Love is not Enough

Mai hesitated at the door. Zuko was on the other side waiting for her, but was this confrontation a good idea? She was calling it a confrontation, not a discussion; what did that say about her state of mind? Maybe it was all doomed, everything, her and Zuko.

Part of her longed to run, far away from her 'boyfriend', far away from the Fire Nation, far away from everything she knew. Relationships were difficult and contentious and after all that hard work, the one she loved best betrayed her. So what was the point?

"What's the point of anything? "

She whispered the words, knowing it was the hurt talking. But Mai lacked the sunny disposition of others she knew and had leaned toward darkness for as long as she could recall. Sometimes she envied Aang and Katara too, all of them reaĺly.

But they've had their troubles. It's not just me and Zuko. And they're not always cheerful.

True enough; no one was without problems. And when she thought about Katara and Sokka losing their mother, Aang losing all of his people, and Zuko...oh, Zuko...Mai was ashamed for even thinking her childhood had been bad, ashamed of the gloomy world she had inhabited.

It was...I protected myself the one way I could...

And expressing herself was such a monumental effort. All those emotions boiling away beneath the surface; she kept them down where they belonged.

Where I was told they should be. No good girl shouts or weeps or demands, not in front of others anyway. Do that in private. No one should see.

That's what Mai was good at. That's what she knew.

It's so hard to change. I want to do better. I want to show Zuko my rage. I want him to feel it. Like at Boiling Rock.

Mai flinched at the memory. Boiling Rock was a turning point, for her, for her relationship with Zuko, for the fate of the Fire Nation. Zuko in that chair; his shame, her anger, their pain. She had never loved him more. Mai hated him then too.

She sighed and slouched against the wall, exhausted already.

Zuko sensed her outside the door. What was Mai waiting for? Maybe she didn't want to talk after all. Maybe she would leave and never come back. Maybe he would never see her again.

The Fire Lord's hand, brush held delicately between thumb and finger, hovered over the pot of ink. A letter needed writing. A letter always needed writing. Something always needed doing and someone always needed reassurance or appeasing. Feeling overwhelmed was a constant. Sleep was rare and even when he did lie down, his mind continued to race. He could find no time to eat well or keep up his firebending. Whatever had held him together up until this point was tearing. Zuko knew it. And he was terrified.

That's why I went to see him. That's why I went to see Ozai.

The excuse was feeble. And Mai had every right to be angry. But he'd messed up before. Things had worked out. Why was this time different? Why was Mai different?

Zuko pinched the bridge of his nose hard, harder still, until he grimaced. And old habit; so many destructive ones...they were the sum of him, the products of his childhood, his banishment, the burning.

But I'm not all bad. I've changed. I've tried to at least. And before all this, before Mom left, I was different. Wasn't I? Weren't we?

He recalled with a smile, Mai and her hair ribbons, so shy, so quiet, everything way down deep inside her, but so appealing and so beautiful, so different from other girls he had seen. Maybe if they could go back and watch themselves, see the trembling, tentative steps toward friendship and then something else, maybe things would be better now.

"Fantasy and daydreams," Zuko chastised himself.

The world was harsh. And he needed to live in it, here and now. He needed to be brave and smart and listen to those who loved him. Closing his eyes for a moment, gathering that courage, Zuko pushed back from the desk and stood. The door was a few paces away. He covered the space in seconds.

"Oh," Mai uttered when the door opened and Zuko stood before her.

Her first urge was to drag him to a bed, push him down and sit on him until he slept. The Fire Lord was a mess and Mai's heart twisted inside her chest.

Zuko dragged a hand through his long, brown hair and then rubbed at his eyes. "What? Do I look that bad?"

"Terrible." Mai clenched her fists at her side because now she wanted to caress Zuko's cheeks, put her arms around him, hold him tight.

"Blunt, as usual." He couldn't help but grin. That directness was a quality he admired.

Mai shrugged. "Yeah, well, someone has to be."

"Umm, would you like some tea? Iroh sent some new blends. They came yesterday."

"I'm not here for tea."

Zuko had already turned away, busying himself with heating the water and spooning out the leaves. His hand trembled.

"There, it'll be ready in a few minutes. It's almond. Smells wonderful, and you know what my uncle says...'tea makes everything better'."

"Not this, not us." Mai rolled her eyes and shook her head. "And I don't want any tea. Zuko, you don't listen. That's part of your problem"

"I heard you. I hear you."

"Do you? Really?" Her voice cracked. Mai blinked back tears. She would not cry today. She'd done enough of that already.

Zuko slumped, resting his head in one hand, watching Mai furtively. "I swore to myself I would never make you cry again."

"I'm not," Mai snarled. She wiped at her eyes, furious with them for giving her away.

"You are," the Fire Lord retorted and finally met her gaze head on.

Mai's eyes still glistened and pain radiated off her. But she was fierce and strong and stood straight and tall. Zuko reached out. Mai slapped his hand away.

"Don't!"

Zuko's undamaged eye widened. "I'm sorry, Mai, so sorry. I just want to touch you. I've hurt you so much. I see that now."

I love her. Look what I've done. What if we can never go back?

"Can we go back?"

"No, only forward," Mai whispered.

And maybe not that...

Zuko's hand twitched, moved toward Mai again. But he resisted the need, dropping it down to his side where it grasped at fine silk. "Tell me what to do."

"I shouldn't have to. I won't. You need to figure it out, Zuko. When you have, let me know." Her voice was steel now.

Mai turned and headed to the door.

"Please! I love you, Mai."

He sounded so broken. But Mai held firm. She hurried through the doorway and down the hall, never looking back. Not until Mai had rounded a few corners did she crack. And then she ran into a tiny room, flinging herself down into a chair. Face pressed into scarlet cushions, she wept.

So much for not crying today.

"I love you, Zuko, " she repeated, over and over. Part of her regretted not saying those words to him. And part of her felt he didn't deserve them.

It took awhile for her tears and sobs to stop. But when they did, Mai felt calm and steady.

I did the right thing. I know it.

Because sometimes love was not enough. If only Zuko knew that too.

One day he will...perhaps.

But Mai would not wait forever, not for anyone.