love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

—E. E. Cummings, "love is more thicker than forget"

~oOo~

Matsuoka Rin, you think, is the biggest paradox you've ever encountered in your whole lifetime.

Rin, you recall, pushed into your life without so much as a warning, squeezed past your layers of indifference and apathy, clawed his way into the hollowness in your chest and made himself a home there. His smile was the sunlight itself, warm and bright and addictive, despite the abnormally sharp teeth giving him an intimidating appearance. His crimson eyes were undying flames burning with passion, but you've seen pain and loneliness in them when he thought no one was watching.

You took one step backwards and he took two forward, it's a never ending chase that you wished to be spared of, because Rin was everything you never wanted; loud, stubborn, insistent, ladened with dreams and fragile feelings and a bunch of other things you never cared about. But somehow along the way, he became everything you ever need.

An enigma.

A paradox.

You remember catching yourself staring at his lips one day, wondering why your name sounded so different when coming from his mouth. At first you thought it's because he called you "Nanase", but after a reluctant relay and a few attempts at forging a friendship later, when "Nanase" finally changed to "Haru", the grappling ache in your chest didn't stop. The wringing and flips your stomach made when he put his arm around your shoulder or called out your name, still hadn't gone away.

(They never do.)

Your life used to have an even ground, a solid path to walk on. You're going to swim whenever and wherever you like, and that was it. Then Rin came waltzing in like it's nobody's business, with his pointless talks of dream and the future and questions that demanded answers and you—

—you remember losing your footing, and falling.

It's a long way down, no finite ground for landing in sight.

~oOo~

You were young, he was young, and you're both pretty stupid back then when you think of it.

You think back of all the instances he's hurt you, you've hurt him, both of you hurting each other in an endless cycle of unspoken words and painful misunderstandings. Rin said the cruelest things at the worst of times, and now you've lost count of how many times you two have gotten into a fight over petty little things that others would've brushed away. But you know that an argument is never an argument if it's one-sided. You sometimes wonder if you've hurt him worse, because silence and coldness was how you responded, and Rin was particularly sensitive to both.

And as you mull over past wounds and memories that continue haunting your sleepless nights, you suppose that there's nothing left to forgive, except for yourself.

~oOo~

"I'm sorry," you hear Rin says, voice croaking at the end. You dig your fingers deeper into the pale skin of his hips, his arms, the small of his back, feel his warmth seeping through every inch of your body, caressing you in the way only a pool of clear water under the summer sun can.

(Nothing to forgive, your mind echoes.)

You look into the depths of Rin's teary eyes, and you're still falling.

~oOo~

You don't do emotions, or at least, you don't show them often. But then, Rin happened.

Rin is like the tiny, persistent crack in the walls of the resilient dam you've built all these years in your heart, his laughter the rain that keeps on falling and filling it up, his smiles the birds that peck incessantly at the walls with their sharp little beaks, as if hoping to break through and find something on the other side. It starts as a slight line, thin and discreet enough for no one to notice, and then it grows, bigger and larger until the cracks ultimately send the entire wall crumbling down, setting free all these feelings you've been hiding inside.

You feel everything overflowing, gushing out of you in waves of inexplicable emotions, of love and longing and this painful desire to touch, to kiss, to hold him close in your arms and never let go, to mark him yours, to call him 'mine'.

And all that love, all those feelings you have for him…

It hurts.

People always say that Rin is the helpless romantic of you two, the one who's head over heels, 'I'd swim across the Atlantic Ocean for you' kind of partner, but you and him both know that you're just as bad, just as deep in this shit as he is. You remember stealing a glimpse at him as you're walking down the quiet roads of Iwatobi, hand clasped tight in his own icy one, shoulders bumping with each step. Two high school boys, hearts beating madly in their chests, loud enough for the other to hear. You saw the lovely blush adorning his cheeks, his eyes looking at everywhere else but you, and it's in that moment that you realised they're wrong. All of them were.

(If, say, Rin is chest-deep in this love, then you are already drowning with it.)

~oOo~

"Haru," Rin whispers to you one night, lips lingering on the top of your head, breathing in the scent of your hair. It's the same with Rin's –light lavender with a touch of sweet vanilla- you two do occasionally share the same shampoo anyway, but Rin insists that you smell heavenly even when you're sweating like hell, and that he'll never get tired of it. "I love you," he says, voice uncharacteristically soft, like a lullaby.

You've been together long enough to know that this is not just Rin being a romantic loser with a penchant for sweetly whispered confessions after a particularly fantastic session of love making, this is Rin being himself. Rin opening up. Rin's moment of weakness.

For lack of a better response, you twine your hands around his arms that are resting on your hips and pulls him close, your back pressed flush to his chest. He's warm, comfortably so. You let your heartbeats fall into a less erratic rhythm, in sync with his.

"I love you too," you mumble into the pillow, almost inaudibly, the muffled sounds hiding the tremble in your tone.

Rin giggles into your hair, nuzzling closer like a blissful child, and it takes you back to when you first met him, this loud, annoying kid with laughter too infectious, eyes too bright and captivating.

You smile your way into sleep –something you've developed a habit of recently- and dreams of what forever would feel like.

~oOo~

You're in the kitchen, placing the candles on the cake carefully and arranging them with the swiftness and elegance only a professional can manage when you hear your youngest calling out for you in frustration, pleading voice coming from the living room.

"Papaaaa! I can't find the party horns and confettis!" he yells, and you can already picture him pouting, brilliant crimson eyes gleaming and glistening in the same way Rin's do when he's tearing up.

(Rin doesn't cry as much these days, he said it's just right that he's gotten over that habit now, because he's a responsible adult, a role-model and your pillar of strength, and he doesn't want to be 'that guy who cries at his son's kindergarten graduation day'. It'll never stop being funny that he actually did cry at Niji's graduation ceremony and you had to step outside for a moment to get him some tissues.

As sadistic as it may sound, you kinda miss seeing his tear-stricken face. It's pretty endearing to see.)

Untying your flour-dusted apron and setting it aside, you glance at the clock on the wall, and smile. Rin will be home anytime soon now. You know from numerous previous experiences that giving directions to Sakura on where the items are located is a futile thing to do, it's always faster if you just go and retrieve it yourself, anyway.

You walk into the living room and all of a sudden, two bundles of energy hurtle into you, knocking the air out of your lungs. Niji falls on top of your chest, while Sakura tumbles down and rolls off to lie on the floor, both chuckling heartily. "You should've seen your face just now, Papa!" Niji says, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Your eyes were wide open, like they're going to come out!"

You sigh, trust the boys to pull such a prank on you. They must have spent too much time with their beloved Uncle Nagisa again; he's really rubbing off on them. You try to sit up straight, but just as you're about to give them a word or two, the door clicks open.

"I'm home," Rin's voice filters through the room.

You freeze.

He steps around the couch and looks down, sees the three of you sprawled on the floor and raises an eyebrow. Ah, another habit of Rin's that you've gotten so accustomed to. "What's this, a puppy pile, and you're not inviting me?"

No one answers, or even breathes. Sakura turns to look at you, notices the way you frown in a mixture of shock and disappointment, and within a matter of seconds starts bawling.

"Waaaahhh! Papa, I'm sorry!" he cries, climbing on top of you and holding onto your neck, his teardrops falling onto your face in a pitter-patter that's all too familiar. "I ruined the surprise, it's all my fault!"

Rin hurriedly scoops Sakura up into his arms, rubbing his shaking back soothingly. "Shhh, don't cry, it's not your fault. Papa is not mad, see?" Rin cooes as Sakura's wails dwindle into choked sobs. "Daddy is not mad at you too, honey… Can you smile for me, hmm?"

You watch as Rin tries to calm him down, and the sight is enough to make your head spin, your heart kicking in high-gear, your mouth going dry. Maybe it's the rush of blood to your head from the fall earlier. Maybe it's the fact that Rin looks perfect like that, a child in his arms and a soft, fatherly look on his face. It's the sight you've often seen by now, but you still can't help the fond smile that finds its way onto your lips.

In the end, the surprise party turns out okay after all. Well, minus the surprise part.

Rin helps to cut and serve the cake slices while you usher the boys to fetch their presents. He manages to slide his arms around your waist and whisper a quiet thank you in your ear, licking and nibbling lightly –a promise of more to come- before the children return with their gifts, and you struggle to hide the shiver racking your spine at the thought of what Rin's birthday night entitles him to.

(You're always tired beyond belief the day after, all energy drained out of you within the course of a single night -and sometimes morning- but Rin'll be glowing with happiness, and that's all that matters.)

After a rather wild cake-feeding session by the boys, in which you've been somehow dragged along, Rin breaks into a full-blown grin, a white spot of whipped cream on his nose and messy remnants of cake left around his mouth. You grab a handkerchief from the counter and dab gently at his face, and when you're finished, he leans down to peck you sweetly on the lips. Niji makes a horrified sound in the background, while Sakura claps in glee, running towards Rin to ask his daddy for a kiss.

Rin turns a year older today. You pray that you could be there with him for the ones to come, year after year after year, until there aren't any more birthdays left to celebrate.

For now, you'll live the moment.

~oOo~

Sometimes you wake up in the morning and find Rin curled up to your side, his arm tossed haphazardly above your waist, warm puffs of breath hitting you regularly at the same particular spot on your chest where he has buried his face in. Sometimes you look at him and stare, really stare and try to take it all in, the tiny creases between his brows as he frowns and mumbles incoherently in his sleep, the subtle but present laughter lines on his cheeks, his beautiful maroon tresses that glow ever so brightly when the sunlight hits from the slightly opened windows.

You trace your fingers along his face; his nose, eyelids, his lips, careful and gentle as to not wake him up. You try to let it sink that he's actually yours and you are now his, that the cold metal rubbing nicely against the skin of your left hand's ring finger is no longer a mere dream, that the framed portraits of your perfect little family sitting on the nightstand are no longer fragments of a silly wishful thinking.

And you've never felt so alive.

Matsuoka Rin takes your breath away.

And every time you look at him, you fall in love all over again.

A/N: Okay so I just realized how sad my FF account was looking compared to my AO3... and I decided to tally the fics so expect some more cross-postings! Mostly from AO3 to FF, that is. Thank you for reading, please do leave a fav/review if you liked it! :*