Disclaimer: I do not own Twist and Shout or Supernatural

Dean stared silently at the blank paper that lay on the table with teary eyes. He had done this so many times. And every single time he would just rip it apart and drown his misery in more alcohol.

But today Dean was completely sober. He had taken a shower, dressed nice and he had thrown away every single bottle of booze he could find.

He had taken his motorcycle to their beach. He sat on the sand, and watched the waves for hours. And all he thought about was Cas.

And now here he was, struggling with words once again.

He tried to describe his eyes.

But, no words seemed right.

He tried to write how much he loved him.

But no amount of words seemed enough.

Dean knows no words will bring him back. And he knows there are not enough words to describe how sorry he is. But he promised Cas.

Dear Cas,

It has now been a year since you left.

And I have to be honest, it's been the longest year of my life. Everything reminds me of you. I find myself searching the crowds for your face – I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.

I hear your favorite song on the radio. And every single time I break down. I remember the last time I saw you. I sang that song to you, you were sick, and dying. But even then, while you were slipping right through my fingers, even when you were so dazed and confused, I loved you.

I've tried to go through our pictures. But I can't. I'm not strong enough. You once told me to look at your picture whenever I got scared. But Cas… I've never fought a war this big.

Every morning, I wake up and reach towards the other side of the bed, searching for your hand. But it's not there anymore.

I find myself staring at the sky for hours, because it reminds me of the color of your eyes. I like to think that if I stare long enough, that if I look hard enough. You'll be there, and we'll be together again. And I won't have to miss you.

I don't blame you for not being there

It's only been a year and... I need you. And it pains me to think. During all those years I was gone. How many times did you need me, and I wasn't there?

I broke my promise to you.

And for that I am sorry. God, I want to tell you I'm sorry.

But I can't. Not anymore.

I ran out of time.

And now I know that I will always miss you. And it will always hurt. And to be honest, I just want to end this. Without you my life is just not worth living. It feels incomplete. But, I promised you that I would live and that I would be happy for you. I broke my promise once, but I won't do it again.

I'll come back home to you Cas.

I promise.

See you then.