I sat in my room and looked up at the white ceiling dreading the next day. Monday. Especially because of the fact I had just been home and seen my family and old friends and slept in my own bed. And now break was over.
A knock on my door stirred me from my thoughts and I looked up to see Cam standing in my door way.
"Come on in brother, is everything okay?" I asked with concern.
"Jaydon, everything's fine, can't I just come over and talk with my little sister?" He asked with a weak grin.
Considering Campbell was not only my brother, but my best friend I knew something was wrong. But with a response like that, he just wanted to get his mind off of things.
"How's Maya?" I asked as he sat down on the end of my bed.
"Oh, she's good," He said with a shrug. "How are you holding up? We've been at Degrassi for how long now? And I still haven't seen you hang out with anyone."
"What can I say, I'm a lone wolf." I said with a shrug.
He gave me a look that said he knew better and my shoulders sagged with defeat. "I just don't know how to trust anyone there. I've talked to a few people. And I mean me and Maya are friends I think?" I said, as if I were asking him.
He gave me a small smile and turned to look directly at me, "She considers you a good friend," he said reassuringly. "But I just think you should branch out and make more. I'm worried about you young one," he said using my nick name from when we were five and six. He always liked to point out that he was older.
It made me smile.
I could still see the distress in his eyes, but I didn't say anything. We sat in silence and then I looked at the clock.
"It's past midnight, we should both go to bed." I suggested.
"You're right, sleep tight," he said tussling my hair with a grin. I laughed and then watched him walk out of my room.
The mom of the family Cam and I were staying with dropped me off just as soon as the Ice Hounds bus pulled up to Degrassi.
I waited for Cam to get off the bus and started walking next to him. "How was hockey practice?" I asked with a grin.
He glared at me jokingly and I laughed. Just then a small blonde with glasses bound down the steps and I smiled as Maya jumped into Cam's arms.
"I missed you like crazy!" She said with a smile to him.
I acknowledged the fact they hadn't seen each other for a week and waved to them before I made my way up the stairs.
I noticed a figure a lot bigger then my own walking next to me and it tapped me on the shoulder. "Yes, Dallas?"
"Can you talk to your brother? He doesn't seem like himself, and he really needs to get his head in the game." Dallas asked following me to my locker.
"Maybe you should ask the captain of the hockey team to do it himself," I said looking up only to give him a sarcastic look to match my tone.
He shook his head and leaned against the lockers next to mine. "You know little Saunders, I missed having games cause I missed seeing your happy face and bright personality," he retaliated back.
"It's what I do Dallas, I'm just a big ball of sunshine," I grinned as I closed my locker. "Now if we're done here, I have to get to class,"
"Please, don't let me stop you," he said as he extended his arms and gestured for me to go.
As I started walking away he called me, "By the way little Saunders," I turned back around and he threw a red bandana at me. "You're on my team for spirit week. Doesn't that just brighten up your day?"
I rolled my eyes and stuck my tongue out at him and heard him laugh as I walked away.
As the first event for spirit week was about to start I held the hockey stick and looked around at me team. It seemed a bit unfair that Dallas and Cam were on the same team.
As everyone was getting ready to start I was looking down, not being one for sports. I heard the whistle blow and looked up just in time to see Cam punch Zig.
All hell broke loose and I ran to my brother and tried to help hold him back, but in all reality it was just Dallas holding him.
"What is wrong with you?" I asked him just before Principal Simpson directed Maya, Zig, Cam, Dallas, and myself to his office.
I stood in the back and watched everyone duke it out, but I didn't say a word. I wasn't even asked.
Cam got suspended for a week.
As he walked out of the office I followed him and pulled his arm. "What is wrong with you?" I asked, a bit disappointed at his lack of self control.
"It's nothing Jaydon," he said.
As he was walking away I saw Mike Dallas on a storm path after him and as he started yelling at Cam I just walked away hanging my head.
That night I sat in my bedroom, I was waiting for Cam to come home so I could talk to him.
He was acting weird lately and I couldn't put my finger on it.
I waited so long, and as the clock read 11:47 I finally texted him.
'Cam, where are you?'
I waited for five minutes until he finally responded.
'Maya's'
I sighed and laid down pulling the blankets all the way to my chin.
"I'm sure he's telling Maya about his problems... But I'm always the one he goes to," I murmured out loud quietly.
The next day after school I walked into Cam's room and brought him his books. "Day One," I said in a jokingly deep voice as I put his books down and went and pulled the covers off his face.
His eyes were red and puffy as he looked up at me. He sat up and I pulled him into a hug and he cried into my shoulder.
"Cam, what is it?" I asked softly rubbing his back.
He didn't respond. He just sobbed into my shoulder. Finally the crying subsided and he looked at me. For the first time in my life he stopped trying to be strong for me.
"I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up," he whispered to me. He laid down and he looked so young with the covers pulled to his chin. I wiped the tears from his eyes and shrugged.
"I do too sometimes, but life goes on. If this is about yesterday, that was your choice. It was a wrong one, but people make mistakes and they move on." I said as I stood up.
"You'll be okay big brother, I promise," I said and I grabbed his hand.
He squeezed my hand tightly and I gave him a weak smile, and walked out of his room.
That night I heard footsteps go down the stairs and I peeked out of my door and saw Cam making his way down, trying to be sneaky. I chuckled and shook my head.
'That boy is crazy about Maya, but if he keeps going over there this late he's going to get in trouble eventually.' I thought to myself.
The next morning I got dropped off in front of Degrassi the same time the ice hounds bus pulled up and I waited for Cam. Dallas was the last person off.
"Hey, where's Cam? Isn't he gonna take the bus back home?" I asked.
"No, he bailed on practice this morning. Not all of us can be superstars," he said with an angry hint in his voice.
Just then a cop car passed by and stopped and the green house and my stomach lurched as I started to worry about Cam.
I made my way up the stairs and figured he'd arrive with Maya and catch the bus back home then. The worry resolved and I opened my locker with an empty mind, just thinking if I had done everything for that day.
"Jaydon, you're needed in Principal Simpsons office," My English teacher said from what seemed like out of no where. I closed my locker and he was there and I shrugged.
"Why?" I asked curiously.
"Just, go... Please," he said and with that he walked away.
I made my way to Simpsons office and I could see the distress in his eyes. That was one thing I was good at. Telling when people weren't okay.
"You wanted to see me sir?" I asked setting my books on the floor.
"Jaydon, your family and the family you're staying with has just been notified... Your brother, Cam, committed suicide sometime in the greenhouse last night," he said.
I shook my head and suddenly I couldn't hear what he was saying. It's like I was underwater, my breathing felt sharp.
My best friend, my brother, the reason I had moved to Degrassi. He was gone.
"But-" I said in the middle of some woman's talking. She was standing there the whole time. I think. I don't remember.
"Yes?" She asked gently.
"He can't be gone," I said quietly.
She took my hand in hers, she felt warm.
"Grief is handled in different ways, and this is going to be extremely hard for you, but there will be councilors here for you to talk to constantly," she said. "The most important thing you can do is talk."
I nodded and stood up and looked in Principal Simpsons eyes.
"Jaydon, you can go home if you want," he said gently.
I shook my head and picked up my books.
"I have to get to English sir," I said quietly as a tear fell from my eye. I turned and started walking but before I reached the door I turned to him and asked quietly, "Who found him?"
He hesitated and shook his head, "I don't think I can say-"
"Sir, please," I said with desperation in my voice.
"Eli Goldsworthy," he said with a nod.
"Where is he?"
"He's in his history class. Room 211," he said quietly.
I made my way there and sat on the ground outside the door. The halls were empty and I found this spot on the floor that was discolored from the rest and I stared at it for at least 45 minutes. My head was empty, and I couldn't think about anything except for seeing Cam walk down those stairs last night.
The bell rang but I didn't move, the world just moved around me. I felt a body slide down and sit next to me. I finally pulled my eyes away from the spot on the floor to see Eli Goldsworthy.
I looked into the eyes of this boy I had never spoken a word to in my life, but I had heard of him. He knew I was Cam's sister.
Suddenly I started sobbing and he pulled me into a hug. The people in the halls started looking at us, and I wasn't sure if they knew or not, but I didn't care.
Eli stroked my hair and suddenly I heard the people around us go to class. I didn't stop sobbing though. I cried for what seemed like a life time but when I pulled my face from Eli's shoulder I looked at the clock and it had been 20 minutes. I sniffled and looked at the wet spot on his shoulder and it looked like he had been sprayed with a hose there.
"Sorry," I whispered.
"It's fine," he said shaking his head and shrugging. When I went to lean against the wall there was a body to my left.
"Did they tell you?" I asked.
"10 minutes ago," Mike Dallas' voice responded, sounding weak for the first time ever.
I looked over at him and his face was distraught.
I looked over at Eli and he was expressionless.
The air that hung over us seemed stale and it tasted of sadness and bitterness. Maybe that was just me though.
I found my spot on the floor again and I finally realized how truly alone in the world I was now without my best friend.
"What did he look like?" I asked Eli, not taking my eyes off the discolored floor.
Eli sighed and shook his head, "I don't know how to explain it."
I sighed back and nodded once to indicate I understood.
"This is my fault," Dallas said in a whisper.
I turned to him and shook my head no.
A tear fell from his eye as the bell rang and stood up.
He walked away angrily and I wanted to get up but I couldn't feel my legs. Or my arms.