Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't sue!
Warning: This is dark.
Summary: Ficlet: What would happen, if everybody turned against you?
Inspired by Augustus' "Branded". This just kinda jumped at me when I read "Branded". Don't know why.
Darkness Surrounds Me
It wasn't supposed to be this way! It has never been this way and I don't want it, but at the same time I can't deny that it is there - inside me - around me - biding its time - waiting for me to come around - to see clearly - to choose ...
But still I can't. What would happen if I did? I could never look at myself again, Sirius would despise me - no he wouldn't, he doesn't even seem to remember I exist.
One mistake, no, not a mistake, but a horrible, unforgivable, unrectifyable blunder that caused too much pain for anybody to bear. And it ended my life; no I'm not dead. It's not that good, I have to live and hear and feel and see what my choice did to the ones I love, but that don't love me. That will never love me again. That can't even stand to be in the same room. That can't stand to look into my eyes. That don't see their friend when they look at me, but a monster that led them to destruction and that they'll never forgive.
At first I tried to wait it out, after months it became clear that I had lost them forever. That nothing could bring them back - and it was all my fault.
I used to look at them with a pleading in my eyes, to bring them to say something anything, just a normal "Hello, Harry." or "How are you?", but all I got were blank stares as if I wasn't there, as if I never existed. As if we hadn't spend the best part of the last six years to keep each other safe, to survive, to be friends..
That's when I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. But even ending everything was something that I couldn't do properly. I tried and tried again and failed and failed again and now I stopped trying because I won't succeed. No matter what I try everything shatters around me. I tried to save them and was too late, too impressed by myself, too dependent on my luck, too naive, too weak to counter him. I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he was killed before my eyes and I couldn't help him. I could never help any of them. I just stood there and survived and survived again and lived through it again and again every night when I closed my eyes, when I looked into their eyes, when I stared at the sky or the ground or the wall.
Just making sure I'll never forget that this happened because of me, because I was foolish, because I underestimated the enemy, because I believed in the good of people, because he's too powerful and I'm too weak.
That is why I'm here now: because I'm weak, because I'm detested, because I can't live like that anymore and because I have to suffer. I deserve to suffer. I will suffer. That is the one thing I'll get right.
I'm tired of fighting, fighting on the outside, fighting on the inside, fighting a part of myself. I'll stop fighting and just pretend I never did. I'll suffer and pretend others won't suffer with me. I'll fail and be happy others don't have to pay for it. I'll follow and not be the leader. I'll be weak and nobody will be disappointed. I'll just stop being myself and nobody will know it has ever been me.
The door in front of me opens and I'm led inside. Everything around me is black, except him. He's there. Sitting. Waiting for me. Just like I remember him. Tall. Powerful. Frightening. Distant. And at the same time he feels like home. This is something I've known all my life, I've craved all my life, I've fought way too long: I'm finally home.
I fall to my knees in front of him and hold out my left arm. I feel a searing pain in it and know that from now on everything will be different, then it stops and I look up into his face and whisper "Thank you, my Lord." END
Warning: This is dark.
Summary: Ficlet: What would happen, if everybody turned against you?
Inspired by Augustus' "Branded". This just kinda jumped at me when I read "Branded". Don't know why.
Darkness Surrounds Me
It wasn't supposed to be this way! It has never been this way and I don't want it, but at the same time I can't deny that it is there - inside me - around me - biding its time - waiting for me to come around - to see clearly - to choose ...
But still I can't. What would happen if I did? I could never look at myself again, Sirius would despise me - no he wouldn't, he doesn't even seem to remember I exist.
One mistake, no, not a mistake, but a horrible, unforgivable, unrectifyable blunder that caused too much pain for anybody to bear. And it ended my life; no I'm not dead. It's not that good, I have to live and hear and feel and see what my choice did to the ones I love, but that don't love me. That will never love me again. That can't even stand to be in the same room. That can't stand to look into my eyes. That don't see their friend when they look at me, but a monster that led them to destruction and that they'll never forgive.
At first I tried to wait it out, after months it became clear that I had lost them forever. That nothing could bring them back - and it was all my fault.
I used to look at them with a pleading in my eyes, to bring them to say something anything, just a normal "Hello, Harry." or "How are you?", but all I got were blank stares as if I wasn't there, as if I never existed. As if we hadn't spend the best part of the last six years to keep each other safe, to survive, to be friends..
That's when I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. But even ending everything was something that I couldn't do properly. I tried and tried again and failed and failed again and now I stopped trying because I won't succeed. No matter what I try everything shatters around me. I tried to save them and was too late, too impressed by myself, too dependent on my luck, too naive, too weak to counter him. I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he was killed before my eyes and I couldn't help him. I could never help any of them. I just stood there and survived and survived again and lived through it again and again every night when I closed my eyes, when I looked into their eyes, when I stared at the sky or the ground or the wall.
Just making sure I'll never forget that this happened because of me, because I was foolish, because I underestimated the enemy, because I believed in the good of people, because he's too powerful and I'm too weak.
That is why I'm here now: because I'm weak, because I'm detested, because I can't live like that anymore and because I have to suffer. I deserve to suffer. I will suffer. That is the one thing I'll get right.
I'm tired of fighting, fighting on the outside, fighting on the inside, fighting a part of myself. I'll stop fighting and just pretend I never did. I'll suffer and pretend others won't suffer with me. I'll fail and be happy others don't have to pay for it. I'll follow and not be the leader. I'll be weak and nobody will be disappointed. I'll just stop being myself and nobody will know it has ever been me.
The door in front of me opens and I'm led inside. Everything around me is black, except him. He's there. Sitting. Waiting for me. Just like I remember him. Tall. Powerful. Frightening. Distant. And at the same time he feels like home. This is something I've known all my life, I've craved all my life, I've fought way too long: I'm finally home.
I fall to my knees in front of him and hold out my left arm. I feel a searing pain in it and know that from now on everything will be different, then it stops and I look up into his face and whisper "Thank you, my Lord." END