REMEDIAL CHAOS THEORY REDUX: METHODS OF INTROSPECTION
INT. ANNIE'S ROOM. NIGHT
Annie's in her room staring blankly at her laptop for twenty minutes, biting at the bottom of her purple pen. She's wearing that nightie she'd bought for that ski trip a year ago.
She's restless. Her eyes dart to her door.
Her pulse quickens, her breathing is shallow. It doesn't matter how she tries to look away, her mind always wanders to her door
Annie tries to think as clearly as she could. She could knock on Abed's door, and knowing that he knew what time of month it was, he'd take her to the kitchen to give her something chocolatey.
Establishing Shot (EST.) on ANNIE'S ROOM.
Maybe chocolate's all she needs.
If she knew that, she'd go get some for herself.
So she did.
INT. KITCHEN, ABED AND ANNIE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
EST. PANNING from DOOR to ANNIE'S ROOM to KITCHEN. Annie steps out of her room and heads for the kitchen.
POV Annie of FRIDGE INT. She opens the refrigerator door and looks for some chocolate. Abed's stash should be buried somewhere under the crisper drawer.
TILT DOWN to FRIDGE CRISPER. Annie opens the crisper. All she finds are withered vegetables and a plate of something she'd dare not touch.
There is some milk.
Annie shifts her attention to the cupboard. She could make some hot chocolate. But the milk is a month stale.
Maybe she could take a spoonful from Abed's hot cocoa mix...
But that is one off of Abed's do-not-touch list.
Long Shot (LS) on KITCHEN.
DOLLY RIGHT to ABED'S DOOR PLUS LIVING AREA. She ends up where she started. She'd have to ask him for it.
Medium Shot (MS) of Annie profile, pref. backlit natural, face light bluish. Annie knocks on the door.
Abed doesn't seem to hear the knock.
She fidgets and waits a while, then she opens the door and steps in anyway.
INT. ABED'S ROOM (FORMERLY THE DREAMATORIUM/TROY'S ROOM). NIGHT
Low Angle (LA)/Over the Shoulder Shot (OSS) of Annie just by the door.
Abed's room is dimly lit. There is a single bed with sparse sheets, placed in the middle of the room. There's an incandescent lamp alight on the bedside table, facing down. Light from the street lamps outside filters into the room through the window's open blinds.
ANNIE
Hey, Abed...
Abed is seated cross-legged on the bed. His face glows by the light from his laptop. Abed looks up from it and tilts his head; his brows furrow.
She bites her lip.
He holds a finger up, then reaches for his drawer, looking at Annie with the usual sideways glance.
ABED
Chocolate?
She briskly nods her head.
He presents her with a foil-wrapped nugget, and she tries to grab it from him, but he pulls in back, holding a finger up.
ABED
Something's not right.
Alternating OSSs of Annie and Abed.
ANNIE
[Absentmindedly]
Hmm?
ABED
People usually peek in after they knock. You just walked in.
ANNIE
What?
ABED
What is this?
He makes a passing gesture at her sleep gear.
She briefly regarded herself.
ANNIE
Oh come on, Abed. Can you please just give me some...a handful?
ABED
You're working on your checklist for tomorrow?
Annie nods.
ABED
The dean's PA system broke and it needs fixing. I'd rather you don't, but he's going to be walking into the room every day it's not fixed, so you better deal with that first. The dean also asked you to handle this year's Halloween party, and a Christmas fundraising event for the school. The pigeon droppings on Luis Guzman's statute need to be scraped off. Did I...miss...anything?
Annie throws a Disney fit…not the full-on half-cry. It's the non-blinking doe eyes and tightened lips.
He mindlessly reaches for a handful of nuggets from his drawer.
ANNIE
Why do you have chocolates in your drawer? Do you bring girls in here?
She catches herself.
He throws her a cautious sideways glance.
She blinks at him.
ANNIE
You know what? You're right. It's none of my business.
ABED
I keep a stash handy everywhere.
Annie jumps at the opportunity for a subject change.
ANNIE
Apparently not in the refrigerator...which, by the way, we agreed was your responsibility. There's a carton of stale milk in there for a month now, and some suspicious food item on a plate in the crisper.
ABED
I'll get to it as soon as I can.
ANNIE
Aaaaabeeeeeeeeed, there's a month-old -
ABED
Chocolate?
Two Shot (TS) facing closet. Annie grabs at the chocolate, unwraps the nugget, and pops it in her mouth.
Abed watches her, a little worried, as she munches on the chocolate, her eyes tearing up as she gulps in chunks.
ABED
I remember those now.
Pointing at her nightie again.
ABED
You packed those into your bag when we went to the Inspector Spacetime convention.
ANNIE
YOU went to the convention. Jeff and I were on a ski trip.
She holds her chin up. He chuffs.
ABED
Oh yeah? How'd THAT one go?
Abed shakes his head and smirks, reveling in the memory, then he frowns, remembering Troy...
MS on Abed's left profile.
ABED
Why didn't you call Jeff?
PAN left to MS Annie profile.
ANNIE
Why should I call Jeff?
MCU Abed.
ABED
Chocolate isn't doing it for you right now.
ANNIE
I'm not h -
ABED
You're PMS-ing.
She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out but a huff of disgust.
Abed waits for her to storm out of the room, but she doesn't.
ABED
Hmm.
He ignores this irregularity and returns to his laptop.
She eases down onto the edge of his bed and waits to be reacknowledged. He doesn't. Instead he throws glances that should cue her to leave, but she doesn't.
She sits up, standing her ground.
He sighs and relents.
ABED
What do you want to do?
She shrugs.
ABED
Inspector Spacetime?
Annie innocently looks away.
ANNIE
Ummmmmmmmmm...
ABED
I meant watch. I'm not in the mood to render imaginated dreamscapes tonight.
Annie is pleasantly surprised by this.
ABED
I'm not retarded, Annie. It's still the Dreamatorium – or a version of it. I just moved my stuff in.
Now she's not so pleasantly surprised.
Abed regards his surroundings.
Two shot with view of Abed's closet.
ABED
I'd gotten used to the stuff, but the scenarios get a lot of static when I don't incorporate them.
ANNIE
Oh...
ABED
Not having grid lines makes it worse. I couldn't really go beyond what's in here if I want a clear picture.
He returns his gaze to his laptop.
ABED
The haze helps when I want to relive a classic Inspector Spacetime episode, though. It's like watching shows with really bad reception.
He gestures for her to sit with him to watch Inspector Spacetime.
She obliges.
ANNIE
Do you ever dream up having Troy in here?
ABED
I used to. But you and I know it's never the same. I gave that up a few months ago. One episode. Okay?
ANNIE
I don't know –
ABED
None of this makes sense, Annie. I expected you walk out a few minutes ago. Roll with it or get out.
She's a little offended, but she tries to think of something appropriate to say.
Camera switches between Abed and Annie a couple of times.
She comes up with:
ANNIE
Woooouuuuld youuuuu like some buttered noodles?
He gives her a lopsided smile but shakes his head.
She thinks long and hard about this. Abed has never said no to buttered noodles.
He's waiting for her, his mouth ajar, half irritated, half bored.
She closes the distance between them.
Two shot of Abed and Annie shoulder to shoulder. Abed gives her a thumb up.
MCU of Abed.
ABED
[Narrator voice]
Okay. Series nineteen, episode ten. The Inspector and Pippi find themselves in a subterranean facility and walk into an ongoing investigation on the deaths of a group of engineers –
MCU of Annie pressing the play button on Abed's laptop. Laptop barely in shot.
MS/TS of Abed and Annie.
ABED
[Narrator voice]
- Their life threatened by droids roaming the grounds, The Inspector and Pippi must expose the mastermind and his devious scheme before time runs out for both of them!
Abed leans his back on a pillow.
She rests her head on Abed's chest and clings onto his shirt.
He thoughtfully looks at her. After a moment, Abed proceeds to stroke her hair.
Montage of them watching Inspector Spacetime.
After montage, TS of Annie snuggling in closer to Abed. Abed moves his hand to her shoulder.
ANNIE
How long is an Inspector Spacetime episode?
ABED
Around twenty-five minutes.
ANNIE
There's a lot going on in this right now.
ABED
What? Like Donnie Darko?
ANNIE
[Sarcastic]
Ha ha. No.
Despite this, Annie smiles. Abed squeezes her shoulder. She bites her thumb and ponders.
ANNIE
Hey, Abed?
ABED
[Abesentmindedly]
Hmm?
ANNIE
About the Halloween thing?
TS. Abed doesn't say anything.
ANNIE
Abed?
ABED
You think a costume party in the study room is a little tired. I don't blame you.
This excites her. She sits up and faces him.
ANNIE
Yes! I mean. I'm not one to run out of ideas but –
ABED
Pitch a midnight fair.
Her eyes light up.
He tilts his head.
She babbles on about her ideas, but Abed is transfixed on her, a light bulb turning on somewhere in his mind.
Annie notices how quiet he is. He's staring at her. Suddenly she's self-conscious…and somewhat flattered.
ANNIE
I-is something…wrong, Abed?
Abed hurriedly gets out of bed.
She watches him, flustered.
He frantically rummages the room for something.
ANNIE
Should I hel –
He turns around and holds a finger up.
ABED
No! No…Don't move.
Annie is on the bed as Abed crouches to look under, and he exclaims, seemingly finding what he's looking for.
He stands up. He's holding a semi-pro camera.
Abed subtly pumps his fist.
ANNIE
[Worried]
Aaaaaabeeeeeeed? Is that the school's cameraaaaa?
ABED
This? No…well, yes…kind of. I had Jeff write up a contract with the school to let me rent this to own. We had the deed of sale notarized, so it's mine, but not quite.
He smiles as he admires his camera.
ANNIE
[Still worried]
Where'd you get the money to buy off the school's camera? Does that mean I'm shouldering one hundred percent of the rent? What are you doing with it?
Annie hears a chime in his direction.
Abed fiddles with the camera, opening a flap, turning knobs up front.
ABED
First, I've been shooting and editing commercials for small businesses around the school with Garrett. I even did one for my dad's falafel business.
She looks at Abed's camera. She's feeling a little worried with it pointed at her.
ABED
It brings in modest but steady revenue into the school until I've gained full ownership. Garrett and I work on commission, so part of what I'm earning goes into paying for this camera.
CU of Abed's camera.
ABED
Plus, just so the permits don't get in the way, it helps that I own it, so I can take it when I need it.
Annie's worry increases.
ABED
Second, I still have that job at a VHS rental re-recording DVD copies into their stuff since their whole inventory's been wiped out by an EMP accident. That's where the rent comes from.
LA OSS of Abed.
ABED
Third, what are WE doing with it.
Annie slowly crawls out of bed.
ABED
Get back on the bed.
ANNIE
[Wary]
Aaaaaaaabeeeed?
He comes close, and she finds this threatening. She scampers off the bed.
He's confused by this for a moment…then he realizes what her panic is about.
ABED
Are you thinking that I'm going to film us having sex?
She slowly stands up from a crouched position, waiting for him to continue.
He points at the window behind him.
ABED
I noticed the light coming in through the shades and a sliver of it hitting your eyes…like in a noir….If you'd just let me freeze that –
She's having none of it, but Abed's expression was unchanging.
ANNIE
Why don't you just take the picture with your phone?
He's already mounting the camera on a tripod. He shakes his head.
ABED
This isn't for Instagram. This is serious.
ANNIE
What?
She warily returns to his bed. He's growing impatient.
ABED
Annie, I need you to sit on your legs for a bit.
She watches Abed as she follows his direction.
ANNIE
Like this?
Annie folds her legs under her, resting the weight of her body on them.
ABED
Just spread your knees a little, just a bit, so you're sitting on –
ANNIE
Like this?
Annie spreads her knees a little. She slips her hands into the gap.
He peers through the lens of the camera.
ABED
Good girl. Sit up, chest out. Aaaarch your back. Not too much. You don't want to sit too tall. You're missing the light…
He backs off from the camera scratching behind his ear. He's not satisfied.
He leaves his position behind the camera.
He sits in front of Annie and reaches behind her.
Tracking CU of Abed's hands. He slips his hand under her nightie and lightly runs his fingers up her spine.
ANNIE
[Gasping]
Abed!
She sits up and arches her back.
ABED
[Whispering]
Give me Bacall.
Annie tries to make eye contact with him, but he seems focused on directing her.
ABED
Open your mouth.
She opens her mouth wide. This does not amuse him.
ABED
This isn't porn, Annie.
Annie closes the gap between her lips
ABED
Good girl.
Now wet them.
ANNIE
Abed –
ABED
[More forcefully]
Wet them.
She tucks her lips in to wet them.
ABED
Again.
She tucks her lips in again.
ABED
Again.
She tucks her lips in a third time.
He steps back.
Annie's breathing is stilted. Her thighs are shaking, and muscles she thought weren't there start aching. She's blacking out.
ABED
Annie, you're turning purple.
She catches her breath and blinks a couple of times.
He squints, re-evaluating his subject.
ABED
Hold on.
ANNIE
[Jokingly]
Aren't we putting too much into this?
Abed looks Annie over.
ABED
[Slightly irritated]
Your lips are dry. Lick them again.
She makes faces as she tries to get her lips as wet as she could properly.
Profile FS of Abed. He's finally behind the camera again, fiddling around with it, and then he looks up at her. PAN LEFT to FS of Annie sitting on the bed, finally taking her position, and waiting for Abed to take the shot.
He seems to stand there still assessing the setup.
Her arms and her legs are cramping, and the muscles supporting her spine are stiffening.
ANNIE
I can't feel my legs, Abed. When are you taking the shot?
ABED
You look beautiful, Annie.
Annie gasps.
Abed pushes a button.
MCU of Annie. She blinks, bewildered. DISSOLVE INTO Abed's window. ZOOM OUT to TS window view of Annie and Abed. Annie is seated at the head of the bed while Abed is close to the foot with the laptop. They're backlighted by the streetlights. The only things illuminating the foreground are the table lamp and the laptop. Other than that, they're basically silhouettes.
Abed had already stashed the tripod and connected the camera to his laptop.
She's in a daze. It appears she'd been sitting still for some time.
She shrugs the buzz off and creeps up to him.
ANNIE
[Furious]
What?!
Abed dismisses her outrage and clicks around.
ABED
Look
POV Annie looking over Abed's shoulder.
It's a black and white picture. It's a shot of the whole room. Annie's seated at the head of his bed, the lamplight on the bedside table etching a dull outline around her in the dark. The laptop lazily glows at the foot of the bed. The background is a mosaic of outlines of Abed's Inspector Spacetime and Kickpuncher posters.
Abed gauges her reaction. She avoids his gaze.
He holds up a finger and jerks his head towards the screen. He zooms into a portrait of her.
She holds a hand up her mouth.
They look at each other.
She looks at her picture again and touched the screen.
ANNIE
I – It's so different.
ABED
Not really. You haven't been shy about letting it hang out the whole time.
Annie covers herself up, and pouts.
Abed pulls out his smartphone, takes a picture of the screen, and starts typing something. Annie reaches out to stop him.
ANNIE
I thought this isn't for Instagram?
ABED
No. I just sent Jeff a copy.
ANNIE
WHAT!?
ABED
The cauldron idea could be improved. The witch's stake is a bad idea. Don't do that. That vampire booth is, too. I don't think Jeff is going to like biting into somebody else, plus you're leaving a door wide open for Dean Pelton to abuse. It depends whether you're rooting for them, but I doubt it.
ANNIE
Abed, why did you send Jeff a copy of that picture?
ABED
He won't be sending it to anyone else, trust me…unless you want everybody to see it.
ANNIE
[Firmly]
Why, Abed?
Abed's phone rings.
TS. They look at each other.
ABED
Don't pretend you're not curious about how he'd react to it. Though you've been practically draping yourself all over him, there has got to be a time when Jeff finally stops pushing you away, Annie. You've been waiting for, what? Four years? I'm just giving him a little reassuring nudge towards you.
He holds his phone out to Annie.
ABED
He's coming over.
She looks at the phone and grimaces.
ANNIE
It says, 'Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut?'
He reassesses Jeff's text.
ABED
No. He's coming. Jeff's a lonely old man.
Annie stares at Abed's phone. He turns around and continues to watch the video.
ANNIE
Why'd you take a video?
ABED
Well, there could be other moments that are better than the picture we've taken. I could freeze and extract them from the video. The quality wouldn't be as good, but it gets the job done.
ANNIE
What are you going to do with them?
She sits beside him.
ABED
I'll have a better chance out there, having shots like that. It widens the scope of my reel.
She ponders on this.
POV Annie. She looks at her picture in his phone. She swipes left. His phone is full of pictures of the 'Aww Couple' doing stuff together.
ANNIE
Abed?
ABED
Yeah?
ANNIE
We're just good friends, right?
MCU/OSS of Abed's back. He looks over his shoulder and gives her a lopsided smile.
ABED
Good friends.
The front door buzzes.
ANNIE
He's here?!
She panics. Abed calmly continues what he's doing.
ANNIE
How do I look?
Abed gave her a passing glance.
ABED
Yeah.
His indifference disappoints Annie.
The front door buzzes again. Abed glances at the door. Abed's phone starts ringing.
It's Jeff.
ANNIE
Abed?
ABED
Just open the door, Annie.
Annie embraces him. Abed reciprocates, albeit awkwardly.
She seems tentative about stepping off the bed.
Abed pulls away and looks at her. He tips her chin up.
ABED
Well…Here's looking at you, kid.
She opens her mouth to speak.
ABED
Get out.
She nods and hurries out his door.
He peels his gaze away from the door, left ajar, and he sighs.
ABED
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
He stares blankly at his laptop for a while, then he blinks…
-0-
The cursor quietly blinks back at him.
Abed paused to collect his bearings, and then he looked around. Everything was as it should be.
He peeked under his bed. The camera was there. Apart from what he'd written, there were no traces of what he'd imagined on his laptop. There wasn't a video. There weren't screenshots. There was only him and Rachel on his phone.
Everything was as it should be.
He nods and accepts this.
Command + A.
Leaving that in his laptop could bring many consequences to his current relationship with Rachel and the Save Greendale Committee, and for numerous reasons.
Delete.
Command + Option + W.
"Do you want to save the changes you made in the document 'Untitled'? Your changes will be lost if you don't save them? Don't Save. Cancel. Save."
Don't save.
...And then someone knocks on his door.
It could only be –
Annie peeks into his room. "Hey Abed, can I have some of your hot cocoa mix?"
THIS is Annie.
Still, he craned his neck to see what was behind the door. She's wearing her purple long johns and her red hoodie.
"Cool. Cool, cool, cool."
Abed jumps out of bed and escorts her to the kitchen.
There's a boggy smell lingering in the apartment. Annie may have been looking for chocolate for some time, opening closets.
There's a kettle on the stove.
Annie's frilly binder is on the kitchen counter.
She's working on her pitch for tomorrow.
Familiar…but not worrying.
"About the fridge –"
"I'll deal with it tomorrow."
Annie nods, but there was her usual disbelief. Though "tomorrow" may not sound new to Annie, he's surprised he meant what he said. He reached for his can of hot cocoa mix and looked at her. He kept it close to his heart.
"I can make you my Special Drink."
"Abed, I don't think that's a good idea."
"It just needs some –"
Abed opens the fridge door.
WHOOOF!
The stink from inside the fridge rolled out into the apartment like a plume of dead spirits released into the world. The drone from the fridge motor just made things worse.
"OPEN THE WINDOWS!"
Annie runs to the living area, opening the windows. He follows and does the same. "I'm doing it tonight." He promises. Annie nods and runs around opening doors and windows.
"FAN IT OUT!"
The kettle starts whistling. Annie barks orders at him while fanning into the building hallway with the doormat. He could hear their neighbors walking into the hallway, first complaining about the noise, then the smell. Someone runs into the apartment and plugs a desk fan. The frantic energy and the smell in the apartment felt like a situation ripe for a creature movie.
ANNIE
The Stink is somewhere in this apartment. Status on the exits?
ABED
The doors and the vents have all been opened. Other areas are ventilated as well.
ANNIE
What about the rooms?
ABED
Exhaust fans are open…oh no…this is not good.
ANNIE
What is it?
ABED
We ran out of deodorizers and cleaning detergent.
BOOM!
The apartment rocks.
BOOM!
It's coming from the bathroom.
ANNIE
Abed, is the exhaust fan open in the bathroom?
He looks at her, nervous.
ANNIE
Dammit!
The bathroom door breaks down and The Stink spreads.
ANNIE
ABED!
ABED!
"ABED!"
He'd wandered off again. There were a handful of people in the apartment who had left stuff they think she and he could use. He comes to thank and usher them out of the apartment.
The stink in the apartment seems bearable now.
Abed returned to the kitchen, unplugged the fridge, and started pitching things into a bag. Annie turned the stove off and looked under the counter for some detergent. She hands Abed a can of deodorizer a neighbor had left them and gestures around the room.
"I'm running out to borrow some detergent. Anything else we need?" Annie said.
He ponders on the bag of stale food and beverages and notices the carton of milk in it.
"We need milk."
No. He could do better.
"Wait. I'll do it."
That sounded like he's dumping the cleaning to her. He rolls for a save.
"I'll deal with this when I get back."
"Okay."
Nice.
Everything was as it should be.
Abed steps out of the apartment and ponders by the door.
He likes this Annie. She's focused and assertive. He decides to go the extra mile and buy them the stuff they need. He gets back into the apartment to get changed…and he finds Annie tying up the bag he'd been filling up. The fridge is empty.
"What are you doing?"
Annie opens her mouth to explain, but she couldn't.
Her OCD kicked in.
"I'll do it this once, okay?"
Some people obsessively clean their places out of frustration, or to cope with grief, or to release stress.
She's in a lot of stress right now.
While he thinks he still owes cleaning up the fridge, he lets her do it.
"Okay."
He gets changed and hurries to the store to pick up the detergent, a gallon of milk, butter, and some chocolate chip cookies for Annie. He tried to remember the Annie he'd typed up earlier. Somehow it still was Annie, but there's a lot of noise in their lives that stops it from happening. There's still the stash of chocolates in his drawer, though. He could've easily given her some from it. But Annie wanted his hot cocoa mix. He wondered if the same scenario would play out if he'd offered her a nugget from his drawer.
When he opened the door, he was welcomed by the sweet, oleaginous smell of buttered noodles.
He's glad that he hadn't.
"I made buttered noodles."
She seems chipper now.
"But we didn't have butter."
"I borrowed some from next door. Where've you gone? What's in there?"
He looks at the bag and takes out a pack of chocolate chip cookies.
"I bought these for you."
"Awwww. Aaaabeeeed!"
She smiles.
He smiles.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
He unloads the contents of the bag. He turns the kettle on again, then he opens the fridge and starts scrubbing.
"Come on, Abed. It'll get cold."
Abed never says no to buttered noodles.
He sits across Annie. She opens her binder.
That's his cue to help.
"First cause for concern: Dean Pelton's PA system. This is a tricky situation. The whole school hates it, BUT every day it's not fixed -"
"He walks into the study room."
"Yes. I'm leaning towards fixing it, but I'd like to hear some ideas. What should we do?"
Abed thinks long and hard. He remembers suggesting fixing the PA system, but something's not right about it.
"Does Greendale have a Twitter account?" He asks.
"Well…yes, there are a bunch of those, but not a lot of people know which one's real."
"Figures. You could pitch a campaign to launch –"
He Googles a Twitter handle.
" - GCCHumanBeings is free. There's a chance that the dean will overrun that account when he's left with it. Better hire somebody to moderate the accounts."
Annie is writing down what he's saying.
"Is it something that you might want to handle?"
"I'm busy with other things."
"Oh. Okay…"
Again. Disbelief, but she's not one to question what he does out of the Save Greendale Committee. Still…
"Garrett and I, we're kind of already working for the school. Small businesses around the school contract Greendale to do spots for local television – you've seen them?"
"I don't watch a lot of television."
"Hmm. The school earns from that. It's not a lot, but it's steady."
"Oh." Annie writes something down somewhere in her binder.
"I'm sure we'll find someone. Thanks for that, Abed. It sounds like a simple problem but -"
"I agree."
The kettle whistles. It's time for Special Drink. Hot Cocoa Mix. Cold Milk.
"Okay. That's solved. What about the December fund drive?"
Abed hands her a mug of his Special Drink. She looks at what's inside the mug.
"Mmmm…this smells so goooood, but don't you think this is a little gratuitous with the buttered noodles?"
"Are you counting calories?"
"Noooooooooot necessarilyyyyyyyyyy?"
"This isn't the time of the month to be abstaining from chocolate, Annie."
She doesn't seem offended by this. She shrugs and takes a sip and shivers.
He furrows his brows.
"So. The fund drive."
"Keep it simple."
"Yes. But how?"
Abed suddenly envisions a white t-shirt dunk booth. That idea would probably fly past Annie, but Britta and Shirley would argue strongly against it. Other than that, what WOULD bring in money on the cheap? Definitely not another dance.
"What about a white t-shirt dunk booth?" Annie asks.
This is worrying.
"You know Britta and Shirley would object to it."
"Mud wrestling?"
"No."
"Car wash?"
"No."
"Another dance?"
"NO."
"A swear jar?"
"Nobody in Greendale swears, Annie."
She rests her head on her hand, her eyes blinking slowly.
"What if we fix the PA system?" He suggests.
"And get people to pay just to turn it off? Like that school that played Justin Bieber?"
Annie stops and takes a sip of Special Drink.
"There's no way we can pull this off without the dean finding out."
"Yes, but does anybody really care?"
"Ugh. Can't we come up with things other than making the dean the butt of another joke? No wonder City College keeps bullying Greendale."
Her voice had bite.
"This isn't you, Annie."
"OH! Is it cause I'm PMS-ing again? Are you going to give me another piece of chocolate?!"
Annie tears up the pack of chocolate chip cookies he gave her and grabs a handful, crushes them with her hands, and puts them in her mouth.
"MMMM! CHOCOLATE! YES! TROUBLE ABATED! COOL, COOL, COOL!"
This isn't Annie.
This is cholesterol-induced rage.
He looks around and everything's slowing down. His head is throbbing. This would probably be the right time to calm Annie down, but something's stopping him.
Cholesterol-induced vapidness.
"You're not going through with the white t-shirt dunk booth."
"DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU AREN'T THINKING ABOUT THAT."
"It's not like I didn't try not to."
"YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE, BUT YOU'RE NO DIFFERENT FROM ANY OF THEM!"
"You're no different from the attention whores you 'secretly' diss on your blog."
"MAYBE I AM! AND MAYBE I WANT TO CATCH PNEUMONIA AFTER GETTING DUNKED INTO FREEZING COLORADO WATER SO MANY TIMES BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? A LOT OF BOYS ARE GOING TO LINE UP FOR ME TO GET DUNKED, AND MY BOOBS WOULD HAVE KEPT GREENDALE ALIVE FOR ANOTHER YEAR. ANNIE'S BOOBS SAVE THE DAY!"
"What? You mean pre-schoolers?"
"I DON'T CARE! I'M A MONEY MAKER!"
"Hah! Annie Edison the paragon of virtue stealing children's lunch money!"
"SO. WHAT. MAYBE I WANT EACH AND EVERY STUDENT OF GREENDALE TO APPRECIATE MY BREASTS PEEKING THROUGH THE THIN WHITE FABRIC BEFORE I KICK THE BUCKET."
"OOOH! ANNIE EDISON THINKS THIS IS GIRLS GONE WILD. REALITY CHECK, ANNIE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE NAKED UNDER THAT SHIRT!"
That shook her up. She's getting dizzy. He should give her a glass of water, but instead he carries on.
"Who's going to want to see you get dunked? Everybody hates you Annie. You're one of us, and everybody hates us. They've been hating on us since the beginning. It's been five years. You're wearing pantsuits now. Your boobs have become irrelevant."
Annie's holding her head, but she still has a lot of fight in her.
"THAT'S YOUR FAULT! YOUR WEIRD RUBBED OFF ON ME."
"MY WEIRD WILL NEVER EXPOSE NIPPLES FOR ATTENTION!"
"NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR NIPPLES ABED!"
"THEN YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR YOUR WEIRD! YOUR WEIRD IS NOT MY WEIRD!"
"OH! WHAT? YOUR WEIRD TELLS YOU YOU UNDERSTAND DONNIE DARKO WHEN YOU REALLY DON'T?"
"THAT MOVIE DOES NOT REVEAL ITSELF TO PEOPLE SO SHALLOW THEIR EGOS ARE PEEING WITH THREE-YEAR-OLDS IN THE KIDDE POOL!"
"THAT MOVIE'S SO OBSCURE, HIPSTER POSERS WITH FAKE GLASSES ARE PINNING POSTERS OF THAT FUCKED UP RABBIT JUST SO THEY COULD PRETEND TO BE COOL!"
"THAT ANALOGY'S SO FUCKED UP IT'S BLACK AND BLUE IN ITS NOSE HOLES!"
"Nose holes?!"
"That's how fucked up it is."
"Oh."
"AND THAT FUCKED UP RABBIT'S NAME IS FRANK!"
"AND SO IS MY MIDDLE FINGER'S! SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND! HAH! THAT'S SCARFACE!"
She flips him twice.
They're spiraling into the deep end really quickly. If Troy were here, he'd have collapsed from blood loss.
He should have listened to Annie.
"I'M NOT IRRELEVANT YOU ASPIE! GREENDALE STILL NEEDS ME. BUT YOU? YOU STOPPED BEING MAGICAL WHEN TROY LEFT! YOUR REFERENCES AND TROPES HAVE STAGNATED, ABED. NOW WHO'S IRRELEVANT?"
She totters away from him.
"OHHH YEAAAAAAH JUST KEEP PROJECTING THOSE INSECURITIES AT ME, MS. PROJECTOR!"
"OH! I'M PROJECTING. YOU'RE BLAMING ME FOR PROJECTING STUFF AT YOU WHEN YOU'RE PROJECTING THE STUFF THAT YOU SAY I'M PROJECTING AT YOU TO ME?! WHO'S PROJECTING NOW, MR. DOUBLE PROJECTOR!"
"DOUBLE PROJECTOR?! IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT?!"
"MNEH MNEH MNEH! CLEAN THE GODDAMN REFRIGERATOR!"
There's a knock on the door. Annie crawls to it while screaming. Abed tried the best he could to race her there. The person outside can help them, but somehow he decides not to let him…or her. This is really bad. The cholesterol is taking over their sensible selves and replacing them with manic, insecure doppelgangers.
He tries to set himself straight and shut her voice out.
He dials Jeff.
He checks the time. It's eleven in the evening.
The knocking continues.
Jeff picks up on the seventh ring. He'd woken him.
"Jeff."
"What?"
"Emergency."
"Abed, is this another Parent Trap trick?"
"JEFF I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR FUCKING MR. COOL GUY RIGHT NOW!"
"Whoa."
"I'm sorry."
"What is that noise? Is that Annie?"
"Can you get here quick?"
"What are you on?"
Annie appears to have calmed down. She looks at him confused and disgusted.
"I'm sorry." She mouths.
"Annie…Me…We –"
"Abed."
"Buttered noodles, and then we each had a mug of Special Drink –"
"Is that the chocolate thing?"
"Yes."
"Ugh. The cholesterol's going to shoot right up to your head. Are you crazy?! Oh, wait, you're Abed."
"Jeff, I'm trying my best not to throw this phone at Annie out of frustration with you."
Annie starts howling.
"I'm doooooooooooo doooorrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy! I din meaaaaaaaaannnnnn do daaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy daaaaaaaaaat! Bud you were doooooo meaaaaaaaan do meeeeeeee. I din…I din…Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
There was still someone knocking on the door.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. She's PMS-ing."
"What does that even mean?"
"She's crying now. I don't know what's coming next."
"Abed."
"Yes."
"Put the phone down. Give yourselves a glass of water and wait for help. Got it?"
"Okay."
Abed ends the call. The knocks are accompanied by "Hello"s and "Is there something wrong"s now. Annie is whimpering under the counter. The sickening smell of buttered noodles fills the room.
He drops his phone on the floor and closes his eyes.
-0-
" – leave a message after the tone."
That wasn't real.
That wasn't real?
He looks around. He's standing by the door. He should've incited some ruckus on his own, but everything seemed in order. That means he'd only been coasting silently around the room…like he's sleepwalking.
He returned to his room, and the scenario he typed was back on his screen.
He deletes the story from his computer, ends the call, and he steps out of his room again.
Odd.
Everything is as it should be.
He thought everything was back to normal. He sighs, relieved.
Everything is as it should be.
He reminds himself to never mix buttered noodles and his Special Drink. Ever.
He warily steps into the kitchen and faces the fridge and stares at it for a while.
If everything is as it should be, then when he opens this door, a stink is going to come out of it.
He prepares for the worst and grabs a garbage bag from under the counter. They're out of detergent and deodorizer.
He grabs the handle and slowly opens the fridge door.
…Then nothing…
Sure, there was no stink, but there were items going bad in there, like the carton of milk and that plate of really bad pie in the crisper that he'd somehow decided to leave there. Those stories may not be real, but Annie was right about him being responsible for the fridge.
So he decides to do the right thing this time. He clears the fridge out.
Annie hadn't been upset about him leaving the fridge the way it is…or at least she hadn't obviously shown him that she's upset. Whatever he missed between Annie and himself, Troy would point it out to him.
He misses Troy. Rachel's a welcome addition to his life, but he sometimes wonders if he likes her because she willingly plays along, like Hilda. Does he like her because though she's not quite Troy…she's a good enough substitute? He doesn't want to lose her, but why?
It feels a little uncomfortable hearing those words in his head.
He basks in the incandescent glow and the chill rolling out from inside. It isn't quite clean, but there may be something transcendent housed inside this cubic feet casket of secrets that people constantly find themselves visiting and revisiting it even when they're not looking for physiological sustenance, and he seems to have realized what it was.
Hmm…Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
He'll do it as religiously as he'd promised Annie.
He ties up the bag of stale items and leaves a note on the fridge door instructing them to never mix buttered noodles and chocolate.
"What's up?"
It was Annie.
"I'm cleaning out the fridge. We're out of detergent, so I'm running out. Do you want anything from the store?"
Annie is beaming at him but says nothing.
"I'm off, then."
"Will you help me with this stuff I have for the dean tomorrow when you get back, though? I'm kind of in a rut."
"Okay."
The dean's PA still isn't fixed. There're still the Halloween and the December things. There're still pigeon droppings on Luis Guzman's statue. Annie still has to think of those…apart from what goes on in the apartment they're living in. The rent is still too high, even between them, and his earnings from the school and the VHS rental are just barely making it. Maybe he could cut corners…lessen the amount he's paying for the camera. While it will take longer, it will still be his eventually, and it's not like the school's leash is too tight on it.
He looks at his phone and scans through pictures of him and Rachel.
They hadn't called each other in a while, and they hadn't bumped into each other recently. He knows he should make an effort, but beyond their shared interests, he doesn't quite know how to be with her. There should be other ways for him to make Rachel feel…
What SHOULD he make Rachel feel?
"What should I make Rachel feel?"
He asks Annie when he returned.
"What?"
"What is it that I should make Rachel feel?"
"Well, you like her, don't you?"
He dons rubber gloves and wields the detergent.
"I like her enough."
"That sounds frigid."
"That's why I'm asking you."
Annie's voice is dampened by the fridge door behind him.
"Are you really sure you're asking me about this, Abed?"
"I'm asking you because you show people how you feel, Annie."
He heard a huff of disgust from behind the fridge door.
"I can be mysterious, too."
No. She can't.
"Is there something wrong between you and Rachel?"
"No."
"Then what's the problem?"
"Nothing's happening."
Then nothing.
He consults the inside of the fridge again for answers.
"Why are you worried –"
"Ssh."
"But -"
"Quiet."
There's the faint lemony scent from the detergent radiating from the plastic walls and passive-aggressive hum from its motor. Mmmmmmmmmm…
"The fridge just rolled its eyes on me. What were you saying?"
"The fridge did what?"
"Never mind. What were you saying?"
"I was asking why you were worried about you and Rachel. I thought this slightly non-committal relationship you have is the best fit for you both?"
"I don't know…Anyway, what kind of help do you need with the dean stuff?"
"Oh no. We're not going to leave this hanging. Spill."
This, he knows, is the kind of thing that Annie is excited about. Intervention.
She leaves her post from behind the counter and sits on the countertop behind him.
As he finishes his job on the fridge, he asks himself whether he should indulge in this seemingly feminine trope of sharing stories about love problems. Men do this in movies, too, but Annie's no man…
He'd seen this in movies before. Their conversation could or could not develop into something else like every overnight mumblecore movie. But if he does not know how he should be with Rachel, how is he going to deal with Annie? That is, assuming that they would actually want to have each other…
Do they?
The fridge shudders.
"Do we have to braid each other's hair and paint each other's toenails?"
"What?"
"No, then?"
"No."
"Okay. I just wondered if Rachel would, maybe, want something more."
"Like more more?"
"More more?
"You know? MORE more?"
The fridge was right.
" I suppose us not seeing each other means that our relationship has somewhat plateau-ed, like what I had with Troy…We needed to not do things together all the time. But this is different because while this hiatus I'm having with Troy is necessary for both of us to grow as people, my relationship with Rachel...feels more like we've grown apart."
She punches his arm softly.
"Call her and ask her what's up."
"I don't feel like calling her."
"Then you're going to wonder what happened for the rest of your life…or until, you know, you bump into each other."
"Then what?"
"If you bump into each other in the hallway and you don't give each other so much as a glance, then you'll know it's over, but then you won't know why."
She points at him.
"Please don't let that happen. Shirley and I are still rooting for you."
"I should find a version of myself that would speak to her when that happens."
Annie opens her mouth, but she leaves him hanging.
"This isn't good, is it?"
Annie ruefully shakes her head.
He took one last look at the inside of the fridge. It was clean now: the inside smelling fresh and the motor happily humming.
It was content.
But he wasn't.
Still, he closes its door and leaves it alone…for now.
"You need help with your list for the dean."
Annie shrugs.
"You know what? It's not important."
"No. I have some ideas."
"Okay."
Annie flips open her binder and furiously jots down what he dictates.
"Okay."
"Fix the PA system. Got it?"
"Got it."
"How do you feel about a stinkbomb fight in the grounds for Halloween?"
"Where would the stinkbombs come from?"
"The chemistry majors could come up with a doable recipe, but people will get creative easily."
"Check."
"No stinkbombs allowed inside the building. No diapers allowed. No poop allowed. Throw in a monetary penalty for every stinkbomb released inside the building. Higher when the stinkbomb thrown is non-prescribed."
"But that would be impossible."
"That's why it's going to be so lucrative."
"You know that doesn't sound like a good idea."
"Paintball wasn't a good idea, but nobody's complaining."
"The custodians are, Abed."
"They should be responsible keeping the building on lockdown…or they can try."
"What about the fund drive in December?"
"The funds we rack up in Halloween could cushion that. People can come home to their families earlier."
Annie nods and checks everything she'd written down.
"Thanks, Abed."
She jumps down the counter and gives him a hug.
"I really hope everything works out for you and Rachel."
"Me too."
And he really does.
Annie looked at him thoughtfully.
"Or yeah. Maybe you could, for once, be the version of yourself that talks to her. That way you know…you know?"
Maybe he will.
He reached for his phone and dialed Rachel.
"The customer you are trying to reach is not available at the moment. Please try again later."
He let that message ring in his ears for a few moments, then he looked at his phone.
Maybe he'd always be wondering what happened.
"What's wrong?"
"Her phone's off."
"But there's always a chance that you'd bump into her at school, right?"
He looks back at the fridge.
"Do you think that you could be a metaphor for something?"
"Excuse me?"
"I mean the fridge…there were things left there untouched, and even though refrigeration extends their shelf lives, it's inevitable that they turn sour. Do you think that's what's happening between me and Rachel?"
Annie considers this.
"I cleaned it out tonight because I struck a deal with you that made the fridge my responsibility. This fridge is contently humming now, and I wonder if chucking my relationship with Rachel out instead of wondering about it the whole time would grant me that content humming, too."
Annie gets it, somehow.
"Well, it doesn't have to be the item you have to throw out, right? It could be something you leave in the freezer. Did you know that Han Solo was frozen in carbonite because Harrison Ford wasn't sure he was willing to commit to the Han character and that it was a cop out for production? In the end, he decided to be Han a third time. Your relationship with Rachel could be that. In the end you might say you love her, and she just might know that you do."
You don't get this from Annie every day.
"You've been researching."
"IMDb."
Despite Annie insisting that he never go back rendering dreamscapes, he couldn't abide by it. After much tinkering, he was able to create the smallest Dreamatorium he has ever made. He thought the projections weren't as vivid as they were before because of the size of the engine, but it turns out that he hadn't been using it properly the whole time.
He's using this engine the way he used the previous ones. He'd jog in place if he wanted to get somewhere, but it turns out, the engine being portable meant that he's not restricted in his room anymore. The static happens when he's trying to project a moving landscape while he's staying put. He's supposed to be moving with it.
This can only mean he can render dreamscapes everywhere.
Cool, cool, cool…but not in a good way…
"Are you the real Annie?"
"Aaaaabeeeeed?"
With reality and dream sequences so blurred, he hasn't had the time to think of a way to verify if he's simply invested in a scene. He should stop running scenarios from reality.
"Can you help me verify that what's happening is real?"
"Abed, you're being weird again."
"Why did you look up that Han Solo trivia?"
"Uh, duh doy? I live with you? Getting your references comes in the box. I should at least understand half of them."
"Does this version of you get Donnie Darko?"
"Ugh. Wait. Is this you being Donnie Darko? Because everything you're saying now isn't making any sense to me."
"I don't know."
Panic.
He could see her face. She's looking almost as worried as he is.
"Abed, please tell me I did not break you again."
"It's not going to be your fault this time."
Annie looks around and ushers him to his comfy chair.
"Okay. Abed, calm down. You want your Special Drink? Buttered noodles?"
"NO!"
"Whoa."
"I'm sorry."
"What's going on?"
He should come clean.
Come clean…
"Annie, the Dreamatorium still exists."
It takes a while for this to sink in with Annie.
"You mean you've set it up again in that room?"
"Yes, but instead of the previously sizeable engine, I've created a smaller one. See?"
He pulls out the engine from his pocket.
"That used to be the case for your candy cigarettes."
"Yes. But what's important is what's inside."
Annie looks like she's trying hard to suspend disbelief. Tsk. Unremarkables.
"At first I thought this design was faulty. Inside my room, each dreamscape I rendered was riddled with glitches. I've only recently discovered that I've been using it wrong the whole time."
"And that means…?"
"It means that staying in that room restricts the engine."
"Which…is…why…you're asking if I'm real?"
"Yes…within the hour, I've initiated two scenarios with you in them. The first one I knew wasn't real, but then –"
"I was in your scenarios?"
"Yes."
"And what was I doing in them?"
He finally gets what she's implying.
"Asking for chocolate."
"You create scenarios of me asking for chocolate?"
"Among other things."
Wrong answer.
"ABED!"
"If you think I'm creating scenarios where I have sex – "
This doesn't seem to appease her.
"You're aware that I profiled you since the beginning and, apart from a couple of instances in separate seasons - the gaps between these instances being quite substantial - you were never interested in me enough for a scenario like that to work out. There are elements in our lives that prevent it from happening, too. So, no, Annie. I could never dream up a scenario of you and me having sex even if I wanted to."
"Even if you wanted to?"
"Yes."
"You wanted to?"
"Annie, I'm not immune to you. The reason I give you chocolate is to make you happy before something escalates, but sometimes I find you attractive enough to be curious to know what happens. I could dream up a number of ways for us to be together, some with forced chemistry, but I end up fraying the fabric of our friendship, and our friendship is much more important to me than satisfying curiosity, Annie. Us together won't ruin everything. I even end up pushing you towards Jeff in a lot of them, which is good for you, I guess. But there isn't a scenario where we last. In the end we're really just good friends, and I'm okay with that."
Annie's flustered.
"So tell me this isn't just another scenario I've vividly rendered."
She floundered and bit her lip. He looked at her carefully. There's that Disney face again.
"You haven't told me if this is real, Annie."
He says this with urgency. She's says nothing.
"Do you understand me?"
"You didn't have to throw that curve ball at me! You could've just said 'Uh, yeah, Annie, I do. Boobs! Duh doy!' -"
"I don't talk that way."
" - Instead you ramble on telling me I'm attractive -"
"Sometimes. I said sometimes."
" - And then you just want us to be friends?"
"Did you understand anything, Annie?"
She softens.
"I did, but sometimes you say and do the darndest things, and like you, I get curious."
She seemed sincere, but he's not trusting her unless -
"And yes, Abed. I'm real. This is real. We're cutting back on the buttered noodles."
"Okay."
He'd awakened something in her.
She's curious.
Annie, he'd come to realize, is one to dream up scenarios, too, but she never uses that gift the way he does. She SWOTs situations in real time, and the only time she'd be dreaming on a whim would be about her and Jeff. This was something new, and he wondered if it was something she'd dare try.
"There's a way we can come out of this unscathed. Would you care for a demonstration?"
"What?"
"Will you render imaginated dreamscapes with me?"
"Of what?"
"Of us."
Annie seems fazed by this. Fazed, but neither bothered nor baffled. She's experiencing jitters before the jump.
"Why?"
"I'm trying to illustrate a point."
"I still have that checklist -"
There WAS that.
"You know what? Why not? But let's make a deal."
"I get that I'm keeping you -"
"If I get back in there without going through this, I'll keep asking myself 'what if?'"
"Okay."
"I pitch your ideas in front of the dean. You help me with the presentation. Nothing fancy. Just a slide show."
"Okay."
"How do we start?"
"Come sit with me."
He cues for her to sit on his lap. She seems worried, so he gave her a little nudge and she easily slipped onto him from the arm rest. She acclimates herself a bit and then settles.
"How does it feel?"
"A bit…boney? I mean…really? No body fat?"
"That's your butt's fault. Keep my body fat out of this."
Annie half-heartedly hit him on the chest.
"Close your eyes…and tell me what happens."
"You want me to initiate a sequence?"
"Yes. Walk me through it."
"Okay."
She leans her head on his shoulder…and then nothing.
"You're going to kill my left arm and my lower extremities if we stay this way the whole night."
"I'm trying!"
"I look at you wondering what your head on my shoulder means. As in the end of a two-episode arc in the middle of a season of a television series, we dolly out in a state of uneasy closure, the two protagonists seemingly settled and their conflict resolved…for now…Fade to black."
"No! We're not fading to black! We've already faded to black twice. You're not walking out on me again."
"What'll it be, then?"
"I look up at you. My eyes are highlighted by the light coming in from the living room blinds. Colors bleed out until all that's left are light and shadow."
Abed looks around. The colors peel away from their surroundings, and their skin appears ashen.
"Nice."
"You gaze into my eyes, and you say something men from that era would tell women before they kiss them."
"Your lips look parched, sugar. Why don't I do something about that?"
"And we give each other a close-mouthed kiss."
They kissed, and it wasn't good. But such were scenes back then…they were melodramatic and brought to mind two surfaces with too much rubber adhesive forced to stick together. Annie's surprisingly perceptive.
"Cool. Cool, cool, cool."
"I figured, in old movies, they never really get into the act. They kiss, and then the next scene would be them picking up the pieces or, you know…just lying around on the bed. We could flick witty one-liners at each other."
It sounds like something he could commit to. It approximates something he's been curious about for a while now, but it strays from the hairy bits where he stops the event from happening. This feels like Annie bending over backwards for him, though.
"Is this what you really want?"
"Not at first, but this sounds fun."
"Annie, you can dream up anything you want."
Annie stands up and sashays to his door and opens it. She looks over her shoulder.
"Well, what girl doesn't dream to be swept off her feet by a young Clark Gable?"
"Britta."
"There are always exceptions, but not a lot of them."
She walks in, and he follows her. Annie immediately dives onto his bed and crawls under his sheets. He watched a lump of printed cotton in the middle of his bed writhe and spew out a red hoodie.
"What are you doing?"
A head pops up from the edge of the sheets, and then her neck, and then her bare shoulders.
"Come on! Get in here!"
"Annie, you don't –"
Annie sits up and carefully places the sheets on her.
"Give me a candy cigarette. I'll try my best to speak like Lauren Bacall."
Interesting.
"That makes me Humphrey Bogart, then."
"What can I say, darling? We're classic."
That wasn't an accurate Bacall, but it'll do.
He tucks himself in and offers her a candy cigarette. She droops the candy on her lips just so.
"How do I look?"
"Not too shabby."
She slips into his bed a little deeper, reclining, and handles her candy cigarette with aplomb.
"So, big boy, you tell me how this plays out."
"Any second now, your foot is going to scoot over and get friendly with my leg because you couldn't get enough of me."
"Don't flatter yourself. The reason I'm staying is for the free chocolate. I'm sure if you want another round you can get it from your woman. I'm assuming that's what she does."
"Classy how you lure me into this and then conveniently give me the slip when the situation doesn't suit you."
"Is that desperation I hear? Look, if you want me to snuggle with you Mr. Nadir, all you have to do is ask."
"And if I wanted something else?"
"Then you'd have to do a lot better than three minutes."
Then Annie breaks character and giggles.
"I'm sorry, Abed."
"What's wrong?"
"That was so mean."
"But you're laughing."
"I don't really know what I'm saying."
"I thought it was sexy."
She choked.
"You really shouldn't accept me saying that."
"I can giggle with you all you want. I really don't mind because I know you don't know the truth and you never will."
"What truth?"
"That I can last way more than three minutes."
That shut her up.
"So. Where were we?"
He could tell she was shocked and was having a hard time slipping back into character.
"Curious?"
"You told me we were getting out of this unscathed."
"Are you developing feelings for me, Annie?"
"Feelings of discomfort, Abed."
"How'd this prude find its way here?"
"Abed."
Abed slips back into being himself.
"I'm not the one who led you to my bed. You said we were going to exchange witty one-liners from a bygone era. That was the draw. There are dozens of scenarios you can come up with. You could have a date montage or a caper or an elaborate heist. Instead, you thought of this. You didn't have to think this one up, but I'll admit I underestimated you. That was awesome while it lasted."
She agrees to this.
"And you're telling me I need to last more than three minutes."
"Ha ha."
The colors start seeping into the dreamscape.
"See what I mean?"
She hides herself under the covers.
"Give me a second."
It wasn't a second. It was a while. He could hear her mumbling to herself, and when she emerged, she was back, on her stomach, his sheets slowly inching off of her. Her candy cigarette lazily balanced on her lips.
"Aren't you supposed to take that as a challenge, big boy?"
The red on her lips start fading and the room steadily grows dark. There's smoke coming out of that candy cigarette. The room gets muggy.
This is a really good comeback.
"I thought I lost you there."
She shrugged.
"Nothing better to do so I guess I'll stick around."
Annie pulls the sheets close to her and turns around.
"Are we going to sit and talk all night, or are you going to do something about this?"
He considers her for a moment. She waits on him with her half-lidded gaze and blows out a ribbon of smoke. He could always decline, as he would in most cases, but he's intrigued by the immediate feedback he would get from her.
"You're telling me that, but are you thinking of someone else?"
"I'm not like you, Abed. I don't imagine other people when I'm with someone. I take what I'm given."
Fair enough.
It will start with him kissing her, awkwardly at first, but then they'll really get into it. Considering the character she'd given herself, she'd be more forceful. She'd want to be on top…so she'll straddle him. The sheets will fall off of her, naturally. He still doesn't know how naked she is, so he'd rather not expect anything. He would, at least, be front row and center at the premier of Annie's boobs. She'll help him with his hoodie and his shirt...and then in the struggle, he will accidentally butt dial Jeff.
He's crossing his fingers that he butt dials Jeff.
Unlike before, he's not running the show. He's only reacting to this robust environment Annie had surprisingly created. He can't not be in it.
You don't get this from Annie every day.
He goes in for the rubber adhesive kiss. She plays into it as expected, but soon she wants more from it. She parts her lips, coaxing him into doing the same.
Despite the cigarette, her lips tasted like sugar.
She snuffs out her cigarette on the head board and willed herself onto him, grabbing onto his sleeves like a cornered cat. They kiss some more. He could feel her nails dig into the cloth. Maybe what he said about coming out of this unscathed was wrong…at least literally. He lets her crawl onto him, ushering her in with a hand on her waist. He runs a finger down her spine and she arches her back and moans.
This doesn't feel like film noir anymore, but he's not complaining.
Annie sits up and teases a glance at the sheets still covering her, her nipples angrily pushing against the thin fabric.
Her thighs tighten around his hips.
The heady scent coming off of her rounded up the dreamscape nicely.
He awaits her approval.
She bites her lip and smiles.
He takes his cue.
Abed gently tugs at the fabric barely clinging onto her...in his mind, a choir of angels sing.
There they are…Annie's boobs
She still had her longjohns on…but Annie's boobs.
If only Troy could see them…he'd say "WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT?"
"What's the matter, big boy? Never seen a woman before?"
"I have, but not this one. Who would have thought this would grow out of a little girl named Annie?"
She comes closer to whisper something. An earthy, guttural timbre trickled into his ear.
"I hope that doesn't mean I have to wait until tomorrow for the sun to come out."
He'd have wanted to admire her a bit longer, but they're right on schedule. He reels her in with his mouth as he slips off his hoodie. She pulls his shirt up really slowly.
It's a struggle. Her fingers grazing on his skin sends really painful jolts to his muscles.
She'd already held his shirt up halfway…uh oh…
She's decided to change tack.
She twirls a finger on his exposed flesh.
His breathing quickens.
Her hand finds his belt buckle.
"It's too early for the main course, baby." He gambles.
Jeff, speak up…
She lets out an unimpressed chuckle.
…C'mon, Jeff.
"I know. But I feel like nibbling on something meatier."
"JESUS!"
Squawks a disembodied voice.
"Hey Jeff." Abed croaked and cleared his throat. He pulled his phone out from his back pocket and put Jeff on loudspeaker.
Now Annie's panicking. Her self-awareness shoots up, and she gathers his sheets to herself as she picks her hoodie up from the floor. The room bursts into color and the haze from the imagined cigarette smoke dissipates almost instantly.
"OOH!"
Annie hit her toe on the corner of the bed.
"Annie?" Jeff's disbelief translates very clearly through his phone's meager squawk box.
"Yes. Say 'hi,' Annie."
Annie grunts her pain.
"Where are you guys exactly?"
"In my room."
"Is it me, or did I just hear Annie say some R stuff…among other…that wasn't Annie ANNIE, was it?" Says Jeff, curious.
Annie looks like she's going to have a meltdown. He grabs a handful of chocolate from his bedside table drawer and hands them to Annie. She pretends to be disgusted but eventually starts unwrapping them.
"Did you call? I didn't hear my phone ring."
"You've been butt dialing me the whole night, Abed. Can you explain to me how that is possible?"
"I think I actually called you a couple of times tonight…I'm not sure."
"And this time?"
"I organized my phone's contacts last night, so I appended letters beside contacts according to how often I call people. You're AA Jeff."
"Shouldn't Annie be the one you butt dial since her name starts with an A?"
"I have her as AD Annie."
"What about Rachel?"
"I haven't really figured it out. I can't put her at the top of my list since I contact you and the dean more often than her."
"Really?"
After finishing her chocolates, Annie seems to have calmed down, but she starts whimpering.
"Abed, what's going on?" There's real concern - at least by Jeff's standards, which sounds like he's trying to squeeze a confession out of somebody.
"How long have you been on the line?"
"Oh!"
That was Annie gasping. Strangely, it sounded more like an aroused yip.
"Annie, please stop doing that."
"Doing what?" Abed could hear angst and frustration.
Jeff's struggling to hold it back. He's jealous.
He searches Annie for a reaction.
She's sad and scared and embarrassed at first, but then her face softens, and then brightens.
"How long have you been on the line, Jeff?"
"I don't know. I thought you were with someone else. That woman did not sound like Annie, and I thought, 'Abed's got some company. This is going to be interesting,' and then you said 'Annie,' and then I thought, 'that can't be Annie.' But then –"
"Would you say around five minutes?"
"Wu – What? Yes. I'd say around five minutes."
"Hey Jeff! Did you call? I didn't hear Abed's phone ring."
Annie had come from behind. She took the phone from him and laid it on the bed.
"I didn't. Abed did, accidentally, when you were –" Jeff's was on edge.
She's nervous, but sensible.
"I don't remember him dialing. Did you dial Jeff, Abed?"
"He didn't pick up his phone. It was in his back pocket."
"You mean he butt dialed you?"
"Yes, Annie. He butt dialed me." Jeff was exasperated.
"How could he butt dial you? Your name begins with a 'J'."
"That's - Why do I have to explain myself?"
"I don't know."
Annie looks at him. He'd seen this in a movie before.
"Abed, should Jeff explain something?"
"I asked him how long he's been on the line."
"Has he been on the line for long?"
"He says five minutes."
"Who stays on the line for that long after being butt dialed?"
"Not me."
"Why didn't you speak up sooner, Jeff?"
There was dead silence…then the dial tone. He finally gets to zip his pants.
"You really do good in a pinch."
"The Big Sleep. Bacall and Bogey, right?"
She giggled but seemed sad.
"Do you think Jeff is going to stop talking to us?"
"I don't think so, but I doubt he could sleep tonight. He's dying to know what all that was about."
"We could tell him you were writing a movie and you called me in to run some lines."
"We should come clean."
Annie's shocked.
"We're going to tell Jeff that we were about to –"
"Was that real to you? Because to me that was still a simulation. I told you nothing's going to happen."
"Even if you wanted to."
"Even if we wanted to."
"But when we were…I think I felt something."
"But then you hear Jeff's voice, and all that goes away."
"I guess."
"I told you I was illustrating a point. You said you were curious. I was curious. Are things going to be different after this? It depends on how we view the situation. A lot of the things you did tonight surprised me, Annie. You rendered a fully realized environment and committed to it. You try to be into the stuff I'm into even when you know I'm not always able to reciprocate. And when you saw me in a bunch, you offered to make me my Special Drink and buttered noodles. You were a friend to me. I can't swap that for anything, especially not for something temporary, like a night in bed with you."
Annie does her 'aww' face and gives him a hug.
"Plus, I got to see your boobs AND do noir, so there's no way I'm coming out of this dissatisfied."
"Ugh. Really?"
Maybe he's happy with what happened, but Annie?
"Are we still friends?"
"Shirley's going to hate us both."
"She will, but the ever-present Christian voice in her head will persuade her to forgive. Also, her sense of community borne from her discordant relationship with her in-laws should keep her from completely letting her issue with infidelity ruin the group."
"That sounds like we're taking advantage of her weaknesses."
"I run the scenarios, Annie. The path I choose always will be for the group's best interest."
"So you've seen this before?"
"Not really."
"What?"
"You were holding the reins on this one. I was only reacting to whatever you threw at me. But that one with Shirley, I had that before all of this began."
This fell flat with Annie. There's one thing that could make her feel better, though.
"You do realize that even after all that's happened, all we ever did was kiss."
"We got to second base."
"First base…with a second base sneak peek. You don't know the difference, do you?"
"I do!"
No. She doesn't.
"I do!"
"I barely touched you. Second base necessitates heavy petting."
"I thought it's when you show your sensitive parts and stuff."
He tilts his head.
"No?"
He shakes his head.
"So when Jeff asks –"
"We just kissed."
This lightens her mood. She did say something about something being meatier. It's the one line that Jeff will remember, but things will go according to plan. Jeff gets mad, but then eventually, his relationship with Annie will progress. Shirley will be offended, but it's not like she hadn't heard Annie be scandalous before. Britta's Britta. She'll try to moralize until her arguments boomerang and hit her in the face.
"What about Rachel?" She asks.
What about Rachel?
"I promised her we won't keep anything from each other."
"Not even this?"
"Yes."
"You could lose her."
"If this gets around, she might want to talk, and maybe then I'll know what to say and what I really feel. All I know now is I don't want her to drift away without me knowing what happened."
"Then tell her that."
She smiles.
"Thanks, Annie."
She steps off his bed. So did he.
"What's up?"
"I'll walk you to your room."
"Are you afraid this isn't real again?"
She'd picked up on that without asking.
"I don't want this to be another Groundhog Day."
She held his hand, their fingers entwined.
"You got me to tell you this is real."
He looks at her for a moment.
"I think I'll call Pavel."
"Ooooookaaaay?"
When they'd reached Annie's door, Abed held his hand up to wave goodbye, but Annie held her palm up against his and pushed. He pushed back.
"I'll e-mail you the outline in an hour."
"Okay. Remind me to visit the phone dealers tomorrow. I find flip phones safer and more reliable."
"You can say that again."
"I find flip phones safer and more reliable."
"This handshake really isn't working, is it?"
"We'll workshop handshakes and find one that does."
"Totally."
He smiles.
"We're really good friends, aren't we?" Annie asked.
"Good friends."
She tiptoes and gives him a kiss on the cheek, then disappears into her room.
He considers the door and thought it is as it should be.
He'll outgrow buttered noodles and candy cigarettes. Maybe he'll outgrow relying on Annie and the group…or whatever's left of it, eventually. Maybe soon he'll outgrow his anxieties and hopefully learn to relate with people on their terms. He'll eventually learn to let them go when they're past their due date.
He glanced at the refrigerator, gave it a thumb up and a smile, and there it was…he could hear it.
Inside his engine was finally purring contentedly.
-0-
END TAG
INT. ANNIE AND ABED'S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
Abed is seated in his chair with a bowl of buttered noodles. A light flickers on him. It's the television and he's watching The Big Sleep. Behind him is the door to Annie's room.
The door opens, and Annie steps out wearing her ski-trip nightie.
She carefully closes the door behind her.
CUT TO
Abed looking up at her.
POV Abed. She's a little sweaty and a bit winded. There's a smug look on her face.
TS. She confidently sits across Abed's lap and takes the bowl of buttered noodles from him and feeds him. He does not refuse this.
Behind them, Annie's door opens again. Out comes Jeff in his striped skivvies.
CUT TO
Both of them looking up at him.
POV Annie and Abed. Jeff looks lustily at them both.
JEFF
I want that.
Annie and Abed look at each other, clueless.
CUT TO
Jeff and Annie on Abed's lap, taking turns feeding him buttered noodles.
END