Hi fellow readers and shippers. My name is Riley and I've become addicted to Carmilla, so here it is my first attempt to writing some angst AU song fic for the fandom. Please don't hate me! Any mistake is mine. English is not my first language. I hope you all enjoy! The song is by Katy Perry. Basically, Carmilla and Laura meet during their senior year. When Carmilla is turned into a vampire, she's told she has to leave the country and everyone she loves, behind. So she does so. But she doesn't tell Laura the real reasons why she leaves, leaving Laura heartbroken.
Summer after high school when we first met
We'd make out in your Mustang to Radiohead
You weren't even into that kind of music, but she was and the light in her eyes when she spoke about her favorite songs made you feel like a zoo had taken over your stomach. She was so beautiful and passionate. Like the color red. You know that if you had to describe her with a color, red would be. Also, the way her hips pressed against yours while she kissed you made you feel like you could melt away. She had an old black Mustang and you never thought you could like cars but when you found yourself sitting on her lap and wasting her lips away with kisses, you felt like cars are as important as the kind of bikes you enjoy to ride. But only because you're with her.
And on my 18th Birthday
We got matching tattoos.
"I promise it doesn't hurt that much, cupcake. It's okay. We'll do just fine… Besides… I plan on showing off our tattoo to our grandkids when we are old, so they know that true love exists." That was her excuse to get a little half moon on her hip. You got it in your wrist and it didn't hurt as much as you thought it would. She looked radiant about it and you two took pictures together with your matching tattoos. You wouldn't do something like this for someone else. But only for her.
Used to steal your parents' liquor
and climb to the roof
Talk about our future
like we had a clue
"But Carm… What if your mom finds out? What if she gets mad?" "Easy, cupcake. My momster is out of town on a conference… We can have some fun… Besides, you need to trust me. I won't let you fall. Now give me your hand. My rooftop has an amazing view of the city." She said, as she pulled you up her roof in one easy movement. You talked about love, life and mysteries. About how your dad would've killed you if he found out you aren't studying the organic chemistry of alcohols yet you are tasting alcohol directly from the chocolate liquor bottle. "So you told your mom you're going to study at Silas only to be with me?" "Of course, cupcake. If we're lucky, we'll get paired up as roomies." She said, cocking her eyebrows repeatedly with a kinky smile. You can't help but blush. Future looks promising. But only because it's with her.
Never planned that one day
I'd be losing you
It shatters you to the floor. You cannot believe that forever ended in a blink. That future won't be as thrilling as it sounded. That you ended up alone. You woke up one day to a note on your pillow that read "Come to my house ASAP. It's important. C."
When you heard the words coming out of her mouth, the same mouth that a year ago was touching yours for the first time and making you feel like the cookies you love so much are bitter, your whole body went into shock and suddenly, after the phrase "I can't do this anymore" reached your ears, you became deaf to the rest of the world. You stopped hearing the outside only to hear your internal organs explode. Everything was hurting. And you were sure that Carmilla's maid could hear the thumping of your heart against your ribcage as it beat. But you are sure it's starting to slow down. You're sure it is breaking, physically, even though it's impossible, but you are certain that medical miracles exist, for good and for bad. And in this case, your heart is being thorn to pieces and your lungs are becoming claustrophobic into your ribcage. You feel your insides closing in and tears are cascading down your cheeks. You close your eyes and collapse on the floor. When you wake up, you're back into your bed and a box of your old cd's and shirts is sitting on your desk, like a constant reminder that you weren't enough. That Carmilla chose a life without you in it. That forever was a lie. Because forever was supposed to be only with her.
In another life
I would be your girl
we'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world
It's been 3 years and you still cry yourself to sleep. You still feel a void into your chest that you cannot fill. After telling you she didn't want to be with you anymore, Carmilla left to Paris with her mom and she told you Long Distance was not her thing, even when you told her it wouldn't be that bad. She also pointed out that you two wanted different things. And that was unsettling to you. Because she said she wanted a future with you. Because your paths seemed to be intertwined that night that you kissed her chocolate flavored lips due to the alcohol. The night that you two had your first time together and promised forever would last longer than a year. Maybe in some other life, you'll be good enough but only for her.
In another life
I would make you stay
so I don't have to say
you were the one that got away
The one that got away
You begged her to stay. You threw yourself into her arms and sobbed and begged for her over and over at the airport. You couldn't believe you did it, but you went to say goodbye in hopes that when she saw you, she'd realize of what she was doing. But it was useless. She seemed like the coldest person you've ever met and she seemed to cringe every time you were near her. You didn't understand why, suddenly, she was so distant. She wasn't like that. It was like someone else had taken over your girlfriend's body. Her eyes were different. She didn't have the soft glow she used to have when she stared at you. They were hard. Her hands were colder and her skin was like stone. Somehow, you felt like nothing could trespass it. Not even your love for her.
Perry, your new college friend, comforts you after you confess to her with tears falling down your eyes why you can't go out at night. Why when they mentioned that the amount of philosophy majors was surprisingly low and that probably it was because people weren't so smart these days, you had to run away from the conversation and back into the safety of your own bed, under the covers, into your castle of memories.
Carmilla was smart and she wanted to be a philosophy major. You remember perfectly how you held her in your arms when her mother told her that her dream was trashy and that the only thing she'd achieve would be a spot in the public school as a philosophy professor. Which she didn't mind. But she had lost faith in herself and you helped her built it back. You kissed away her fears and she believed in herself again. You only did it for her.
I was June and you were my Johnny Cash
Never one without the other, we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you
I put those records on.
That year, you won best outfit as a couple for Halloween and the price was eaten away in one night at a crappy motel that your girlfriend rented in order to have some private time with you and you only. Between laughter and kisses, she made you promise she'd always have you in her life. And she promised to be in yours, forever.
It's stupid, but you do it either way. Their concert is amazing, and a part of you hopes you had listened to their music before Carmilla introduced you to this band, because now every single melody draws back memories from the happiest time of your life. But now you're in their concert and you love the lyrics in the same way you know Carmilla must have loved you. A silly part of you hopes for her to be there. But of course, she isn't. Yet, her face is still the only one you look for into the crowd.
Because you only need her.
Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the Blues
It's time to face the music
I'm no longer your muse
As usual, you find yourself doing something new. It's kind of your thing now. That's how you got a new hair cut. That's how you now have a pierced belly button, that's how you quit cookies and sweets and replaced them for vodka and hard liquor and that's how now you are a smoker. No, you aren't addicted to cigarettes, or that's what you tell yourself. You are addicted to the numb feeling of not feeling pain for the 5' that it takes you to lose another 7' of your life with each cigarette you smoke. Perry has pointed out how awful this habit is and you have to admit that smelling like nicotine at 8:30 am every day makes you sick to your stomach. But her absence is even worse and you find the lack of clean air satisfying somehow. Like you die a little bit more with each inhale and you lose a little bit of her memories every time you exhale. And you hear her. You know it's her. But this time it's not a song being sung to you when you can't fall asleep again after an awful nightmare. It was a song being sung into a microphone, for other people to hear. You feel like the privilege of being the only one to hear her sing is stolen from you and your chest burns one more time. When your eyes meet her slender body, she's wearing her typical black corsets. But the tattoo is gone. It's no longer there. It used to pop up as a red spot of blood on the snow. The contrast of its darkness and her skin made the action of staring at her bare stomach delightful. Your chest burns. You get up and make your way out of the bar that seems to have walls closing and crushing on you. She has moved on and you haven't.
But in another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world
As you are sobbing your heart out and trying your hardest to light the thin cigarette between your lips, you feel an all too well known hand on your shoulder "Hi cupcake. It's nice to see you again. I believe I owe you an explanation…
And there, you lost it… Because of her.