Too Close

I remember once in school someone saying I came from a broken home. That's what they used to call it when your parents got divorced, even though getting divorced was the least broken they ever did.

When I heard that as a kid, I wondered if broken homes were where broken people lived. It was silly, I mean I was just a little kid.

But, to this day I still wonder.

You can build a house out of anything, make it as strong as you want, but a home, a home is more fragile than that.

A home is made of the people you fill it with and people can be broken, sure, but any surgeon knows what's broken can be mended, what's hurt can be healed, that no matter how dark it gets, the sun's gonna rise again. Meredith Grey; You're My Home

Meredith stared at her old phone. She was sitting on her and Derek's bed and kept staring at the phone she held in her hand. She knew there was one voicemail on it, only one. It was from Derek. But she just couldn't bring herself to listen to it. It was just too hard. Everything was just so hard without him. She couldn't press 'play'. She would cry for sure. Like she did when Amelia confronted her but she knew she needed to listen to this message. Derek's final message was her key to get peace. "Oh, god, Derek, I miss you." She murmured silently, looking down at the phone. Derek couldn't hear her, he was dead. But she missed him anyway. But she had Zola, Bailey and Ellis. And even Amelia and Maggie were there for her, Alex too. She had a strong support group … she knew that but she still missed Derek every day. He was – is – the love of her life. It has been a rough day and it was about to get even more rough.

"Okay, Mer. You can do this." She said to herself, her feet tapping against the floor, nervously.

Her finger hovered over the button 'play'. She knew it would be hard to hear his voice after such a long time. She tried to get herself together but if wanted to move on, to actually start moving on, keeping on living, she needed this – closure. She stared at the date. The date reads March 26, 2015. That's when he tried to call her and she didn't pick because she was busy getting to work. Meredith shook her head in confusion. That wouldn't have changed anything anyways.

Derek still would be dead and she'd just have a memory of him talking to her.

She wanted to go back to the time when Derek was still alive. She needed more time with Derek, just like Ellis felt about Richard. But it only keeps going on faster and faster and you can't get off. There is no more time. But you can't go back, you can't press pause. Then she just pressed it and it his voice filled the room. Her heart began to beat erratically and she needed take a few deep breaths. When she finally was able to press 'play' she closed her eyes for a moment.

"Hey, it's me. I'm on the ferry."

When Meredith heard Derek's voice she felt tears rolling down her cheeks and she breathed in sharply, she shuddered slightly when she heard his voice. His voice, her dead husband's voice – this was Derek's voice. But it was only on a voicemail, not in real. She wanted his voice to be real, telling her everything would be okay. But that wasn't possible. Derek was dead and he was never coming back, not ever. Now it got so real. She tried to hold back sobs that were threatening to escape. This was like recalling memories, only worse. She heard his voice although he is not …

"I just wanted to say that, um ..."

" God, I wish you could see this. Weather's classic Seattle. Oh, the water is so blue. It may be the most perfect ferryboat ride I've ever had in my life."

Yeah, I do too, Meredith thought silently, a tear escaping her eyes. If that meant I could be with you, just one more moment with you, Derek. It's all I want. Meredith wiped her tears away but they just kept flowing down her cheeks. She imagined them being red and tear-stained. She wanted to be with him, the pain that something in her life was missing couldn't get more obvious. She missed Derek, she missed him so much. She didn't want to spend her life without him but now the circumstances are forcing her to.

"We're gonna do this a lot more when I get home, by the way... you, me, and the family. We're just gonna take a day and... Ride the ferryboat... all day if we want."

She would have to do that with the kids. She needed to do that, maybe Amelia would accompany them, she was family too.

"I love you, Meredith." Thank you for saying it, Derek. But she knew it, otherwise he wouldn't have considered resigning from this job. Maybe if he hadn't resigned, he'd still be alive. But that were all maybes and no definites. "I love you, too, Derek. More than you can imagine." She whispered, tears running down her cheeks, she was relieved that she was alone in this moment.

In this moment, she felt Derek next to her. She remembered the best moments in their story. Moments she'd never forget, at least not willingly …

"I know I just left, and I'm not even at the airport yet, but I just wanted to say... I love you. I love our family. And we're gonna keep doing this."

It was hard to listen to this message when the memories are like knives cutting into her heart and ripping it to pieces. But this was part of the process. She is supposed to be feeling those things.

"I'll see you when I get home."

When she heard those words, she couldn't hold it back any longer. This was it. He was not coming home. 'I see you when I get home' would never become reality. He would never see her when he gets home because he won't ever get home and that is what makes it so final. Derek Shepherd was dead and he was not going to come back. And before she knew what she was doing she was crying. She finally allowed her tears to flow, to let her emotions get set free and to feel the pain that Derek Shepherd's death had caused her.

It was normal, she was supposed to be feeling it – grief, loss and pain. She needed to feel it …

"You're supposed to be feeling it... Grief, loss, pain.

It is normal.

We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it's not normal. We're supposed to feel. We're supposed to love and hate...

And hurt and grieve and break and...

Be destroyed and... Rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That's... That's being alive.

That's the point.

That's the entire point." Owen Hunt; She's Leaving Home

"I love you."

He loves her.

That only resulted in Meredith crying harder.

All that pain was coming up, was now surfacing. And it was nearly unbearable. Meredith still had Derek's voice in her head, playing it over in her head. That was all she could do. She'd give anything to be able to talk and laugh and argue with him for real … She'd give anything to be able to do those things. That's when the voicemail ended. Meredith was now crying, really letting go. All suppressed emotions surfaced and she finally broke down for the second time.

Only this time it wasn't in a supply closet. Meredith breathed heavily, she was trying to compose herself …

Getting it together but it just didn't seem like she could. She couldn't stop crying. After another twenty minutes she'd calmed down enough to feed Ellie who woke up and appeared to be hungry. Zola and Bailey were playing with blocks in the living room, Alex agreed to watch them so Meredith can have some time for herself.

Meredith went over to her baby girl's room and held her against her chest so that she can feel her heart beating. It calmed her and soon, after she was fed, she fell asleep. Meredith looked at her sleeping daughter.

She reminded her of Derek. When she looks in her face she sees him and her and it gives her hope. Derek would live on in their children. But unfortunately, Ellie would never meet her daddy. But at least, Meredith could tell her that her father wanted her. He wanted a third baby and that was Ellie. He would never meet her. Ellie looked at Meredith with big baby blue eyes, she had her father's eyes. "Hey, Ellie, looks like you're awake." Meredith cooed and reached for Ellie's stuffed animal, the one that she really likes. "Here, look what I have …" Meredith enjoyed that time with her youngest daughter. It was a gift that Derek left her, he left a piece of him in her and that piece was now lying in her arms.

Her thoughts wander back to Derek.

He'd told her to wait for him and she will do that, waiting for him.

They'll be reunited when she dies with 110 years, after raising three beautiful children who maybe will have children on their own. She would have to make the best out of a bad situation. She will continue to wait for him the rest of her life. That way she has to believe that there is some place where she will meet him again to get their happily ever after, if that's even possible.

She has Zola, Bailey and Ellie, also her Grey Sloan colleagues and friends, Amelia and Maggie. She had people here. A support group and that is what keeps her moving forward. She'll concentrate on her family and her research. She'll put this to good use. Maybe she should become a neurosurgeon.

She'd always been interested in neurosurgery.

Maybe that would be a good idea.

So she can live up to Derek's legacy. Yeah, maybe she should get double-board certified. One in general surgery and one in neurosurgery. That sounds like a good plan. Maybe she should talk to Amelia about that, or Alex since he has become her new person. She needed him in order to make such a decision. And Amelia, since she is the head of the neuro department, Meredith thought about what Derek would say to a decision like that. Would he support her? Maybe. She'd always shown great potential in neurosurgery. But back to the voicemail: Amelia needed to hear it.

The voicemail.

It was from her brother, she deserved to hear it. She needed to give this phone Amelia. She'd want to hear this voicemail. He was her brother after all, she owed her this. So the next time she would catch Amelia alone, she'd give her the phone.

"I have something for you." Meredith addressed Amelia as they were standing both at the nurses' station.

Amelia looked at her sister in law, waiting for her to continue. Meredith reached into the pocket of her lab coat and took out a cell phone. She laid it on the counter and told Amelia that it's her old phone.

"It has one voicemail on it. Password is 1515." Meredith told her and turned to leave. Amelia glanced over at the phone. It was clear that the voicemail is from Derek. Amelia swallowed and eyed the phone suspiciously. Then Meredith left but before she disappeared, she turned around and said: "And make sure you're alone when you listen to it." Amelia stared at her for a moment. This was about Derek. She felt it. Amelia looked at the phone for a moment and then put it in her lab coat pocket. Now wasn't the time. Later was better.

Next stop was the attendings' lounge but even there was stress between two persons as it seems. Meredith watched them for a moment, the way they interacted with each other clearly told her that something was going on. "What is the matter with you two?" Meredith asked, noticing the tension that was palpable. So she decided to step in, to do something about it. She started playing the dead husband card. "My husband is dead. Yeah, I'm gonna play that card. You." She looked at Richard. "You walked away from Ellis, never got to be with her, and now she's dead. Adele is dead." She started and then her gaze wandered over to Catherine Avery. "And you... I don't know who is dead for you. But the both of you are very, very much alive and breathing and driving each other crazy. And you yell and argue and fight, and you both should be thrilled to be able to do those things." She said and paused. "I would give anything to be able to do those things. And none of those things are reason enough to not be with the person that you love, especially when there just isn't enough." She looked between those two and repeated with a shaky voice: "There will never be enough time. And you both know that. So whatever it is that that's coming between you two, will you just please figure it out? Figure it out." With that she left the room.

The wedding wasn't cancelled. Richard Webber and Catherine Avery got their things together and got married. The ceremony was taking place at Meredith's house. Meredith was looking for her sister. She wanted to find out what is going on with her. She's been acting strange since she's got that mysterious phone call. Maybe someone of her family died or something. Meredith went out of the terrace and saw Maggie sitting there on a wooden bench, looking into the night sky. "Hey, what is wrong?" Meredith asked as she walked outside, seeing Maggie crying.

"And don't say you're fine." Meredith said, wanting to help her, whatever it is. It is what family is for. "I'm fine." She got as an answer. It looks like they're not so different after all. Maggie was the doing the 'I'm fine'-thing apparently too. "What, did someone die?" Meredith asked concerned.

Maggie exhaled sharply before attempting to answer her sister's question.

"My parents are getting a divorce. My mom called and told me today. She's been having an affair with the man that services their cars... For 11 years. He's been servicing their cars and my mom. And my dad found out about it years ago, and he was enraged, and he stuck with it for me, because I was... I was still in town. I was always around. You know, so they held it together for the kid. Classic. Except the kid's a grown woman. They wanted to preserve my... happy, idyllic... pathetic, crap-filled lie of a childhood!"

It was clear that Maggie had cried. Meredith came nearer and sat down on the bench next to her sister.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Meredith reacted to Maggie who finally revealed why she acted like that, she hadn't expected to hear that. "I... Your husband died, and I am crying like a 7-year-old over mommy and daddy. I... I didn't grow up like you. I... I've never lost anyone. I never even had a cat die. I still have all my grandparents. There's no darkness in my life. Just, I've never had it. So I-I'm not gonna come talk to you about it." She confessed. "Well, you should always come talk to me..." Meredith started to give advice. "Because whatever it is, chances are, I've seen worse, and I am qualified to tell you how you'll survive. You should always come and talk to me." She smiled at her younger sister. Maggie leaned her head against Meredith's shoulder as Meredith said: "Welcome to the family." From that moment on, Maggie was part of the family.

Amelia sat on Meredith and Derek's bed.

She was alone, like Meredith told her. Meredith's old phone was in her hands.

She wanted to listen to Derek's message but she can't bring herself to hit 'play'. Just like Meredith couldn't bring herself to do this … Then the door opened and Owen was there.

"Sorry, I was just …" He apologized as he recognized Amelia sitting there, tensely and looking at a phone in her hand. "You're alright?" Owen asked as Amelia didn't budge. "I just need to listen to message and I cannot bring myself to hit 'play'." She explained. Owen entered the room and closed the door. He sat down next to her, his hand hovering over the button and when Amelia didn't stop him he hit 'play' for her. It's a message from Derek on the ferry. Owen wants to give Amelia some privacy, but she stops him. Amelia breathed in deeply when she heard Derek's message. When it stopped, Amelia was silently crying. Hearing Derek's voice set emotions free but she was okay, she really was.

"You okay?" Owen asked worriedly. Amelia Shepherd smiled under tears as she looked Owen in the eyes. She was okay, for the first time in months, she was okay. She looked away as she answered: "Yeah." Then she repeated it for a second time. "Yeah, I am." She smiled at Owen. Their hands touched and suddenly, Amelia was kissing Owen.

Maggie and Meredith sat there on the bench when Amelia walked toward them. Meredith smiled warmly at her, she concluded that Amelia had listened to Derek's message. "What are you crying about?" Amelia asked Maggie. "What are you crying about?" Maggie asked back as Amelia came and sat down next to Maggie.

They stayed silent for a second.

"Derek would have loved this. He came from this big, noisy family. I want this to be my last memory of this house. That's what he wanted, to fill it with noise and people." Meredith started reminiscing about Derek, thinking about the things he loved. Nobody answered, they just looked at the happily dancing people in the house in the woods.

Meredith looked at Amelia and Maggie.

Suddenly, she had an idea.

"Okay." She said and stood up. "We have to dance it out." Amelia looked at her sister-in-law in confusion: "What?" Maggie was confused as well but Meredith wouldn't take no as an answer.

"What does that mean?" Maggie asked but Meredith just pulled Amelia and Maggie up and said cheerfully: "Let's go." They went back into the house and danced it out …

For the first time in a very long time.

The last time she'd done this was when Cristina left for Zurich, together with her. She missed her.

Baby's name is Ellis. Did you see her? She's beautiful.

Bet she looks just like you.

I didn't think I could do it. Part of me thought, "What if I have this baby and just die?" And then she arrived, and I saw her face, and I saw him in her. She's beautiful.

In the next morning, Meredith woke up early.

She was tired, yesterday has been a long day. But it was a good day and she made it happen that way. Who knows if they had gotten their shit together if she hadn't said anything to make them realize that that what they have is a precious gift and that they shouldn't waste it since there will never be enough time.

She knows that.

"Morning, Mer. What are you doing here so early in the morning?" Meredith turned around, she hadn't seen Amelia coming into the kitchen.

"Sh, the kids are still asleep. You don't want to wake them." Meredith warned her sister in law and prepared coffee. "Do you want some?" She asked. "Sure." Amelia answered and got herself a cup.

"It was a nice wedding, wasn't it?" Amelia said, breaking the silence.

Meredith didn't answer right away. After some seconds, she said: "Yeah, it was." "How come you and Derek never had a wedding like this? All we got was a call after it happened." Amelia asked, hoping that this wouldn't make Meredith flee in the opposite direction. But at some point, they'd have to talk about Derek. "I am not the kind of girl who likes big weddings. I like it small, Derek and I agreed in that point." Amelia smiled at her.

"I don't have a thing big weddings either."

"We had our own post-it wedding. And you know, it was real for us. We only legalized it sometime in City Hall because of the adoption. But our real wedding was the post-it wedding. We had a real wedding planned but we gave it away to Alex and Izzie. They got married but it didn't work out …" Meredith said while recalling her post-it wedding in the locker room. It had been perfect. Meredith and Derek had five perfect minutes to scribble on a post-it and kiss before they got called into an emergency surgery and they had to operate.

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves.

Then we bargain.

We beg, we plead, we offer everything we have.

We offer up our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain we fall into depression, despair. Until finally we have to accept that we have done everything we can.

We let go.

We let go and move into acceptance.

In medical school we have a hundred classes that teach us how to fight off death and not one lesson on how to go on living. Meredith Grey; Good Mourning.

She most just laid there, trying to sleep but she couldn't because the other side of the bed was empty. It would stay empty. Derek was never coming back. She was alone. She would have to learn how to sleep alone. But this is hell, it is hard to do that. She never wanted to have to do that – living without Derek. But now she was forced to. She can't sleep in this bed, in this giant house Derek built for them. She just can't . Every time she closed her eyes she was seeing Derek. She can't breathe. This whole house is a remainder of Derek's existence. She wanted him, dammit. She wanted him to embrace and telling her everything would be fine. But that won't be the case, now that he is dead. In the next morning Meredith was up early. She went downstairs, preparing breakfast for the kids.

Amelia held baby Ellis in her arms and entered the kitchen. She smiled at Meredith for a second as she catched her gaze. They exchanged glances. Baby Ellis would be something important for Amelia. That was Derek's daughter. The daughter he wanted and whom he would never met. That hurt.

"Look how happy she is. She has no idea what's going to happen to her."

Meredith was standing in the elevator. Bailey was with her, standing next to her. She patted her arm shortly, a comporting gesture that Meredith appreciated. She halfway smiled at Bailey. This was her first day back. After one year she was going to be in an OR again, just … things would be different, way different. The most painful difference is that Derek is dead. He won't ever step into an operating room again, he'd never operate on an open brain again. He won't be able to go fly-fishing. Because he is gone. And nothing will ever change that. All these thoughts were running through her head as she watched all the people leave the elevator in that she and Derek shared so many happy memories. This elevator was the place where he'd proposed, they have a lot memories in here … Most of the people got off. Meredith needed a bit longer, trying to sort her thoughts.

Then she took a leap of faith and got off the elevator.A few minutes later she was standing in the attendings' lounge, wearing her white coat. Then her gaze wandered through the room, landing on Derek's lab coat. His name was on it. Meredith breathed in deeply and closed her eyes for a moment. This was the moment. She knew his ferryboat scrub cap was in the pocket. That was she can say she is close to him – as close as she can be. Derek loves – loved – the ferryboat scrub cap. He almost wore it every time he stepped into an OR. A sad smile covered her face as she remembered her gorgeous husband. She had many great years with him and that was what she was holding onto. See you around, his voice echoed in her mind. He had said those words the day they scrubbed in on a surgery together, that was when she had her first day as an intern. She'd never imagine that that was where she is now. She needed to believe that she can move forward, being extraordinary as her mother had told her … So she put on the ferryboat scrub cap. *'Seattle has ferries. I like ferries.' 'Ferryboats.' 'Seattle is between two lakes and the Puget Sound. So you kind of need ferryboats.'* She remembered the ferryboat conversation they had in the elevator, first or second day as an intern. So many thing were remembering her. That was why she left in the first place. That and because she didn't want the pity stares and so on when they knew that she was carrying her dead husband's child.

It was Meredith's first surgery, Bailey was scrubbing in with her. Meredith was ready. She was getting gowned and gloved. She looked forward to the surgery so she can't be and feel like herself, at least for a little while. She hasn't seen the inside of an OR for a very long time, not as a surgeon anyway. Just as a patient when she had the crash c – section to deliver Ellis. She had been so scared, scared of leaving her children alone … I can do this, move past this. I can do it. I can do it. Meredith thought. Bailey's voice brought her back to reality. She stepped up to the OR table. The patient was already under general anesthesia. So they were ready to start if Meredith was ready to do this. She was. She had her ferryboat scrub cap. Also, deep in her heart she knew Derek would always be with her.

"You ready for this, Grey?" She asked as she looked at her former intern. She'd endured so much, when does she ever catch a break? Meredith looked at the general surgeon who is going to assist her today and ordered in a voice that indicated that she was sure ready for this; "Ten blade." She was about to do the first incision as a thought came into her mind. Bailey watched the young surgeon intently. But she hesitated to make the first cut. She looked up and said: "It's a beautiful day to save lives. Let's have some fun." That was Derek's line. But Meredith always loved it. And then she made the cut. She was back.

"Have you already decided about the house. What are you gonna do with it?" Amelia asked. "Just tell me if I have start looking for a new apartment." "I am still weighing the options. I am not sure about selling it. I have think about what I am gonna do with this house – the house that Derek built for us, for our family and now he is just gone." Amelia just looked at her for a moment. "Are you … you know, sure about selling it? Because he built this for you, he wanted you to have this house even if he isn't here anymore."

"I know. I know. It's hard. All this is hard."

Meredith avoided to look at Amelia.

"This is an unbelievably painful decision, a decision I never thought I would have to make, I never wanted to make … He was coming back and suddenly, there's an accident and the next thing you know is that you're in a podunk doctors who haven't been able to save …"

"This house reminds me of everything I lost. He's here or more his memories are here. We have lived here as an actual family. He is type of guy who asks you about tub/sink relationships when planning to build a house even if you don't actually care about the tub/sink relationship at all. But Derek had been that kind of guy. She missed his dreamy smile, his piercing blue eyes, scrubbing in with him. Everything, she missed everything about him.

That is why she is wearing his scrub cap when scrubbing in.

That way she can feel close to him.

If something should happen to me, I don't want it just to be you.

Well, we'd make pretty babies.

So you're thinking about it.

Oh, I'm thinking about it.

You're anything than ordinary, Meredith!

Meredith smiled at her daughter as she climbed into bed.

"How about we read goodnight story and then we close our eyes and sleep …" Meredith had a good day.

She'd spent part of it in the operating room and another part with her and Derek's kids. She loved spending time with them, reading them goodnight stories.

It was something that her mother had never done.

"I am not tired." Zola immediately protested. After they did that, Meredith kissed her daughter on the forehead before tugging her in. "Good night, sweetie. I love you." She smiled. "I love you too, Mommy. You too, Daddy." Meredith's breath caught in her chest. Her daughter has reached acceptance. Before that, she always asked when Daddy's coming home.

But now she has accepted that he won't come back. That he is gone.