I do not own Zelda. If I had the awesomeness to think up such great storylines would I really be writing fanfics?
Btw this is my first attempt at a humour. Tell me if its good or sux or if you have any idea's :D thanx!
A cruel sense of humour.
I gripped Epona's reins as she ran across Hyrule field. The sound of her hoofs along the dirt path and her heavy panting, echoing my own panting, were all the sounds I could hear. I kept checking behind me, fear gripping at my insides as I scanned the view from over my shoulder. I sighed in relief as I saw no one following me. I focused my attention on to a large tree directly in front of us. I was in a battle, so to speak. You could even say I was being chased. But not in the way you're probably thinking. I leapt from Epona's saddle and landed with the grace you'd expect from the Hero of time... Okay so I stumbled and nearly fell flat on my face. I'm in a hurry and I don't have time to think about my landing OKAY!
As I drew the master sword and aimed for the tree a figure dashed in front of me, dagger in hand. Damn it! Not Yet. I won't allow it! But I couldn't stop the one that threatened my very sanity.
"Looks like I'm ahead...Once again." Zelda giggled as she scratched a z into the tree trunk. I groaned as I took one last look at the tree, the entire trunk was littered with Z's and L's.
"YOU'RE FALLING BEHIND!" Zelda called out as she ran off. I didn't realise how far she had gotten already! Surely she rode on the wind itself! Even when I ride Epona she always gets ahead of me!
You are probably wondering what the hell we are doing. Like I said...This is a battle...Okay so it's more like a race. Hence the fact I'm being chased...Okay I'm actually behind right now but you get the point. This whole thing started 7 years ago. After defeating Ganondorf and Zelda sending me back to the past to enjoy my child hood, we became the best of friends. We invented this Game to help Zelda unwind. After all she became very busy not to mention boringly serious as she focused on ruling the kingdom by her father's side. The Game is basically a race around the entire land of Hyrule. Quite a race for two little kids. Each time we get to another land mark we etch our letter into it, proving we aren't skipping parts of the race. The rules...There are none. We can use anything in our power to get to reach land mark. I chose Epona today, I thought nothing could run faster than her but apparently Zelda can.
Arriving half way up death mountain, I didn't bother getting off Epona this time. I pulled the long shot from my belt and aimed it at a wooden pole that stood on a high cliff. With a pull of the trigger I felt myself being lifted into the air, Epona left behind. The wind calmed my adrenaline rush and I found myself breathing easier. I wonder why Zelda never seems to pant in this race until the last stretch? I saw the edge of the cliff coming Into view and prepared myself, With in a moment I had my feet safely on the ground and turned to see a large boulder covered in L's and Z's.
"This is a first! You seem to be in the lead GORO." A Goron said as he chuckled to himself, stepping out from behind the bolder.
"SERIOUS!" The word just flew from my mouth. I couldn't stop my excitement at that time. With that I felt all fear wash away. Finally, for the first time I was ahead! This could be my day! I might win!
"Maybe now is not a good time to do a happy dance GORO." The Goron chuckled again as I stopped enjoying this rare moment. Turning my attention back on the bolder I saw Zelda there, a Z clearly etched into the Bolder.
"See you in Kakaraiko Village!" Zelda waved, smiling that smile that annoys me to no end. Why does she win every time! I dropped off the side of the cliff and landed heavily into Epona's saddle. Epona Reared and let out a rather annoyed Neigh. Lucky for me she enjoyed these races as much as Zelda did. We galloped past Zelda and I let out a victorious laugh.
"What's wrong Zel? Dress holding you back?" To my surprise she smiled...a smile that was slightly unnerving.
"Why yes. I do believe it is." She closed her eyes as thrust her hand into the air, smoke engulfing her. Within a fraction of a second she burst through the smoke dressed now as Sheik. She zoomed past me so fast I had to hold my green hat on my head.
"Much better." She smirked from behind her mask. That fear seemed to grip at my being once again.
Why am I so scared of loosing? Because Zelda acts all prim and proper in the castle or castle town but the truth is...She has a cruel sense of humour. You see the loser has to do anything the winner wants them to. Sure when we were Kids they were pretty tame. She made me eat a lemon whole, or I had to stand on my head for 3 hours. It's when we became teenages that all hell broke loose. I am sure it was within those years that the lock was opened and that cruel, heartless, horror of a sense of humour was released. Despite that angelic smile accompanied by her melodious laugh the cruelness would rear it's ugly head. I was the only one she showed it to.
I'm in Kakaraiko Village now. It hasn't changed. Even Impa still comes here when she is not needed to protect the princess. I got to the well just as Zelda left it, quickly scratching in my L before chasing after her again. I was already losing sight of her.
"Link, You need more training." Impa's Voice came from beside me. I nearly fell off Epona at her sudden presence. She ran alongside us with a smirk on her face.
"To create Sheik I trained with Zelda far longer than you would expect. Maybe tomorrow you should train with me some more?" Seeing as Zelda was already just a speck in the distance I had to agree with her.
"Tomorrow at dawn?"
"Sounds like a plan, Hero." She smiled as she finally stopped, allowing me to continue the race. Next was Kokori Forest, I had to get there first and sadly Epona can't follow me in there. The log Tunnel came into view. I jumped from Epona's saddle and slipped in the mud. Apparently a Hero of Time isn't the least bit graceful. My home was the next target.
"Link She Just entered your house!" Saria cried out! "You can do it Link! We don't want a repeat of when you were 15!"
Erk. That. Let's just say it was one of her tamer ones. After Losing the race she told me to yell out an embarrassing secret. Hey it was just the two of us. And she wouldn't tell. I thought I got off relatively easy. You see...and don't go spreading this around. I kinda...just a little...I wet the bed when I was 13. I had a lot to drink and I was exhausted! I didn't even know till I woke up the next morning! That is the only time I wet my bed since I was 2! I swear! Don't think little of me okay! As expected Zelda had a little giggle. What was not expected was she had invited Saria, Ruto, Malon and Nabooru for a picnic lunch. And they heard everything! I have never been so embarrassed. I never want to go through that again. I was so red I looked like a tomato, My face was so hot I was sure you could cook an egg on it and I felt so humiliated that I couldn't even eat the beautiful food the girls had prepared! And trust me it would have been delicious.
I finally got to my home and scaled the ladder, skipping every third rail. I heard Zelda jump off the small wooden balcony and land gracefully on the ground. And this time I mean graceful. Besides Me, Impa, Saria, Ruto, Malon and Nabooru no one knew Sheik was Zelda. They thought 'He' just filled in for Zelda if she couldn't make the race. Her landing was obviously graceful because at that moment the Kokori Girls were going goo goo over her. They sighed and Squealed and jumped up and down as their Fairies danced around them. Who knew my rival at being Hyrule's number one male hottie would be a chick! Zelda took the time to smirk at me, her eyes dancing with excitement, and I'm sure some evil idea's for my losing punishment. With that she dashed off. Damn I had stopped again. I have to remember to think AND run at the same time. I pushed down my feelings of annoyance and went back to climbing. I only wish I could push this fear down as well. So much for me holding the triforce of courage. Look at me! Terrified because of a girl! a Princess at that!
In my house I looked at my bed, the L's and Z's once again scattered it. I cut in my L and patted Buttercup, the cow Malon and her father gave me. I always wondered how they got it up here...And how can I get it down. After all I am so sick of cleaning up after it. I began my journey to the next destination. Zora's Domain.
As I ran I began to contemplate another way of winning. I had to win! Seriously Zelda is Evil! I don't want to dress as a cucco and dance around the town. Or The time had to eat...actually I wont tell you what I had to eat. It makes me feel sick at just the mention of it. And I really don't want to get covered in honey and made to sit in an ant hill again. And when I say covered I mean from head to toe! EVERY INCH OF ME! Urrrr...I still have nightmares of that.
I jumped through the waterfall just in time to see Zelda jump out. The water caught her hair and dripped from her tight clothes. I almost wished she didn't bind her chest when she became Sheik. How does she bind it so fast? And how does she even change clothes that fast? And where does her dress go? Those are the questions that ran through my head as I reached lord Jabu Jubu and the sign next to him. I paused and looked at it quizzically. Zelda didn't mark it off. Why?
"Sorry! King Zora blocked off the path and I had to take the long way." Zelda's voice came from behind me. I let a smirk slip comfortably onto my face. King Zora always tried to help me out. He was quite handy. I quickly placed my L on the sign and Dashed away, ahead! Finally! That glimmer of hope was in my reach again.
"LINK!" and there it goes! The goddesses must hate me.
"LINK YOU DIDN'T EVEN SAY HELLO!" Princess Ruto whined as she grabbed me around the waist.
"Ruto! I have to go or I will lose!" I began dragging her but I could barely move, let alone breathe, due to her tight grasp.
"But you always play with Zelda! We are engaged! Why not race me?!"
"Engaged?" Zelda raised an eye brow after scratching her Z into the sign. I felt panic rising in me.
"I-It's not what you think! I-I-I needed the Zora Sapphire! I didn't even know what Engagement was back then!"
"But you accepted it so by the laws of the Zora's you are my fiancée." Ruto Declared. Zelda had stopped now as she looked at me.
"I see." Was all she said. That look she gave me...It struck fear into my very heart. I had never been so terrified. She was going to choose something incredibly evil this time. I could tell. It will be the worst thing ever! And I dreaded the very thought of what it might be... What if it was to MARRY RUTO! I think I would force the master sword...No the big GORON'S SWORD through my chest if she says that! I watched her run and Ruto was still attached to my waist. I won't lose! I had an idea...It was risky and I prayed it wouldn't fail. But I CAN NOT LOSE!
"Ruto...May I kiss you?" a blush tinged her blue scales as her eyes seemed to sparkle. With the blink of the eyes she was kneeling before me, Hands clasped together in front of her chest, eyes closed and lips puckered. I felt a pang of guilt. She may hurt me for this but I had no choice. I turned quietly and RAN FOR ALL MY LIFE! RAN LIKE THE DEVIL HIMSELF WERE ON MY HEELS!
"LINK!" Ruto screamed out after opening her eyes. "HOW DARE YOU KEEP A LADY WAITING!" I couldn't help but giggle at the fact it worked. Guess being a devilishly handsome Hero of Time that seems to attract attention of many girls is quite useful at times. Can you blame them though? I mean with my charm, looks, gentlemanly personality, and my big pointy sword who wouldn't love me? You would think with those winning attributes Zelda would be motivated to be a little nicer with her selection of punishment. But no! I wasn't man enough for her. Damn it.
I pulled out my Ocarina and played Epona's song as I ran toward Lon Lon Ranch. It Didn't take long for Epona to catch up to me and with years of practice I grabbed Epona's saddle and jumped on her back whilst we ran side by side. I couldn't see Zelda anywhere. Damn! I couldn't release myself from Ruto's grasp in time. I prayed it wasn't for nothing. That look Zelda gave me...She was definitely planning an Evil punishment. That feeling of fear gripped at me again.
Epona ran through the wooden gates and past the racing ring. There was the little barn on the far edge of the ring. I slashed a large L into the barn side.
"Link I really wish you would write smaller. You're making our barn look trashy." Malon said as she came out of the barn, pitch fork in her hand.
"Is she far?" I asked ignoring the simple request. Malon nodded with a sentimental smile.
"Sorry. She left ages ago. I don't think you can win. And she had quite an evil look in her eyes." I gulped. No she couldn't. What was she planning? I couldn't stand it anymore!
You may be thinking I am over reacting but I'm not. Once, When I was 16, she got me to introduce myself as Fairy boy all day. Doesn't sound that bad huh. Everyone knows who I am. Heck even the fairy wings she made me wear wasn't that bad. Little did I know there was a royal ball at the palace that night and guess who was dragged there? Yes the wings were insanely embarrassing but worse of all, every rich and upper-class person would come up to greet Zelda, and meet her friend. Introducing yourself as the hero of time boost your ego, where as introducing yourself as Fairy boy gets some rather odd looks. They tried to pull Zelda away from me so they could call some 'nice men with white jackets' to take me to a 'nice, happy' place. But that's not the worst. There was the time she made me ride Epona into town...Epona was painted pink! Because of that followed by the time I had to act like a girl I was accused of being Gay for weeks! Then there's the time I had to ride Epona into town wearing nothing but a loin cloth! Or the time she made me swim in the castle moat naked! Or the time...dare I say...she made me go around for an entire day dressed as her...Not the Sheik her either but the PRINCESS HER! Gay Transvestite was my title for ages. Those weren't even the worst that she did. All that I have mentioned are rated 4, 1 being bearable and 5 being pure evil! But now...I was facing much much worse. The look she gave made me think it would be rated at least a 10. I can barely survive a 4! Right now I wouldn't mind Ganondorf taking over again just so I would escape this punishment.
"Wanna play a song with me before your doom?" Malon asked, trying to pull me from the pit of depression and despair I was currently drowning in...what did she say? Play a song? Song...SONG!
"Malon you're a genius!" I screamed as I pulled her into a hug. I left a blushing and happy Malon behind as I began playing my Ocarina. Why have I never thought of it before? I had songs that warp me to nearly everywhere in hyrule! Including lake Hylia! I opened my eyes to find myself standing next to the old dead tree, also littered with Z's and L's. Zelda stopped before me wide eyed.
"Heh. Now you don't have a chance. All that's left is the spirit temple and the temple of time...and I have songs to both." I boasted as a smug look crossed my face. At the same time we both etched in our letters. To my surprise Zelda also smirked.
"Who do you think taught you those songs?" she stated as she pulled out her harp. Damn it! I forgot that! I whipped out my Ocarina and we played as fast as we could. Within seconds we were at the temple.
"Wow! You guys warped this time. Well we still won't let you go easy?" Nabooru said as her and her Gerudo comrades readied their swords. They decided around 5 years ago we needed more of a challenge and they needed more training. So now they try and keep us away from the temple wall so as we couldn't easily leave our letter behind. The fight broke out and we pushed our way through the masses of warrior women. I always thought Zelda had it easier, it's hard for me to hit girls, thieves or not. I quickly swung my sword, stopping a Gerudo sword from hitting Zelda. Damn. I did it again! If I let her be and thought of myself I would be ahead but I couldn't forget, she is my princess, my friend. And without realising it I always fell into the position of her hero, saving her even at the cost of my victory. We both made it to the wall at the same time, slicing our letters into the wall in unison. Straight away our instruments were out, our fingers danced over them with a speed that was not known to either of us. But neither wanted to lose. We both opened our eyes to see the temple of time before us. And we both ran to the Master swords pedestal, graffitied by L's and Z's. She gained the lead, I had to think fast! She made it to the steps... With a flick of my wrist my boomerang flew out from my hand, arching around and cutting just in front of Zelda who was only 3 feet away from the pedestal. With shock evident on her face she fell backwards. Catching her in my left arm and reaching my sword with my right, I saved her and left an L on the pedestal. The only L on the Pedestal. Zelda pulled her mask down and looked at me in shock. My demeanour was smug as an ecstatic smirk decorated my face. I was over the moon! Not only because I was holding her in my arm, or because the pose I was in was so awesomely heroic it would wipe those 'nicknames' out of everyone's mind, nor was it the fact that for the first time all that fear and dread seemed to wash away in an instant but rather I was happy because after 7 long years...It was payback time.
"You won." She said as she stood up straight and was soon enveloped in a cloud of smoke. A beautiful and slightly puffed out Princess Zelda stood before me. I smiled victoriously as I spoke.
"You know the drill. Get in the position." Now don't get the wrong idea by what I just said. The 'position' is just the way the loser awaits their punishment. They have to clasp their hands together under their chin and close their eyes in a begging pose, as if saying 'please be nice!' They are not to open their eyes till they receive their punishment. Which was torture I can tell you! The pain of waiting! Especially when once Zelda snuck out and left me standing there, with my eyes closed, for 17 hours. I only opened them after I had fallen asleep and fell off the steps. Zelda sighed nervously and closed her eyes. Before contemplating her punishment I did a quick happy dance. With that over I paced around her and thought. This may be the only time I will have this chance. I better choose well. Hmmmm.
I could make her dress in my clothes! Wait. She dresses as Sheik why would dressing like me be any different? Maybe it will look bad? I tried to imagine it. Damn it. She was adorable.
Riding a pink horse wouldn't faze her either. Maybe making her swim the moat naked! Wait...that makes me sound like a pervert. That scratches out the loin cloth idea to. And the time she made me walk down the street in only under wear. I thought the Loin cloth was bad but these were boxers with cute little fluffy bunnies on them...PINK bunnies! Wait...
A BUNNY GIRL SUIT! Wait...now I really sound like a freaky pervert! Why can girls make guys do these things and it's nothing but a joke, but when a GUY makes a GIRL do it they could go to jail for being a pervert? I looked at her again. My heart felt warm and I felt like letting her off the hook. Damn I was too easy on girls! She probably designed the 'Position' so I couldn't bring myself to punish her! Damn her and her wisdom!
Maybe making her yell out a secret... no I need a bunch of cute guys here to make that work... I gaze upon her again. Her hair is so golden and soft, bouncing in waves around her shoulders. Her long eyelashes gently rested on her skin as her eyes remained closed. Her lips were slightly separated as she panted,, beautiful pink lips. She looks delicate...angelic...especially with that light coming in from the windows. I watched her breathe in and out heavily, the race finally taking it's toll on her fragile body. I wonder when I first fell in love with her. I can't remember now. But when I was returned to the past I still loved her. I wanted to be with her. That's why I went straight back to the castle...That's why I found her at the window like I did the first time we met. That's why I go through this stupid race despite the embarrassment it causes me. Because I want to be by her side every moment of my life. But I won't let this chance slip by. After all this is probably the only time I will win.
Walking up to her I gently pushed her against the stone wall and pressed my lips against hers. Her eyes shot open in shock and I felt her body tense...but only for a moment. As realisation entered her mind I could feel her tension melt away. My arm made it's way around her waist as my free hand held her face, her skin was so soft...I never knew. As we continued to lean back on the wall I found her arms rise up and around my neck. Our first kiss. And it was as magical as the fairytales say it is, pure, innocent, every unsaid word of love passed on to the other as if all our feelings over all our adventures over all these years were said without words. Finally I pulled myself away for air and watched as she slowly fell to her knees, unable to stand due to her now weak knees. I couldn't help but smirk.
"You melt at a mere kiss? You are too cute Zel. Anyway that was only part one of your punishment. Leave your window unlocked tonight." I said as I walked away and raised my hand in the air waving but not looking back at her. I'm sure if I look back I would be on my knees too. I was actually surprised I could walk after such a kiss like that. My lips tingled and I felt a light blush rise on my cheeks. That was the Best punishment I could think of...
Later that night:
"Zelda! It's raining!" I called out, a slight whine to my voice as I knocked on her window. Zelda just poked out her tongue. A cheerful and mischievous smile graced her beautiful face as she watched me pout, soaked in rain and sneezing. She has one cruel sense of humour.