Disclaimer: Personally i think Stephanie Meyer is just an author who wrote the perfect teen-girls book, the style of writing is terrible and also i think she stole her idea's from other authors. However she is INCREDABLY smart to have come up with such a story that caused soooo much craziness over the last year, mainly.

hey everybody,

just want to say thanks for looking at my fanfic! its kind of extremely random... but i had a total (i know im going to get murdered for this, but anyhoo) I HATE TWILIGHT moment, so my friend ais- as in author of the book of white on fanfic... look her up at aiscat93 i full on cried when i read it... ok emarressing detail number 1!! anyway so i was all AAAAHHH twilight sucks, and ais, who agrees with me, was all like "be an entreponour" (that was spelt wrong but it means someone who doesnt sit around talking, they just act and do things. we're learnig about it in buisness!) and told me to do so, meanwhile i was playing with of her cute teddies (embarressing fact 2) and was all like- OMG this is a VAMPIRE SHEEP!!! he had red eyes and could fly... no joke. So, i christened him vampire sheep, and she was all like you should write a fanfic, because i was complementing her amazing BOOK OF WHITE (read it seriously, if you like city of bones/ashes/glass, you'll like it) and she said your good at writing too.

silence.

so i started to piss myself laughing at the thought and then was like... mhhh... wouldnt it be fun to rip everything out of twilight aswell as have a fanfic about VAMPIRE SHEEP??? no?? well it hink so, so here it is: the worst ever written fanfic like EVER!!!

CHAPTER 1

Bella sighed; everything had turned out so perfectly. Firstly, she had gotten the happy ending that really only came to princesses in happily ever after stories, and now she wouldn't just put down the book... she would live it with her prince charming and beautiful baby girl. In thins happy ending were not only her one true love and baby, but her parents and bestfriend, which was really so unrealistic and kind of irritatingly fantastic. You see Bella was not a normal girl, oh no. She was a woman. But not just any woman- but the wife of EDWARD CULLEN (sigh), the incredibly hot guy who seemed to never age and was drop dead gorgeous! He was also the perfect husband, he used to watch her sleep all night- just like one of those stalkers in those old cop shows! Oh, it gets better, he was also one of those assholes who waved his cash in people's faces by going around town in a silver Volvo, which he had gotton because 'it's a fast car'. Fair enough, because if you didn't have superhero strength and couldn't move at the speed of a race car you NEEDED something to improvise in the quaint town of Forks where practically NO ONE lived. There was also one minor setback, well, he was a vampire, but that's fine, because when he got her pregnant, he was able to save her with venom! What girl wouldn't want that? One that didn't have EDWARD CULLEN obviously!

So she had evaded death because her sister Alice had saved the day. This annoyed Bella greatly, because she wanted to save Rennesme, as she was her mother, but whatever the time will come for Bella to prove her importance in the chlann! No longer will she be the damsel in distress, no she will save the whole family because she left her clutzy days behind her the day she gave birth (against her will- she never wanted to have the baby, but it gave her a better rep as the 'mommy' in the Cullen household.) Now she was the independent BEAUTIFUL and vampire that could kick the strongest vampires butts like the little wimps they are!

She smiled as her genius thoughts brought her to other perfect worlds where she got the perfect ending... which of course ruined any good story.

"This is sergeant Fluffy reporting for duty sir. Over" Barked the white thing, into his microphone.

"Sergeant, what is the update on the operation? Over." Responded his ear piece.

"The personnel in question are defiantly much more infected then we thought. Immediate assistance needed. We need to disarm and get rid of them. Over" There was a few static responses before the message came through.

"Received statement. Response team and Disarmament team will be sent immediately. Prepare for battle, sergeant. Over and out." Fluffy smiled, this would be fun.

Bella floated into her cottage and saw EDWARD CULLEN sitting on their broken bed, reading the book 'The City of Glass'. Bella could tell that if EDWARD CULLEN could he would be crying; his golden eyes shimmering like a thousand stars, at the emotion of the scene he was reading, his beautifully pouty lips silently mumbling the story to himself, and finally his copper tousled hair shimmering as though he used 'Herbal Essence' until the bottle ran out... well that didn't show his emotion, but it honestly did- it looked so silky soft... is only she could just touch it-

"Love, what are you doing, Love? Can't you see I'm like reading C.O.G. love, like seriously love, go away!" Bella pouted, but thought angrily 'How dare he speak to me like that? Normally he's doing everything possible to protect me without actually hurting or fighting or actually doing anything to stand up for himself!' She stood there for 10.6 more seconds, then took the book from his hands and sat down seductively on his lap.

"But I don't want to... I can think of something much more-"

"Give me the C.O.G. now!" she gave a tinkling little laugh

"oh sweetie... its just some stupid GARBAGE!!"

...

There was silence.

EDWARD CULLEN pushed her off his lap, picked up the book and walked into their teeny bathroom, walking with such a strut- you really only saw it on catwalks, then he locked the door and read the book on the loo.

"i could break down the door, you know" teased Bella, getting annoyed at the sudden change in EDWARD BULLEN'S personality.

Where was his slave-like behaviour to her?

Where was his complete and utter devotion to her?

What had happened to EDWARD CULLEN?

So this was my very first chapter of my very first FANFIC, and i would absalutly love if you could in anyway review it!! also if you want to see what the GOOD critics of the trilight series said, go on to amazon and read the 1star ratings, it show you how 'WONDERFULL' twilight really is...... :P

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