I've been watching a lot of chick flicks lately and this sort of just formed itself in my brain. Any OOC-ness was done intentionally, so shut your traps. Jouir!

xoxo -ml

The Deal

When I tell people that last summer was the best summer of my life, they always assume it's because of The Deal. But how do they know? It could've been my favourite summer for a lot of different reasons. Like for example, last summer was the summer my softball team took first place in the district championships. Or the fact that it was my first summer with a driver's license. Any one of the other options helped to make that summer the best summer of my life. But those people were right. None of those things came as close as The Deal.

It all started in June, when Butch came over for the first time.

We had been pretty good friends for a while before then, but this was the first time he'd ever come to my house. I wasn't nervous or anything, even though Bubbles was jumping all over the place with her shouts of "Buttercup's having a boy over!" (since I was the only one of my sisters yet to do so) and the Professor's constant reminders that "He better be a gentleman" threatened to faze me. But it just didn't seem like such a big deal to me.

Nevertheless, he came, and it was raining. There was nothing much to do. Blossom was at a friend's house for the night, the Professor was down in his lab as usual, and Bubbles had long given up her hopeless stalk of Butch and I after all we ended up doing was playing video games on the couch for hours on end.

At around nine o'clock it started to get dark and we settled in for a while. We put away the controllers and switched on a horror film (that we were sure would keep Bubbles up in her room).

And the whole time we were watching the film, we didn't even notice how close we were getting on the couch. What started out as two friends on opposite ends of the chair ended up as two somethings right in the middle, huddled up in each other and an old Mickey Mouse blanket.

It got to the point where I had to look up at him and point this out to him before things got weird.

But he didn't say anything. He didn't have to. His eyes said it all. And I'm definitely not one for the mushy stuff, but all of a sudden it was like I was missing something I hadn't realized I'd ever wanted before. As he kissed me, I could hear the rain plunking on the sidewalk outside on the roof and the girl on TV screamed as she got ripped apart by the guy with axes for hands or whatever they were.

I had always heard about guys and girls who were friends but then their relationship ruined their friendship. I couldn't let that happen with Butch and I. We weren't made to be in a relationship. We were only friends, and that was it. And he had to know that. I liked him too much to lose him.

But the thing was, I liked kissing him and just holding him too much to give up the relationship aspect of it. One of my friends suggested the whole 'friends with benefits' thing, and for some reason that didn't exactly appeal to me. It made me feel like I was cheating out my other guy friends for Butch.

And Butch? Well, I guess he just wanted me. He wanted to kiss me, to hold me, to take advantage of me. And for some reason I was okay with that. Maybe because I wanted him to.

So I came up with a solution that would solve both of our problems.

"I know you don't want to hurt me with the whole relationship thing," I said to him one day as we made out in the grass on the side of the hill by his house. "And I don't want to hurt you, either. So let's make a deal. Don't fall in love with me and I won't fall in love with you."

He seemed to agree because he smiled (smirked, actually, Butch never smiled) and kissed me again, his hands finding their familiar place on my waist and lower back.

And thus, The Deal was born. I know I should've felt relieved that he'd actually agreed to do it, but I felt empty. Something inside me felt hollow that he didn't actually want to be with me. But of course, I didn't want to be with him either, so what was I worried about? All I had to do was be with him and not fall in love with him. Easy.

Except that proved to be a much more difficult task than I'd thought.

Being with Butch made me just forget all of my problems and my worries and fears. It sounds really cheesy and stupid and I've been kicking myself for it ever since I even thought it, but he really did make my life so much better. And I hated myself for it. I was falling for him. I was breaking The Deal. The one, single Golden Rule that we'd both promised not to break, and I was breaking it.

Within a month of unbroken connection to each other, I was head over heels for Butch Michael Jojo.

"What's wrong?" he asked me one day in the middle of July. We were laying on towels at the beach, me on my stomach and him on his back. I had to remind him not to touch me or I'd get an awkward tan line of a hand or something. Again.

"Nothing," I lied.

He smirked. Of course he knew me better than that. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong or am I gonna have to tackle you?"

"I don't think I'll survive another beating from you," I joked. But on the inside my heart was turned to mush at the playful look in his eyes.

"Then...?"

He egged me to talk to him. And how could I resist? Those tantalizing green eyes and that sensual smirk... I couldn't.

So I shifted myself onto my side and pulled him closer to me, kissing him with a hesitation that I could not recall ever having. And he felt it, too, because he pulled away after a minute and studied my face. I like to think I didn't give anything away by the look in my eyes, but knowing him he probably saw right through me.

I wanted so badly to tell him how I felt then, to say that I was in love with him just to see if he felt the same way about me. But I knew that wasn't possible. The Deal had to stay unbroken, if only for a little while. We still had the rest of the summer left ahead of us. I couldn't spoil these perfect moments to risk that.

So I smiled and kissed him, told him not to worry about it. Or else I would be sure to give him something to worry about. And he knew that was his cue to shut up.

There was one day in particular that I know I'll never forget. We had spent the day on the beach, he'd bought us hot dogs on the boardwalk, and we'd gone on every single ride at the carnival. Twice. In the sunset, we walked hand-in-hand down to the boat docks where his father's big fancy yacht waited for us. It was cheesy and ridiculous and stupid, but he had this "idea" in mind and I knew it, too. He was ready, and I don't know if I was ready but god knew I wanted to be.

And so, last summer, on the night of August second, on a tiny futon in a big fancy yacht in the middle of Townsville harbor, I gave up my virginity to Butch Michael Jojo.

I did it without a second thought, I knew I wanted him to be the one even though I knew that was what he was after all along. That night was perfect in so many ways, but I made a mistake. One deadly, crushing mistake.

I told him my secret that night. In the pale glow of the late moon, I told Butch I loved him. His hands rested on either side of my face and he smirked his famous smirk, kissing my forehead.

"No you don't," he returned simply, as if dismissing the weather or schoolwork.

I suddenly felt angry. "But I do," I promised him.

He just smirked again and turned away from me on that tiny futon, laying on his back to make friends with the ceiling.

"Why don't you believe me?" I asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

He took a moment to respond, and I had to elbow him in the side for him to do so, but eventually he did.

"I never said I didn't believe you," he said slowly. "You just can't. It's against The Deal."

It was the first time he had ever spoken about the deal to my face. I could hardly believe he'd even remembered it. I let out a long breath I didn't know I had been holding. The silence at that moment was unbearable. I listened to the soft thrum of his heartbeat and felt the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.

I could tell he didn't want to hurt me any more than he already inevitably had, so neither he nor I spoke for the remainder of the night.

For the next few weeks I treated everything and everyone differently. I distanced myself from my sisters and my father, I made new friends and tried new things that prior to The Deal would never have even crossed my mind. I knew this Deal was changing me on the outside, and my feelings for him were ripping me apart on the inside. When August rolled around, Butch and I had ventured so deep into the world of intimacy that I was scared shitless that one day it would all come to an end.

Damn myself for making this stupid Deal. Damn Butch for capturing my heart and keeping it contained within himself. Damn love, damn him, damn it all; I just couldn't take it anymore.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw somebody I didn't know. My face was empty of emotion and there were worried circles under my eyes. I had given up trying to look nice on the days Butch came to see me, because he'd told me it didn't matter. I'd only smear my makeup and miss up my hair by the end of the night, anyways.

The dates were becoming less creative, too. More often than not, Butch just wanted to come over and watch a film together, with us ending in the usual way: tangled up in nothing but each other and my bed sheets. Sometimes we didn't even watch a film at all. Sometimes he'd scare the living shit out of me, visiting my room in the middle of the night via the window and waking me up for a "quickie". He didn't even stay the night anymore. I'd nearly forgotten what that first time had been like, so soft and sweet and pleasant. Now I was lucky if I got even a kiss on the forehead before he left me, alone and cold in the dark.

Something told me I should have known his plan, that he was just abusing me and using me for the sex. But I couldn't bring myself to believe it, that this boy that I loved so much was purposely hurting me. I turned away from all evidence and proof, because I couldn't bear to face it.

Towards the end of August I was nothing but a shell of my former self. The Professor continued to mention going back to school in a few days, and how ecstatic he was about it, and Blossom was enthused, as well. Bubbles tried to make all of her previously missed summer plans in the last week before school, so she was gone most of the time, but I still sat in my room with nothing left inside me but my unrequited love for someone who couldn't care less about me.

I wish I could have known, that first day he'd come over, when he'd kissed me and we'd liked each other and everything was blissful. I wish I could have known how it was going to end up: broken and lost. But there was no way I could change the past.

He didn't call me on the last day of summer. He didn't stop by, he didn't leave a message or say a word. I allowed myself to text him once, asking what was up with him on this last day, but he never replied. I cried myself to sleep that night, punched my pillow and a gaping hole in the wall. I was so stupid, so naive to think that he could have actually cared for me the way I cared so deeply for him.

The first day of school approached faster than a speeding bullet, and I prayed I'd get the chance to talk to him. I guess I prayed a little too hard, because I had every opportunity under the sun. Though it was simply heartbreaking to see that he wouldn't even glance my way. He flirted with other girls, laughed with his friends, but paid no mind to me. I was furious, at first, and I contemplated approaching him in the hallway and kicking him where the sun don't shine in exchange for the hurt he caused me. I contemplated it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I still loved him, no matter how hard I tried not to.

There was one instance where we locked eyes for a brief moment, and in that moment I saw a shadow of the boy I used to know, the one who kissed me on my couch and took me on a walk at the boardwalk at sundown. But that was all. We locked gazes for a minute, maybe, and then he looked away.

He never granted me any attention after that. For a while I refused to believe it was over, but in the first month I had to accept it. He was an asshole and a womanizer, and I never should have trusted him. When I heard that he was "talking" to my friend Julie, I warned her to stay away. She fell, though, almost as hard as I had, and ended with the same fate as I. It was stupid and hurtful and I hated him for it, but I couldn't shake my feelings for him no matter what I did.

All in all, that summer was a living hell, but I still tell people it was the best summer of my life. It wasn't the best summer because of my naivety, or because of my adventures with him, or even because of The Deal. It was the best summer because even though I lost him and even myself somewhere along the way, it taught me how to build up walls and protect myself. I never told any of my family what happened during those three everlasting months. I never told anyone, though I'm sure Butch had his fair share of bragging about it judging by the way teenage boys would glance at me in the halls from then on.

If there was one thing that ridiculous Deal had helped me to learn, it was that I should never lose myself in someone else. I kept my guard up and learned not to look back on those past events, though they haunted my by the day. After that incident was finally over, I had found myself again; the newer, more improved version of myself, and I made a new Deal. A Deal with myself. I promised never to let myself get lost in love, or infatuation, or obsession, no matter how badly my heart wanted me to. I chained up my heart under this new Deal, and although the scars from the old Deal and Butch would haunt me forever, I was sure, I set my eyes to the future that I vowed to improve for myself. I knew that this was one Deal I was determined not to break.