It would be easier if she spoke.
She felt the words in her throat but she was never able to speak them. 'I'm Sorry' she sobs holding her mother's body. As the city burns around her. They tried to get her to speak, but they always wanted more. Another mission. Another need for diplomacy. Couldn't they see she was breaking…?
Carver, Mother, Bethany.
(I'm so sorry…)
She always failed. She always tried but it was never enough.
She had piles of money stained by her brother's blood. Her mother's ghost haunted the halls. She still breathed when they first moved in but there was no difference when she was gone. The silence was still there. Sometimes she even thought she could hear her mother's sobs in an empty corridor, it was almost wishful thinking. A sound of normalcy.
(I failed)
They said she could talk to them. Varric smiled over drinks, telling tales to make her laugh. Anders sometimes seemed to understand, but then he'd begin talking about Mage rights and she hates him as she thinks of her Mother walking towards her with blood dripping down her neck and broken limbs. Fenris doesn't even try, talking about how all mages are evil as she remembers Bethany's smile on a cold body.
It was like their memory was fading away though. The bodies began to pile up around her as she fought, staff in hand. Why was she still alive? It should be Bethany, who always had a smile for even her cruellest enemy or Carver who always protected her family, learning how to use a sword to protect his sisters.
The words were trapped inside her. Trapped like the need to scream.
She tried and tried. Her family was dead due to her trying. The city partly destroyed because she failed. And a war starting because she was blind.
Why should she speak or scream though? It wasn't like anyone had ever listened before.
It would be easier if she broke. No more missions. No more diplomacy. Just stayed in the house as the name Hawke disappeared. The people would stop asking and asking. She could stop smiling at strangers like she was still there. Maybe then she could stop killing.
(Copper fills the air, smoke rising off the bodies of the bandits)
But if she broke, who would help her friends?
(She has friends?)
They needed her help.
(They always need her help. A mirror. An idol. Another target. Drakestone and Sela Petrae. She remembers giving them to him smiling. She'd done something right.)
She was trying to help them.
(Knife in hand. A stab in the back. She was so tired of killing.)
She shouldn't have been surprised when they left her. Everyone else had.