NOTE: This story is sitcom-esque, starring Mercutio and Benvolio from "Romeo and Juliet" and talking place during that time. Inspired by the "Full House" episode, "Fraternity Reunion".
DISCLAIMER - R&J is Shakespeare's, "Full House" is ABC's and all else affiliated. I do not own either and never will, but I love 'em both.
Enjoy/review! Hoping for the best.
. . .
(SCENE: A brisk day in the house of shy, bookish BENVOLIO MONTAGUE, minutes after his friend MERCUTIO has won the day at the plaza. BENVOLIO, two jugs of wine in hand, enters the courtyard with MERCUTIO. MERCUTIO surfs down the stair-railing, screaming with excitement, and BENVOLIO stays out of his way as he laughs along quietly.)
MERCUTIO. STAND THEE ASIDE, CAPULETS! This is the Montague's day...or, to put it fittingly, that of the great Mercutio! KISS MY FEET, YOU BABIES!
BENVOLIO (shakes his head.) My friend, thou art naught but a madman - naught except an idiot.
MERCUTIO. O, deny it not, my man. Those at the plaza saw thee impressed this morning. Soon yet, all of Verona shall know thou watched all, just as they shall know of the fear that was behind Tybalt's eyes just before another pitiful thrashing. Ah! 'Tis too moist, too fragrant... (his voice is buried in his glass as he drinks to himself).
BENVOLIO. Marry, thou art but a taste of a champion, as well an idiot through and through.
MERCUTIO. Soundly, good Benvolio! What, thirst thee not?
BENVOLIO. I wish not to worry, but cannot hold myself.
MERCUTIO. Why, what's there to worry for? Canst thou not feel the breeze, love the sun? (Twirls around and around on a column, his jug spilling everywhere.) This day is one of feasts, Ben, as every house we know of prophesied weeks ago. Good sleep, good fight, good wine; I doubt not to-day will grow better just by going on! You and I and Romeo - wherever the rogue himself should be - shall dabble in whatever houses we want when dark cometh, for no house is without a ball. (Thrusts his arm around BENVOLIO heartily).
BENVOLIO. I would but we stop at just one, and I would we were invited to that one. So, if thou hast some devious plan...
MERCUTIO (sings, loudly). When that I was and a little tiny boy, with hey, ho, the wind and the rain...
BENVOLIO (sighs, but has to smile).
(Enter ROMEO, BENVOLIO's wistful, romantic cousin, covered in something sticky and powerfully fragrant.)
ROMEO (before MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO can ask what happened) NO MORE! Another minute gone by with this shall drive me officially mad!
MERCUTIO. That is unofficial yet?
BENVOLIO. Hush, Mercutio. Cousin, what angers thee?
ROMEO. This pain! This annoyance which must forever mix itself within love alone hath made me a drunken fool. And jest not, Mercutio. It is not my doing, but that of Verona's precious maidens. Ah, curses themselves are they!
BENVOLIO. What's your newest?
ROMEO. Anselme's eldest, cuz. The fairest Ethiope, the worthiest topaz Orlandina!
BENVOLIO. Is she fair as thy formers?
ROMEO. Ay me, she is - formers? Formers! Hush thee, ignorant cuz! There are no formers of mine any-more. I told thee of herself some days ago after mass. I know not how thou hast forgotten her butter cream for skin, and the gentlest touch I e'er did feel when I kissed her straightest finger. (sighs, close to tears.) Slay me, bright angel, and brush thee aside my endurance! (rants on).
MERCUTIO (aside to BENVOLIO). She's of Anselme's kin? Why, they were all a pack of weasels last I looked! Hast thou seen the greatness of Orlandina's nose?
BENVOLIO. (whispers) Ay. I had to slip out the church-door and laugh thither.
ROMEO. ... alas, she is a devil's concubine. I've slept not since I saw her at the bridge at midday some thirty-four hours and seven minutes ago. I saw her again just as Petruchio approached thee, Mercutio, and tried my hardest to meet with her, but she walk'd on. I called for her, you can be sure. But 'twas such a crowd, she heard not my calls for her and I could not see that I was going to crash into a barrel of molasses.
BENVOLIO (gasps). That is this wetness! Rough, cuz, rough. Did she not see thee fall?
ROMEO. Nay. She gave a merry good-morrow to Ricardo, though - or so did her lips and arms.
MERCUTIO. Ay, ay, all's in good humors; Ricardo's a bastard either way. (tastes ROMEO'S shirt). Mmm, 'tis really molasses.
ROMEO. I am wondrous pathetic, and if not for ladies I would not be so.
BENVOLIO. Nay, thou art n -
MERCUTIO. Romeo, have I not been telling thee that for years now? Come, forget the monster-nosed wench and come with thy cousin and me. We shall find the others and start.
ROMEO. Nay, Mercutio, I cannot. There are dances at parties, and there are ladies at dances. There is but one way I can think of riding myself of the plague of love, and that is to look at it no longer. Henceforth, Romeo Montague shall not think of ladies!
(BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO mutter doubtfully).
ROMEO. I'll hear no more! I shall be numbing myself to ladies on my own tonight, speaking only with the dirtiest, most unloving men mine eyes can find!
(EXEUNT ROMEO in a huff).
MERCUTIO. I shall pay him all I've got if he returns to us without being beaten to death.
BENVOLIO (scoffs in agreement). Four of the clock - we had best dress now. Mercutio, hast thou still my necklace? The one with the Montague's crest on't?
MERCUTIO. I wear not necklaces, madam. And dost thou not remember? Thy father took that from thee when thou didst not answer Tybalt's threats.
BENVOLIO (cringing). Oh ay - that's indeed what became of it. Alas, my father took it without thinking! Tybalt attacked me in the plaza when I was not armed, and my father knoweth I do not fight without a sturdy reason.
MERCUTIO. Benvolio, thou canst not fight, at all. And Tybalt only let his maiden-friend tickle thee to the ground. (cackles). Why didst thou not call for me? Then thou wouldst not have shamed the Montagues so.
BENVOLIO. I shamed my father before then.
MERCUTIO. Well, then, why not find Tybalt and prove him wrong tonight?
BENVOLIO. Tybalt shall be at the parties of the Capulets and their allies to-night. We cannot approach him - or would not, unless we were drunk.
MERCUTIO. Or mad.
BENVOLIO. Ay, that.
MERCUTIO (shrugs).
BENVOLIO. Never! I am a gentleman, Mercuito, are not you?
MERCUTIO. Well, I am brave, and all men know that. Come, would not thou like to prove thy father wrong, that thou art not a coward?
BENVOLIO (no answer.)
MERCUTIO. HA! Then 'tis settled. (skips into BENVOLIO's house.)
BENVOLIO (jumps up). Mercutio, where art thou going? Mercutio? MERCUTIO!
MERCUTIO (blocks out BENVOLIO's yelling, singing at the top of his lungs) But when I came to man's estate, with hey, ho, the wind and the rain, 'gainst knaves and thieves men shut the gate, for the rain it raineth every day...
. . .