Sorry for the hiatus!
We return to our team a week or so after the events of "I Can't Look." I thank you all for reading this far, and I hope you continue to read, because I still have more plans. Now let's return to an Atlantis that is suffering from a little bit of PTSD.
. . .
Sheppard bolted upright, coated in sweat and breathing heavily. He unclenched his hands from his sheets, where once he'd thought they were clenched around Cooper's throat. The panic in her eyes, the sickening joy he felt at hurting her...
If he was having nightmares, he couldn't imagine what she must be going through.
As much as he loved being on the Atlantis Expedition, Pegasus was having a negative effect on his mind. All those times, whether he was aware of it or not, that he hurt his friends was a blow to his spirit. It was literally the worst thing he could think of. John Sheppard, so aptly named, for he had become a shepherd of the people. He was doing damage to his own flock. It didn't even matter how it happened, whether something stole his face or entered his brain or manipulated him, it was all the same, in the end. His hands did harm to the people he swore to protect.
He threw off the covers, not caring that it was an hour and a half before his alarm, and began getting dressed. In the week or so since she'd been back, Cooper hadn't spoken much to him. The raging guilt he felt at his actions wasn't much helped by the fact that it wasn't his fault. Ironically, it had been his attempt at saving Lorne that had caused him to try to kill Cooper.
It wasn't just him, and it wasn't just his lieutenant. Most of the city was still recovering from the disaster, and some people that had been best friends beforehand could no longer even look at one another. Rodney had been among the fastest to readjust simply because he hadn't exactly hurt anybody, and it hadn't taken much for Sheppard to get ahold of him. Zelenka was twitchy around the colonel, as were a few of the Marines. Elizabeth was doing her best to get her emotions under control. She'd called Sheppard into her office a day or two after the event was over and just talked with him. He was glad for that, because it offered them both a bit of closure on the subject. Teyla was willing to forgive and forget, but Ronon was having trouble forgiving himself.
Cooper, the only one who did only what she had to, who had no reason to regret her actions, had apologized to the whole team for what she did to them. Maybe it helped her deal with the issue, or maybe she really felt like she owed them an apology. Whatever the case, it only served to make Sheppard feel worse.
Because he was up so early, and because he had no intention of going back to sleep, he decided to go for a run. The constant rhythm of his feet would hammer out the oppressive thoughts in his mind.
Almost to the bridge, he heard footsteps and slowed, looking around the shadows. Ronon.
"Can't sleep either?" Sheppard asked, taking this chance to drink water.
He shook his head. "Can't think straight."
"It's been rough. We'll get it together, it'll be fine."
Ronon looked at him, and Sheppard knew he wasn't fooled. No one could make that kind of promise at this point.
"Let's just keep going," he finally said, abandoning the conversation and going back to running. Ronon followed wordlessly, his heavy feet pounding the metal in a steady rhythm.