Breathing, a blue exorcist/青の祓魔師 fanfic

I breathe in. I breathe out. Calmly. Slowly. He reciprocates. He breathes in. He breathes out. Calmly. Slowly. Nothing is being rushed. Nothing is being forced. Nothing is tainting the easy atmosphere.

"What are you doing Shiemi?"

He wants to know what has brought me here; what has made me lay on his bed next to him in the dead of night. I pretend I don't understand.

"What do you mean?"

He adjusts himself so that he is completely on his side facing me, his hand tucked under his head. His eyes, those piercing sapphire orbs, are staring intently at me. I turn and mirror his position. He leaves almost a foot of space between us, careful not to touch me. He tries his question again.

"Why are you here?"

Rin had grown a lot in the past three years. When Yukio's satanic powers came to fruition Rin suddenly grew a lot closer to his brother. He taught him the little knowledge he had about themselves and promised to grow alongside him. He started to take studies seriously even though he still despised it heavily much to Yukio's surprise. He was stronger now, much stronger. He was slowly but surely making his way up the ranks to match his ex-paladin sibling. He had learned to see things from other's perspective; he was more aware of others. Those eyes that had learned to read people were watching me now, were waiting for me to tell him what he wanted to know. I couldn't lie to him. Not anymore.

"I want to be with you."

"Why?" he asked seemingly unfazed by my answer.

I remembered back in the day when my being near him would cause him to panic and blush furiously like an embarrassed schoolboy. All that changed the second his father, Satan, had made his way to earth. Rin had learned quickly which things in his life were necessary and which things were distractions. I had yet to learn which category I fell in.

"I feel safer when I'm with you."

He is silent for a moment taking in what I had said. His eyes were flitting between emotions. Shock, disbelief, caution, wonder, confusion. He was showing no dominant one, they were all there, all vying for his attention. It was no wonder he couldn't comprehend it. True he had won back the trust of all our friends but there was still a thin veil of untrustworthiness hanging over them. They loved him. I knew they did. He knew they did. It took a lot of time to get used to the idea that their friend was the son of Satan. The offspring of the epitome of evil. These days they had been much more lenient in their emotions. The veil was tearing.

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why would you feel safe with me? I'm not safe."

He was dead serious. I knew he was right. The attacks never stopped. Demons kept coming for him. Humans in contracts with them kept coming for him. He would probably never truly be at peace ever again; not in this lifetime.

"But I don't feel safer anywhere than when I'm with you."

"That's dumb," he mused.

He was right in his own way. It would seem pretty dumb to anyone else. But how could I ever explain to him that it was in his arms that all my fears melted away? How could I ever tell him that when he swore to protect me I believed him and could never doubt him? How could I say that hearing his voice banished every shadow clinging to my heart, silenced every voice in my head? There was no way he would believe me. I smiled at him.

"Maybe, but I do."

Those eyes were searching my face, hunting out the lie; not finding any reason not to believe me. He didn't speak. I didn't speak. He was breathing calmly, evenly. I was breathing calmly, evenly. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. In sync. I studied his features. His onyx hair was still the messiest thing I had ever seen, flopping this way and that over his pillow and a little over his eyes. That at least had never changed. The open window behind him allowed the moon's light to silhouette him giving him the appearance of a storm cloud camouflaging a crystallized sun, it's silver lining breaking around his skin. I shattered the silence.

"Rin?"

He focused on me again, leaving his unanswered questions behind.

"Yeah?"

"Can I stay?"

I had never before slept in the same bed as anyone else with the exception of Izumo on one occasion. Tonight however was different. I had had a nightmare. Rin had lost himself to his demonic side again and had been furiously seeking my murder. I didn't want to be alone in my room anymore after that. But why would I want to come to the person who supposedly was the source of my nighttime terror? I didn't make sense to myself sometimes. I had silently left my room and opened the door to his. I found him alone in his room since Yukio was gone for a few days. His tail swished back and forth. He recognized my presence. I used to be too shy to do anything as forward as crawl into someone else's bed at night, but I had gone through changes too. I had soundlessly slipped between his sheets and had listened to his breathing until he spoke. I did the same now. A breath in. A breath out. Seamless air flow; proof he was alive. Proof that he really was here and not a nightmare. I let out a single shaky breath waiting for his answer. He let out a slow sigh and closed his eyes.

"Ok."

I couldn't stop the small smile that made its way across my face. I scooted closer to him. He opened his eyes when my arm relaxed around his waist. He looked down at me, his eyes still shining despite being in shadow. He was probably wondering why I had chosen to cuddle up to him this way. Why I had chosen to be so near to him when others were still coping with his proximity. I smiled up at him. He blinked, then smiled a sleepy smile back, his sharp canines peeking out ever so slightly, a light pink dusting the tops of his cheeks. I took it as permission to continue. I intertwined our legs together and took the hand that had supported his head into mine. He was so warm and comfortable I felt at ease immediately. I brought his fingers to my lips.

"I love you," I whispered.

Silent breathing. In and out. Unrushed. I wondered how he take my confession. He could assume it was the undifferentiated love I had for all my friends. He might understand it as the type of love I held for my hero like a child would. I waited patiently.

"Ok."

I let out a single breath. He understood. He had known it to be the kind of love where I wished to wake up in his arms every morning. The sort of love that made me want to hold him close to me and protect him from every evil in the world. The type of love where I would willingly give up my soul to him, for him. He pressed his lips to my forehead gently.

"Thank you."

I smiled. He didn't love me the same way. I wasn't fool enough to believe that he would reciprocate my feelings just like that. I knew not to expect anything from him when he could barely comprehend why I chose him to harbor my feelings exclusively. His chin rested on my head and the hand that had lain loosely between us he allowed to drape over my hip. Maybe someday it would happen. Maybe someday he would know what it meant to love and be loved by someone at the same time. The night is still, not a sound to be heard in the dark. I felt the steady rise and fall of his chest, the gentle waves of his breath weaving through my hair, the strong heartbeat drumming in his chest.