Alex can remember the day like it were yesterday and not almost a year ago.
The worst day of her entire life.
Alex had days she would have deemed the worst of her life prior to this one. Going into witness protection and finding out her mother passed away were among them.
But nothing - nothing - could have prepared her for this one.
She had just gotten out an arraignment when she was told her wife of two years, Casey Novak, was attacked in court and taken to the hospital.
Alex had been understandably frightened and expected to find her wife with cuts or bruises or at worst a broken limb that she could easily mend with love and cuddles.
But what she actually found when she had actually arrived at the hospital is burned into her memory and one of the worst things she had ever seen.
She heard Casey screaming before she even entered her room. A horrible, pain filled wail that no one should have to hear come from the person they love more than anything in the world.
Everything had happened so quickly. Alex had gone into her room, and when Casey saw her she had screamed for her to get out. A doctor moved quickly and grabbed Alex by the shoulders and walked her out the door before Alex even had a chance to look at Casey.
Alex had given the young doctor the third degree, demanding to know why her wife was in so much pain and didn't want to see her.
Then she was told the worst thing she could ever imagine hearing.
Someone had gotten up from the gallery from the defense side and thrown acid in Casey's face. The amount that hit her face was significant and as a result she had been permanently blinded in one eye.
Everything was explained to Alex over he next couple of hours but it seemed she was walking through a full blown nightmare and none of this was real. It couldn't be real; after all, Casey was her wife and nothing this bad could happen to them.
Alex is expensively educated and sharp, but the words that were tossed around to her that day just didn't make any sense to her. She couldn't put them together, couldn't apply them to Casey at all.
She was told they had sedated Casey and put her in a temporary medically induced coma as a way to deal with the pain of the burns. Morphine hadn't touched it. She was transferred to the burn unit of the hospital where they cleaned and wrapped her face with gauze.
Alex didn't see her until several hours after arriving at the hospital. She had been cautioned on what to expect; Casey would be unconscious and seeing her face wrapped up and swollen was not going to be easy.
Walking into that room was the hardest thing Alex had ever done. Her heart broke when she saw her baby lying there, her face wrapped so tightly, looking completely unrecognizable. She had burst into tears and sat next to Casey's bed, picking up her hand and running her thumb over Casey's wedding band. She talked to her, even though she couldn't hear her. She had told her she loved her, and that she was beautiful.
The days that had followed were extremely hard. Alex was told her wife would need several extensive surgeries, including skin grafts. The acid had burned down to the bone in some places and the risk of infection was sky high. Alex had sat there numbly as she was told that even after the surgeries, Casey would never look "normal" again.
But Alex never cared about "normal." If she did, she wouldn't have fallen in love with Casey Novak.
She wouldn't have been taken by the goofy girl who actually owns a Sex Crimes baseball shirt and has the incredibly annoying habit of biting her nails when she's nervous or unsure.
She wouldn't have laughed until her stomach and sides hurt at Casey's snarky comments during a movie, or by her goofy self in general.
She wouldn't have found the love of her life if she ever cared about "normal". She wouldn't have the most beautiful wedding picture hanging in her office that she looks at with a smile everyday, and she wouldn't have a beautiful redhead to cuddle with every night.
The day the bandages came off Casey's face before her second surgery was a very hard day. Alex hadn't seen her face yet, and Casey had asked with a pain filled voice that she please leave the room so she didn't have to see her like that.
Alex had responded by picking up her hand and telling her she wasn't going anywhere.
The bandages finally came off, and it was worse than Alex could have ever imagined. Seeing Casey's face so burned and disfigured hurt her deep inside. She felt sick, every part of her filled with sorrow for her beautiful wife.
She had wanted to cry, but it was Casey who had broken down when she demanded a mirror so she could look at herself.
"I'm so ugly," Casey had sobbed, her strangled breath and sad words feeling like a dagger in Alex's heart. "You don't want me any more, do you?"
Those words had hurt more than anything; the suggestion that Alex wouldn't want her wife any more because of how she looked.
Alex had tried not to cry, but couldn't stop the cascade of tears as she sat on the bed with Casey and just held her. They both cried, and Alex had rocked Casey back and forth and told her a million times that she loved her and she was beautiful.
"I'll always want you, baby," Alex had said, holding Casey at arms length and looking into her eyes. Her left eye was milky with blindness but she could still see the green.
And all she saw when she looked into those eyes was Casey. She didn't see the burns; she saw her wife, the person she's always seen and the person she loved.
Casey had undergone multiple skin grafts and reconstructive surgeries. She and Alex became regulars at the hospital, and for the most part Casey's spirits had been good.
Alex never treated her as if she looked any different at all. She would look at her face with a smile, and touch her cheek and tell her she was beautiful just as she had always done.
Alex would sit in bed with Casey during her hospital stays, and proudly tell the staff that she was Casey's wife.
Casey was so strong through it all. She would cry at home, but never at the hospital. At the hospital she was a pillar of strength. At home she was broken and Alex would have to put her back together.
For the first six months Alex couldn't get Casey to go out anywhere except to doctor appointments. She would always suggest they go to dinner, or a movie, or do any of the things they used to do.
Casey would respond the same way every time. She would look at the floor and shake her head, ashamed of her appearance.
She had taken a leave from work, not yet able to walk through those doors looking the way she does.
Alex never pushed Casey. Instead, she worked hard to make sure Casey knew she was still beautiful.
Alex always liked to take pictures of the two of them together. She would do it so much that Casey would become annoyed and take her phone away. The pictures didn't stop even now, and her phone quickly filled with pictures of Alex with her arms slung around a woman that society would say is disfigured, but Alex knows better. In each of the pictures Alex is beaming proudly.
Alex constantly talked about Casey, and whenever her name would come in up in conversation, Alex would ask whomever she was talking to it they wanted to see a picture of her wife. She always showed the same one and smiled as if she won the lottery.
The reactions were always the same. People would look at Alex and back at the picture, as if deciding if it were real or not. Alex is stunningly beautiful, and the disfigured girl they would see her with her in pictures just didn't fit. At least not to them.
Most people were polite and would look away and mutter a, "she's pretty," out of obligation.
Alex would simply nod and smile proudly, then look at the picture herself. "Thanks. I know she is," she would always say. And she meant it.
After they would shower together, Alex would link her hands together around Casey's waist and kiss her neck all the way to her mouth. When she'd reach her mouth, Alex would always say the same thing - "Beautiful."
Casey would never believe her. She was so sad all the time. Alex ached for the old Casey, the one who was always happy and goofy. Alex would do anything to get her back.
So she always told her first thing in the morning and first thing before they went to sleep - "Beautiful," and she'd always seal it with a kiss.
After nearly eight months Alex had decided it to was time to get tough with her wife. She needed to get back out in the world and not spend every moment in their apartment.
"We are going out tonight," Alex announced over breakfast. Casey barely looked up from her bacon. "I already made dinner reservations."
"Cancel them. I don't want to go," was Casey's reply.
But Alex wouldn't accept that. "No, we are going. There is nothing wrong with you. You can endure dinner at a nice restaurant with your wife."
Casey dropped the fork onto her plate, causing it to clang noisly against the porcelain plate. "Damn it, Alex, you know I can't."
Alex plays dumb. "Why?"
Casey sighs and forces herself to look at her, exasperated. She motions to her face. "This. Do I have to keep reminding you? I look like a monster."
Alex shrugs and crosses her arms in front of her chest defiantly. "You look fine to me. You're beautiful."
Casey sighs again. She hates when Alex does this. "Take the love goggles off. I am not beautiful, Alex. Not anymore. I never will be again."
Alex is through hearing her say this about herself. She won't stand for it anymore. "Well you're going to have to get over it, because we are going out. I will text you when I am on my way home from work and you'd better be ready."
Alex is surprised to find Casey dressed in suitable going out clothes when she gets home from work. She looks very uninterested in going out but for once does not put up a fight. Her wife needs a night out and she knows it; she's denied it to her for so long.
Alex quickly gets ready and collects Casey off the couch where she is waiting with a kiss. She pulls her to her feet. "Come on, beautiful girl. We're going out."
Casey doesn't reply, but every time Alex calls her beautiful it makes her feel good, even though she knows it isn't true and Alex only says it because she loves her.
Alex says she needs to make a stop on the way and to her dismay, Alex stops at the office. Casey sinks down in the passenger seat and makes no attempt to get out.
She hasn't been back here since she had the acid thrown in her face. She hasn't wanted to come back here. Why would Alex bring her here?
Alex gets out of the car and opens the passenger side door from the outside, offering her hand to Casey. Casey just sternly shakes her head.
"You're coming in. It's after hours; hardly anyone is here. Come in, I forgot something in my office."
"So I can sit here while you go get it," Casey argues.
It does no good to argue. You can't win an argument with Alex Cabot.
Casey finds herself being led down the familar hallway by the hand. She feels out of place, and feels eyes on her as she walks behind Alex to her office.
Alex shows no sympathy for her. She just squeezes her hand and smiles as if she's proud to be seen with Casey.
Casey just can't let herself believe that Alex truly does still find her beautiful. She stares at herself every morning in the mirror after showering and cries for the person she used to be. She doesn't recognize the face staring back at her and she never will. She can barely look at herself, and wonders how Alex can still look at her with such love and pride.
Once they reach Alex's office, Alex starts to rummage through her desk, obviously looking for something.
Casey stands by her side awkwardly and looks around her office. It's been almost a year since she's been in here. Alex has moved some things and around. As she walks around behind the desk, something in particular catches her eye.
The photo that Alex has framed on her desk is different. It used to be their wedding photo; the same photo Casey had in her office. She looks at it now, tears running down her eyes.
It's a recent photo that Alex took with her phone. Just a silly selfie of them laying on their backs on their bed. Casey is smiling in the picture, and her face looks just as bad as when Casey looks at it in the morning.
Casey raises her head and looks at Alex, who is still rifling through her drawer. She has to grab a tissue from the box on Alex's desk.
She can't believe Alex has this photo in her office. She can't believe she would want to look at that, or have other people see it.
Finally Alex stands upright and turns to face Casey. "Okay, I must have - oh god, why are you crying?"
Alex immediately picks up Casey's hand and Casey just points at the photo. "You - changed the picture - "
Alex looks at it as if she can't figure out why Casey is so upset. "Yeah. I did that like that six months ago."
Casey is crying now. "Change it back, Alex. Please."
Alex frowns. "Why? This is such a cute picture of us."
Casey shakes her head. "No. It's a cute picture of you, Alex. Not of me. Not anymore."
Alex sighs. "Damn it, Casey. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are beautiful, and I love you. And I am proud to look at that picture every day and to show it off."
Casey turns her back to Alex, crying but not wanting Alex to see how much she hurts. God, she misses looking normal. She misses going out in public and not having people stare. She misses being herself and not self conscious when she's intimate with her wife.
Alex walks around to face Casey. "You know what I see when I look at you?" Casey shakes her head, keeping her head down. "I see you, Casey. I see your beautiful soul. I see the person you've always been, the person you will always be. I see your compassion and love and trust, and it's beautiful."
She places her hand on Casey's chest over her heart. "This heart right here, this is you, Casey. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside. All that matters is what's in here, and that something is beautiful."
Alex's voice is so sincere, so direct, and as she looks into Casey's eyes, Casey knows every word is true.
Alex's hand remains over Casey's heart and she smiles that smile that completely melts Casey on the inside.
Casey is crying again. This time, she doesn't try to hide it. Without a word, she grabs her wife and wraps her arms tightly around her. Alex hugs her back, and they cling to each other and allow themselves to be consumed by tears.
They cry for what happened to Casey; for the permanent effects she will have her entire life. They cry for the past year that feels like it's been stolen from them.
But most of all, they cry for the love they feel. It's all consuming and forever, and both of them feel it in their hearts now more than ever. Alex knows that she has Casey forever, and Casey knows that Alex will love her unconditionally for the rest of her life.
After their tears have dried up, Casey is the first to break them apart. She looks into Alex's misty blue eyes and smiles. A real, genuine smile and it lights her up from the inside.
"You're beautiful, Alex," Casey says, her voice soft. "And so am I."
What did you think? Thinking of doing more random one shots occasionally. if you have any ideas for a one shot let me know.