Lauren Cooper VS the Cybermen
ann no aku
Plot: Lauren Cooper is not bovvered by the Cybermen.
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or The Catherine Tate Show.
Notes: Takes place in the Doctor Who episode Doomsday. Also, as I wrote this, I couldn't think of any famous cheap beer in Britain, so I just picked Boones Farm. This story is a result of boredom.
*****
"Did you see those robot things?" Lauren asked, closing her textbook and shoving it in her schoolbag.
"Yeah," Lise nodded, her arms crossed over her chest.
"But did ya see it, though? All big and met'ly." She sucked her teeth. "'m not turnin' into one of them."
"Me neither, mate. They don' even look cool. How can you date Ryan lookin' like dat?"
"Tell me 'bout it."
"Alrigh'?" Ryan greeted, walking into the classroom.
"Alrigh'," they replied.
"Man, those robots are well ugly." He snapped his fingers. "I can't be the next Eminem if I turn into that. I gotta be practicin' my rappin' 'n stuff." He caught Lauren's gaze. "An' 'm dumpin' you if you get upgraded."
"Whatever. 'm not being updated." She shrugged her shoulders.
"Whaddya say mate?" Lise questioned.
"I said 'm not being updated."
"It's upgraded, mate. Man, that is well shameful."
"You will be upgraded," a Cyberman announced, stomping into the room. He pointed to Lauren.
"No, I ain't," she scoffed, tossing her hair over her shoulder.
"You will be upgraded. If you do not cooperate, you will be deleted."
"Tsch. 'm not doin' anythin'."
"But it will kill 'oo, Lauren," Lise hissed. "It will delete 'oo."
"So? He ain't gonna delete me. I can' be deleted."
"Everyone will be upgraded—your friends, your family-"
"Are you disrespecting my family? Are you sayin' they need to be updated?"
"It is upgraded," the Cyberman corrected. "You will be upgraded."
"Are you disrespecting my family, though? Are you calling my mother easy? Are you sayin' my dad's a cheap drunk?"
"You will be-"
"But he ain't even a cheap drunk, though," she continued, talking over the Cyberman. "He ain't even a cheap drunk. He only drinks Boones Farm."
"Your dad needs to be upgraded, mate," Ryan cut in. "That stuff is well bad."
"Innit, though?" Lise agreed, cracking her gum between her teeth.
"All of you will be upgraded."
"Why do you talk like that?"
"I am a Cyberman. I have no emotions."
"You sound like Stephen Hawking. Why you makin' fun of Stephen Hawking? 'You will be upgraded'," Lauren mocked.
"I am a Cyberman-"
"But you sound like Stephen Hawking, though!"
The Cyberman ignored her. "Join the queue to be upgraded. All who refuse will be deleted."
"Am I bovvered?"
It stared blankly at her.
"Am I bovvered, though? Look at my face. Is my face bovvered?"
"You will be deleted, then."
"Don' care 'cause I ain't bovvered," Lauren snapped back.
"Del-!"
"Metal body."
The Cyberman cocked its head to the side, lowering its arm. "What?"
"Metal body," she repeated. "You don' scare me. I ain't bovvered."
"Del-!"
"Am I bovvered? Stephen Hawking. 'Delete. Delete.' Am I bovvered?"
"Del-!"
"Big shoes. Upgrade. Am I bovvered? Stomp, stomp. Ghost shift. Iron man. Am I bovvered?"
"Del-!"
"'Delete! Delete!'," she finished, watching as it raised its arm back to her. "I don' care 'cause I ain't bovvered."
One hour later . . . .
"I wonder wha' 'appened to Lauren, though," Lise said, looking nervously to the classroom door as heavy stomps echoed in the hallway. "What if they turned her into a Cyberman?"
"'m not datin' no man," Ryan replied.
A Cyberman entered the room. "Alrigh'?" it robotically greeted.
"Oh my God! That be Lauren!" Lise gasped.
"We are through! That is well ugly!" Ryan clicked his fingers.
"Am I bovvered?" the Cyberman asked.
*****
There is no excuse for this story. However, if you enjoyed it, please review. Thanks
~ann no aku