Author Note: This is a short story spoof I wrote for a contest on Deviant Art. Since I am not an artist, I opted for the written portion. I hope it's good enough to compete with actual artwork. As for the requirements, there were only a few. It had to involve Joker, and the following three things: Kittens, Poker, and boxer briefs. It must be easier to draw than to write. I hope I do well in the contest and I am posting it here for all to read. Let me know what you think.

Kittens, Poker, and Boxer-Briefs

or

Joker's Surprise!

It was a rare quiet moment in the Normandy, and Joker was enjoying the silence. That was until the annoying voice coming from the computer started to speak. Naturally Joker ignored her; after all she usually just repeated the same stuff over and over again. "Mr. Moreau, you are not allowed to make modifications." "No sleeping while piloting the ship, Mr. Moreau." The list just went on and on. Like he going to let the ship itself tell him how to pilot. He let out a sigh and looked outward into space, just hoping that something interesting would happen.

The clank of heels echoed down the hall, and the noise drew closer. Joker paid no attention to this. It was probably Miranda checking in on him in silence. Joker swore to God that all the females on the ship, human or not, were out to get him in some way or another, at least the important ones. Unlike Kelly, he just hated her.

"Commander, you have a new message at your private terminal." Joker clenched his fist; he had to hear that countless times a day. What was her job anyways? The noise drew closer.

"Joker, the commander would like to have a word with you in his private quarters," the female spoke. He turned around to see Miranda standing there with her normal "you suck and I'm better than you" default expression on her face.

"Thanks, tell him I'm on my way."

"No." She smirked and walked away.

"What's her problem?" Joker thought to himself and got up from his chair. He walked down the hallway and to the elevator wondering what the commander needed to talk to him about, and privately at that. After all, if he needed to talk he would come over to the cockpit and ask how things were before transitioning into something seriously unrelated to the ship. Joker arrived the Shepard's quarters and knocked on the door.

"Commander," he paused, "It's Joker. You asked to see me?" Joker was met with silence for a split second.

"Ah Poker, come in." Joker paused for a moment. Something was amidst in that sentence. He walked through the doors and saw Commander Shepard under the covers of his bed. "This isn't going to end well," he thought to himself.

"Uh Commander, did you just call me 'Poker'?" Joker inquired.

"No," he lied, "I bet you're wondering why I asked you here."

"Not really."

"Doesn't matter, I wanted to show you something."

"What does he want to show me?" Joker wondered.

"Look under my sheets," Shepard instructed.

"I'd rather not."

"As your commanding officer, I am making this an order." Joker sighed. He could not argue with that logic. It was bad enough everyone on the ship had all the freedom in the world, so when Shepard commands something, everyone just follows without any question. Joker walked over to the bed and gulped. He grabbed the sheets and hesitated for a moment.

"Well?" Shepard challenged. Joker swallowed again, not knowing what inappropriate surprised awaited him. With a swift flick of the wrist, sort of like a magician's trick, Joker revealed an almost-naked Shepard lying in the bed.

"I knew this was going to happen," Joker thought to himself, "I'm so irresistible even my commander wants to sleep with me."

"Like what you see?" Commander Shepard asked. Joker got a good look at his commander. He wasn't wearing boxers, yet he wasn't wearing briefs. He was wearing the rare boxer-briefs that can only be found on Earth.

"I'm sorry Commander, you're naked, and I can't," Joker stuttered.

"What do you mean?" Shepard shot up. "Damnit!" he heard his commander curse and shot out of the bed, "Where did it go?"

"Where did what go?" Joker asked, wondering what else was supposed to be lying under those sheets.

"Your surprise; I know you get lonely in the cockpit, when you're not arguing with..." he stopped when he saw the look on Joker's face. "Just help me look."

The two men looked around for a bit, trying to find the pilot's surprise. Although, it would help if a certain man knew what he was looking for. A few minutes had passed when the doors to Shepard's room opened and Miranda entered.

"Here are your clothes Commander Shepard," she sighed and tossed them on the bed.

"You're the best," Shepard responded as he picked them up and began to dress.

"I may be engineered for perfection," she began, "but it doesn't mean I'm suited for tasks like these." The two of them just laughed.

"Tasks like what?" Joker questioned.

"Oh nothing, I just mended his clothes," she snapped.

"Oh, that explains why you were naked." Miranda got a curious look on her face.

"Oh get this," Shepard tapped the only female in the room, "Joker thought I wanted him to sleep with me." Miranda burst out laughing and Shepard soon joined. Joker turned red with embarrassment and was about to leave the room.

"I should have known there was no surprise," Joker said with malice.

"Oh there was one, but I don't know where it scampered off to." Shepard explained.

"'Scampered'?" Joker asked.

"You mean this?" Miranda inquired holding a small creature in her hand.

"Is that…?" the pilot asked as his eyes lit up.

"Maow." the small creature mewed innocently.

"There was a whole litter of kittens in here for you," the commander smirked and then glanced around his cabin, "and I should probably go find the rest of them..."

"Really?" Joker now looked put off as he was getting the kitten from Miranda. "Gotcha!"