Fading Forever

Category: Angst, major angst

Pairing: Sam/Cam

Summary: 'You wanna weigh up the rational arguments for that one?'

Warnings: Character death

Disclaimer: Own nothing, nadda, zip!

Author's Notes: Inspired by the Grey's Anatomy episode where Izzy stays on the floor after Denny's death.

Sam blinked, trying to remember how exactly she ended up face down on the bench in the women's locker room. It should have been an easy task but it was almost like her thoughts were trapped in a loop, recalling all the details right up until the exact moment she'd stepped into the dimly lit room.

'How did I get here?' She uttered the question softly, ignoring the cool metal that pressed into her cheek. It was an inconvenience but hardly enough to drive her up from her current position. A whisper in the back of her subconscious told her that it may be a good thing she couldn't remember, or at the very least irrelevant… there was only one thing that mattered now.

She swallowed hard, eyes never faltering from the imaginary point holding her gaze. 'How do we go back?'

Cam drew his knees up, ignoring the locker door that clanged as his weight pushed against it. The question may have been implausible but it was asked with such conviction it was clear she still expected an answer.

Unfortunately he could only offer what he knew.

'Can't go back Sam.'

Her forehead creased as the words echoed around the quiet room.

Maybe she couldn't go back but at this point going forward didn't seem like a viable option either. 'It hurts…'

He blew out a long breath letting his writs slack against his knees. Although false promises would've been more comforting, he was unable to force the cliche's of it'll be okay or just give it some time. Neither of them were stupid and they both knew the ramifications the previous twenty-four hours would bring.

'I know…'

The tone of his voice gave away what was coming next and she deliberately kept her words quiet willing him to understand. 'I don't want to move…'

He heard her breath catch slightly and tilted his head in sympathy, 'I know. But sooner or later...'

'I know.'

The inflection tore at his heart and he would've responded had the door not creaked open, signaling the entry of a third person in the room.

'Sam…?'

She didn't register her surprise as footsteps crossed the room and remained completely still as Daniel entered her line of vision.

'You okay?'

He crouched down beside her and while her first instinct was to laugh, an after thought deemed it not socially acceptable.

'I…' She blinked a few times managing to form an appropriate response, though she practically had to force it out. 'I just…need a minute.'

'Okay.' He rubbed the side of his glasses wondering whether or not to it would be prudent to mention he already been waiting for over two hours, at the request of Carolyn, for her to immerge.

Ultimately he decided to leave it. Time, although it wouldn't be much, was at least something he could give her and the Doctor would just have to wait a little longer to do her post mission checks.

With a sigh he stood up, wincing as the pressure eased from the his knees. 'When you're ready Carolyn wants to see you.'

'Sure...'

Sam fought the urge to pull away as he reached down giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. She knew it was meant as a friendly gesture but the contact burned as if he'd slapped the skin and she felt guilty for feeling relieved as he moved away.

The door opened and then closed a second later with the same monotonous sound and she inwardly flinched knowing what would come from the man beside her.

'You should have told him.'

His voice wasn't accusing like she'd imagined it would be but it still held a twinge of warning, provoking the need to defend herself. 'It's not that bad.'

'You wanna weigh up the rational arguments for that one?'

He raised an eyebrow and the smallest of smiles breached her lips, though it quickly faded. 'It's not my blood Cam.'

Shivers ran down his spine as his gaze flittered across the dark stains covering her shirt. It may not be her blood but he'd witnessed the blow she taken to the back of the head. There may not be any physical evidence but their current situation proved it was still serious.

'You think it's normal to be sitting talking to a dead man?'

She frowned as the words caused a strange sensation to jolt through her body. The pain, the memories… they were all still there just, blurred slightly and she could feel them pushing against the fog in her mind trying to break through.

Her fingers curled tightly beneath her head in response. It wasn't right, she wasn't ready yet...

'Sam…'

'Don't.' She kept her gaze steady refusing to listen, 'Just don't.'

Cam glanced down at his hands hesitantly. He was an apparition, a figment of her imagination which meant that deep down some part of her subconscious was willing to listen to what he had to say.

'You don't have to do this alone. Daniel, Teal'c, Vala... they're all waiting for you.'

She bit down on her lip trying to calm to swell of panic that rose in her stomach. He didn't mean it, probably wasn't even aware of the added pressure his words brought... but despite what they all thought she wasn't shrouding herself in denial, she knew what was coming.

Images of entering the locker room filled her mind and in a moment of clarity she realized what had led her here. The reality of loosing him, the overwhelming pain that caused her to collapse against the cold metal… it had hit from every side squeezing the air from her lungs and then, it stopped.

She stopped.

Remaining perfectly still, knowing as long as she didn't move it would be okay… if only for a moment.

'You know this can't be a permanent solution?'

The urge to snap was overwhelming but she resisted. Of course she knew. All she wanted, all she was asking for, was a little more time. In her mind that wasn't an unreasonable request.

'I'm going to spend everyday for the rest of my life without you. Stop. Pushing. Me.'

She inwardly flinched at the bluntness of her own statement, trying desperately to ignore the harsh truth. Every word threatened to break her, like splinters of glass cracking through a window ready to shatter the entire structure.

Her eyes closed and for a split second she gave up.

A flash of what ifs; leaving, running, never stopping, never looking back and just for a moment, half a breath… she was gone.

'No can do Sam…'

Cam's eye's were a mixture of sympathy and regret as he seemingly answered her thoughts. 'World needs you here. They need you.'

He was right and it caused her chest to rise painfully; everyone was waiting.

Daniel's visit had held whisperers of hushed conversations no doubt wondering about her sanity, waiting for her to move or cry or break down. She wanted to reassure them; say the right words, grieve like they all expected but being strong and capable were traits that felt like echoes now, remnants of a person she couldn't remember how to be.

'I don't know what I'm supposed to do.'

He smiled slightly, wishing he had better advice to offer. 'There aren't rules to this Sam, you've just gotta keep going.'

This time, she did laugh... at the irony. All the things that kept her going, every touch, mission, joke, smile, kiss… it was all gone.

A flicker of pain fought against the tiny spark of strength that rose within her. However lost she felt, deep down she knew there was always something to fight for. Her friends, the planet, the universe… always something to live for.

'That's my girl.' Cam slapped his thigh reluctantly pulling himself off the ground, 'You're gonna be okay Sam.'

'Wait...' She frowned, feeling the incessant pounding in the back of her head growing stronger, drawing her back to reality. She wanted to fight against it, against the bright, harsh world that felt so cold but everything was slipping.

With a deep breath, she realized this was it.

Slowly uncurling her fingers, Cam's voice echoed through her mind as she squinted through hazy vision. Words from when they'd first met, their missions together, late night conversations in bed, all the images and memories rushed around her mind and the room titled sharply as she forced herself up.

After everything it was the least she could do to make sure she survived, for him.

'I was just coming to check…Sam.'

She hadn't heard the door open but she didn't miss the concern in Daniel's voice as he sat beside her.

'I'm okay Daniel, I'm okay....'

She gripped his hand tightly and though he felt relieved, he knew physically she needed attention. 'Come on, lets get you to the infirmary…'

She nodded meekly as he helped her up, resisting the urge to look back as they neared the door.

Colonel Cameron Mitchell was gone, fading as the real world cemented around her.

Gone and fading forever.