimes he saw them leave in the morning, like he did. It was just another reminder that this was nothing more than a fling.
Roy had never pretended that what they did wasn't something secret. There were no significant glances in the office, no proclamations, no dramatic gestures to make them obvious. There were no dates, no gifts, no flowers. Those were for people who were in love, people who were together. What they had wasn't something to be talked about. Ed was glad for that. It saved him from ever trying to explain it.
Roy had never pretended that this would last forever. Ed knew that it would end, when Roy got bored, or when whatever drew them together faded away. When they didn't need this anymore. Ed knew Roy could walk away at any moment. He didn't intend to try to stop him.
Roy had never pretended that he loved him. Ed had known from the beginning that it was nothing but sex, with no emotions to complicate matters. He knew Roy wasn't interested in anything else, and he could live with that.
Ed was happy with what he had; it had been so unasked for, so completely unexpected, that it was hard to think of wanting more. And what he had was about as much as he could handle. He couldn't deal with emotions. He didn't want love. He wanted lust and need and something to satisfy the desperate loneliness he felt at night, and Roy gave him that. He didn't know what he gave Roy, but it seemed to be enough for him.
Sometimes a kiss is a symbol; sometimes it means passion and devotion and love. Sometimes it's just a kiss. If Roy wanted it to be nothing more, Ed could understand that.
'And it's not a promise.'
Ed couldn't understand how everything could change so quickly. A week ago, he had been content with late nights and early mornings, whispered phone-calls and hurried exits, cold features and colder words. A week ago, it had still been enough.
It wasn't anymore. He lay in Roy's bed, and it wasn't enough. He pulled Roy down by the collar and kissed him hungrily, deeply, madly, and it wasn't enough. It was just a kiss, and nothing more; he could have been kissing Havoc, or Riza, or his own hand, and it would have felt the same. He wanted more.
He wanted Roy.
That first kiss was the only time Ed had ever seen him open; the only time Ed had ever seen him with his mask off. Ed wanted that again. He wanted all of Roy. His body wasn't enough anymore. He wanted to know him, to talk to him, to hear him; he wanted his heart. He wanted the glimpses he saw of Roy when his guard went down and the mask fell away.
Ed was in love, and he hated it. Roy didn't love him; he'd made that clear from the beginning. Roy could never give him more than he already had. Ed had known what he was getting into. But he couldn't do it anymore.
'It's just a kiss…'
Ed had reached the end of the hallway; he stood with his hand on the door, unable to move. He was in love with Roy, and he was about to shatter what they had into a million pieces. He was going to lose Roy forever. Roy was never going to kiss him again, never going to take him home again, never going to sleep with him again.
There wasn't anything else he could do, though. Nothing had changed since last night, when he'd made up his mind that this had to be done. Roy hadn't changed. And as much as hated to lose what little of Roy he had, he couldn't do it anymore. The difference between what he had and what he wanted was too great. Loving someone who didn't love him back was too hard.
The babble of conversation paused when he opened the door. A quick glance told him the office was full; he'd tried to time it so that everyone was at lunch, but obviously, he'd failed. He hated the thought of doing this in front of an audience.
If he didn't do it now he'd never get the nerve to say it again.
Roy turned when he walked in. A smirk spread across his face, and he said, "Ah, Fullmetal. Just the person I was hoping for. We were just having a conversation about how shrimps swim, and…" His voice died away as he saw the expression on Ed's face.
"Fullmetal…Ed, what's wrong?" He asked, sounding exasperated.
Ed crossed the distance between them without saying a word. Reaching up with both hands to cup Roy's face, he pulled the taller man down and pressed his lips against his in an urgent, insistent kiss.
When he stepped away again, letting his hands linger a moment longer on Roy's face, the older man just stared at him, stunned. Ed closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"That wasn't just a kiss. I want you to know it means something more than that. It was a confession and it was a promise. It wasn't just a kiss. I won't ask you to do anything. I just wanted you to know."
When Roy didn't respond, Ed knew it was over. He dropped his gaze, refusing to let Roy see the tears that stung his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Ed said softly. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm sorry."
He flinched when he felt a hand rest lightly against his shoulder. He could feel his heart pounding dully in his chest.
"Ed," said a gentle voice – and when had he ever been gentle? – "Don't apologize."
The weight of the silence was so heavy Ed couldn't move, couldn't breathe, could only stand there and wait for the world to end.
When the world came to an end, it wasn't what he'd expected. It wasn't cold dismissal or angry rejection or words that shattered his heart like glass.
When the world ended, it was with fingers tangled in his hair, tilting his head back, and a hand tracing patterns down his cheek. It was with ink black eyes that met his and refused to look away even though Roy always kept his eyes closed. It was with lips pressed against his in a kiss that he never wanted to end.
The world ended and came back as something unrecognizable when Ed heard the breathless words Roy whispered in his ear.
"It was never just a kiss."
A/N I don't know about this one. What do you think? Did you like the fluff? Is Ed a total slut? Tell me! review! I love you!