'If I'm going nowhere
I'll get there on time.
If I never settle down
I'll be just fine.'

- If I'm Going Nowhere (Cody Bryan Band)

Harry Fleamont Evans wasn't an ordinary boy, by any stretch of the imagination.

The Dursleys not only accepted this, but also went out of their way to pretend he didn't exist most of the time.

"Pass the bacon, please," said Harry at the dinner table. Dudley, his cousin with the piggish eyes and even piggier manners, passed him the bacon.

Aunt Petunia tutted in chagrin and Harry couldn't find it in himself to care.

"I'm going to the library," he said, taking his plate to the sink after the meal.

Uncle Vernon grunted.

Harry chose to ignore this lacklustre response and, taking his oversized coat, left the house.

On his way back home with a worn copy of Eragon, Harry noticed a pair of green eyes following him. Instead of doing the sensible thing and thinking that it was a figment of his imagination, Harry assumed it had something to do with magic and immediately wrote to his three friends about it.

He said three, but there were, of course, four of them—Draco however, wasn't in the best position to receive his letters, nor to reciprocate them, so Harry didn't see the point in sending him one.

Dear Herman,

There were green eyes in a begonia bush.

Sincerely,

Harry

He took out an envelope and stuck his letter in, licked it and sealed it, before whistling for Hedwig to come.

While he waited, he wrote to Nanelle.

Dear Nanelle,

Is it normal for begonia bushes to sprout green bulbous eyes? Currently curious, because I saw them. Tell your grandpa Augustus that I like my spleen right where it is, thank you very much.

Sincerely,

Harry

To Ronnie, as per usual, he wrote something more substantial.

Hey Ronnie,

I had bacon for breakfast. Picture me laughing in your face, you poor dieter you, because that's what I'm doing. On the plus side, your sister won't call you out on your non-existent blubber anymore. Insert sticking tongue out here. Much banter.
Oh, get this, I saw a pair of green eyes in a begonia bush. Weirder than Ernie's mole, that I can tell you. They were bulbous and watery, and really big and they looked sort of frightened. Any ideas? I'm guessing magical creature, but that's about as far as I got. Waiting on Herman for the correct answer. Give a thanks to your mum for the homemade fudge—Dudley hasn't shut up about it yet. Driving me up the wall. Bored to death, to the point where I'm reading a book on muggle dragons. I'll tell you more about it when I come over, or I might keep you in suspense. Who knows really?

Harry

"Hedwig, remember your evasive manoeuvres," reminded Harry, stroking his snowy owl lovingly, much to her pleasure. "We don't want a repeat of last time."

For some bizarre reason, someone had been trying to intercept his letters. Harry, to prevent such travesty, taught his pet owl military evasion tactics.

Tarquin mewled, stretched, and then scratched Harry's bedpost irritably.

"Hungry?" he asked, letting Hedwig out the window. "Let's get you something then."

The magical munchkin kitten preened. He'd trained his human well.

"The Masons are arriving today," said Uncle Vernon. "You'd better be on your best behaviour boy!"

Harry nodded, staring at the mantelpiece. Two more days till Ronnie and her dad came to pick him up. He could hold out till then.

"Not a peep out of you!" Uncle Vernon warned again, face purple with the mere thought of what the freak could do to his job prospects.

It was a wonder they didn't treat him worse than they did already—it must have had to do with the primary school investigation into the house when Harry made one too many quips about his own dwindling levels of sanity and his freakish talent and that his family was constantly pissed off at him.

No amount of reprimanding actually got the boy to shut up, really.

Harry went up to his room in preparation for the Masons to arrive, only to see that a…thing…had Hedwig hostage, along with his birthday presents. He could make out Nanelle's nervous scrawl on one of the letters before the thing flinched.

"You're not Tarquin," stated Harry, staring at the elfish, hunched creature with batty ears standing on his bed.

"Master Evans! Such an honour it is to meet your grace!" squeaked the creature, bulbous eyes wide with awe and tears.

"You have green eyes," said Harry conversationally, picking Tarquin up and stroking the magical munchkin kitten.

The thing nodded, flappy bat ears slapping the sides of its head.

"What are you?"

"A house elf sir."

"A house elf sir. Is that short for something?"

"…what?"

"Sir, is it short for something?"

The thing's eyes welled up. "Dobby has never been called sir before, even by his own kind. Master Evans is kinder than the rumours say."

Harry reasoned that 'sir' was a special house elf compliment, and resolved to use it when addressing them henceforth.

"Your name is Dobby?"

"Yes Master Evans."

"Well Dobby, if you could unhand my owl, I would be most grateful."

Dobby did so sheepishly.

"Are you all right girl?" he asked Hedwig.

Hedwig hooted indignantly (but softly—she was mindful of the Masons downstairs), glaring at her owner's guest.

Harry rounded on Dobby. "Now Dobby, why did you think it was a good idea to manhandle my favourite owl in the whole universe? I give you thirty seconds to give me a very good explanation."

Dobby looked near tears but gulped and hurriedly said, "Master Evans mustn't go back to Hogwarts. Dangerous things are afoot, sinister and dark. Dobby had to stop his birdy so that she wouldn't—"

"Hand me my birthday cards?" he asked, thoroughly put out. "You do realise these are the first ones I've ever gotten, right? In my life? Ever? Like, ever? And you wanted me not to receive them to, what? Feel neglected? Worse than I already feel about being treated like an outsider in my own home? Feel worthless? Assure myself that I don't really have any friends?"

Dobby blinked repentantly. "It's for Master Evans' own good."

Harry was not amused. "You hurt my owl and you hurt my heart, just to tell me that I mustn't go to school."

Dobby nodded, grateful that Harry was getting it. "Yes your grace!"

Harry scowled. "You know Dobby, I'm starting to think you don't know what protecting someone means."

Dobby looked confused. "Sir?"

Harry had his work cut out for him.

Dear Herman,

I met a house elf today. He told me not to go to Hogwarts because something untellable will be happening this year that may or may not end in the death of us all. Thank you for the birthday card and the complete works of Brom the Bard! Who knew having visions about a different world was an actual magical disease?
Still coming to the Weasley's this week? Nanelle's RSVP-ed, Draco's, as has been the case all summer, AWOL, and my relatives haven't been told yet.

See you there!
Harry

Dear Nanelle,

What am I supposed to do with these magic beans? Also, a house elf told me not to go to Hogwarts because sinister things are afoot. Is there a wizarding custom for second year potentials that I don't know about? If yes, whoops. If no, then the punch I delivered to his nose for hurting Hedwig is totally legit. On a completely unrelated note, I've ascended to godhood.

See you at Ronnie's!
Harry

Hey Ronnie,

There was a house elf that came into my room, threatened to steal my birthday cards because he couldn't steal the rest of my mail—Hedwig's a bird among birds, I tell you. I'm glad we went over those aerial evasive manoeuvres. Pat me on the back when I see you next—and then told me Hogwarts was a bad idea for this year. He said sinister things are afoot.
Does that or does that not sound like a totally boss adventure to you?
In other news, thanks for the bright orange t-shirt with the 'no hoes for this mofo' on it. Best gift I got by far! Of course, Lupin's Nimbus 2000 can't be beaten, but it's in a category all of its own. Won't do you a disservice by comparing them.

See you tomorrow!
Harry

PS Thank Mrs Weasley bunches for the triple-layered treacle tart surprise! I'm in love with the woman already.

Dear Professor Awesome,

Your birthday card sang to me and complimented my hair. How are you so cool? Teach your willing minion ma'am! I LOVE the broom. I started crying the minute the parcel came through my window, and it was only 10% because it hit me in the eye. I love you Professor!

Thy Eternal Mortal Servant,
Harry

Dear Hagrid,

I'm glad you thought of me today. It also makes me terribly annoyed with myself that I don't know when your birthday is. I loved the bottle of treacle! And Tarquin hasn't stopped playing with his ball of magical yarn—I didn't even know the wizarding world had that sort of thing! Hedwig nips your fingers in thanks for the leather armband—she's been worried that her talons might do me permanent damage for a while now.

Thanks a million!
Harry

So, second year begins! Let's see how Harry and co do this year! Review please? Also, do you want a Marauder side-fic? I've got chapter one done for that...