Obsessed. The proper definition is to take up ones thoughts to…preoccupy them. In a way I guess you could say I was obsessed with death. I'm not going to lie for the most part that's all that runs through my mind. But not for the reason you think I wish I could tell all of you out there that the reason why is because I lost someone very close to me …but I can't I'm too shy but I can at least write it all down .That is one thing I can do.
Julia that was her name. Julia. I always loved the name it was a beautiful name for a beautiful girl who meant ever thing to me. the girl that I thought was the one the girl that I ruined the girl that I had killed everyone fights but me I just couldn't let it go I had to keep yelling at her I had to keep saying those harsh words to the one person I loved the most
I can almost remember her face when she backed away from me as if I was some horrid heartless monster … which I agree to I am I am truly messed she ran off grabbing her bike heading off quickly into the night something told me –go after her you need to I had this weird feeling something bad would happen …I had never been more right in my life and it was all my fault
When she ran off a drunk driver swerved and hit Julia no one could do anything she was killed instantly when I had made it there I swear I part of me died with her I remember her lifeless body laying there in the road it was the most painful thing I had ever seen before we got to the hospital I knew there was no chance I laid there with her all night i deserved this for saying those harsh words to her but she …she did not deserve it this beautiful girl could not possibly deserve anything like this
After that I was lost broken I didn't care about anything school friends family they all slowly drifted away from me I isolated myself from everyone I know it didn't help and I didn't care but I just couldn't stand to be around anyone anymore everyone and everything always reminded me of Julia and I just …couldn't stand it anymore .
Do you know what it's not like to hold the person you love the most in your arms and hold them close so you know there safe? Not seeing that smile that could lighten my mood every day at any time? not making memories ? Or being it there presence? Seeing those brown eyes that made you feel warm and like you were far away in some magical land were nothing could go wrong? Or even not being able to hear them shout those horrible words at you? Those were the last things I had said to her and thinking about it just ripped me apart
So there you have it stop being so judgmental all of you out there I have already gotten what I deserve I don't need this anymore so please give me a break I just want my Julia back and I know I'm not going to get her but more than anything I just want her to have a chance at living I never believed in god but please if there is someone up there make sure she's okay make sure she knows she will always have a place in my heart make sure she knows I never meant anything but it's not going to happen I know this so all I can do is hope . now you see why everything reminds me of death and why everything in my head revolves around death just please stop …I've never cared a lot about what people say but when it comes to Julia my Julia don't mess with me .